


tie me down

by jjokkomi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Swap, Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst, Endgame Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Heavy Angst, Implied Mpreg, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-01-03 19:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 89,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21184724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjokkomi/pseuds/jjokkomi
Summary: Kim Jongin is an idol now and Kyungsoo is just the idiot raising his child.





	1. 2011

Kyungsoo fidgets with his uniform, peeking out from behind his open locker door and flushing when he sees Jongin. He tries not to make it obvious, looking away before the elder notices him. Jongin is a grade above him, the cliché popular guy whom everyone loves. Kyungsoo is just, his neighbor and has been since they were six.

Jongin’s never really been his friend, preferring to play with Seungsoo when they were little and honestly downright ignoring him as they grew up. That was fine, because Kyungsoo wasn’t exactly the most social kid, preferring to play house alone or with his dolls. Throughout school he just keeps to himself, watching Jongin from a distance and not being able to help being ridiculously in love with him.

The first time he acted on it, was just earlier this year. He turned seventeen and he was determined to just, do something about it. He mistakenly gets himself into the worst situation though, sleeping with Kim Jongin and being ignored afterwards. At least, until they leave school and Jongin is bored and wants to have sex again.

Jongin is kind of sweet when he’s not surrounded by people that worship his every move. Kyungsoo thinks he’s capable at least, just, not in public. At least, not with him. Kyungsoo is a secret, the dirty shameful kind and he knows he probably shouldn’t be okay with it. Jongin ignores him and sternly tells him they can’t be seen together in public, because well, Kim Jongin is God and Kyungsoo is just, a speck of dirt in the halls of their high school.

Kyungsoo doesn’t mind though, because Jongin comes over to his room and spends time with him and laughs and jokes and its all just for him. He doesn’t mind having to just admire from afar when they’re at school. When he’s home and working on his assignments, he gets a knock on his window and he goes and opens it, smiling as Jongin climbs into his room. Today is no different.

Except it is.

“I’m moving at the end of the week,” Jongin shares, sitting on his bed and giving him an apologetic smile.

Kyungsoo tries not to freak out.

“My dad got a new job offer and they’re even paying for all his moving expenses. The only catch is that he has to start on Monday,” Jongin shares, looking excited and Kyungsoo wants to hate him for it, but he can’t.

“Where to?” he questions, sitting next to him on the bed and keeping it together. It’s not like they were going to last anyways. Jongin was always just using him. It’ll be easier this way, he thinks.

“Tokyo,” Jongin shares excitedly, making him falter a bit.

“That’s far,” he replies quietly, not knowing what Jongin wants to hear from him.

“It’ll be great though. No one will know me there. I can start all over. I can even text you without people caring,” Jongin adds on and Kyungsoo lets himself get his hopes up.

“Really?” he questions, feeling his lips twitch in a smile when Jongin nods eagerly, before he leans down and kisses him.

“One last time?” Jongin questions, looking towards his door, which is already closed and locked even though his parents aren’t home. They never are.

Kyungsoo nods, “Okay.”

\--

Jongin texts him for a while, a lot once he’s moved in and settled into his new house. Kyungsoo gets lots of pictures and on occasion a phone call and he’s happy, he thinks. It lasts for a couple of weeks though, before Jongin’s new classmates come to the same conclusion as his old ones. Jongin is God when it comes to high school, not matter the country and Kyungsoo is still just a tiny speck of dirt.

Kyungsoo knew it would happen, it was inevitable, and he shouldn’t have stupidly got his hopes up. People like Kyungsoo don’t end up with people like Kim Jongin. It’s just a fact, a well known one at that. So, he tries to move on. He focuses on school, knowing its only a matter of time before he needs to start thinking about college. He doesn’t dare look into schools in japan.

Instead he looks up why he’s so nauseated all the time, why he’s so tired despite always sleeping normally. Why he wants to cry all the time.

He goes to convenience store and sits in his locked restroom, phone in hand with an unanswered text message asking if Jongin can please call him. He never does of course. Jongin is well, Jongin and Kyungsoo is just the idiot that got pregnant.

His parents don’t take it well. They’re too ashamed to have him live at home anymore and he slowly packs to go live in the countryside, with his grandpa. Kyungsoo doesn’t mind, his parents were never home anyways and at least he can get away from the room Jongin would sneak into and pretend like he cared about him enough.

“Why won’t you just tell me who it is?” Seungsoo questions him tiredly, helping him pack up his summer clothes he’ll be needing soon.

The doctor said he shouldn’t overexert himself this early on and Kyungsoo doesn’t want to hurt his baby anymore than it will be having to grow up and only have him as a parent. Kyungsoo can’t tell Seungsoo about Jongin, so he shakes his head.

“It’s no one important,” he replies, because its not. Jongin won’t ever know, his number no longer in service and it’s just easier that its like this.

Jongin never wanted him. He wouldn’t want him now. He wouldn’t want the baby.

“You shouldn’t have to raise a kid alone,” Seungsoo argues, because he’s always been a good big brother when he remembers to be.

“I’ll have grandpa, I’ll be fine,” he reassures the elder, giving him a smile and moving to hug onto him.

He smiles before going back to his packing, arranging everything to his liking and wondering if Jongin even remembers him by now.

\--

The baby ends up being a boy, a boy that looks like Jongin and Kyungsoo cant hold him at first. He’s too tiny and not ready for the world yet. Kyungsoo thinks that’s okay, he's not quite ready either. He stays at the hospital and talks to him, reads to him, holds him when he’s able to and finally gets to take him home with grandpa.

Dooyoung is beautiful, the only thing that matters and Kyungsoo loves him as much as anyone can possibly love a person. His parents call on occasion, Seungsoo visits and brings him clothes and toys for his nephew. Kyungsoo is happy, this time he thinks its for real at least. His baby loves him, clings to him and always makes him smile when he starts to feel sad. He thinks he’s doing an okay job.

Except Kyungsoo sees Jongin on television one day, after Dooyoung has watched his cartoon show and is eating leftover cheerios.

Kyungsoo’s heart hurts, seeing that the entertainment industry is starting to realize that rookie idol Kim Jongin is God to them too. Jongin smiles and laughs and Kyungsoo just sits and watches, chest tight.

“That’s your daddy,” he tells Dooyoung quietly, sitting him in his lap and making sure his grandpa is still tending to the chickens. “That’s who you look like,” he adds on as an afterthought.

Kim Jongin is an idol now and Kyungsoo is just the idiot raising his child.


	2. 2011 & 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jongin finally gets a copy of his own album.

Jongin groans, pressing the buttons to his phone as if it will do any good at this point, the screen still being green. He gets off his bed and goes down the hallway, opening his dad’s door and pausing when he sees him on the phone. He waits, getting impatient and walking up to him when he finally sounds like he’s almost done with the call. As soon as he is Jongin lets out a whine.

“Dad, my phone is broken,” he complains, handing it over and pouting miserably. “I need my phone dad.”

“Did you drop it?” his dad questions, frustrating him as he shakes his head no. The thing just stopped working suddenly and he tells him just that, watching as he inspects the device. He hopes his dad can fix it, and soon. 

“Dad, I need to call my friend back home. It’s _important_,” he stresses, getting a sigh from his the elder who gives him a frown.

“Why don’t you just use the house phone?” his dad questions, making him frown further, feeling a little embarrassed.

“I don’t have the number memorized,” he sighs out, never having memorized Kyungsoo’s number. He doesn’t have anyone’s other than his mom and dad’s memorized. He’s just starting to memorize their new house phone.

“I’m sorry bud, it looks like the screen is out,” his dad informs him with a long face, making him deflate. “I can get you a new one, did you save the numbers to the sim card?”

Jongin frowns in confusion, “The what?” he questions, frowning further when his dad laughs. “It’s _not_ funny I need to call them,” he stresses for the millionth time.

“I’ll see what they can do at the store, but you may just have to look them up online in the meantime. I’m not sure if they can transfer your contacts,” his dad informs him, making him want to pull at his hair.

Jongin groans, muttering his thanks and going back to his room. He searches for twenty minutes for Kyungsoo online but comes up empty handed. He can’t ask his old friends since none of them even knew he existed in the first place. He sighs tiredly before going back to his homework.

He gets another phone, but all his numbers are lost. Jongin really hates himself for never memorizing Kyungsoo’s number.

\--

Jongin likes being back in Korea, not having to worry about messing up his pronunciation for once. The guys he lives with are nice, the dorms are chaotic but at least he doesn’t get yelled at about leaving the toilet seat up. The company wants to debut him _solo_ and Jongin is excited. Dancing has always been fun, and he has a brand new iphone for a successful audition from his dad.

He browses the internet before bed time like he’s allowed, making sure none of his old accounts can be found, although he knows there are already pictures online of him from his old high school. The company doesn’t mind it, because apparently his are all good pictures. Some of the other guys in the room though, Jongin would have hated them in school. They probably would have hated him too.

While he’s browsing, he hesitantly types up another search, waiting impatiently as the browser loads, feeling himself deflate when he gets zero results of what he’s looking for. He’s not surprised, shaking his head before exiting the app and hoping he didn’t waste too much data. He doesn’t want his dad to yell at him on the phone again.

He tiredly moves to turn off his night lamp, knowing he has a long day ahead of him tomorrow. Picture taking, more dance practice, even more singing practice, practice, practice, practice.

Jongin is tired of practicing but it will be worth it, at least he thinks. He hopes.

\--

Jongin carefully writes on the white board in his lap, reading over the questions taped onto it. He’s nervous, still not used to so many cameras and so many people. He still gets jittery answering all these questions too. He hates the one he reads next.

“Do I have to answer this question?” Jongin asks quietly, looking up at his manager and smiling politely at the staff in the room.

Someone rushes up and looks to see what he’s pointing at, so he moves the white board a little and feels his cheeks heat up when the female staff laughs.

“Of course! All your fans will want to know, it’s important, especially for a rookie,” she informs him, giving him a reassuring smile.

Jongin nods politely and bites his lip, skipping the question to come back to later. The company taught him what to say in interviews, so he shouldn’t be worried, but he is. He has to be personable but not too much. He has to tell the truth but never all of it. Little white lies are what he has to be good at when it comes to ideal types and dating and Jongin is still getting used to sharing this kind of information with absolute strangers.

“You were really popular in school. You probably got all sorts of confessions, just describe a random girl, it’s not hard,” his manager tells him, which makes him want to glare at him, but he can’t have an attitude either.

_Kai_ has to be charismatic, polite and overall likeable. If the public doesn’t like him, he’ll never make it and the fans won’t stick around. So, he forces himself to keep the scowl from his face.

“Right. A _girl_,” he mumbles, sighing tiredly and wondering when he’ll get to go back to his new dorm to sleep, or if he’ll have to do that in the car. _Again_. He can’t afford to think about what he wants to answer with, so he worries about sleep instead.

“Majority of your fans are girls, you have to cater to them. It comes with the job kid,” his manager tells him again, patting him on the back before leaving his side.

Jongin nods mutely and tries to even think about what the girls in high school looked like. He can’t remember them at all. 

\--

Kyungsoo fidgets in his seat, nervously picking at the edge of the album in his lap for the hundredth time. This is stupid. His dumbest idea. He bites his lip as he waits patiently, last person in line and the event has just started. He doesn’t know that he really thought this through, even though he managed to get Seungsoo to watch Dooyoung and memorized the bus schedule a week ago.

He has the page he wants signed bookmarked, a picture of Dooyoung in it, with a note on the back in case he can’t say what he wants to. They said he could bring gifts, so he hopes the picture is okay. He hopes Jongin doesn’t hate him.

Kyungsoo can’t call himself a fan, hasn’t actually listened to whatever is on the cd in the album, not having the nerve. He can barely turn on the television knowing that Jongin is usually on all the channels they actually have.

He feels sick to hist stomach with nerves, not even knowing if Jongin will remember him. Just looking at him from the back of the room makes his chest feel tight and he’s not sure this is a good idea. Hearing his voice again makes him want to leave but he has to do this. Who knows if he’ll ever be this close again? He doesn’t even know how he managed to luck on getting into the fan sign anyways. It’s his only shot.

He continues to fidget, ignoring the loud girls in front of him. He thinks he’s waited about fifteen or twenty minutes when he feels his cell phone buzz, making him discreetly look at the message. He tries not to feel disappointed when it’s from Seungsoo, saying that he needs to leave and can’t stay as long as he planned, and that grandpa needs help with the chickens and Dooyoung is fussy.

Kyungsoo knew better than to get his hopes up.

He sets the album down in his chair as he gets up and approaches a big guy dressed in black near one of the exits to the room. “I have to leave,” he tells one of the staff members, getting a confused look from the security guard.

“If you leave you aren’t allowed back in,” he gets informed, making him falter a bit but Seungsoo needs to go into work. It can’t be helped. It wasn’t meant to be, never was in the first place.

“I know,” he replies quietly, knowing he’s gaining attention from the people in the nearby seats.

He ignores the look the security guard sends him, escorting him out of the small theater and out into the hallways. He sighs as he flips his phone open, dialing Seungsoo’s number as he goes back towards the bus stop. It isn’t until he’s in his seat that he realizes he left the album on the chair, making him suppress a sigh.

It’s probably for the best. He would have never listened to it anyways. The pictures are just not so nice reminders that Jongin doesn’t belong to them. Never has, never will.

He tries not to feel himself deflate when he unlocks and opens the door and hears Dooyoung crying. He puts a smile on his face and breathes through it, getting an apologetic look from his brother who already has his work hat on.

“I’m _really_ sorry, did you get to do what you needed?” Seungsoo questions, making him falter a bit as he takes his crying baby from him, hoping Dooyoung doesn’t have another ear infection.

“No, but it’s fine,” he says quietly, waving his brother off as he leaves and sighing tiredly as he tries to get Dooyoung down for a nap. His brother has to drive all the way back home, so its expected and Kyungsoo shouldn’t be upset over it.

He sighs as he finally gets Dooyoung to sleep, setting him on the bed and turning on his monitor. He changes into his outdoor clothes and put the monitor in his pocket, taking a deep breath before he goes outside.

Jongin wouldn’t have remembered him anyways.

\--

Jongin yawns tiredly as he makes his way over towards the van, feeling a little overwhelmed seeing his manager load up bag after bag in the trunk area. He’s so tired, his hand cramping from signing his name so many times. He’s seen so many faces and he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to even _try_ to remember any of them. He hopes his manager was just joking about that.

“Is there time for me to eat?” he questions once his manager get in the car, frowning a little when he gets handed an album.

“We can pick up something on the way to your next schedule. Security said they found that on a chair, you didn’t sign it,” he gets scolded, making him gape.

“I signed _everyone’s_ album, they must have had an extra they forgot,” he defends himself, pouting a little and giving him manager a little glare. “My hand is dead, thanks for asking by the way,” he adds on.

“Do you want chicken or not?” his manager questions, making him perk up.

“Are you serious? Really?” he questions, never being so excited over food before but he’s been on a ridiculous diet for _weeks_. He never wants to look at a salad again but its probably what he’ll have for breakfast tomorrow.

“Your worked hard today. We’ll stop when we’re closer to the city though. Hopefully they don’t have anymore events this far away from the dorm.”

“Am I allowed to get it fried?” he questions, messing with edging of the album and wondering if it’s supposed to be that worn already.

He knows the company will go all out once he’s bigger, more popular, worth investing in, but he really hopes people aren’t buying something so flimsy. He hasn’t even gotten to buy his own album yet, being chauffeured to and from places so much he doesn’t even know where he’s at. He’ll just keep the one left behind.

When he finally gets back to his room nearly half a day later, he sets it on his shelf next to his books, getting up and going straight to his bed. He’ll only get a couple of hours of sleep before he gets hauled to another place. He needs all the sleep he can get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i think this fic will be only updated during the weekends! im not sure how often, but generally when time permits. i also plan to write longer chapters once i get through some of the beginnings of the fic so they wont always be this short and you definitely won't get double updates back to back like this lol


	3. 2013/2014/2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the beginning of this chapter starts in 2013 and ends by spring of 2015, in case anyone is confused.
> 
> Dooyoung's birthday is towards the last half of 2011! brownie points if anyone can guess the date lol

Kyungsoo holds onto Dooyoung’s hands, helping him walk around in the backyard area. The chickens are being loud again and Dooyoung gets distracted, giggling before looking up at him and stumbling a little. Kyungsoo sighs before moving to sit Dooyoung down in the grass and taking a seat next to him as he watches the chickens.

He watches as his grandpa feeds them, Dooyoung clapping his hands excitedly. Kyungsoo smiles at the boy, hoping he starts walking soon. He’s still behind someone his age, already going on a year and a couple of months and still crawling around, like now.

Kyungsoo watches as he crawls around before stopping and sitting, grabbing at the grass with a little pout and twitching adorably when his grandpa lets the baby chicks roam free. He pulls Dooyoung into his lap when the boy whines a little, knowing he’s not used to them yet. He’ll get there at least.

“It’s just a baby, like you,” he tells him, smiling when one of the chicks comes over towards them.

“You’re gonna have to grab their eggs when you’re older,” his grandpa tells Dooyoung who giggles and holds his arms out for the elder.

Kyungsoo smiles and lets Dooyoung get picked up, watching as his grandpa takes him towards the coop and talks to him. He sighs tiredly, hoping he gets enough rest tonight, but he doubts it. Dooyoung wakes up at least twice a night still, either fussy or hungry. He’s always so exhausted taking care of him, but it comes with only being nineteen he supposes. It’s not Dooyoung’s fault he didn’t quite luck out in the parent department.

He sighs as he gets up to grab Dooyoung from his grandpa who needs to go check the hen’s nests, taking his son back to the house before he gets too hot. He goes and sits him down in the living room, going to get him his sippy cup. He comes back and Dooyoung is standing, although a bit wobbly.

Kyungsoo halts in the door frame, not wanting to startle him into falling. He lingers and watches as Dooyoung flaps his arms a bit before he attempts to move forward. Kyungsoo holds his breath, gripping the sippy cup tightly and beaming when he actually does it.

“You did it!” he shouts, scaring Dooyoung into falling down onto his butt, pouting. Kyungsoo doesn’t care, rushing over and picking him up before smothering his face in kisses. “You walked!” he rushes out, getting a wide-eyed look from Dooyoung.

Kyungsoo turns to tell his grandpa before realizing he’s still outside. His smile falters a little before Dooyoung starts whining, wanting to be let down when he spots his sippy cup on the floor.

He sighs as he goes over and picks it up, handing it over and nearly getting it snatched away from Dooyoung who immediately starts sipping.

“I’ll let you have ice cream for dessert today,” he comments, getting ignored for the sippy cup. Dooyoung doesn’t really gush over ice cream. “Or maybe a pastry. Why don’t you like ice cream?” he questions more to himself, knowing Dooyoung won’t answer him.

He sighs tiredly, moving to set Dooyoung back on the floor and sitting next to him. He thinks to text his parents but decides against it, knowing they won’t reply until he’s already in bed for the night. He thinks to text Seungsoo but the elder is probably at work, so he won’t reply either. He has no one to tell or celebrate with.

“Guess it really is just me and you,” he mutters quietly, deflating a little and setting his phone down.

\--

“If I have to eat _another_ scoop of ice cream, I’m going to barf,” Jongin whispers to his manager, getting scolded for moving too much by his makeup artist, making him pout a little. He doesn’t understand why he needs his makeup fixed so much to begin with.

He stops moving and lets out a tired sigh, wanting to just close his eyes and sleep but he has the CF shooting until midnight and then he’s off to prerecord for a music show and then after that maybe he’ll get to eat something _other_ than ice cream. He really just wants a warm donut at this point and maybe some hot chocolate.

“You’re getting paid to eat _ice cream_, just smile through it,” his manager informs him, making him frown irritably. “Would you rather be jobless?” he adds on, making him force out a smile because there are still people watching him and he can’t very well be known as an idol with an attitude problem.

His manager is probably tired too and Jongin knows he should be grateful. He’s doing well enough that companies actually _want_ him to be their model and he’s booked until god knows when. He’s probably going to spend the holidays alone in his dorm because he has shoots and other things to film the days before and after. The company is already discussing comeback plans and Jongin knows he’s really not going to be able to rest anymore.

Year end award shows are coming up soon too, meaning he’s been getting fit for new suits and stage outfits and been given even more choreography to learn. His life is hectic, never a dull moment and while Jongin loves dancing, loves being the center of attention, he still wants to be able to sleep and just eat a pastry instead of cold ice cream when he wants.

“Next time accept a pepero CF,” he mumbles tiredly when he’s finally been given enough makeup to cover the dark eye bags he’s sporting.

“What’s wrong with ice cream?”

Jongin frowns, “I just don’t like it. It’s cold,” he mutters, shaking his head and immediately smiling when he gets ushered back to filming. He tries not to feel nauseated when he gets handed yet another cone.

\--

Dooyoung cries loudly into his ear and Kyungsoo tries not to get irritated, knowing the two-year-old doesn’t feel good and can only communicate so much. He rocks him gently as he sits on the clinic bed, hoping the doctor isn’t running behind. It’s been crying and fussing and a fever for over two days now and Kyungsoo knows he’s dealing with another ear infection, so sick and tired of it.

Dr. Park doesn’t even look surprised when he finally knocks on the door and walks into the room. Kyungsoo gives him a tired look, continuing to gently rub Dooyoung’s back as Dr. Park grabs his otoscope, and he only knows what it’s called because this has to be the _third_ ear infection this year. Dooyoung whines and tries to move away so he has to tighten his hold a little so he can get his ears checked.

“Does he like the banana or bubble gum flavored medicine better?” Dr. Park questions, confirming his suspicions and letting Dooyoung play with his stethoscope, which distracts him enough that he just hiccups and sniffles instead of screaming his head off.

“What am I doing wrong?” he questions pathetically, wanting to cry himself but that will just make Dooyoung start up again and Kyungsoo isn’t equipped to handle that right now. “I give him his medicine. I don’t even let him go outside now that its getting cold,” he explains tiredly, feeling like the worst parent on the face of the earth for letting Dooyoung get sick, _again_.

“Some children are just more prone to developing ear infections. It’s nothing you’re doing wrong,” Dr. Park says gently, but Kyungsoo is in a foul mood.

“So, it’s because I gave him crappy DNA,” he huffs out stubbornly, wiping at his eyes and flinching when Dooyoung puts the cold metal of the stethoscope on his cheek and giggles.

“He’s only half of you, maybe his other dad was more prone to ear infections as a child too. You could ask,” Dr. Park comments as he writes on his prescription pad before looking up with a tiny frown. “Unless you two aren’t in contact? I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve ever asked.”

Kyungsoo tries not to let his emotions get the best of him, shaking his head and smiling down at Dooyoung who keeps pestering him now that he’s fully distracted.

“I don’t even know where he lives anymore,” he says quietly, because it’s the truth.

Jongin is who knows where doing god knows what. Kyungsoo makes it a point to just avoid the internet, not wanting to see or hear anything to do with the idol. The one time he tried just watching an interview he had to force himself not to cry because Dooyoung was watching and is too perceptive for his own good and would have gotten upset too.

Jongin is on television and on the radio and even his face is on the _stupid_ ice cream he used to like. He can’t avoid seeing his face somewhere now that he’s one of the most popular idols there is. It makes him wonder how things would have turned out if Jongin would have just called him, if he could have told him that day. He wonders if Jongin would have wanted to be with him if he told him they had a baby, before he thinks better of it. Who would want to sit in a doctor’s office with a screaming toddler when they could be doing literally anything else?

Kim Jongin is doing well without him.

Without _either_ of them.

“I can always refer you to a pediatric ENT and maybe they could help if it gets worse, but so far it’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” Dr. Park tries to soothe out, but Kyungsoo just feels worse thinking about all the things he doesn’t know about Jongin, therefore things he doesn’t know about Dooyoung.

“He likes the bubble gum flavor the best. He spits out the banana,” he says tiredly, getting a curious look from Dooyoung at the mention of bubble gum.

“Is he talking up a storm yet?” Dr. Park questions, gently trying to get his stethoscope back and running into trouble when Dooyoung refuses to let go. He’s probably going to start crying again and Kyungsoo just gives up.

“No,” he replies quietly, taking a deep breath when the inevitable happens and Dooyoung bursts into tears and starts throwing a fit.

“He’s only two, I’m sure he’ll be talking your ear off in no time,” Dr. Park says over Dooyoung crying, giving him a sympathetic look.

Kyungsoo just smiles, knowing Dr. Park means well but he’s not really in the mood to be optimistic. Dooyoung barely talks, still sticking to pointing and whining and when he does say something, it’s stuttered out. Kyungsoo is used to Dooyoung being a little behind, his actual pediatrician saying he’ll eventually catch up, it may just take him a bit longer.

He takes the prescription and takes it over to the local pharmacy just down the road, sitting down in the little waiting area and letting Dooyoung down. The two-year-old decides to play with some nearby toys and Kyungsoo lets him, no one around to give them judging looks. Although most of the ahjumma’s in town already know him and have gotten past that. His grandpa is well loved and so they mostly just dote on Dooyoung now and give him candies.

“Dooyoung no,” he says tiredly when the boy walks up to him with a stuffed animal. He barely has the money for yet another prescription, he definitely doesn’t have enough for an overpriced plush rabbit, even if it’s cute.

“B-bunny,” Dooyoung tells him instead, smiling happily and hugging onto the animal.

Kyungsoo sighs sadly, getting up when the pharmacist calls his name. He watches Dooyoung before grabbing the medicine and nodding his head when he gets instructions. He knows the routine by now. He smiles and thanks him before handing him the money to pay and picking Dooyoung up.

He tries to pry the bunny out of his hands but is meant with a loud whine, making him falter. He tries again and Dooyoung yells, gaining attention. He sighs tiredly, walking up to the cash register and biting his lip as he looks through his wallet, knowing he needs to save money. He was trying to save for a new coat for himself, but he doesn’t want to deal with crying all the way home.

He sighs tiredly as he hands over the bills, getting his receipt and a happy smile from the toddler as he walks towards the bus stop, making sure the hood on Dooyoung’s coat stays on to protect his ears. He’s hoping Dooyoung will take his medicine without fuss and then nap, so he can help his grandpa make sure the chicken coop is prepped for the worst parts of winter.

The chickens will probably be warmer than him at this rate, because he’s definitely not getting that new coat now.

\--

Jongin forces down a cough as he waits in line for his flight, tiredly leaning against his manager and not being able to stop himself from groaning. His throat hurts and his nose is stuffy, and he feels really sweaty, which probably means he has a fever and his manager is going to _kill_ him.

“You look pale, are you sure you’re fine?” his manager questions, making him look up and slowly shake his head no.

“I think I have a fever,” he admits from underneath his face mask, pulling it down and so he can breathe properly.

“Are you shitting me? You tell me _now_ when we’re about to board a plane?”

Jongin frowns, coughing into his elbow before getting out of line and moving to go sit down, ready for the lecture but not wanting to stand while he gets it. He honestly may pass out before he even gets to the end of it. He takes his beanie off his head and tries not to look as miserable as he feels when he realizes they’re still at the airport with reporters and fan sites who are probably snapping away on those really ridiculously expensive cameras.

“I can’t believe you have a fever and you’re just now telling me. We’re going to have to take you to the hospital now,” his manager starts up, making him roll his eyes.

“Sorry for choosing the wrong time to let my immune system fight off an infection,” he mutters, shaking his head and immediately regretting it, feeling a little dizzy. “My ear hurts,” he adds on quietly, getting a scolding glare as his manager starts calling whoever he reports to.

Honestly, Jongin knows he’s just doing his job, but he can be moody and annoying. There’s at least another staff member with them who hands him a water bottle and some ibuprofen which will hopefully help with the ache he has in his ear. He’s ignored it since he knew he had an overseas schedule, but he thinks it’s probably infected at this rate, if he has a fever.

“We can’t cancel your schedule. We’ll take you to the hospital and then board the next flight,” his manager tells him sternly, so he just nods his head.

It won’t be the first IV drip he has to get, considering this happened last year during award season. His immune system seems to give up when its cold outside, especially his ears. He sighs tiredly and takes another sip of water, getting up and following his manager and knowing he’s about to deal with a long scolding. He can’t exactly tune the elder out when he’s stuck to a needle in the hospital.

“Can I have my phone so I can at least call my mom?” he questions, wishing he could just back home and sleep and have her make him soup but that’s not his life anymore.

“When we get to the car,” his manager replies, making him sigh and feeling a little stupid for waiting so long to tell him he’s sick.

“Are you sure they can’t cancel or reschedule?” he questions tiredly once they’ve made it into the car and he’s curling himself into the car seat.

“It’s a couple of songs and then you can go home. You’re performing last and people have already paid for their tickets.”

Jongin frowns tiredly, “So that’s a no,” he mutters, getting handed his phone which he gladly takes.

He immediately moves to check his messages, knowing it’s just while he’s supposed to be prepping for his comeback, but not having a phone sucks. He’s surprised to see a message from his sister along with a picture of her and a guy, even more surprised to find out she’s getting _married_. He gapes a little, feeling bad when he sees it was from a day ago. His phone call to his mom gets put on hold to immediately call her instead.

He tries not to sound sick but fails miserably, immediately telling her he’s fine and focusing the conversation on her apparently getting married. His ear hurts and she’s being loud which doesn’t help but she sounds happy and Jongin suddenly feels a little sad.

He can’t even attempt to date or risk hell from the company, or worse, deal with fans that worship the ground he walks on now but will burn his posters if he so much as looks at anyone for too long. He tries not to even think about it, not like he has time to even consider going out with people. He gets offers but none of them are worth the risk. He tries not to think about why.

When he finally gets off the phone with his sister he does try and call his mom, but it goes to voice mail and then they’re at the hospital. He winces when he gets up, feeling sore and hoping he doesn’t have the flu on top of an ear infection. He already feels bad enough but feels a bit worse when he gets told he’s sicker than he initially thought and is going to _have_ to back out of the schedule planned.

He wishes he could be relieved at finally being able to get enough rest, but he just feels sad for letting people down. He doesn’t like it.

\--

Kyungsoo quietly sits at the dinner table, biting his lip at how uncomfortable he feels with his parents over. It’s Christmas and they apparently didn’t have some dinner party to go to this year so they’re over at his grandpa’s, along with Seungsoo who actually has the day off. He doesn’t see them that often anymore and visits are pretty rare, Dooyoung not even wanting to go with his mom.

He moves to feed Dooyoung more rice, not feeling that hungry himself. He’s mostly just tired, having to help take care of his grandpa who got sick with a cold, on top of having to make sure the chickens are fed, and the garden is covered so nothing will freeze. It’s a lot of work to do, especially with it being so cold.

“Do you have to go potty?” he questions Dooyoung when he starts squirming, getting a headshake from the three-year-old who is still eyeing his parents wearily.

“You use the big boy potty now?” Seungsoo questions, smiling and reaching over to ruffle Dooyoung’s hair.

The boy smiles at his uncle but still looks a little scared of his parents, looking at them every now and then before quickly looking away.

“He’s still learning,” he shares when his dad looks over at him curiously. “He gets scared of the flush,” he adds on, watching as Dooyoung reaches for the _kkakdugi, _getting his hands dirty in the process. Kyungsoo doesn’t understand why he likes radish so much.

“We’ll buy you a training seat and send it here,” his dad offers and Kyungsoo just smiles politely, saying thank you and not bothering to argue with him.

It doesn’t make him feel any better, considering his parents wanted nothing to do with him his entire pregnancy, and still don’t. He hasn’t been told he’s not allowed to come back home, but its an unspoken agreement that he shouldn’t. Having a child out of wedlock is already enough to be shunned from people back home. Having one at seventeen like he did is even worse.

Sometimes he wonders what they tell people about him. If they know he has a son, or if they think he’s off at some boarding school or university. It would make him sad, but he accepted that this was just the consequence of being dumb enough to get pregnant in the first place.

He’s just glad they don’t bother asking about Dooyoung’s dad anymore at this point. He doesn’t think he can handle the look his mother gave him again when he lied and said he didn’t know who it was.

“The Kim’s daughter is getting married in the spring,” his mom shares, making him falter a bit as he tries to get Dooyoung to stop stealing his food.

“I didn’t know you still talked to them,” he says quietly, knowing that Jongin’s older sister had already moved out and started college when they moved away.

“We got invited,” Seungsoo replies, looking over at his parents and hesitating a little bit. “You should come,” he offers, making him immediately lose his what little of an appetite he had.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” his mother speaks up before he can even figure out a reason to decline. “There’s going to be a lot of important people there. It would make everyone uncomfortable if you came with _him_,” she explains, looking at Dooyoung like he’s something to be ashamed of and Kyungsoo hates her for it.

“It would make _you_ uncomfortable you mean, letting people know you’re a grandma because your son is an idiot. Is that what you mean?” he questions sternly, getting a scolding look from his father.

Kyungsoo shakes his head, sending his grandpa an apologetic look before he gets up.

“Dooyoung usually goes to bed early. Thank you for coming. See you in another year,” he mumbles tiredly, grabbing Dooyoung who whines a little as he walks them towards their room.

He lets out a shaky breath as he closes the door, setting Dooyoung down on the bed and forcing himself not to cry as he goes and grabs his pajamas. The three year isn’t tired though, since its too early and puts up a fight getting him out of his Christmas sweater. He manages to get him dressed for bed at least, letting him get down and run over towards his blocks.

He startles when he hears a knock on the door, Dooyoung twitching comically and running back over to him. Kyungsoo sighs as he picks him up, going over towards his door and smiling tiredly when he sees that it’s just Seungsoo.

“Mom and dad left. Well, grandpa made them leave,” his brother shares, so he sets Dooyoung down now that he knows it’s just his brother. The boy runs back to his blocks, mumbling to himself as he plays with them.

“You didn’t go with them?” he questions quietly, watching Dooyoung play and smiling a little when the three-year-old comes over and shyly hands his uncle a toy, before he goes back and plays by himself again.

“I can catch a cab. I have the holidays off but need to be back by Tuesday morning bright and early at the hotel. Getting a promotion has its price,” Seungsoo replies, making him smile a little and go help Dooyoung who is trying to reach something on the shelf and he’s too small. Kyungsoo hands him the book, getting a beaming smile before Dooyoung holds it up for him to read.

“I got you a present,” Seungsoo speaks up suddenly, making him look over and realize that he was hiding a bag in the hallway, which he brings into his room.

“Daddy, b-book,” Dooyoung pesters, tugging on his pants and pouting when he tells him to hold on.

“You didn’t have to,” he says quietly, biting his lip and moving to sit down on the floor so he can open the gift. Dooyoung rushes to sit in his lap, pouting miserably at having his book put on hold.

“Grandpa said you needed a new one and well, with my raise,” Seungsoo explains when he sees a brand-new coat that already makes him feel warmer.

“You really didn’t have to,” he reiterates quietly, laughing when Dooyoung moves to hug onto the coat.

“I don’t want you freezing to death. You wanna try it on?” he laughs out at Dooyoung who giggles and stands up when Seungsoo pesters him enough.

“Thank you, hyung,” he gets out, going to hug his brother and give him a quick kiss on the cheek.

Dooyoung runs back and grabs his book, as best he can while wearing a coat way too big for him.

“I’m going to go help grandpa clean up. Then maybe we can watch a movie?” Seungsoo suggest, so Kyungsoo nods his head, helping Dooyoung out of his coat and going to hang it up.

“C’mon let’s go try and go potty,” he tells Dooyoung, getting a pout from the boy as he carries him over towards the restroom.

“_Noooo_!” Dooyoung whines, kicking and managing to get let down because he hits him in the stomach.

He winces, shaking his head as Dooyoung runs out of the room way too quick to attempt to chase him down. He sighs tiredly, picking up his toys and putting them away so he doesn’t accidentally step on them later on.

When he gets back to the kitchen it’s mostly cleaned up, his brother finishing up some of the dishes and his grandpa handing Dooyoung a tiny mug that looks like hot chocolate.

“He already had some earlier,” he sighs out, forcing down a smile when Dooyoung gets excited by the marshmallows.

“It’s Christmas, he’s allowed,” his grandpa smiles out, making him nod his head.

Kyungsoo declines a mug, not really caring too much for hot chocolate. He’d rather just have some coffee, which he’ll need if Seungsoo was serious about that movie.

\--

Jongin smiles through another picture, bowing when he gets thanked and quickly moving to avoid having to pose in even more random people’s pictures. He doesn’t even know half the people that are asking for them, unsure if they’re friends of the groom or just random relatives he’s never met. He wishes his sister would have had a small wedding, preferably with just family, but his family knows way too many people.

He makes his way through the venue and finds his table, sitting down and tiredly moving to rub at his temples. At least he managed to clear his schedule for the wedding but tomorrow its back to the city and back to his regular hectic life. He grabs his glass of wine and sips on it, making a face because he really doesn’t care for alcohol.

“Jongin?”

He forces a smile on his lips as he looks up, ready to get forced into another awkward picture with some random person because he’s _Kai_ and its his sisters wedding, he can't just say no. Instead his smile drops a little, surprised to see someone he actually recognizes.

“Seungsoo hyung?” he gets out eventually, standing up and moving to give him a hug, mind reeling.

“I wasn’t sure you would recognize me,” Seungsoo laughs out, making him shake his head, trying to keep his pulse in check.

“We were neighbors for _forever_, of course I would,” he rushes out, looking around and suddenly feeling antsy. “I didn’t know mom invited you,” he adds on awkwardly, trying to see if he spots more of the Do family, his heart beat loud in his ears as he starts getting nervous.

“Yeah, I guess they still talk on the phone sometimes,” Seungsoo shares, making him nod his head. He had no idea.

“Is um, your brother here?” he questions as casually as he can, trying not to seem too curious or eager for a response. Seungsoo doesn’t exactly know that he was the least bit interested in Kyungsoo. Or that he snuck into Kyungsoo’s room on occasion, more than one occasion. He tries not to feel disappointed when Seungsoo makes a face, meaning Kyungsoo isn’t here. He doesn’t know why he even started to get his hopes up.

“No, uh, he couldn’t make it. He’s pretty busy these days,” Seungsoo replies, looking a bit awkward and Jongin wishes he could ask, but he probably shouldn’t. He’s just going to upset himself.

“Right. What university is he going to?” he questions despite knowing it’s a bad idea to torture himself life this. Kyungsoo is probably in college by now, doing regular stuff he could be doing if he decided dancing wasn’t a real career choice. Things like having a boyfriend. It’s been four years. Kyungsoo is bound to have moved on by now. Unlike him.

“He’s not, but uh what about you? I saw you won one of those fancy award things this year!” Seungsoo replies, quickly changing the subject and Jongin smiles tightly, nodding his head and forcing himself to just go along with it.

Kyungsoo’s probably forgotten about him by now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna eat lunch and then come back and fix any errors i might have missed !


	4. 2016 part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kyungsoo turns 22, meanwhile jongin turns 23.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for non-main character death

Kyungsoo smiles as Dooyoung attempts to stick his hands in the cake on the table, getting a stern look from Seungsoo that makes him pull his hand back and let out a deep sigh. Kyungsoo gives him a kiss on the cheek, knowing he’s been looking forward to the cake since Seungsoo showed up an hour ago with it.

“You can blow out the candle for daddy,” he tells Dooyoung, getting a bright smile in return.

The four-year-old was going to do it anyway, but it distracts him from actually sticking his hands in the chocolate icing and getting scolded by his uncle. Seungsoo can only stay for a little bit longer before he has to travel back to the city. Kyungsoo is honestly surprised he came in the first place, knowing majority of the time his brother has to work on his birthday.

Turning twenty-two isn’t really anything important to him, although pretty much all of his birthdays stopped really meaning anything to him after he had Dooyoung. He became an adult the second he found out he was pregnant, so anything after that really just became another year added onto his age, nothing more nothing less.

“Not before we finish singing though, you have to wait until the end, okay?” Seungsoo questions, making Dooyoung nod his head.

“O-okay,” Dooyoung mumbles, fidgeting a little in his lap before trying to poke his finger in the icing again.

“_Do Dooyoung_,” he warns sternly, getting a whine in return as Dooyoung retreats his hand and puts it back in his lap.

“You’re something else,” Seungsoo laughs out, making him shake his head.

Dooyoung is at the age where he’s learning what he can and can’t get away with. He’s constantly pushing his limits, stressing him out. Kyungsoo is sure he’s going to have grey hair by the time he’s in his teens, knowing he definitely didn’t inherit his demeanor. Although Dooyoung is generally shy, he’s not exactly _passive_, especially when it comes to obeying him.

“I want cake,” Dooyoung whines out, huffing a little and making him roll his eyes.

“Be patient,” his grandpa tells Dooyoung, who ends up pouting and nodding his head, because of course he always listen to _him_.

“Alright, lets hurry before someone gets impatient,” Seungsoo replies sarcastically, making him nod his head and hug onto Dooyoung.

He smiles as he gets sang to, feeling a little awkward because neither Seungsoo nor his grandpa can carry a note, making him fight down a laugh. He tickles Dooyoung a little before telling him he can blow out of the candle, hoping he doesn’t get any spit on the cake and thankfully he doesn’t. He _does_ end up sticking his finger in the icing and sticking it in his mouth.

“So close,” his grandpa laughs out, making him smile and laugh a little when Seungsoo looks like he wants to scold his nephew. “Let me grabs some forks.”

“I didn’t have a chance to get you a present,” Seungsoo comments while their grandpa is grabbing utensils and plates, making him shrug.

“It’s okay,” he replies, not really expecting the cake in the first place. “I’m just happy that you’re here,” he adds on, knowing its hard to visit now that he’s actually managing the hotel he works at.

At least he got a degree and is actually putting it to good use, despite their parents wanting him to be a doctor. He gets paid well and Kyungsoo is happy at least one of them is doing something to please their parents, because its certainly not him. His mother is starting to bug him about finding someone to marry and Kyungsoo knows that’s never going to happen. He doesn’t even have time to think about dating and even if he did, no one wants to date the guy who had a baby at seventeen.

Kyungsoo is just trying to raise Dooyoung as best he can, not worrying about much else other than his grandpa who is getting older. He’s the one that does most of the outdoor work now that his grandpa’s arthritis has started really hindering his day to day activities. Kyungsoo doesn’t mind, summers with his grandpa tending to the chickens and the garden instilled in him. He likes how mundane and routine it is, not having to overthink it.

“Next weekend I can come over and bring pizza or something,” Seungsoo shares, making him nod his head.

“Pizza!” Dooyoung shouts, looking extremely excited.

“He likes ham and pineapple,” Kyungsoo shares, getting a disgusted look from Seungsoo.

“Are you sure we’re related?” Seungsoo questions Dooyoung who just looks confused, looking up at him with a pout.

“Uncle Seungsoo is just joking,” he tells him, giving him a kiss on the cheek before moving him out of his lap so he can get up. “Grandpa will serve you, I have to go to the restroom,” he informs the boy, getting a nod before Dooyoung sits back in the chair and waits for his cake.

Kyungsoo excuses himself and goes towards the restroom, tiredly turning on the light and using the restroom before pausing before he leaves. He grabs his phone and deflates a little seeing no missed calls from his parents, which is normal, but he thought maybe this year he’d at least get a text. He really tries not to get upset over it, knowing they work, and they aren’t exactly close.

“Daddy! I g-gotta go,” he hears loudly, making him snap out of it and open up the door.

Dooyoung rushes in with a little whine, struggling to get his pants down so he forces himself not to laugh, helping him get onto the seat and then waiting patiently for him to do his business. When he hears he’s done he helps him down, making sure he fixes his pants properly and then holding him up so he can wash his hands before letting him down again.

He walks after him and winces when he sees the cake crumbs on the floor he’s going to have to cleanup. Dooyoung is probably going to get himself full of chocolate and then get hyper and not want to go to bed at a reasonable time. Kyungsoo can’t wait until he’s able to start school.

“I’m going to head out, let me know if you need anything next time I come,” Seungsoo informs him, so he nods his head, giving his brother a hug and seeing him to the door.

Once he’s gone, he goes back to the kitchen, frowning a little at how his grandpa is just letting Dooyoung eat from the actual cake with a fork, and not serving him a piece.

“Grandpa,” he sighs out, not having the energy to even argue about it when the elder points to an unused fork and motions for him to join them. “He’s not going to want to sleep now,” he mutters as he sits down, picking the fork up and poking the cake, not really in the mood for it now.

“You’re only a kid once,” his grandpa chastises him gently, making him suppress a sigh and lick the frosting off his fork boredly.

“I guess you’re right,” he mutters, wanting to go to bed but knowing he’ll be up until god knows when. Dooyoung looks happy at least.

\--

Jongin helps his manager carry boxes from the car to his dorm room, kind of overwhelmed with the number of things he got this year. His living room is now full of boxes that are holding several bags of presents inside of them. He knows fansites go all out for idols birthday’s, but he can barely even see his couch now.

He doesn’t think last year was this excessive, but then again, he’s gained a lot more fans since then, with all the variety appearances he’s done thanks to the company. Plus, two successful tours and another planned for the spring, right around his anniversary for his debut. More gifts probably shouldn’t be such a surprise.

He’s still in awe of how quickly his birthday party even sold out and how many people managed to fit in the tiny theater. He didn’t expect to see so many people when he walked onto the stage, especially just for a two-hour event.

“I know your friends are coming over but don’t make me get a phone call because you did something stupid,” his manager warns, making him roll his eyes.

“It’s just Taemin and Sehun, maybe Wonsik and Moonkyu if their schedules end early. I’m not dumb,” he replies plainly, wondering at what point his manager will stop treating him like a child.

He’s already _twenty-three_.

“I would warn you about girls but that’s never been a problem, now has it?” his manager adds on, making him groan.

“Can you just leave?” he questions exasperatedly, shaking his head and all but shoving him out the door as he laughs.

Jongin shakes his head, looking at the clock and wincing a little. He was supposed to call his mom around seven and now it’s nearly eleven. He goes and grabs his phone, walking around all the boxes and seeing his inbox is now flooded with messages from his parents and sister. He replies before going towards his room, nearly bumping into his shelf and having to move last minute as he’s too focused on his phone.

He tosses his phone onto his bed before going to grab some clothes for after he showers, knowing his friends will be over before he knows it. He rushes to finish up, heading to his fridge and wincing at how empty it is. He’ll just have to order food, too afraid of how long that take out box has been sitting there.

He twitches when he hears his doorbell, walking over towards his door and looking at the display screen, seeing it’s his friends, he lets them in. He prepares himself for loud noise as soon as they walk in and that’s exactly what happens. He smiles through it though, just glad to be around people he can actually talk to.

“We brought beer and chicken, because we know you probably have nothing to eat,” Sehun states quietly, excusing himself to the living room to set everything down.

“You know I don’t really drink,” he tries to comment, but is immediately cut off.

“It’s your birthday we’re getting you drunk,” Taemin scoffs, making him suppress a sigh and instead go and make sure Sehun is using coasters for the beer cans.

Although, most of the furniture in his dorm is really old, since he debuted and even if he isn’t always at home its gone through some rough times with his friends. Now that he has enough money, he’s thinking of asking for a better one, closer to the management building like Taemin and Sehun have.

“Wonsik wanted to order a porno but Sehun said no,” Moonkyu mumbles, making him nearly choke on his drink.

“Not everyone likes _girls_,” Sehun replies sternly, and Jongin is glad at least one of them has some common sense.

“I think those channels are blocked anyways,” he replies awkwardly, shaking his head and opening up the bucket of chicken they brought over.

He ate a lot of cake at the birthday event, but he hasn’t had a real dinner yet. He’ll probably have to work out for _hours_ to burn off the calories, but it’s worth it. Plus, it’s his birthday, he’s allowed to cheat on his diet.

“Do you really need _another_ macbook?” Moonkyu questions, looking into one of his boxes.

“I got five now,” he replies easily, shrugging and thinking to ask if they want one, but the last thing he needs is people thinking he hands out his own fan gifts to other people.

“Jesus,” Wonsik mutters, looking through some other boxes curiously.

“One day you’ll be at _Kai’s_ level and your living room will be filled with fan gifts too,” Taemin laughs out, making him roll his eyes as he moves to eat more chicken.

He does end up letting his friends get him slightly drunk, enough that he isn’t exactly able to sit up on his own, instead leaning onto Sehun who is very interested in his phone. He squints as he looks over the younger male’s messages, surprised to see a familiar name in the text he’s sending with too many heart emojis.

“You have _Byun Baekhyun’s_ phone number?” he questions incredulously, surprised since Sehun is a hermit when it comes to interacting with other idols. He usually keeps to himself at shows where all of them are all on one stage together.

The other guys are too busy playing with some VR set to notice, otherwise Sehun would probably get embarrassed and tell him to shut up. Instead his friend starts turning pink in the ears and slowly nods his head.

“I met him at Inkigayo last year. He’s nice and buys me bubble tea every time we go out,” Sehun says quietly, making him smile stupidly.

“Sehunnie has a _boyfriend_,” he snickers out, reaching over and pinching his cheeks because he knows the other male hates it.

“Shut up,” Sehun whines, shoving him off of him and causing him to start laughing, the alcohol making him a lot more at ease. “Get a love life before you pick on me for mine,” he adds on, making him frown.

“I would but Kyungsoo doesn’t know what the internet is apparently,” he huffs out, scowling as he grabs one of the throw pillows and hugs onto it tiredly as he leans against Sehun again.

“Who?”

Jongin shakes his head, clearing his throat and sobering up a little, not meaning to even say _any_ of that out loud. This is why he doesn’t drink, he hates the taste and says stupid things because he can’t filter himself properly.

“Nobody,” he dismisses, shaking his head again before messing with his hair, suddenly not feeling so happy. “Just someone from high school,” he adds on, knowing he can’t say Kyungsoo was an old boyfriend, because he wasn’t.

Jongin was too wrapped up in his own image back in high school to ever be caught near Kyungsoo at school. Not that Kyungsoo was someone horrible to be seen with. No one really knew Kyungsoo that well to stick a label on him. It’s just, he was a year below him and well, Jongin was _popular_. The popular guy in his grade and cool kids don’t date down, they date _up_, and for whatever reason he wanted to stay well liked.

It was stupidly childish now that he looks back on it, wondering if Kyungsoo secretly hated him for downright ignoring him in school. He would deserve it. He still hates himself for managing to lose his number. He’s too scared to ask his mom if she could pull a favor and get it now, knowing it will seem out of the blue and she’ll ask questions he’s not exactly prepared to deal with.

“I’m tired,” he mumbles, getting up and clumsily making his way to his room so he can just go to sleep.

He doesn’t think to turn on the light, actually running into his book shelf and cussing as he manages to stub his toe. He groans before hopping over to his bed, feeling slightly nauseated. He flops onto his mattress clumsily, tugging the blanket from underneath him and covering himself as best as he can. He squints as he sees he managed to knock some things down, turning to face the wall. He’ll worry about it in the morning.

\--

Kyungsoo sits tiredly in the hall, eyes burning because he can’t remember the last time he actually slept. His mind is too scattered to even think clearly, only being able to focus on anything when Dooyoung says something. The four-year-old is asleep in his lap, so he looks down, playing with his hair to keep his eyes open.

“Kyungsoo,” Seungsoo speaks up, making him look over to realize the elder is back. “When was the last time you slept?” his brother questions him, making him shrug tiredly before looking back over at the alter area and feeling himself tear up again.

He knew it was inevitable, his grandpa wasn’t going to live forever. He kept getting sick and at his age it was too much for him to actually fight off. He was fine until everything started going wrong and a flu only made it worse. It happened all too quickly for him to really prepare himself, unable to handle it now that he knows he’s truly alone with the elder gone.

“You need to sleep, _please_,” Seungsoo begs him and he cracks, shaking his head and choking back a sob, trying not to wake Dooyoung up and worry him.

“No,” he says stubbornly, wiping at his eyes and trying to get a hold of himself because Dooyoung is a light sleeper and he doesn’t want to have to explain _again_ that they won’t be seeing grandpa anymore. He can’t handle it.

“Don’t cry,” Seungsoo sighs out, pulling him into his arms and Kyungsoo lets him, feeling weak from the lack of sleep, not even knowing when he last ate. He feels dizzy and he knows Seungsoo is right to pester him to sleep.

He’s exhausted, his entire body aching but there’s only one more day until the wake is over. He can handle one more day. He doesn’t say that out loud though, not wanting to argue. He just wants to go back to before any of this even happened. He doesn’t want to think about having to go back to the house and see it so empty without his grandpa there.

“Why don’t you stay with me for a while? I could get you a job at the hotel and Dooyoung can stay at the day care. It’ll keep your mind off things for a while at least,” Seungsoo suggests, so he just tiredly nods.

He hates the city and would never take up the offer on normal circumstances, but Seungsoo is right. He needs _something_ to distract himself now that he doesn’t have the one person he depended on all this time. Dooyoung will be starting school before he knows it and he needs to make sure he can handle it on his own, so used to his grandpa helping him when he gets too overwhelmed.

He hasn’t done anything alone since he moved in with his grandpa nearly five years ago. Every step of the way the elder was there to hold his hand, listen to him when he cried because it was too hard and reassure him that he could handle it. He doesn’t know how he’s going to function without him anymore. The thought just makes him cry all over again, hiding his face in his brother’s shoulder.

“Daddy?” Dooyoung questions, making him force himself to sit up, wiping his eyes and sniffling a little.

“Hm?” he replies, looking at Dooyoung who is eyeing him with a tiny frown, looking tired still.

He looks like Jongin and that’s the only thing that comforts him a little. The elder used to get really bad bed hair, something Dooyoung inherited, looking like he walked through a hurricane when in reality he just slept on his lap. It’s the first thing to make him smile in weeks.

“Do you need to go potty?” he questions when Dooyoung squirms a little, knowing he’s not really comfortable with the number of strangers he’s had to see these past couple of days.

“I’ll take him, please just at least eat something,” Seungsoo tells him when Dooyoung nods his head.

He sighs and lets his brother take Dooyoung, the four-year-old clinging to his uncle and hiding behind his leg when they run into other relatives they haven’t seen since who knows when. Kyungsoo tiredly gets up from the floor, stumbling a little as his legs remain stiff from kneeling so long. He rubs his face and goes towards the area where he knows there’s food and drinks.

He’s rubbing his eyes when he hears someone call his name, making him frown a little and turn around. He squints, not recognizing the woman who walks up to him until she gets closer, feeling his pulse pick up.

Kim Jaekyung has always been pretty, but she seems to have gotten even prettier in the years he hasn’t seen her. He doesn’t know how to react, looking her over and noticing the man near her who must be her husband. He’s even more surprised to see a small baby bump despite the black dress she’s wearing making it less obvious.

“I know we haven’t seen each other in a long time, but you remember me, right?” Jaekyung questions so he nods his head, looking around nervously.

“Of course,” he says quietly, having gotten several old dolls from the elder when she grew out of them. Jongin definitely didn’t want them and he was the only one nearby. He hasn’t seen her since before the Kim’s moved away. She was already in college by then.

“My parents couldn’t make it, but they send their condolences,” she informs him, so he nods his head again.

“Thank you,” he replies, fidgeting with his sleeves and hoping Dooyoung takes his time, not knowing if they even know he has a kid.

He doesn’t think his parents even invited anyone they socialize with. It’s mostly been just family and close friends. So, he’s more than surprised to see Jongin’s sister, feeling his stomach feel queasy at the thought of the elder being here too.

“Is Jongin,” he starts to question but stops himself, knowing it’s stupid to think he would come.

“Oh, no. He’s always so busy, I’m not sure my mom told him,” she replies, giving him a tiny smile and Kyungsoo forces himself to not feel disappointed.

He thinks to ask her about him but knows he’s not really in the right mental place right now. He can’t deal with another thing right now, even if he wants to know. He almost thinks to tell her about Dooyoung but knows it wouldn’t be right. She’s pregnant and telling her and not Jongin doesn’t settle well with him. It wouldn’t change anything. Jongin would hate him if he had to find out that way. He’s already come to terms with Jongin never knowing about Dooyoung.

“My parents are in the hall,” he offers, getting a nod and he bites his lip when Jaekyung hesitates before she says she’s going to go say hello to them.

He smiles and bows before watching them go, shoulders deflating and eyes watering yet again. He takes a deep breath before turning around, flinching when Dooyoung runs up to him and hugs onto his legs. He sighs a little, attempting to fix his hair before moving to pick him up, immediately feeling dizzy again.

“I don’t feel well,” he says quietly, getting a concerned frown from Seungsoo who puts an arm around his shoulder and leads him over towards the small kitchenette.

“Let’s get some food in you, then you need to sleep,” Seungsoo states sternly, so he nods his head, just wanting to sleep.

\--

Jongin wipes his brow as he finally gets a drink of water, panting a little and moving to sit down on the studio floor. He feels so tired, but comeback preparations are always exhausting, so its nothing new. He clears his throat and looks up when he sees his manager walk in, several papers in his hands. He manages a small head nod at him, too out of breath to speak just yet.

“You know that kid fans say looks like you?” his manager questions so he nods his head, a little freaked out about how similar he really does resemble the toddler. If he didn't know better he would swear that was his kid, but that's not really possible. 

“Taeoh?” he replies, sitting up a little and looking up at his manager who nods his head.

“We got you onto the show, so you get to meet him! Shooting is in three weeks and set to air a week before your comeback. It’ll be good publicity,” his managers shares, looking excited.

Jongin is honestly just surprised, not really having much experience with children yet. His noona is expecting and he’s excited to finally be an uncle but has never actually taken care of a kid before. He loves them though, so he’s looking forward to it.

“I actually get to take of him? Are they sure?” he questions, reading over the details they have written on the paper his manager hands him.

“You’re not incapable. Besides, there will be staff following your every move. His parents are thinking just nearby locations. You’re not going out of the country with him.”

Jongin nods his head, feeling reassured but still a little intimidated. He’s watched a lot of episodes of _Oh! My Baby_, so it’s not like he’s going in blind. It still makes him nervous though, unsure of how he’ll do.

“The fans will eat it up,” his manager adds on, making him roll his eyes.

“Okay, but I’ve never taken care of a kid before,” he comments, hoping they know he’s not exactly an expert and don't expect him to automatically be a child whisperer.

“Practice for when you have your own little bundles of joy,” his manager shrugs, checking his phone when it goes off.

“Right,” he replies slowly, getting ignored when it’s an important enough call that his manager answers it and quickly leaves the studio to talk.

Jongin feels himself smile a bit, glad to be doing something different for once. He’s kind of tired of going on shows and just dancing and maybe getting to talk for fifteen minutes. He enjoys things where he’s able to just relax a bit. Playing with his mini me is bound to be better than the last show he had to go on, awkwardly dodging uncomfortable questions. He can't even remember the last time he even got to do something this fun. It's been a lot of performances the last couple of months. 

He also starts thinking about what his manager said, having his own kids. It seems so far ahead, considering his contract renewal is coming up next year and he’s most likely going to resign. That means another five years of promoting, no time to date or even think about marriage, let alone _children_. He wants them though, more than he probably realized just looking through the pictures he sees online comparing him and Taeoh.

He sighs tiredly, putting all those thoughts on hold because his choreographer is back from break and ready to make him regret even auditioning to be an idol in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i said there would be heavy angst....so dont hate me :<  
ill also edit tomorrow askldjakla


	5. 2016 part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no use crying over spilled milk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is spilled milk the summary isnt just for show LOL

Kyungsoo tiredly drags his suitcase across the hotel floor, holding onto Dooyoung’s hand as they try and find the room Seungsoo set up for them. The elder’s apartment is being repainted and getting new carpet, so it’s definitely not equipped to handle a four-year-old for the next three days. The perk of Seungsoo being the manager of the entire hotel, is that they at least get free rooms.

“Do you spot number 313?” he questions Dooyoung, watching as the boy shakes his head and keeps looking at the room numbers.

The daycare Seungsoo enrolled him in has been helping him learn his numbers, although he hates going. Dooyoung hasn’t been around a lot of people growing up, especially not around so many other little kids. Kyungsoo hates leaving him there, but knows he needs to get used to it, especially for the fall when he starts school. He actually catches onto the lessons they give easily, coming home one day and suddenly Dooyoung was reading a book.

“That one?” Dooyoung questions, making him pause and look over at the door, smiling when he sees the right numbers.

“Good job,” he praises, leaning down and giving him a big kiss on the cheek and getting giggled at. “You’re so smart,” he adds on, letting Dooyoung drag him towards the door.

He grabs the key card and holds it up, hearing the beep and moving to open the door. He lets Dooyoung rush inside first, knowing the boy is excited since he’s never been anywhere overnight that wasn’t Seungsoo’s place. Kyungsoo follows after him, not being as in awe since he’s been cleaning these rooms for close to three weeks now.

Its not fun work but Kyungsoo doesn’t mind it. He enjoys cleaning and gets a lot of time to himself, not really having to interact with any of the guests. He just cleans the rooms he gets told to and then helps out other staff when need be. It pays well enough and it distracts him from everything too.

“Candy!” Dooyoung shouts, rushing over towards the mini snack bar, making him suppress a groan.

“Not before dinner,” he calls out, going to put their suitcase down near the bed and rushing over to make sure Dooyoung obeys. “Uncle Seungsoo is going to bring us chicken, your favorite,” he adds on when the boy looks upset, pouting as he crosses his arms over his chest. The mention of chicken makes him perk up.

“You _promise_?” Dooyoung pesters, making him smile and nod his head.

“Pinky promise,” he replies, watching as Dooyoung claps his hands excitedly before linking his pinky with his. “Now go fix your shoes by the door and then you can take a bubble bath, okay?”

“O-okay daddy,” Dooyoung replies, shuffling over towards the door like he was told.

Kyungsoo goes and starts unpacking their clothes since they’ll actually be there long enough that he doesn’t want to just live out of a suitcase. He’s glad he at least has several work uniforms, actually liking the charcoal grey color. He turns around when he hears a knock on the door, Dooyoung running and going to hide under the covers, making him laugh.

He goes over and looks through the peep hole, relieved to see its just Seungsoo. He opens the door and ushers him in, smiling seeing his brother so dressed up. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to him looking nice for work.

“You’re happy,” Seungsoo comments, making him shrug.

“I am, I think,” he replies, watching as Dooyoung pops his head out from underneath the blanket and immediately gasps.

“Uncle!” Dooyoung shouts, rushing up to Seungsoo who immediately moves to pick him up.

Kyungsoo smiles happily before going back to putting up their clothes, making sure his uniform won’t get wrinkled before closing the small closet door and turning around when he hears a crinkle from a wrapper being opened. He groans seeing Seungsoo sharing the bag of gummy worms.

“_Hyung_,” he scolds, getting a wide-eyed look from his brother. “I told him _after_ dinner,” he whines, wanting to tug at his own hair when Dooyoung already has three in his hand and one in his mouth.

“Sorry, I didn’t know,” Seungsoo replies, reminding him of their grandpa, which just makes him feel a little sad.

“Just tell me you were actually bringing chicken. I promised him,” he explains tiredly, not wanting to deal with Dooyoung getting upset if he doesn’t give him chicken like he _just_ promised.

“I already called ahead! Got him his garlic fries he loves so much too. I’m the best uncle, right?” Seungsoo questions Dooyoung who nods his head.

“You’re his _only_ uncle,” he mutters to himself, shaking his head and grabbing the bubbles he brought before going towards the restroom to get the water ready for Dooyoung to take his bath.

He turns on the water and waits for it to get warm enough before closing the drain, pouring enough of the bubble solution and waiting. He looks down at his phone when he gets a text message, seeing its from his coworkers group chat he got added into yesterday. Majority of them are young, like him, but they’re in university or saving up for university. Kyungsoo sometimes wishes he could have finished high school, gone to college, actually made a career for himself.

He doesn’t regret keeping Dooyoung though, having tortured himself for hours thinking on what he should do when he never heard from Jongin. He doesn’t know how many times he went to bed thinking Jongin would call him the next day and tell him what to do. He pictured two scenarios in his head.

The one where Jongin called him and was happy about them having a baby together, obviously was farfetched, but at seventeen he hoped a little too hard for it to happen. He was completely crushed when one day Jongin’s number wasn’t even in service, having thrown up three times after he got the stupid automated message telling him the number he was trying to contact was no longer in service.

Jongin never liked him. Jongin was just a stupid boy who didn’t want anything to do with him. He just wanted sex and he was dumb enough to let him have it.

Kyungsoo wishes he could just forget about him, but its impossible with Dooyoung.

“I gotta go back to work, but I’ll come by after five with dinner, okay?” Seungsoo interrupts his thoughts, making him twitch and realize he’s filled the tub a little too much.

He turns off the water and turns around, nodding his head and beckoning Dooyoung over.

“Okay, we’ll be here,” he replies, waving his brother off and helping Dooyoung out of his clothes before picking him up and setting him in the tub. “Do you want to watch a movie? I brought _How to Train You Dragon _and _Big Hero 6_,” he informs the four-year-old, getting a shrug.

“I d-dunno,” Dooyoung replies, splashing a bit and getting water on his glasses. He ignores it, grabbing the bath wash and the cup to get his hair wet so he can wash it.

“Maybe we can go explore in a little bit, would that be fun?” he questions, getting another shrug from Dooyoung who is staring at the bubbles.

“I want gummy worms,” Dooyoung grumbles, splashing the water again and making him sigh.

“After dinner,” he replies, getting a deep sigh from Dooyoung who just nods his head and starts playing with the water.

He lets Dooyoung play for a while, wishing he would have brought some of his toys. He didn’t even think to, just making sure he brought Dooyoung’s bunny because he can’t sleep without it. His blanket too, he can’t sleep without the blanket either. Dooyoung is very particular about getting to sleep. He doesn’t even sleep in the bed Seungsoo bought him yet, still taking up space next to him.

Honestly, Kyungsoo can’t sleep without Dooyoung next to him either. So, he understands.

“Daddy, I miss grandpa,” Dooyoung says quietly, making him smile sadly.

“I miss him too,” he replies, moving Dooyoung’s hair away from his forehead. “How about we look at pictures of us and grandpa while we wait for uncle Seungsoo?” he questions, getting an excited smile.

\--

Jongin wipes his hands on his jean as he sits in the car, nervously waiting for them to arrive at Taeoh’s house. He asked his sister and mom for advice and they gladly gave it, but it’s mostly just making sure he doesn’t make anyone cry. The staff have pretty much already given him a rundown of what he’ll be doing anyways but still.

He’s to meet them at their house and spend some time with them before taking Taeoh to a store nearby to get snacks. It sounds easy enough, but he knows there’s a million ways it can end up being a mess.

He had an interview earlier and they reassured him it would run smoothly, that Taeoh is generally an easy-going kid who doesn’t require much handling. He hopes they’re right, not knowing how to get a toddler to stop crying or not hate him.

Even as a kid, he himself was pretty shy, only really playing with Seungsoo because he was the hyung next door who actually let him play with his action figures. But thinking about that just makes him think of Kyungsoo and he can’t start picturing the younger male when he’s going to be taking care of a kid that looks like he could be his own. It’s definitely not good for his heart to think of things he can’t have.

He sighs a little as they start to get into the neighborhood, making him look over towards the gift he brought along. He couldn’t just show up with nothing, especially since he’s trying to get the kid to actually like him, but he wonders if its something he’ll even like. The company almost made him bring an album and Jongin really had to argue with his manager about how stupid that would be.

“They’ll edit it out if I make him cry, right?” he questions seriously, getting an eye roll from his manager.

“_You’re_ practically a kid, you’ll fit right in,” the elder replies boredly, making him suppress a sigh.

“I really just, go in by myself?” he pesters some more, never having actually done a schedule on his own, although he knows his manager will be behind the scenes, he usually gets introduced to the people he’s going to work with before they actually start filming.

“Yes, Jongin, like a big boy,” his manager snorts out, so he just ignores him.

As soon as they get to the house the staff is supposed to get him all wired up and then he’s pretty much on his own. There isn’t a script to follow which makes it harder. Jongin’s used to memorizing lines and following what the staff want. It’s not possible with a show with kids though and he feels a little nausea when they finally get to the house.

He sighs as his manager gets out of the car and starts to greet the staff who are going to be filming him from the outside. He stays in his seat, putting on a smile and hoping he doesn’t manage to make the boy cry.

\--

Kyungsoo tiredly leans against the counter, looking over at Joohyun who is busy typing away and talking on the phone about booking a room for a customer. The elder is two years older than him and apparently well off, her parents actually owning the hotel chain. She’s not at all snotty like he expected her to be though. Growing up with other rich kids he learned very early on they were just snobs in training.

It was definitely an adjustment when he moved in with his grandpa, not realizing he was so used to being spoiled with a television in every room and way too much free time and money. He’s glad he never let it bother him too much, not minding the isolation that came with living in the countryside.

“Room 411 just checked out and room 415 is ready too,” Joohyun informs him, handing over the key card so he nods his head, taking it and then heading towards the back area where he has his cleaning cart just sitting.

He grabs it before moving to take the elevator, pushing it through the doors and hitting the fourth-floor button. He waits patiently as he gets taken up, humming a little and checking his watch for the time. He still has several more hours before his shift is up, and his feet are starting to hurt. He needs better shoes but the daycare Seungsoo put Dooyoung in is _expensive_ and he feels bad just letting the elder pay for it.

He sighs as he finally makes it to the right floor, walking his cart down the hallway and stopping in front of the door. He opens it up and lets out a little relieved sigh that the room isn’t a complete mess. He goes about replacing the sheets and the towels, wiping everything down and then moving towards the desk and pausing when he sees a handphone.

He’s surprised to see someone actually leave it behind, because it looks expensive and most people can’t live without their phones in their hands. Especially the people that stay here, considering they’re usually business executives or something else important enough to wear an overpriced suit every day.

He sets it down on the cart, knowing that the owner is probably going to be returning for it before the end of the day. He has to turn it in to whoever is manning the front desk, which is Joohyun for the rest of his shift. When he finishes the room, he makes sure to turn the television on and leave the front light on before closing the door and heading back towards the elevator.

“Excuse me!” he hears someone shout so he pauses, turning around and watching as a really tall well-dressed guy starts rushing up to him.

He eyes him wearily, not really dealing with too many of their guests enough to be comfortable with it. The guy is heads taller than him, making him nearly have to crane his neck to look up at him. He squints a little, knowing most people that stay at the hotel are well dressed but this guy is wearing a lot of heavy makeup that makes his eyes all shiny.

“The room you just cleaned, I left a phone,” he rushes out, sounding out of breath and Kyungsoo frowns a little, watching as he spots the phone on the cart and starts to reach for it, but he immediately moves the cart away.

“You can’t just claim it here. You have to go to the front desk and show a valid photo ID,” he states hesitantly, knowing its company policy and he doesn’t want to get in trouble with Seungsoo for just letting a random person claim the phone.

The other male gapes a little, starting to pout and look frustrated. Kyungsoo feels a little bad but he can’t afford to make any mistakes when his brother is the one in charge of the staff here. He doesn’t want to accidentally get Seungsoo in trouble because he has no back bone.

“Please? It’s mine, I _swear_, check the wallpaper!” the boy argues, deflating and starting to look a lot younger than he initially thought he was.

Kyungsoo hesitantly grabs the phone and attempts to unlock it, watching as the screen lights up and a picture of the guy who is claiming the phone is his pops up along with several other people. There’s a really old guy and he wonders if that’s his grandfather briefly. He looks it over some more, immediately dropping it when he recognizes one of them, his pulse picking up.

“Careful!” the guy whines out like a kid, moving to pick the phone up and giving him a little glower.

Kyungsoo tries to get his breathing under control, but feels like he may pass out, eyeing the other male carefully.

“You’re an idol?” he says shakily, not ever anticipating an idol actually staying at their hotel, let alone meeting one that apparently knows _Jongin_ well enough he’s on his screensaver.

“Yes,” the other male replies quietly, pouting even more. “This is a first,” he mutters mostly to himself.

Kyungsoo feels like throwing up, stomach suddenly feeling queasy. He feels paranoid now, looking around and hoping no other idols are here, especially _not_ Kim Jongin. He doubts Jongin even remembers him, but he doesn’t want to take any chances.

“So, can I have my phone if I give you a selfie or a signature, um?” the idol questions him, squinting as he tries to read his name tag and Kyungsoo immediately moves to cover it. “Please? I’m in a rush.”

“Just take it,” he replies quickly, knowing there isn’t anyone around and he does _not_ want the other male lingering in the hotel for longer than necessary.

“You _really_ don’t recognize me?” the boy all but whines, making him shake his head wearily.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes, getting a tiny sigh in return. He does actually feel bad and doesn’t want the idol to complain to anyone on his way out of the hotel, so he hesitantly reaches for the notepad he keeps in one of his pockets with a pen, just in case.

“I’ll buy your album, if you promise you won’t tell anyone I just gave you the phone without going to the front desk first,” he compromises, getting a bright smile in return and an eager nod.

“Deal!” the idol rushes out, grabbing the pen and paper and immediately writing something out. “You don’t have to buy it, I won’t tell regardless, but I put the album title down anyways.”

Kyungsoo nods his head, getting the paper back and reading it over. There’s an album title and a signature he didn’t ask for along with the guy’s name presumably in parentheses.

“Oh Sehun,” he repeats carefully, getting another eager nod and a smile. “I’ll buy it,” he promises, getting an excited smile before the phone starts ringing and makes them both jump.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Sehun rushes out before answering it and turning back around before he breaks into a run as he goes towards the elevator.

Kyungsoo looks back down at the paper, folding it up and putting it back in his pocket, really hoping he never runs into another idol again. Maybe he’ll ask if he could work in the kitchen instead, to completely avoid any more guests.

He goes and cleans the second room, groaning seeing that it’s much more of a mess compared to the last. It takes him a while and by the time he’s done he’s starting to get a little hungry. He sighs as he goes back downstairs, putting his cart up and going back to the front desk to see if Joohyun has anymore work for him. When she tells him she doesn’t, he decides to take his break, going towards the breakroom. He goes to his locker and pulls out his bag, searching for some snacks and finding a granola bar.

He goes and sits at the tables, wondering why there are so many girls on break until he spots the television. It looks like an award show red carpet, making him suppress a sigh. He ignores it and takes his phone out of his pocket, looking through his texts from his brother about Dooyoung. The elder is off today and volunteered to take Dooyoung to the aquarium, so he hopes its going well.

He twitches when he hears one of the girl’s screech, shaking his head and letting out a tired sigh when the girls start arguing over who deserves what award and who looks the best in their red-carpet outfits.

“Oppa, you’re not biased, who looks better,” Sooyoung pesters, coming up to the table and showing her handphone where she has a picture pulled up.

He really wants to throw it across the room, wondering why the universe has decided to torture him today when she has a picture of Kim Jongin pulled up. It’s presumably from today and he’s glad he at least missed that portion of the red carpet in opt to clean a room.

Jongin of course looks handsome in the clothing he’s wearing, but that doesn’t mean anything. Jongin was always handsome and he only seems to get better with age, making him seriously wonder what he did in a past life to deserve this.

At least there is another picture pulled up beside it that he can look at instead, perking up a little when he sees it’s the guy he accidentally met earlier. If he’s honest, Jongin looks better but he’s not about to say that out loud.

“I like Sehun,” he replies quickly, clearing his throat and taking a sip of his water.

“Ha!” Sooyoung shouts, making a face at Yerim who rolls her eyes.

“Oppa you have _horrible_ taste,” Yerim comments, continuing to argue with Sooyoung.

He shakes his head, grabbing his water and deciding to go outside instead. He’s had enough of Kim Jongin talk to last him the next five years.

\--

Jongin stifles a yawn as he stretches his arms out, looking up at the television showing whatever girl group is performing before him. He loses interest quickly and continues to stretch, going still when the makeup artist starts pestering him about wanting to touch up his eyeliner. He crouches a little bit, looking over when he hears a familiar voice, seeing Sehun and Chanyeol get ushered into the waiting room.

“I’m just saying, when you tell Baekhyun the hotel staff let you have your phone back, you should leave the part where you mention the cleaning boy was cute,” Chanyeol chastises loudly and Jongin winces a little, hoping none of the staff here are the gossiping type.

Although most of them are either for him or Sehun and Chanyeol, and they’re all under the same company. Leaking things like that could get you fired and blacklisted really quick. Most of his staff is friendly and he’s sure that Chanyeol and Sehun’s already know about Sehun’s private life enough that its nothing new to them.

“You’re flirting with hotel staff now Sehun?” he questions curiously, getting a loud groan in return.

“I did _not_ flirt with him. I said he looked cute because you asked, asshole,” Sehun scolds Chanyeol who is too busy trying to open his water bottle.

“You really almost missed the red carpet because you forgot your phone?” he pesters once his makeup artist is done and he has some time to spare.

Sehun flushes pink, slowly nodding his head and wiping at his brow. “I don’t have a passcode on it, and I have pictures I’d rather not get leaked. The cleaning boy was nice. He said he would buy our album.”

“Did you mention the part where it comes in neon pink plastic?” he questions with a laugh, getting glared at.

“There’s nothing wrong with neon pink. It’s pretty,” Sehun defends, making him snort, not understanding their design department at all.

“I don’t even know what my next album looks like and they already started dropping teasers,” he admits, never seeing anything until its handed to him or he looks online first.

“Yeah, your episode with your mini me is supposed to air this weekend. Chanyeol hyung and I have a bet on how many times he ignored you or you made him cry,” Sehun replies with a bright smile, making his eye twitch.

“I’ll have you know he _adored_ me,” he huffs out, getting up and stretching one last time before he gets told he’s almost up. “If you win the rookie award tonight, I’ll buy you a meal,” he promises, getting a tiny smile from Sehun.

“How about if _you_ win an award tonight, you’ll buy us a meal,” Chanyeol interrupts, making him roll his eyes. “C’mon, you’re _guaranteed_ to leave with like five at this rate.”

Jongin tries not to let himself smile, knowing the elder is right but still. It still feels a little overwhelming to have to go up there several times a night. He got four last year and he’s done way better since then in regard to album sales and just generally being more popular. The word _peak_ has been tossed around and Jongin tries not to think of it like that, just glad to be doing well.

“Fine,” he caves, “Get me this supposed cute cleaning boy’s number and I’ll buy you both shots too,” he adds on jokingly, waving them off as he gets ushered towards the stage.

\--

Kyungsoo tiredly stretches his arms out as he makes his way out of his room, his neck feeling stiff from sleeping on the pillow awkwardly. He yawns as he makes his way towards the living room, hearing Dooyoung singing along to the program on the television. He smiles as he makes his way over towards him, looking at the show and wanting to laugh at Seungsoo who looks annoyed with it.

“Good morning,” he greets with a little laugh, beaming when Dooyoung rushes up and gives him a hug.

“Pancakes!” Dooyoung pesters, tugging on his pajama bottoms and trying to drag him towards the kitchen.

“But I want eggs,” he sighs out, getting a stern headshake from Dooyoung.

“P-please?” Dooyoung questions, pouting and making him fight back a smile.

“Okay, anything for my baby,” he coos, getting an aggravated look from Dooyoung when he squishes his cheeks and gives him a big kiss.

“I’m a _big_ boy,” Dooyoung huffs out, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting. Kyungsoo tries not to laugh, nodding along and rubbing where he pinched him on his cheek.

“Of course, I’m sorry, I forgot,” he apologizes, watching as Dooyoung sighs and goes bug eyed when he hears Seungsoo change the channel.

“No!” Dooyoung shouts loudly, making him wince as he goes and grabs the pancake mix and a bowl.

He goes about making them all breakfast slowly, stacking all the pancakes on a plate and setting it aside. He grabs three more plates and goes to set them down on the coffee table in the living room before going back to the kitchen to grab them drinks. He also grabs the silverware he needs and then realizes he doesn’t have enough room in his hands, so he’ll have to make one more trip.

He sets everything down again and vaguely registers Dooyoung and Seungsoo arguing about what to watch on television as he goes back for his milk. He tries stretching out his neck some more before he grabs his drink, stomach lowly growling as he heads back to the living room.

He looks over at the television when he hears a kid talking, going wide eyed and dropping his milk, flinching when it lands on the ground loudly. He swallows thickly, sparing the television a glance and trying not to cry.

“Woah, you okay?” Seungsoo questions, getting up and he snaps out of it, tearing his eyes away from the television where _stupid_ Kim Jongin is playing with a kid that is definitely _not_ theirs but looks like he could be.

“My hand cramped,” he lies, trying not to cuss as he realizes he completely soaked the carpet. “Sorry, I’ll get a towel,” he rushes out, grabbing the glass from the floor immediately going back to the kitchen.

He angrily tosses the cup in the sink, wincing when it makes a loud crashing noise but luckily doesn’t break since its plastic. He shakes his head and takes a deep breath as he tries to compose himself, rubbing his temples and trying his hardest not to cry. He can’t even begin to explain to Seungsoo _why_ he would even be crying.

He evens out his breathing before wiping at his eyes, grabbing a towel and slowly making his way back to the living room. Dooyoung is poking at the soaked carpet but immediately moves away when he spots him, going back to his pancakes. Seungsoo of course is still eating and watching the program he does his best to ignore.

He presses the towel into the carpet and lets it soak up the milk, trying his hardest to tune out the noise on the television.

“You remember Jongin right?” Seungsoo questions, making him glare a little at the carpet before composing himself.

“Not really,” he replies quietly, clearing his throat and letting the dry part of the towel soak up the rest of the milk, not being able to help but look up when he hears Dooyoung laugh.

“He lived next door since we were kids! He was only a year older than you,” Seungsoo comments, but he doesn’t really pay him much attention. He’s too distracted by how Dooyoung who is actually paying attention to the television and laughing every time Jongin does something dorky.

“He asked about you at Jaekyung’s wedding, now that I remember,” Seungsoo speaks up, making him nearly fall on his face as he tries to scrub at the carpet.

“What?” he questions seriously, gaping at the elder who just shrugs and continues eating breakfast like nothing is out of the ordinary.

For Seungsoo nothing _is_ out of the ordinary, he’s just eating his breakfast and watching one of his childhood friends on television like its nothing. For Kyungsoo, its torture, seeing Jongin get along with a kid so easily. He wants to cry, knowing he’s never going to have that for Dooyoung, all because stupid Kim Jongin apparently didn’t forget about him, he just never bothered to call.

“He asked if you were in college or something, just small talk,” Seungsoo replies with a shrug. “I was kind of surprised he even remembered you, since you two weren’t really close.”

“Of course not. He always ignored me,” he states plainly, shaking his head and getting up before he finds something to throw at the television. “Sorry about the carpet,” he apologizes, knowing it’s new and he’s the one to get it dirty first, not the toddler.

“No use crying over spilled milk,” Seungsoo replies with a snort.

“Right,” he mutters, letting out a tired sigh as he gets up and goes to put the wet towel in the laundry room and hopefully hide out until the episode is over and hope he never has to look at Kim Jongin’s stupid face again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy early thanksgiving 🦃


	6. 2016 part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day after day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst? ANGST? yeah, angst.

Jongin boredly walks through the halls of the company office, trying to waste time before he’s supposed to be filming a dance practice video in the main practice studio. Currently some rookies are in there, filming god knows what. So he has plenty of time to spare since they’re still new and will probably have about a handful of outtakes from all their mistakes.

He goes towards the mini lounge on the floor and pauses when he hears talking coming from it, not really in the mood to awkwardly socialize with other coworkers. He’s always polite to everyone, but he’s been in complete comeback mode and just wants some rest. He doesn’t feel like making boring small talk and having to be polite and smile. He opts to find a smaller practice room instead, making it down the hall before he hears his name.

He sighs a little as he turns around, waving at Sehun who rushes up towards him, wearing clothes similar to his own. He smiles a little when the younger male offers him some gummy worms, grabbing a couple and biting into one as he goes about finding a room again.

“What are you doing here during the week? Don’t you have a showcase tomorrow?” Sehun questions, following him into one of their larger practice rooms where he immediately moves to sit.

“Filming a dance practice before rehearsal,” he yawns out, eating some more of the gummy worms. He hopes his manager brings him an iced coffee, feeling tired from all the practicing he’s been doing. He needs an injection of caffeine at this point, or some proper sleep but that’s usually never possible for him.

“We have our last fan sign tomorrow,” Sehun mumbles around a mouthful of candy, making him nod along to let him know he’s listening as he takes out his phone. “I think Chanyeol hyung wants to go to your showcase, he really is weirdly obsessed with you.”

Jongin snorts a little, knowing the elder has jokingly said he’s his biggest fan before. Jongin actually isn’t sure if its all jokes, but he’s used to other idols practically losing their shit the second he looks in their direction. At first it was a little awkward, then it just became normal to him. Now, honestly, it’s just burdensome.

“I still owe you that meal,” he speaks up, tiredly looking down at his phone when it vibrates and replies to his mom’s message about if he’s sleeping and eating well. He of course lies and says he is, not wanting to worry her.

“Maybe when your promotions are over and before all the other award shows,” Sehun comments quietly, chewing on his gummy worms before shrugging.

“Don’t remind me,” he sighs out tiredly, because once his comeback promotions are over, he already has to start prepping for end of year award shows and Christmas and New Years specials. The company is also having a holiday album and concert he has rehearsals for and new choreography to memorize. There’s still several months left in the year, but for him it will go by in a flash.

“I don’t even know if I get to see my mom and dad for the holidays,” he says tiredly, not knowing why he feels so exhausted lately. Not even just physically, but he doesn’t think he’s had time to just rest and not worry about something. He feels like a robot on autopilot lately, just nodding and going along with whatever is thrown at him.

“It must be hard,” Sehun replies seriously and Jongin nods his head, knowing he should be grateful but sometimes he _hates_ it.

He hates not being able to just go home and sit with his mom without worrying about having to leave so he can make it to his next schedule. He wishes he could just call in sick or ask for a vacation without having to go through so many jumps and hoops.

He has too much money and too many things and so many people that watch his every move its _suffocating_. Not that he doesn’t love his job. He loves dancing and singing and performing, but sometimes he doesn’t know if he’s really happy or if he’s just busy.

“I think I would be happier if my dad never promised me a Nintendo if I auditioned,” he confesses suddenly, knowing if he never auditioned, he could have gone to college and actually come home for real.

He could have studied whatever he wanted, have friends he could actually hang out with whenever he wanted. He wouldn’t have to worry about making his mom worry about being overworked to the point he ends up with an IV in his arm before he’s shipped off to his next schedule.

He could date. Have a boyfriend, _the_ boyfriend. Probably have a family by now.

“Don’t tell anyone, okay?” he says worriedly, knowing the last thing he needs anyone to know is that he may regret every decision he’s made since he managed to pass that audition.

“I won’t. You can talk to me you know, if you need to,” Sehun reassures him and Jongin smiles a bit, nodding his head.

“I should go make sure they aren’t waiting on me now,” he comments, clearing his throat and taking a deep breath.

He’s still Kai and that means smiling through it and doing his job.

\--

Kyungsoo tiredly walks through the store with his shopping cart, trying to think of what supplies he needs for Dooyoung’s birthday. He actually has enough money to get him a real gift and buy him a cake he doesn’t have to make himself, but he still wants to make him his birthday soup. It’s the first year he won’t have his grandpa at his side, telling him how to do it properly and his heart hurts a little as he gathers everything he’ll need.

Sometimes he forgets that the elder is gone until important moments like these pop up. When Dooyoung started reading he wanted to turn and show his grandpa, but he wasn’t there. Getting his first paycheck and wanting someone to tell him they were proud, but it was just Seungsoo telling him he can open up his own account at the bank. Celebrating Chuseok was a lot harder than he thought it would be and he knows Christmas will be the same.

When he’s done at the store, he makes his way back to the apartment, taking the bus and carefully holding onto his bags. He doesn’t care for the transportation in the city, always feeling claustrophobic with so many people around. He’s used to the country, where he could just walk around without bumping into someone and being able to carry his bags without worrying.

He lets out a relieved sigh when he makes it back to Seungsoo’s apartment, walking in and seeing Dooyoung enjoying popcorn and a movie with his uncle. When the freshly turned five-year-old spots him, he smiles, getting up and rushing to give him a hug.

“I missed you daddy,” Dooyoung mumbles, clinging to his legs as he takes everything to the kitchen.

“I was only gone for a little bit,” he laughs out, setting everything down on the counter and then bending down to give his little boy a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

He looks him over and settles his hair, smiling and feeling a little melancholy thinking about when he was born. He didn’t get to hold him right away and he definitely didn’t get to hold him as much as he wanted when he finally could. He was so scared about how tiny Dooyoung was, scared about having him in the first place, terrified about raising him alone. It feels like it was forever ago.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah?” he questions, looking him over and feeling his chest hurt at how his eyes are starting to look more like Jongin’s. How the older he gets, the more he reminds him of the elder.

“Why don’t I have a mommy?” Dooyoung questions quietly, making him frown a little bit.

“Because I carried you,” he replies easily, not understanding where the question is coming from.

“Then why don’t I have another daddy?” Dooyoung questions further, making him anxious, his smile faltering.

He always knew Dooyoung would eventually ask, but he didn’t think it would be so _soon_. He thought Dooyoung would be older, that _he_ would be older and have come up with a good enough excuse to give him. He can’t tell him the truth, because he can’t tell _anyone_ the truth. Not a single person knows that Dooyoung is Jongin’s and that’s how it has to stay.

Maybe when Dooyoung is older, he can tell him about Jongin, and maybe he’ll understand, he won’t hate him from keeping it from him. Right now, though, he can’t tell his five-year-old that his other daddy just never cared about him that much. Jongin never loved him, despite how much he wished he did. Jongin doesn’t even know that Dooyoung exists and won’t ever know.

“Your other daddy, he moved away,” is what he settles with, knowing that Dooyoung is just getting older and realizing how things work and he’s just curious. He doesn’t mean any harm by it, no matter how much it ends up hurting him to even try and explain it.

Dooyoung deserves the world, but he can’t give it to him.

“Why?” Dooyoung questions, starting to pout and look confused, which just hurts him even more.

“I don’t know,” he replies quietly, swallowing thickly and giving Dooyoung a kiss on the cheek before he gets up.

“Is he going to come back?” Dooyoung pesters, tugging on his coat and he tries his hardest not to start crying, or to get mad at him for asking.

He takes a deep breath before bending back down, smiling sadly and shaking his head.

“I don’t think so,” he says sadly, watching as Dooyoung frowns and crosses his arms over his chest, starting to look upset. “I’m sorry baby,” he apologizes, giving Dooyoung a tight hug and sniffling as he stands back up.

“Why don’t you go finish the movie with Uncle?” he questions, getting a tiny nod from Dooyoung who sighs a little before turning around.

Kyungsoo stands up and freezes when he sees Seungsoo just standing in near the entry way to the kitchen, eyeing him worriedly despite Dooyoung trying to tug him back to the living room.

“I’m okay,” he reassures his brother, giving him a tiny smile and only getting a worried look from the elder.

“Are you sure?” Seungsoo asks so he nods his head, forcing a better smile on his face and hoping it looks believable. 

The elder nods his head and lets Dooyoung drag him back to the living room, leaving him to tiredly turn around and go back to what he was doing. He feels tired and just wants to go lie down and cry but instead he starts making the soup. He doesn’t want to be sad on his son’s birthday. His grandpa wouldn’t have let him be sad, so he takes a deep breath and does what he knows he needs to do.

\--

Jongin smiles down at the little bundle in his arms, completely smitten with Rahee who is tightly holding onto his index finger in her sleep. She’s so _tiny_ and _cute_ and he’s so in love with his niece he didn’t even think it was possible to smile so much. He doesn’t know if he’s even smiled this much at all this year.

It’s a rare day where he has absolutely no schedules and no commitments and he can actually visit his family for once. Days like this are rare and he enjoys them as much as he can, spending every waking second making the most of his time.

“You’re a natural,” his brother in law comments, making him laugh a little but not loud enough to wake Rahee up since he just managed to get her back asleep after she ate. He isn’t even bothered that his expensive shirt is now stained with white from her spitting up. “Seriously, I’m still surprised at how well those kids on television behaved with you.”

Jongin flushes a little at the praise, shrugging a bit as he looks up. “I’m just as surprised as you are,” he admits quietly, slowly moving to put Rahee down in her bassinet so he can go wash his hands before lunch is ready.

He’s missed his moms cooking so much, often relying on take out and quick snacks in between schedules. He barely even has time to sleep at his apartment, let alone cook himself a real meal. Not like he even knows how to make anything other than ramyun.

“Makes you want your own, huh?” his brother in law questions him as he lingers near the bassinet, finding it really hard to move away.

Jongin bites his lip as he hesitantly nods his head, getting baby fever _bad _as soon as he got to hold her for the first time. Every time he looks at Rahee he can’t help but think about having his own kids, but it’s not that simple for him.

With his career he can’t just _decide_ he wants to settle down and have a family. He has schedules, a contract, fans who count on him and expect him to be nearly perfect and completely and utterly single. If he dates, he knows he can hide it. That if it did come out it’s not the end of the world, but it would be a mess that he doesn’t want to deal with, that isn’t _worth_ it.

Dating is one thing but finding someone he actually loves and wants to start a family with, seems nearly impossible at this rate. It’s been nearly six years and he still can’t get over someone who was never even his in the first place. He looks at other people that are interested and doesn’t feel a thing. It was probably only a one-time thing he shouldn’t have managed to ruin in the first place.

“I don’t think I will though,” he admits out loud, because he knows that his contract ends next year and he’s going to renew it, which means another five years of being Kai.

Even if he’s at his peak and it all just declines from there, there’s not enough of a reason to just quit. He loves his job and he loves his fans and he can’t even think of what he would do if it was just suddenly _over_. He’s been doing this since he was still a teenager, will keep doing it until he just physically can’t.

He’s not going to find someone worth giving it all up for and he’s fine with that. If he can’t be with the person he wants to be with, then he just won’t be with anyone at all. He just can’t really explain that to anyone.

“Half of country would line up in a heart beat for you, don’t worry. You’ll find someone to settle down with. Life’s not a race,” his brother in law reassures him and so he just smiles and nods his head, because it really doesn’t matter to him.

“I know, just seems like a pipe dream right now,” he replies with a shrug, looking down at Rahee one last time before he goes towards the kitchen to see if the food is ready yet.

“You won’t always have to be Kai. One day when you’re ready, you can just be Jongin again.”

“I hope so,” he replies quietly, not wanting to think about it anymore. “If not, you can just keep popping them out for me to spoil,” he laughs out, getting a little glare from Jaekyung who doesn’t find it funny.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,” she scolds lightly, making him laugh.

\--

Kyungsoo nervously sits at the small coffee shop, a cup of hot chocolate sitting on the table as he waits for Sooyoung. Dooyoung is sitting in his lap, sipping on some sort of drink with way too much sugar, but so far, he’s behaving, watching a video on the new iPhone Seungsoo forced him to get because his old flip phone broke.

Sooyoung is supposed to meeting him to help him pick out his Secret Santa gift for Yerim and he’s kind of nervous. The staff apparently always have a small Christmas party for those that have to work Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and since he volunteered to take a shift late Christmas Eve he was included.

He picked Yerim’s name and while he talks to her during his breaks sometimes, he has no idea what exactly she would want. They aren’t supposed to spend a bunch of money, but he still doesn’t have a clue as to what he could get her. He still mostly keeps to himself and barely contributes anything to the small group chat Sooyoung added him into.

“Oppa!” Sooyoung shouts, making him twitch a little and look up to see her smiling and waving as she makes her way towards him.

He smiles a little hesitantly, knowing Dooyoung isn’t someone used to meeting strangers, but he’s started to get a bit less shy about it now that he’s been in the city for majority of the year. He still whines and turns to hug onto him though, hiding his face in his sweater, though. He needs a lot of time to warm up to people still.

He was nervous telling Sooyoung about Dooyoung, scared she would give him a judging look, but she had only looked excited. She wants to be a teacher and is going to school for it right now, making him a lot less hesitant about bringing him along since Seungsoo was supposed to be visiting their parents.

“Is this Dooyoung?” she questions curiously, sitting across from them and setting her drink down.

“Dooyoung, say hi to Sooyoung noona,” he pesters, getting Dooyoung to turn around and rubbing his arm soothingly.

“Hello,” Dooyoung says quietly, still remembering his manners and giving her a little bow before he turns and tries to hide his face again.

“He’s so cute,” she gushes, making him flush a little and fight down a smile, knowing Dooyoung also has people cooing over him. “Do you want a cake ball Dooyoungie?” she questions curiously, which makes Dooyoung slowly turn around and look up at him before he quickly nods his head.

“I’ll be right back,” she laughs out, making him look down at Dooyoung who is suddenly not shy and starts clapping his hands.

He smiles and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek before reaching for his hot chocolate, waiting patiently for Sooyoung who comes back with a Christmas themed cake pop she hands to Dooyoung who excitedly takes it from her.

“Th-thank you,” he stutters out, immediately taking a bite out of it.

“There’s a store nearby that has a lot of nice stationary. Yerim is into writing a lot these days,” Sooyoung shares with him so he nods his head, so she knows he’s listening while he tries to help Dooyoung keep his hands sticky free.

“Seungsoo needs a new scarf,” he shares, having just asked Seungsoo what he wanted for Christmas and made a mental note of the few things he told him. Sooyoung will probably pick out something nicer than he could when it comes to clothes.

“I think there’s a clothing store nearby with a sale,” she says out loud, looking up as she thinks. “There’s also a toy shop nearby if Dooyoung has been good this year?” she questions, making Dooyoung immediately nod his head.

“I have!” he shouts at her, making him wince a little and Sooyoung start laughing.

“He actually has,” he sighs out, shaking his head at Dooyoung who is starting to sip on his drink. “I guess we could go in for a little bit.”

He gets up and holds onto Dooyoung’s hand as they leave the coffee shop and start walking through the strip mall. He does end up buying Yerim a nice enough stationary set with turtles on it, even a couple of extra pens since they had a sale. Sooyoung finds Seungsoo a nice enough scarf and then finds a couple of things for herself. Kyungsoo manages to get roped into buying himself a red sweater, getting Dooyoung a matching one as well.

He lets Dooyoung have fun in the toy store, Sooyoung playing with him and he smiles watching the two of them. Dooyoung doesn’t get along easily with just about everyone, so he’s glad that he feels comfortable around Sooyoung. She buys him a new puzzle despite him telling her over and over he could pay for it.

They pass a music store and he gets convinced into getting dragged in, Sooyoung claiming she needs a new album and he still hasn’t managed to buy that album he said he would. He holds onto Dooyoung’s hand as he goes and browses while Sooyoung goes towards a section set up for a new album.

He finds the album he’s looking for and tilts his head curiously as he looks them over. He recognizes Sehun on the cover, despite the neon pink plastic distorting the picture a little bit. He shrugs as he grabs it, looking at the price and wincing a little. Dooyoung lets go of his hand and starts looking at something else while he contemplates why there’s a pink plastic on the album and if there’s a difference between the colors.

“Daddy, Uncle Seungsoo likes this one!” Dooyoung pesters him, shoving an album at him and he nearly drops the one he has in his hands.

He blinks stupidly as Dooyoung hands him what is apparently _Kai’s_ new album. The elder is on the cover and Kyungsoo finds himself glaring at it, snatching it out of Dooyoung’s hand and going to shove it back where it belongs.

“We already got Uncle a present,” he excuses, getting a pout from Dooyoung who nods his head but deflates a little. “How about we go find Sooyoung noona?” he questions, getting an eager nod from Dooyoung who moves to grab his hand.

He walks towards the front of the store with Dooyoung and finds Sooyoung near the same set up, at least six of the same albums in her hands. He walks up to her and feels his eye start to twitch as he sees Kim Jongin’s face yet again, wanting to just kick something at this point.

“Do you want a copy of the Winter Album? I’m missing a Sehunnie photocard,” Sooyoung shares with him, but he’s too distracted looking at the picture.

It seems like an album with several artists within the company, but Jongin is front and center, overshadowing everyone else if he’s being honest. He can spot Sehun nearby but really, there’s no point in putting anyone near Jongin. He really hates how the elder is just everywhere he turns his in the city, not knowing how many times he’s skipped over a shop because there’s a damn Kai standee to greet you.

“Oppa?” Sooyoung pesters, snapping him out of it and making him finally look away.

“Sure,” he replies quickly, clearing his throat and watching as Dooyoung stands on his tip toes to grab one.

“Uncle Seungsoo knows this one,” Dooyoung informs Sooyoung, pointing out Jongin and wishing the five-year-old would go back to hiding behind his leg.

When he gets a confused look from Sooyoung he refrains from pulling his hair out, letting out a tired sigh. He shrugs a little and tries not to make it into a thing, a little annoyed that Dooyoung is suddenly so talkative.

“He used to live next door to us when we were kids, but we weren’t close,” he explains calmly, hoping she doesn’t push it. Luckily, she isn’t _his_ fan, so she just scrunches up her nose and shakes her head.

“Dooyoung, you have to like Sehun,” she informs the five-year-old, making him laugh a little when she starts to seriously explain which one is Sehun and why he’s better.

Kyungsoo wishes he could agree.

\--

Jongin flinches a little when he hears a loud popping noise, turning to glare at Taemin and Sehun who are cackling at him getting scared. He shakes his head, looking over at the person that has opened yet another bottle of champagne and wincing a little as it starts spilling and making a mess. He’s probably the most sober one at the party, which is saying something.

Honestly, they were supposed to be getting _him_ drunk and while he’s getting there, he’s not nearly as gone as Sehun who is being disgustingly clingy to Byun Baekhyun who is eating it up. Taemin is filming some other label mates making fools of themselves and Jongin seriously wonders if the company is regretting throwing them a party after an award show.

Jongin has several new trophies that he has no idea where to put, feeling completely overwhelmed still. He’s used to winning and used to giving speeches, but this year feels different getting handed the grand prize at every single award ceremony he’s attended. It’s like he’s finally reached the goal he set up for himself when he first got told he was going to debut and now he doesn’t really know how to move forward.

Every artist that debuts wants the Artist of the Year Award. Getting one is like winning the lottery and Jongin has _three_ of them and at least two more shows to attend before the year ends. There’s already articles about how he’s likely to swipe those up too, something no one has ever achieved before.

So, he’s supposed to be getting drunk and celebrating but he’s really just drinking to keep himself busy. He just doesn’t want to be the sober one to have to deal with the rest of them.

He winces when Taemin puts too much weight on him as he leans on his shoulder, shoving him off and shaking his head as someone catches him. He wishes he was at least having fun, but he’s really just annoyed with all the noise.

He looks at his phone and clears his flood of notifications, deciding he’ll reply to all the messages tomorrow morning. It’s already past midnight and he’s tired, stumbling to get up and attempt to find his manager so he can just go home. It’s already been a couple of hours and everyone is drunk enough they won’t notice him leaving.

When he finally spots his manager, he feels himself get even more annoyed, finding him completely wasted along with some other staff members, making him take his phone out and immediately leave the karaoke room to attempt to call a cab. He drags himself towards the exit and waits on the sidewalk area, glad that he’s at least out of his suit and free of makeup so he hopefully looks normal enough.

He shivers a little at how cold it is, his light hoodie doing nothing to keep him warm while it starts to snow. Luckily, he doesn’t have to wait that long for the cab, getting in and immediately telling him where he wants to go. He tiredly checks his phone, not even having the energy to smile at any of the texts he has.

There’s probably something just wrong with him at this point when he doesn’t even feel happy about finally earning such a big award. In the moment he was just overwhelmed, giving his speech in a daze and somehow managing to work on auto pilot the rest of the time he was in front of a camera.

It’s not like he isn’t grateful, because he is. He knows how lucky he is and knows how important it is to receive such a thing, but there’s not an excited tingle in his stomach. There’s no excitement to the point he feels fidgety like when he was younger. He doesn’t feel _happy_ and that _scares_ him, wondering if this is just how it’s going to be for the rest of his career.

He tiredly puts in his passcode to his dorm and toes off his shoes as he makes his way inside. He turns on the light in his room and takes off his hoodie before finding a pair of pajamas to wear to bed. He wants to just sleep but despite being so tired, he knows it’ll be hard to fall asleep.

He rubs at his eyes and looks around his room, ignoring his laptop and moves to put his phone on the charger before going towards his bookshelf, wondering if he should read something. He eyes all the books he has before settling on his albums. He frowns a little as he reaches for his debut album, pulling it out of the shelf and moving to go sit on his bed.

He shakes his head as he messes with the frayed edge, opening it up and flipping through the pictures. It was only four years ago, and he remembers every single detail about that photoshoot. He was nervous and kept having to apologize for messing up or not knowing what they meant when they wanted him to pose a certain way. He was excited though, completely ready to debut despite how terrifying it was doing it all alone.

He doesn’t know when it stopped being excited. When he stopped looking at it as fun and just as work. There was a point where everything changed but he can’t pin point it. One day he just woke up and didn’t want to go to his schedule, wishing he didn’t have to always be so busy. It never went away, he thinks.

He flips through the rest of the pictures and just finds himself getting frustrated at himself, throwing the album at the wall before moving to lie down in bed with a huff.

“Idiot,” he mutters to himself before pulling the covers over himself to finally just sleep, hoping he wakes up and suddenly gets that feeling back, otherwise he doesn’t know how he can keep being Kai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy friday! Lol thank me deciding to take the day off and being too broke to shop on black friday for another update this week asdfghghgfd


	7. 2016 part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a holly jolly new years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last part of 2016! and i think maybe one of the longer updates so far so enjoy!!

Kyungsoo feels stuffy in his fleece jacket, unzipping it halfway to try and cool himself down as they wait in line. Dooyoung holds onto his leg tightly, making it hard to try and move when the line starts to shrink. Kyungsoo tries to pry him off but the boy’s grip is too strong, so he gives up, letting out a tiny sigh. All the other kids in line are excited as can be to meet Santa and tell him what they want for Christmas. Dooyoung however hasn’t stopped holding onto his leg since they got to the mall.

Kyungsoo promised he would take the boy once he had a day off, but he doesn’t think Dooyoung anticipated it being so _loud_ and there being so many people. Dooyoung _hates_ crowds, and honestly Kyungsoo does too, but he’s never gotten to take him before. Now that he has a bit of spending money, he can actually afford to pay for the pictures.

“C’mon, it’s almost your turn,” he pesters Dooyoung, getting a whine as he finally manages to get the five-year-old off his leg and hold onto his hand instead.

“But _daddy_,” Dooyoung whispers, eyeing Santa wearily and whining when its finally his turn and they walk up onto the small stage.

He tries to coax Dooyoung into the Santa’s lap but ends up having to pick him up and sit him down. Dooyoung clings to his arm even then, making him give Santa an apologetic look.

“Dooyoung is shy,” he explains, rubbing Dooyoung’s arm and trying to step away but getting a heart broken look for it.

He lets out a deep breath and stays with him, listening to Santa try and get Dooyoung to talk. The elder isn’t too loud or too pushy so Dooyoung eventually starts to warm up, sitting up on his own and nodding his head when Santa asks if he was good this year. He steps back when Dooyoung finally gets distracted enough, hoping the photographer gets a good enough picture.

He watches him with a smile when Dooyoung starts to giggle and actually talking. It’s the first time he’s actually been able to _really_ celebrate Christmas like he was able to when he was a kid. His grandpa never had that much money to buy a tree and tons of gifts, not that he minded.

Growing up with his parents though, they _always_ had the prettiest tree with tons of gifts underneath it. Their house always looked like a winter wonderland in the holidays. Their tree was always the biggest he’d ever seen and decorated so meticulously. Every Christmas morning, they woke up to tons of presents.

His parents don’t get him anything anymore though, he hasn’t seen them since the funeral and hasn’t heard anything about them coming over for the holidays. Sometimes they send presents for Dooyoung but its never anything the boy is actually interested in. He’s glad this year he can give Dooyoung a good Christmas since he’s starting to get older and actually understand what’s going on.

He smiles when Dooyoung finally gets off Santa’s lap, waving at the elder before rushing over towards him and hugging onto his legs. He thanks the elder before going over towards the elves where he can pick up the picture. He smiles looking it over, knowing he’s going to have to make a copy that he can keep on his phone.

“What did you ask Santa to bring you?” he questions as he walks towards the escalators so they can go home before it starts getting even more crowded.

“More puzzles!” Dooyoung rushes out, holding up his arms so he can pick him up and since he knows the five-year-old is scared of the escalators he does.

“You were so good this year, I think he’ll bring you a lot,” he shares, getting a bashful smile from Dooyoung before he hides his face.

They exit out of the main mall area and he walks them towards the bus stop, setting Dooyoung down as they wait. He makes sure that Dooyoung’s jacket is zipped all the way up while they wait, watching as the boy starts fidgeting before trying to catch some snow on his tongue.

Kyungsoo shivers a little, fixing his own jacket and then tugging Dooyoung closer to him as he sits down. He wishes Seungsoo wasn’t working today so he could have taken them, and they wouldn’t have to wait for the bus. He could learn to drive and get his license, but he couldn’t afford a car, especially not when Dooyoung will be starting school next year.

“Daddy, can we get hot chocolate?” Dooyoung pesters, pointing over towards the coffee shop across the street.

Kyungsoo purses his lips a little, looking at his phone for the time and looking up the bus schedule to see how much time they have before their bus gets there. They have enough time to spare, so he nods his head, getting a beaming smile from Dooyoung as they carefully cross the street and enter the coffee shop.

It’s so warm inside that he thinks this was a good idea, not wanting Dooyoung to catch a cold so close to the holidays. He gets in line and waits patiently, glad that the shop is pretty empty right now. Most people are probably at the mall instead so there’s only a couple in front of them they have to wait on.

He’s looking over the menu when Dooyoung giggles, making him look down to see that he’s playing with a dog that came out of nowhere, confusing him into looking up at the person in line behind them. He frowns a little, about to apologize as he turns around before he squints, feeling like the unluckiest person on the planet when he recognizes the taller male.

Sehun gives him a wave before holding his hand up to his face mask for him not to say anything and Kyungsoo just dumbly nods his head, feeling his cheeks flush as Dooyoung continues playing with the white ball of fluff.

“Um, just a small hot chocolate,” he tells the barista when its their turn, getting distracted by Dooyoung who is now getting his face licked by the dog.

He moves out of line and drags Dooyoung with him, getting a whine from both his son and the dog. He twitches when he starts hearing a bunch of girls giggling, realizing that the idol apparently has been spotted and is now being followed by fangirls. He gently tugs Dooyoung away, not wanting to get noticed but the universe hates him and Sehun apparently doesn’t care that his fans are watching.

“What’s your favorite song off the album?” Sehun questions him, which is a bold question in itself to assume he bought the album _and_ listened to it.

He’s right though, because he did end up listening to it while he was cleaning. Seungsoo helped him figure out how to actually download it online instead of having to go find a CD player. He still doesn’t understand why it was wrapped in pink plastic though but is too scared to ask now.

“Closer to you,” he replies carefully, eyeing the girls who are near the door and watching. He tugs Dooyoung closer to him when one looks like she may be taking a picture.

“We’re going to be late Sehun,” someone speaks up, making him downright twitch when he sees a smaller male walk up to them, pointing at his watch impatiently.

“It was nice seeing you again,” Sehun comments, making him awkwardly smile and nod his head, tugging Dooyoung away from the dog despite the protesting noise he makes.

Sehun actually gives Dooyoung a high five before he leaves, waving at them and Kyungsoo really regrets getting the five-year-old his hot chocolate for a minute when one of the girls gives him a confused look before following after her friends.

\--

Jongin grunts when someone runs into him, turning to give the other person a glare but quickly realizing Sehun looks just downright confused to see him. He snaps out of it enough to realize that the music has changed and he’s in the wrong position, quickly moving across the stage and shaking his head as he tries to remember what the choreography is for the last verse of the song.

He tiredly gives up when he realizes the song is almost over anyways, standing in his spot before moving to sit down and rub his temples. He isn’t even sick so he can’t blame his lack of concentration on anything other than himself not wanting to be there. He almost wishes he had an ear infection so he could skip out on the concert, but it’s already next week and there’s no way he’s getting out of it at this point.

“You okay?” Sehun questions, moving to sit next to him and offering a sip from his iced coffee.

Jongin graciously takes it and takes a long sip, hoping caffeine will be enough to snap him out of it. Rehearsals are important so he doesn’t make mistakes during the actual concert. It’s not just his where he can play it off, there are other people and it will look obvious if he isn’t giving the same energy they are. He can already hear the nasty online comments if he looks like he’s half-assing it.

“Tired,” he replies with a shrug, handing the younger male back his drink. “I didn’t sleep well last night,” he adds on as an excuse.

He hasn’t been getting much sleep these days, which should worry him, but he stopped caring about the second night he was restless. They don’t have to go to a couple of music show specials this year since they have the holiday concert with the company the last days of the year instead. He gets two weeks off at the beginning of the year and that’s the only thing keeping him going at this point. He can handle a week and some days faking it before he can finally rest.

“At least we get to stay at a nice hotel in between the concert dates,” Sehun informs him, making him lightheartedly shrug, not really caring. “It’s really nice. The beds are _super_ soft.”

“A bed is a bed at this point,” he mumbles, having been at tons of hotels in his career. No matter how nice they are, it’s only a place to sleep for a couple of nights before moving on. He doubt’s it’ll be anything he’s never seen, especially if it’s in Seoul.

“Have you talked to anyone?” Sehun suddenly questions, making him frown and give him a confused look.

Sehun fidgets with his straw a little, biting his lip nervously. “It’s just, you don’t seem happy much these days,” he explains quietly, making him frown.

“I’m _fine_,” he replies sternly, shaking his head as he gets up. The last thing he needs is people treating him like a child all over again. He doesn’t need people worrying about him, he just needs to be left alone at this point. “I’m just tired,” he tries to excuse, messing with his hair and trying not to glare. 

“I was just _worried_,” Sehun mumbles, pouting and making him feel bad. Sehun really does just care about him, one of the few friends he has that is actually willing to ask if he’s okay and be genuine about it.

He sighs as he moves to sit back down, leaning tiredly on the other male and shrugging a little. He could talk to someone about it, but he doesn’t think it would solve anything. Even if he got less chaotic schedules, it wouldn’t suddenly make him _happy_. He needs a long break but going on hiatus when you’re at the top is risky and Jongin doesn’t want to chance it right now.

“I get two weeks off after the concert. I just need a small break,” he replies, reaching over to steal more of the drink. “This is good,” he adds on, surprised since he generally hates coffee, iced or not.

“Oh! That reminds me! I ran into the cleaning boy today!” Sehun suddenly says, making him frown in confusion before he realizes what he’s talking about.

“So now you two go on coffee dates?” he jokes, laughing when Sehun starts turning red.

“He was with a kid!” Sehun whines pathetically, making him snort out another laugh. “Vivi actually liked him, which is saying something because he hates kids. They’re always too grabby but Vivi was okay with it.”

“Sounds like a match made in heaven, just don’t tell your _boyfriend_,” he jokes, getting an annoyed look from Sehun who shoves him lightly.

“You’re so _annoying_,” Sehun huffs out, stomping over towards Chanyeol who has just ended his solo stage practice.

Jongin slowly gets up and starts to stretch, hoping the few sips of caffeine help him not mess up another rehearsal stage and give him enough energy to last the rest of rehearsals.

\--

Kyungsoo checks his phone for the time, wincing a little seeing that he’s a couple of minutes late already and he’s still several minutes away. He wasn’t expecting to get a phone call in the middle of his day off from a _lawyer_ of all things, confused since he thought his parents are the ones that took care of all his grandpa’s arrangements after the funeral. He doesn’t even know how they managed to get his number, almost ignoring the call when he didn’t recognize who was calling.

He catches his breath after he runs the rest of the way, opening the door to the office and looking around as he tugs his scarf loose. He clears his throat before walking over towards the receptionist, waiting patiently as she finishes her phone call.

“I had an appointment with a Mr. Kwon? I’m a little bit late,” he adds on carefully, getting a bright smile from the girl as she says she’ll go let him know he’s arrived.

Kyungsoo moves to sit down on the large brown couch and tries to calm his breathing a bit, coughing from the cold air. He takes off his gloves and puts them in his pocket, looking around curiously. He really doesn’t understand why he has to be there, especially since its been several months since the elder passed. He thought everything was over and done with by now.

“Mr. Do?” he hears someone speak up, so he looks over and stands up, going to greet the elder man who looks about as old as his grandpa was.

He shakes his hand and then follows him towards his office, feeling a little nervous about what he’s doing there. The man wouldn’t tell him over the phone, so he doesn’t have a clue. He sits down in the chair and declines a glass of water, keeping his hands in his lap and waiting patiently.

“We apologize for the tardiness on this. It was really an odd situation,” Mr. Kwon informs him, so he slowly nods, not really understanding what he’s talking about. “Some of your family was under the impression your grandfather didn’t leave behind a will, but that wasn’t the case.”

“Okay,” he says slowly, biting his lip and curiously watching as the man takes out a manila envelope from his desk and gives him a smile.

“Luckily, we were made aware before things got out of hand. So luckily there won’t be a lot of hassle for those involved, which is just you now.”

“I don’t really understand,” he confesses, frowning a little bit and wondering why his parents aren’t here, or his aunts and uncles.

“Your grandfather came in a couple of years ago and completely revised his will. I’m not sure if you knew, but he left everything to you,” Mr. Kwon informs him, making him frown. “Well, to you and your son, Dooyoung?”

“What?” he questions stupidly, blinking back tears because he’s suddenly very overwhelmed when Mr. Kwon takes out a stack of papers and shows them to him and he sees his grandpa’s signature at the very bottom.

“Your grandfather had a lot of money put up in different places, mostly stocks and bonds but also several savings accounts. Not to mention a college fund for your son that should be _more_ than enough. There’s also the house,” he adds on, making him shake his head and hold his hand up so he stops talking.

“I’m sorry, I’m not understanding,” he rushes out in confusion, taking a deep breath because he can’t very well start crying in front of some random person. He bites his lip and looks at the papers, blinking a couple of times to clear his vision.

“Everything that your grandfather had that was _worth_ something, was left to you and your son. The will states that everything be sold or cashed in, which is what we’re in the process of doing. But once its all put into cash, well, let’s just say you can quit your job if you want,” he says lightheartedly, but Kyungsoo can only gape as he slowly looks over the papers.

“He left me the house?” he questions stupidly, shaking his head and setting the papers down again, mind reeling as he tries to process the fact that his grandfather wasn’t broke, he just had all his money put up.

“It’s all yours once you look everything over and sign. You don’t have to do anything today,” he adds on, which makes him let out a relieved sigh, not having the slightest clue how to do anything with all that money.

“I probably won’t understand half of this,” he admits sheepishly, knowing things like this are often hard to read.

“That’s what I’m here for,” Mr. Kwon comments with a smile.

It takes over an hour to go over everything with him and the elder is polite and explains things well enough. He’s overwhelmed when he leaves with his packet of papers, quietly waiting for the bus and taking a seat. He never really thought about who would get the house after his grandpa died, he simply wasn’t worried about it at the time.

He kind of always just assumed his grandpa didn’t _have_ anything other than the house to leave behind. He never acted like he had money put up, especially considering everything in the house was from the 80s, some things even older than that. He never bought anything new.

He tiredly makes his way back to the apartment, knowing Seungsoo was planning on making them dinner. He hopes Dooyoung didn’t cause any trouble, not realizing he was gone for so long as he makes his way up the stairs. He grabs his keys and unlocks the door, looking around as he toes off his shoes, pausing when he sees two other pairs that don’t belong to either of them.

He frowns as he walks into the apartment, Dooyoung spotting him and immediately rushing up to him and hiding. He looks over towards the living room and feels his shoulders stiffen when he sees his parents, Seungsoo giving him an apologetic look from his spot on the couch.

“Hi mom, dad,” he greets quietly, looking down at Dooyoung who refuses to let go of him, so he tiredly leans down and picks him up.

“They were out Christmas shopping and decided to stop by,” Seungsoo comments, clearing his throat before looking at his parents.

“But we should probably head out now,” his mom comments, making him refrain from rolling his eyes.

He smiles and waves them off, giving his dad a hug and then going back towards the living room while Seungsoo shows them out.

Kyungsoo sighs as he goes to sit down, rubbing Dooyoung’s back and feeling bad that he wasn’t here to comfort him. He still doesn’t get along well with his parents, never seeing them long enough to ever get used to them. Even though he’s already five he’s only seen them a handful of times.

“Sorry, they just showed up and I couldn’t turn them away,” Seungsoo apologizes, sitting down and letting out a tired sigh, looking exhausted.

“It’s okay,” he reassures the elder, knowing that they were bound to stop by at some point. He’s just glad they didn’t ask about where he was. He doesn’t want to tell them if he’s being honest.

“So, what did that lawyer want? You’re not getting sued, are you?” Seungsoo jokes, making him roll his eyes as he tries to make Dooyoung sit up now that his parents are gone and quickly realizing that he boy has fallen asleep on him.

“No,” he replies quietly, getting comfortable and letting Dooyoung continue to sleep on him, moving his hair out of his face and smiling. “It was about grandpa’s will,” he says carefully, hugging onto Dooyoung who wiggles a little in his sleep.

“Oh?” Seungsoo questions, looking about as confused as he still feels about the whole thing.

He lets himself smile a little bit, knowing that he doesn’t have to worry about _anything_ anymore. Dooyoung won’t ever have to worry about not getting to go to college. He could go wherever he wanted. He doesn’t have to worry about not having the money to get Dooyoung the things he needs, because he has tons of it now. He would be mad about his grandpa never telling him anything before, but the elder always took care of him when it mattered. He couldn’t have even gotten through his pregnancy if it wasn’t for him. Even now that he’s gone, he’s still managing to take care of them.

“He left it all to me,” he shares hesitantly, knowing if he had to tell his cousins they would all be mad, and his parents will probably bug him about it once they find out. “Even the house.”

“Oh,” Seungsoo replies quietly, frowning a bit and getting a weird look on his face as he sits back down on the couch, holding onto one of the throw pillows. “Are you going back home then?” he questions, making him pout a little.

“Do I have to?” he questions, not having even thought about going back yet. He doesn’t think he’s ready to be in the house knowing his grandpa isn’t there anymore.

Seungsoo has been helping him deal with the fact that the person that basically raised him is gone now. He isn’t ready to finally start raising Dooyoung on his own, all _alone_. The thought just makes him want to _cry_ and it must show on his face because Seungsoo gets up and comes over to ruffle his hair.

“Of course not. You can stay here as long as you need to,” Seungsoo replies with a little smile, making him let out a relieved sigh. “How much money did grandpa even have anyways? I swear that television is from the _80’s_,” his brother comments as he moves to grab the remote.

Kyungsoo bites his lip, unsure if he should tell him before deciding he’s probably the only person that he should tell. He can finally pay the elder back for all he’s done for them and then some.

“A couple of million,” he replies, gaping when Seungsoo trips on his way back to the couch.

\--

“Daddy! Wake up its Christmas!” someone shouts in his ear, making him downright flinch as he wakes up, tiredly opening his eyes and seeing Dooyoung jumping in the bed with excitement. “Daddy, wake up!” Dooyoung whines, pushing on his shoulder until he finally sits up.

“I’m up,” he says tiredly, smiling as he rubs his eyes and gets out of bed before Dooyoung goes and wakes up Seungsoo in the same fashion. Although the elder may already be awake when he sees it’s almost nine o’clock.

He lets Dooyoung drag him out of the room and down the hallway, walking into the kitchen where Seungsoo is already making them hot chocolate. He yawns as he goes over and gives his brother a hug, Dooyoung rushing into the living room.

“Someone is excited,” Seungsoo laughs out, making him look over at Dooyoung who is beaming while looking at all the presents under the tree.

Kyungsoo may have gone a little overboard, knowing he shouldn’t spoil him so much, but they’ve had a hard year and Dooyoung deserves _the world_. There are things he can never give him and so the least he could do is make sure he gets every single puzzle he was eyeing at the toy store. Dooyoung has adjusted so well, he deserves all the presents he could get him.

“The big gift is still in my room,” Seungsoo comments so he nods his head, going towards the living room and sitting on the couch next to the tree. Dooyoung rushes to sit in his lap, clapping his hands excitedly when Seungsoo walks into the room with two mugs.

“Can I open my presents?” Dooyoung questions, so he nods his head, laughing when Dooyoung rushes towards the tree.

He reads over each and every label before opening them, handing both him and Seungsoo their own gifts when he gets to them. He’s surprised to see that Dooyoung and Seungsoo went shopping at some point, the five-year-old excitedly telling him that the new shoes they bought him were on sale. Kyungsoo makes sure to give him extra kisses before getting up to go grab the last gift.

He pokes his head into Seungsoo’s room and goes and opens up the cage, taking the animal out and then walking back to the living room. Dooyoung is loudly telling Seungsoo about the dinosaur puzzle he got before the elder laughs and points over towards him.

Dooyoung turns and gets the most excited look on his face when he spots the bunny, letting out a loud screech before running over to him. Kyungsoo laughs a little when Dooyoung starts looking like he’s going to cry.

“Is that for _me_?!” Dooyoung questions excitedly, making grabby hands so he nods his head, getting the boy to calmly take the bunny out of his hands.

“You have to take really good care of her, promise?” he questions, knowing Dooyoung has lived around animals long enough that he’ll take his job very seriously and do a good job.

“I promise!” Dooyoung replies, cooing at the bunny in his hands before kissing the top of her head and giving him a bright smile. “Thank you, daddy! I love you lots,” Dooyoung rushes out, making him smile and lean down to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“I love you lots too,” he replies, letting Seungsoo bring out the cage and small toys he managed to get for the new addition to the family.

He goes and starts to make them breakfast, watching Dooyoung from the kitchen as he sets the bunny down and starts talking to her. He knew it was a good idea, considering Dooyoung had been eyeing the bunnies in the pet shop longingly when they were out shopping for Seungsoo’s present.

“What are you going to name her?” he questions when Dooyoung comes into the kitchen to grab a paper towel because she apparently pooped on the floor already.

Another reason he knew a bunny was a better gift was because while they can make a mess, it’s not enough to stain their carpet as quickly as a dog or cat would. She’ll mostly be in her giant cage they got her, and Dooyoung was always good about cleaning up after the chickens when he brought them in the house.

“Her name is Holly!” Dooyoung informs him seriously, holding the napkin while he looks over towards the living room. “She’s so tiny daddy, like me when I was a baby.”

“Yeah, just like you,” Kyungsoo laughs out, getting another hug from Dooyoung before he rushes to go clean up Holly’s mess.

“You had to pick out the most adorable rabbit at the shop to match the most adorable boy in the world, huh?” Seungsoo questions, showing him a couple of pictures that he’s managed to take with Dooyoung holding her.

“Send me those,” he mumbles, knowing he needs a new screen saver and now he knows how to save the pictures from the messages Seungsoo sends him.

“I don’t wanna go to work,” Seungsoo sighs out, looking over at the clock tiredly.

The only bad part about being the manager is that he can’t just take all the holidays off. Him and the other lead manager switch it up and at least one of them has to work the important holidays, which includes Christmas. Kyungsoo is lucky that he doesn’t have to work today, but he does have to work New Years Eve into New Years day, which he really isn’t looking forward to either.

But the night shifts are always really slow, and he gets a lot of time to clean the few rooms that need it plus the restrooms and hallways. The only downside is that he has to be extra quiet as to not to disturb the other guests. Especially when its way past midnight.

“At least you can sleep in tomorrow morning,” he comments with a smile, getting a nod from Seungsoo before he says he’s going to go get ready.

Kyungsoo sets up breakfast at the table before going towards the living room to tell Dooyoung it’s ready. He smiles watching him do a puzzle while the tiny bunny just sits in his lap, looking like she’s asleep.

“Go wash your hands so we can eat,” he informs the five-year-old, getting a little pout but a nod as he picks up Holly and goes to put her in her cage.

He smiles listening to him tell her he’s going to eat but will be right back, the bunny just going to burrow itself in a corner of her cage. Dooyoung looks so happy though, the happiest he’s seen him in a while and he knew a bunny was a good idea.

\--

Jongin boredly sips on his shot glass of soju, nose scrunching up at the taste but everyone else is drinking and he just rather fit in than be the one to decline. They’re in Sehun’s hotel room after the last day of their winter concerts and Jongin is exhausted but too awake at the same time. It’s New Years Eve and they have the stupid little hats and kazoos but Jongin really doesn’t feel like sticking around past midnight.

He hopes the nearby rooms are just their staff, so they don’t get the hotel management called on them for disturbing the other guests. He doesn’t know how many rooms they managed to book for them all, but he hopes they were smart enough to just get the entire floor. His own room is in the corner and he’s glad he doesn’t have to share.

When he looks at his phone and sees it’s a little past eleven, he decides to get up, not wanting to be around a bunch of people but not wanting to be in bed yet. He shrugs on his hoodie and goes to peek out the window, seeing that it’s not snowing so he may just go for a walk to try and clear his head.

“Where are you going?” Taemin questions him when he starts heading towards the door, making him force a smile on his face so he doesn’t worry any of them.

“Need some fresh air, I’ll be back,” he lies, waving him off and moving to toe on his shoes before leaving the room.

He sighs as he closes the door behind him, putting his hands in the pockets of the hoodie and luckily finding a face mask that he moves to put on. He doesn’t feel like being noticed by any fans tonight, knowing he isn’t in the mood to deal with it. He tugs his hood on and then pulls on the strings, arranging his hair to try and hide his face a bit since he doesn’t have a cap.

He pushes the down button to the elevator before waiting, walking in and going to stand in the corner after pressing all the buttons to waste some time. He gets on his phone and starts to look up nearby coffee shops, ignoring the elevator occasionally stopping and stalling as the doors open before they close up again.

He’s starting to think maybe he should just go to his room and order room service when he hears someone else get into the elevator, making him reach up and fix his face mask and avoid looking up when they make a confused noise seeing all the buttons already flashing.

He feels a little embarrassed about that decision now, hesitantly looking up so he can try and make up an excuse but immediately stops himself. He blinks a couple of times, wondering if he’s hallucinating or he’s finally lost his mind from the lack of sleep, looking at the other occupant in silence.

The elevator stops at the next floor and they look really confused, biting their lip as they focus on the digital numbers saying they’re on the fifth floor now. Jongin slowly reaches up and tugs off his face mask, reminding himself he should probably _breathe_ if he doesn’t want to pass out before he can say something as he slowly pulls his hood down too.

He clears his throat a little before the elevator starts moving again, giving him the push back into reality that he needs as he moves across the small space before stopping short when the other male starts fidgeting uncomfortably.

“Kyungsoo?” he questions hesitantly, watching as the younger male starts looking confused before he looks up at him, his eyes widening before he drops the phone that was in his hands.

Jongin starts to get nervous the longer Kyungsoo just stares, wondering if maybe he really _is_ hallucinating or worse, that Kyungsoo doesn’t remember him when the younger male finally opens his mouth.

“_Jongin_?” Kyungsoo questions quietly, making him break out into a grin, the heavy weight in his chest dissipating and he _finally _feels happy for the first time in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OWO


	8. 2017 part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fireworks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> technically the first part of this chapter is still in 2016 but majority is 2017 and i dont feel like adding it into the title so sue me 🤷

Jongin nervously wipes his palms on his jeans, clearing his throat and slowly reaching down to pick up the phone Kyungsoo dropped. The younger male hasn’t said a word and it’s starting to make him worried. He looks the phone over and is glad the screen isn’t broken, hesitantly handing it back to Kyungsoo who finally snaps out of whatever trance he was in and snatches it back.

“You work here?” he questions curiously, reaching over to fix the younger male’s name tag where it’s a little crooked before stopping himself, unsure if he should.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo finally replies when the elevator comes to another stop, the door opening and Jongin glances over before turning back to Kyungsoo, seeing he’s eyeing to door while biting his lip.

“They make you work this late?” he questions some more, not knowing what to even say at this point.

What is he supposed to say to someone he’s been pining after for nearly _six_ years? He really thought he wouldn’t see Kyungsoo again, considering his schedule is always chaotic and he didn’t even know where the younger male had settled down at. It always seemed like a pipe dream to even see Kyungsoo again. He _feels_ like he’s dreaming, and he pinches himself to make sure he isn’t before wincing a little.

He can’t stop himself from smiling though, fidgeting with his hands as looks over the younger male. He hasn’t changed a bit, other than losing some of the baby fat in his cheeks and styling his hair a little differently. He seems a little shorter than he remembers, but then again, he’s grown since he last saw him.

He opens his mouth to ask why he’s working so late when Kyungsoo bursts into tears, making him gape a little. He doesn’t think he ever saw Kyungsoo cry before, even when he told him he was moving away he just sat there and didn’t say much. Kyungsoo always smiled around him, on occasion would pout or sometimes just bite his lip when he was nervous. He never made Kyungsoo cry, and if he did, he never saw it. He hates to think he made him cry before if this is how he looks.

“I’m sorry,” he immediately starts apologizing, knowing he probably screwed up majorly for _this_ to be the reaction he’s getting the first time they see each other in so long. “I didn’t ignore you, I swear! My phone broke and I didn’t have your number memorized. I tried okay? I really did, but you were never online, and I tried looking _all the time_ but,” he stops himself from going on when Kyungsoo starts sniffling, his shoulders shaking like he’s trying his hardest not to cry and Jongin just wants to hug him.

“You what?” Kyungsoo croaks out, giving him a confused look as he wipes at his eyes, calming down some but Jongin still wants to reach out and just hold him until he’s really okay.

“When I was still overseas, my phone, it just, _broke_ and do you know what a sim card is? Well, I didn’t know you had to save your phone numbers to it,” he explains, still feeling incredibly stupid but he wasn’t the most technologically savvy teenager out there. He still kind of _isn’t_, just barely being able to type on the computer without looking at the keys.

“Your number though,” Kyungsoo says quietly, biting his lip and Jongin frowns a bit, trying to think back. He’s had so many phones and phone numbers since he was a teenager, having to change it more than he would like due to the psychos that somehow manage to get ahold of it.

“Oh! It changed, when I got a phone from Japan, it was a different number. I don’t remember why, dad never explained he just, got me a new phone and,” he trails off, looking over to the doors when the elevator stops again.

He swallows thickly when he realizes they’re on the ground floor now, looking at Kyungsoo who seems to realize the same. He can’t just let him walk out though, not when he just found him after all these years.

“Are you busy?” he questions hurriedly when Kyungsoo looks like he’s about to leave, watching as the younger male looks conflicted, biting his lip as he contemplates it.

Jongin holds his breath without realizing it, knowing Kyungsoo is probably busy since he’s still at work. He probably has to leave and Jongin doesn’t know if he can handle only a couple of minutes with him when it’s been so long. When the doors close on their own, he looks at the younger male worriedly, wondering if he’s just going to open them up and leave when he clears his throat.

“What floor were you on?” Kyungsoo questions, looking up at him with a tiny smile and Jongin’s whole chest relaxes as he finally lets out a relieved sigh, his lips quirking back up into a smile.

“The eighth,” he replies finally letting himself _breathe_ again as he watches as Kyungsoo presses the number and then waits. “You’re working New Years Eve?” he questions as they wait for the elevator to take them up to the right floor.

Kyungsoo nods his head before shrugging, patting at his cheek absentmindedly, not saying anything else. Jongin doesn’t want to pester too much but he can’t help but start overthinking now, wondering _why_ he’s working when most people are at parties, with significant others they can _kiss_ at midnight.

“You didn’t have some party to go to?” he questions further, watching as they start getting closer to his floor.

“Why aren’t you at a party?” Kyungsoo questions back, making him snort as he thinks of the so-called party he bailed on.

“We just had a concert and I don’t really like the parties I get invited to,” he replies honestly, knowing that there’s always someone or something questionable going on the few times he’s been. He rather not get involved in a scandal just by being out.

“I don’t have anywhere else to be tonight, so,” Kyungsoo finally replies with a small shrug, making him nod his head.

“Not even a boyfriend?” he tries to ask subtly, but fails, making Kyungsoo turn and give him an amused look before it’s his turn to snort.

“I’ve never had a boyfriend,” Kyungsoo replies quietly before shaking his head, turning to look back at the numbers counting down.

Jongin frowns at that response, knowing they were never _official_. There was never a proper label he could give Kyungsoo, because they weren’t exactly friends and they weren’t exactly more than that. Jongin wishes he could go back to that first day and do everything differently, but time doesn’t work like that.

He clears his throat when the elevator stops and they’re on the right floor, motioning for Kyungsoo to go first. Kyungsoo walks out and then he follows, pointing towards the right side where his room is at. When they pass Sehun’s room he winces hearing how loud they are, looking over at Kyungsoo who pauses.

“_That_ is why I bailed,” he explains awkwardly, grabbing Kyungsoo’s hand and dragging him away before one of them actually realizes he’s gone and tries looking for him. “They’re bad and loud and well, I found _you_, so that’s much better,” he explains as he reaches into his pocket for his key card.

“Um, I haven’t really had the chance to clean up,” he excuses when he opens the door and walks in and sees his dirty clothes still sitting on the floor near the bed, belatedly realizing he’s still holding Kyungsoo’s hand and slowly letting go.

He toes off his shoes and moves to go shove his dirty clothes on the floor in the corner, not wanting to embarrass himself. He honestly hasn’t even had the energy to get out of bed while he’s been at the hotel, only leaving when he has to. Sehun was right about the beds being super soft, that and he’s just been unmotivated to do anything other than eat and shower.

He turns and watches as Kyungsoo takes off his shoes and sets them down nicely by the door, fixing his for him before looking up and blushing. Jongin has to remind himself that he shouldn’t stare so much before he clears his throat, motioning over towards the couch.

“You should sit, we should sit, I mean, if you want to?” he questions, unsure of himself and how to even interact with Kyungsoo now. It’s been so long, Kyungsoo has probably changed a lot.

“It’s cold,” Kyungsoo mumbles before he sits down on the couch, bringing his legs up and Jongin frowns, going towards the air con and wincing when he realizes he hasn’t even turned the heater on, so he fixes that.

“Sorry, I usually like it cold,” he lies, because he _hates_ the cold, but he’s just been that distracted he hadn’t even bothered to check the unit. He moves to grab one of his jackets when Kyungsoo rubs his arms, offering it to him and getting a tiny smile in return. 

He moves to sit down next to Kyungsoo, making sure to keep a distance so he doesn’t make him uncomfortable, still unsure of himself. He grabs one of the pillows and holds onto it, crossing his legs and turning to face Kyungsoo who is busy looking around while he shrugs on the jacket.

“I could put on the television? It’s not past midnight, so we haven’t missed the fireworks yet,” he comments, reaching for the remote and immediately turning on the television and browsing the channels.

“You got taller,” Kyungsoo speaks up, making him laugh a little and look over at him.

“I thought you just got shorter,” he jokes, getting a little glare from Kyungsoo before he starts to smile, distracting him enough that he forgets what he’s even supposed to be doing until Kyungsoo points at the television. “Oh, right, um.”

“It’s channel eleven,” Kyungsoo informs him so he nods his head, putting in the number and letting out a relieved sigh when he sees the television hosts and the countdown clock running.

“Fifteen minutes left,” he comments more to himself, setting the remote down on the coffee table and looking back at Kyungsoo who is biting his lip as he stares at the television.

He sits in silence for a while, not sure what he should say, afraid it’ll be the wrong thing. He doesn’t want to screw this up, knowing he wasn’t the best guy towards Kyungsoo when they were younger. Kyungsoo deserved to be treated better and he just wants a chance to do that, but he’s scared its been too long for them to just pick up where they left off. Maybe Kyungsoo won’t want that and he’s just been hoping for nothing.

“I have to tell you something,” Kyungsoo speaks up, so he nods his head to let him know he’s paying attention, watching as the younger male starts to bite on his lip again.

“Okay,” he replies, reaching over and grabbing a hold his hand, giving the younger male a smile. He smiles even more when he realizes that Kyungsoo stopped biting his nails, recalling how short they were when they were younger. “You don’t bite them anymore?” he questions when Kyungsoo still hasn’t said anything, looking up at giving him a curious look.

“No, my grandpa made me stop when,” Kyungsoo starts explaining but doesn’t continue, making him frown and wait for him to finish but he doesn’t. “I don’t bite them anymore,” is all he says after all.

Jongin nods, continuing to hold his hand and just stare at him, absorbing as much as he can. He’s spent _years_ thinking of what he would say if he saw Kyungsoo again, what he would look like, how it would go. He always thought it was pointless wishing though, knowing it wasn’t likely considering he’s never in one spot for too long. He’s always being hauled to and from schedules and the time to rest is used for just that, resting in bed and not wanting to get out of the apartment unless its for his family.

Now that he’s right in front of him he can’t really get his brain to function properly. All he can do is stare and try and keep his heart under control because it’s beating way too fast for it to be normal. He feels so happy, for the first time in a long time he actually smiles without trying to force it.

“I missed you, _so_ much,” he blurts out, unable to stop himself from saying it anymore. “I always wondered what you were doing and if you hated me, for not being with you properly when we were younger. I was an _idiot_, I shouldn’t have ignored you at school, it was stupid._ I_ was stupid,” he apologizes, swallowing the lump in his throat and watching Kyungsoo’s face for a reaction.

“I never hated you,” Kyungsoo replies quietly, looking like he may start crying again. Jongin doesn’t want him to cry, feels like _he_ may cry if Kyungsoo cries again so he reaches out and pulls him into a hug, knowing he can’t stop himself from doing it anymore. “I missed you too,” Kyungsoo chokes out, so he pulls back, looking over the younger male’s face and wanting to kiss him so bad in that moment.

Before he can even ask if he can Kyungsoo leans forward and closes the distance between them, surprising him. Kyungsoo was always the one that surprised him though, the one that even initiated their first kiss and Jongin gets pulled back into that moment, unable to stop himself from holding back. He pulls Kyungsoo closer, tilting his head for a better angle before parting his lips.

Their first kiss was a little awkward, with Kyungsoo not even being able to reach properly without standing on his tip toes. Jongin had been surprised and Kyungsoo had missed, which made him laugh before he leaned down with the intent of it just being a simple peck.

But, nothing with Kyungsoo was simple. He _liked_ Kyungsoo, even if he could never find it in himself to work up the courage and just talk to him. He thought it would just be something that happened, no expectations when it came to it. He wasn’t really prepared to feel like his whole world titled. _Fireworks_. If he had to describe that simple peck, it would be blinding fireworks and he was in love, just like that.

He’s still in love with him, has been for years and being with him again only solidifies that fact. After nearly six years he still feels the same kissing Kyungsoo, like it’s the only thing he wants to do for the rest of his life.

He only pulls away when Kyungsoo does, feeling dizzy as he tries to catch his breath, mind spinning. He slowly opens his eyes and blinks a couple of times, looking at Kyungsoo who gets this look on his face that confuses him, but it gone before he can even ask. Kyungsoo looks away and over towards the television, so he looks too.

The countdown clock is on its last minute, which should probably be spent reminiscing on all he did this year, but he can’t think of anything other than how pretty Kyungsoo looks. The way he quietly counts down along with the prompter until it gets down to its last few seconds.

Jongin doesn’t think he can spend anymore New Years standing on stage with random idols he doesn’t know or care about, or at home with his friend just wishing to go to bed.

Not when he finally knows what it’s like to be with someone he actually loves.

“Happy New Year,” he tells Kyungsoo before he leans in for another kiss, heart content when Kyungsoo smiles into it.

\--

If there’s one thing Kyungsoo has never been able to do around Jongin, it’s think rationally. As soon as he got around Jongin, his brain would just stop working and he would end up doing something _stupid_. Like the time he dropped his bowl of cereal because the elder had come over to borrow an old textbook Seungsoo had. Stupid. He was always stupid when it came to Jongin.

If he were smarter, he never would have confessed in the first place when Jongin came over to return some sort tupperware his mom had let Mrs. Kim borrow. He should have just accepted it and closed the door in his face, not invited him in because no one was home and Jongin had just gotten done with dance practice, maybe he wanted a glass of water and he could just offer him one.

He doesn’t know _why_ he even asked if Jongin wanted to come in, never having said more than a handful of words to him before but he did and honestly, that’s where it all went downhill. He thought he was brave back then, confessing to _the_ Kim Jongin that he liked him. Now he knows he was just an idiot that should have kept his feelings to himself and waited for them to go away like any other rational person.

He still doesn’t understand why Jongin even bothered kissing him back when he decided to make a complete fool of himself. He doesn’t really think he ever understood how Jongin’s brain worked. He can’t even figure out how his own has decided that its completely acceptable to ignore the fact that he’s at work in opt to be in a bed kissing the father of his child who doesn’t even know said child exists.

He should have just left when the elevator doors opened the first time, but his legs wouldn’t move and Jongin had looked so _happy_. Jongin never looked that happy whenever he saw him, although his memory is probably all screwed up by now. Maybe he just wanted to think that Jongin never looked at him like that so he could finally tell him and not feel bad about it.

It was never worth telling him because it’s not like Jongin loved him, or even remotely cared about him. Jongin wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with him the second he would have found out he was pregnant. He wouldn’t have wanted to have Dooyoung. He wouldn’t have wanted to be a dad when he could have been Kai instead.

The second Jongin grabbed his hand though, he knew that wasn’t true. Jongin may have been a stupid teenager, but he was never purposefully mean to anyone. Even when he ignored him it wasn’t like they were best friends or even around each other enough at school for it to matter. It’s not like Kyungsoo searched him out at school either.

Jongin would have been a good dad to Dooyoung, which only makes him feel worse for doing this. He shouldn’t lead him on like he’s doing now, when they can’t be together like he wants them to be. Jongin is an idol now, with millions of fans and cameras watching his every move and Kyungsoo can’t be part of that. He _won’t_ let Dooyoung be a part of that, no matter how much he wishes they could just be a family.

The only rational thought he’s had all night is that he needs to leave when Jongin pulls away to let out a yawn.

“Sorry, I’m really tired,” Jongin yawns out, rubbing his eyes before trying to lean back towards him but Kyungsoo shakes his head.

“You should rest,” he replies, getting a tiny pout from Jongin before he complies and pulls the blanket over himself and lets out another yawn.

He looks exhausted, with dark bags underneath his eyes and Kyungsoo hopes it’s not a normal thing for him. He hopes its just late and he didn’t sleep well the night before. He tries to get up when Jongin looks like he’s about to fall asleep, but the elder twitches awake, making him stop.

“Don’t leave,” Jongin mumbles, opening his eyes and giving him a pleading look that he can’t say no to, even if he knows he should. “Please.”

Kyungsoo nods his head, lying back down next to the elder and watching as he yawns again before tiredly opening his eyes, fighting off the sleep he obviously needs. Kyungsoo smiles a little when his nose scrunches up before he rests his eyes, reminding him of Dooyoung when he fights taking his nap. He didn’t realize Jongin did the same thing. There’s probably a lot of things he and Dooyoung share that he just wont ever get to see and it makes him sad, wanting to cry but knowing he shouldn’t.

“I went to your fansign when you debuted,” he shares quietly, watching as Jongin frowns a little but keeps his eyes closed, probably bound to fall asleep soon.

“You did?” Jongin mumbles out, looking seconds away from falling asleep, so Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he’s telling him this now.

Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he’s saying _anything_ when the best thing to do would be to stay silent until Jongin falls asleep. The more he talks the more he wants to tell him about Dooyoung, but he already decided a long time ago that it’s just not going to turn out the way he wants it to. The moment he got that call that made him leave that fansign, he knew that Jongin was just _never_ going to know about Dooyoung, and he would just have to be okay with that.

“I wanted to tell you something, but I didn’t get to. I’m sorry,” he apologizes, trying to keep his voice steady so Jongin doesn’t wake up and start asking questions. He knows he’ll crack if Jongin starts to ask questions and he can’t handle that right now.

“S’okay,” Jongin barely manages to mumble out, going silent and starting to breathe a little heavier the longer he watches him.

Kyungsoo hesitantly reaches out and smooths his hair down for him, trying to force himself not to cry yet. He didn’t realize how much he missed the elder until he saw him, and he doesn’t want to leave but he knows he has to. He can’t stay any longer, because the longer he stays the more he wants what he can’t have. So, he hesitantly moves and gives the elder a kiss on the cheek, before pulling back.

“I love you,” he chokes out, taking a deep breath before forcing himself to sit up and trying his hardest to at least wait until he’s in the elevator to have a break down.

He takes the elder’s jacket off and moves to set it on the chair near the desk in the corner. He picks up some of the trash and cleans up a bit, stalling. When he’s done, he looks over at the bed, watching as Jongin sleeps and almost wishing he would wake up and ask him to stay, but he doesn’t.

Kyungsoo turns around and goes towards the door, moving as quietly as possible as he puts his shoes back on and undoes the locks. He still hesitates but he knows he can’t stay there. So he forces himself to grab the door knob and gets out as quietly as he can before just standing there in the hallway for who knows how long.

It’s late and he doesn’t realize how late until he finally gets in the elevator and slumps down onto the floor and tries to hold it together for a little bit longer. He sniffles as he gets his phone out of his pocket, looking at the time and knowing if it were any other time of the day, he wouldn’t even have to worry about coming back to a job. Hopefully it hasn’t been too busy, and he can just clock out and leave without a fuss.

He wipes his eyes as he tiredly gets up, finally on the ground floor and heading to the breakroom. He clocks out and grabs his coat, shrugging it on before heading outside where he can still hear the remnants of some of the parties going on. He waits for his cab and then makes his way back to Seungsoo’s apartment in silence.

It’s nearly four in the morning by the time he gets home, tiredly taking off his shoes and going towards his and Dooyoung’s room to change. The five-year-old is curled up on the bed, holding onto his plush bunny sleeping peacefully. Kyungsoo tiredly gets into bed, scooting as close to Dooyoung as he can before reaching out and smoothing out his hair, finally letting himself cry.

\--

Jongin awkwardly waits in the lobby, tuning out his manager and nodding his head so it at least looks like he’s listening to him. He’s got two weeks before his next schedule and that usually means his manager gets a break too, so he’s getting a long speech. The elder should have already left but he’s insistent on nagging him not to get into any trouble while he’s on his own. Honestly Jongin stopped listening to these speeches a couple of months after he debuted, but the elder doesn’t need to know that.

“You’re not even listening to me, are you?”

Jongin shrugs, looking over at the receptionist desk and wondering if he’s going to look weird asking if one of their employees is in today. He’s so stupid for falling asleep before he had the chance to get Kyungsoo’s phone number. That should have been the _first_ thing he asked for, but he was so distracted and tired.

“Jongin.”

“Yeah, don’t get into trouble, got it. You can go. I’m not a child,” he states tiredly, giving the older male a look.

“Have a good break,” the elder sighs out before shaking his head and heading towards the front entrance.

Jongin waves him off before slowly walking up to the front desk, waiting patiently while the girl checks in another guest. Jongin isn’t sure if he’s even allowed to ask for a staff member personally, since it’s a pretty nice hotel and he doesn’t think they’re actually allowed to just, take a break when a friend pops up. He’s starting to feel nervous when he looks at someone entering the small receptionist desk, blinking back his surprise.

“Seungsoo hyung?” he questions hesitantly, watching as the elder looks around in confusion before spotting him. He squints a little and Jongin tugs the hat off his head and fixes his face mask, awkwardly waving.

“Hey!” Seungsoo replies once he’s recognizable, beckoning him over and so he moves quickly, not wanting to gain attention. Luckily the person that just checked in seems in a rush and there’s no one else nearby. “I almost didn’t realize it was you,” the elder laughs, so he smiles and watches as he tells the girl at the front she can go on her break.

“You work here too?” he questions curiously, just now realizing he didn’t even ask what the elder was up to when he last saw him at his sister’s wedding. He just ended up talking about himself now that he looks back on it. Seungsoo didn’t say much.

“Too?” Seungsoo questions back, looking a little confused and Jongin belatedly realizes the mistake, starting to feel nervous when he can’t think of a lie that sounds believable.

“I was staying here while we had company concerts. I um, ran into Kyungsoo,” he replies carefully, not sure how the elder would react if he were to ever tell him the whole truth. He doesn’t think he’s ever told _anyone_ the whole truth about Kyungsoo.

“Oh! He didn’t mention anything,” Seungsoo replies, making him deflate a little, knowing they weren’t the closest people to the naked eye when they were younger, but still. They’re adults now. They can mention each other, can’t they?

Although as far as he knows, Kyungsoo never said anything to Seungsoo about their relationship, or lack thereof. He doesn’t even think they talked when their families would get together. Kyungsoo was always just busy doing his own thing and Jongin liked to hang out with Seungsoo, glad to be near another male after having to deal with his sister constantly. So, it makes sense that Kyungsoo wouldn’t mention anything.

“We just talked for a little bit,” he lies, because they honestly didn’t really talk. _He_ talked, Kyungsoo listened and well. He clears his throat, trying not to think about it in front of Seungsoo of all people. “Is he here today?” he questions slowly, not wanting to seem too eager but not wanting to act like he doesn’t want to see him either.

“No, he’s off today since he had the night shift. He’ll be in tomorrow though if you want to bug him while you’re here,” Seungsoo replies lightheartedly, probably joking but Jongin takes him seriously, perking up immediately.

“I can?” he questions excitedly, watching as Seungsoo looks a little confused before shrugging.

“I mean, as long as he isn’t extremely busy, which he shouldn’t be since the holiday rush has died down. I didn’t know you two _knew_ how to talk to one another,” Seungsoo comments and Jongin wishes he were joking but he looks kind of serious, making him feel his cheeks heat up.

“Well, it’s been about six years. There’s a lot to talk about,” he replies with a shrug, trying not to read too into it and forcing himself not to fidget. That’s always a dead giveaway that he’s nervous or lying about something. He’s had to force himself not to do it during interviews though, so he manages and Seungsoo just goes back to typing on the keyboard.

“We have an executive suite with a king bed available for the week, it’s really nice,” Seungsoo comments, so he nods so the elder knows he’s listening. “It is pricey, but we could get you a discount.”

“You don’t have to,” he tries to argue but Seungsoo just dismisses him with a wave of his hand.

“It’s not a problem,” the elder tells him before giving him the price and considering he never really has to pay for things like this on his own, it seems reasonable and it’s not like he’s broke.

He hands over his card and belatedly realizes he’ll still have to go back to his dorm and grab himself enough clothes for a week of lounging. He also needs to figure out visiting his parents at some point since he never gets to spend as much time with them as he wants. He has to fit so much into the next two weeks before he’s back to hectic schedules.

“Here is your room keys, breakfast starts at 6:30, if you need room service just call. I’ll make sure Kyungsoo checks on you tomorrow morning,” Seungsoo comments, handing over his room keys and Jongin can’t help but smile.

“Really?” he questions, mentally cursing himself for sounding a little bit _too_ excited.

“Sure. It’s usually a pain when we have idols when it comes to room service, but you two already know each other,” Seungsoo replies, shrugging a little before giving him a smile. “Just let me know if you need anything.”

“Great, thank you hyung,” he replies, giving the elder a little wave before looking down at his room key and heading towards the elevator.

He gets his phone out and looks around the area, since he didn’t really do that much when he was staying for the company concerts. He has the rest of the day to prepare himself for actually seeing Kyungsoo again and hopefully being able to function properly so that he doesn’t just end up making out until he falls asleep. Although that doesn’t sound too bad either.

\--

Kyungsoo stifles a yawn as he stirs around the soup on the stove, glad that they went shopping before the new year so that way he didn’t have to go out and buy anything now that the weather is bad. He’s exhausted, not just from staying up late but also from dealing with his own emotions after seeing Jongin again. His whole body feels heavy and he’s definitely going to bed early tonight, having an early shift tomorrow. He just feels numb though, unsure of what this even means and not knowing if he’ll even see Jongin again.

Once he’s done making sure the soup isn’t going to overboil in the pot he goes back towards the living room. Dooyoung is curled up on the couch, taking a nap and making him completely jealous. He goes over and curls up next to him, playing with his hair and sighing tiredly.

The five-year-old has been completely hyper all day, especially when it comes to Holly who is adapting well to her new environment. They still need to take her to the vet and it’s a lot harder finding someone to see a bunny in the city. She’s adorable though, even he can admit he was smitten with her when he was in the pet shop picking her up.

He and Dooyoung have spent a lot of time reading up on what she needs and Kyungsoo really can’t believe the five-year-old is slowly learning to read well enough that he doesn’t need his help that much. He’s growing up too quickly for Kyungsoo’s liking, not wanting him to outgrow being coddled and needing him all the time.

The older Dooyoung gets, the more he starts really looking like Jongin too. Even now as he’s sleeping, he can spot the similarities, just making him want to cry all over again. He doesn’t know how to deal with Jongin suddenly popping up into his life after almost six years, having thought he wouldn’t see him again. His whole world feels titled and he just wants to sleep, resting his eyes while he can before he hears Seungsoo get home.

He sits up a little and makes sure to cover up Dooyoung with his new blanket before going to see if the rice he set to cook is ready yet. He smiles tiredly at his brother as he walks into the kitchen, looking at the rice cooker and turning it off when he sees its ready, so nothing burns.

“How was work?” he questions the elder, turning around and watching as he pokes his head near the soup.

“Good. A little busy with check out but the rest of the week should be slow. Why didn’t you mention you saw Jongin? I knew we had some idols staying through New Year’s, but I didn’t know it was him,” Seungsoo comments, making him freeze.

He swallows thickly before lightly shrugging, crossing his arms over his chest and biting his lower lip as he tries to think of something to tell the elder. He really didn’t think the elder would bring him up. He wasn’t _prepared_ for Seungsoo to bring him up.

“I just saw him in the elevator,” he lies, really wishing he could get through a conversation about Jongin without wanting to _cry_.

“He said you two talked,” Seungsoo replies, making him bite on his tongue, wondering why _now_ Jongin actually acknowledges his existence to other people when he doesn’t want it. When he was sixteen, he would have died if Jongin actually talked about him or even looked at him in public. Now, he just feels frustrated.

“Not really. I didn’t even think he knew who I was,” he lies some more, watching as Seungsoo frowns a little and nods his head, seeming to contemplate something as he looks at the soup, which is worrisome.

“I told him you would check on him while he’s staying for the week,” Seungsoo shares, making him nearly glare at the elder, irrationally frustrated and angry at him for it.

“Why would you do that?” he questions worriedly, not knowing how he’s going to deal with a whole week of seeing the elder when he couldn’t even handle a couple of hours.

He tries to keep his breathing even, not wanting Seungsoo to worry or _worse_, start asking more questions. He hates that Jongin has chosen now to suddenly show up in his life, wishing he never would have agreed to work at the stupid hotel in the first place. He was doing well pretending to hate Jongin’s entire existence and years of guarding his heart were completely wasted the second he saw the elder in that elevator.

“I want to ask you something and I want you to know that I won’t be upset, but I want you to tell me the truth,” Seungsoo says slowly, making him tighten his arms around himself, not wanting to hear what the elder is about to say.

He’s never thought about anyone finding out about Jongin being Dooyoung’s dad. He knows Dooyoung doesn’t look like he could be Jongin’s at first glance, no matter how much he looks at him and just sees the elder. He and Jongin were barely in the same room together, so it’s not like anyone would ever make a guess that farfetched. He hates how Seungsoo looks like he knows the truth now.

“Is he Dooyoung’s dad?” Seungsoo asks quietly, making him finally burst into tears as he slowly nods his head, unable to lie anymore.

“Don’t be mad,” he chokes out, unable to stop himself from sobbing as Seungsoo moves to hug him, clinging to the elder and trying to calm himself down before he wakes up Dooyoung and worries him.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad,” Seungsoo soothes, rubbing his back and Kyungsoo just tiredly leans into him, wishing he felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders but it anything they feel heavier.

Now that Seungsoo knows he can’t hide it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i mention there would be angst ????


	9. 2017 part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wishful thinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not really happy with this chapter but oh wells

Kyungsoo tiredly sits on the couch, cup of warm tea in his hands as he waits for Seungsoo to come back to the living room. Dooyoung fell asleep a little while ago, so he tucked him in the for night before going to make his tea. It’s going to be a rough night, he already knows it. He isn’t prepared to talk to Seungsoo about things he swore he would just keep a secret until he was ready to tell Dooyoung the truth. Preferably when he was old enough to understand and not hate him for it.

The only plus side to this is that he can’t possibly cry much more at this rate. His eyes are stinging with the need for sleep or just plain _rest,_ but that won’t be any time soon. He feels on edge waiting for Seungsoo to come and sit down next to him, knowing the elder was getting ready for bed when he passed his room earlier.

He looks over at the Christmas tree they still haven’t taken down and wonders how things managed to become so screwed up so quickly. Just a day ago he was fine, living his life as normally as he could and now everything is just coming back to bite him in the ass.

In one night, everything he’s managed to hide for nearly six years is just completely unraveling and the one person he knows would help convince him it’s okay, isn’t even there anymore. He doesn’t think he’s missed his grandpa this much since he’s passed.

“What are you watching?” Seungsoo questions as he comes back into the living room, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch.

Kyungsoo shrugs, not even knowing what drama is on right now, not having been paying attention. He takes another sip from his mug and lets out a tired sigh before moving to set it down on the coffee table. He rubs his face a little and tries to mentally prepare himself for this, because he knows it’s going to be hard.

“He doesn’t know, if you were going to ask,” he comments quietly, knowing Seungsoo won’t start asking until he knows he’s ready and honestly, Kyungsoo won’t _ever_ be ready for this conversation so he might as well just get it over and done with.

“I figured,” Seungsoo replies after a while, clearing his throat and fidgeting on the couch. “It doesn’t matter, whatever happened in the past. I wish you would have been able to tell me, but I understand why you didn’t. Now that he’s here, are you going to tell him about Dooyoung?” he questions, surprising him.

Kyungsoo was ready for a complete _interrogation_. He knows that if the situations were reversed, he would want to know every detail about every decision he made. Sometimes _he_ doesn’t even know why he never tried harder to tell anyone. He could have, confessed to his parents and hopefully they wouldn’t have completely shunned him like they did not knowing. He’s thought about it countless times, wondered if he did the right thing and if he was just saving himself from the hurt of it all and as a result, only made it that much worse for Jongin and Dooyoung.

Which brings him to the biggest decision he’s had to make since he found out he was pregnant in the first place. Does he tell Jongin?

He doesn’t know what good would come from it. Jongin will hate him for keeping it from him. He won’t be able to forgive him for robbing him of the past five years, regardless of how he would have reacted if he would have been able to tell him then. Especially after last night.

He can’t think of any reason to tell Jongin at this point. Even if Jongin was happy, by some weird miracle, it’s not like the elder can just suddenly be Dooyoung’s dad. Dooyoung doesn’t need a part time dad, he doesn’t need some stranger coming into his life and disappearing just as quickly. He’s just better off with him alone, even if its hard. In the end he was willing to give up everything for Dooyoung, he doubts Jongin would do the same.

“No,” he finalizes, shaking his head as he bites on his lip before stopping, knowing he’ll just end up making it bleed at this rate.

“Why not?” Seungsoo questions, making him feel even more tired that he already feels.

He just wants to stay in bed until Kim Jongin disappears to wherever he’s supposed to go next. He doesn’t want to deal with any of this. Things were easier when he was convinced he would never see the elder again. When he was convinced that he left all his feelings for the elder back in his old room.

“Because he’s Kai,” he replies quietly, looking over at his mug of tea and opting to stare at that instead of looking at his brother.

“He’s Dooyoung’s _dad_,” Seungsoo argues, which he knew would come inevitably if he ever found out. He just wishes he wouldn’t have.

“It doesn’t matter,” he argues back, shaking his head and getting up from the couch, “Jongin is _never_ going to know about him. I’m not going to tell him. I never planned on telling him and him suddenly popping up now isn’t going to make me change my mind.”

“_Kyungsoo_,” Seungsoo starts but he shakes his head and gives his brother a tired look, and he immediately stops.

“Jongin is an idol, I’m not going to ruin his entire career over this. I don’t want anything to happen to Dooyoung. So please, just forget about it,” he begs his brother, too tired to try and argue with him over it.

He just wants to go to bed and sleep.

He just wants to be back home with his grandpa and have him say everything will be alright.

Seungsoo nods his head, looking like he could argue with him more, but of course he doesn’t. “For what it’s worth, I think he would want to know,” Seungsoo speaks up one last time before he gets up too and heads to his room.

Kyungsoo is just left standing there, second guessing himself.

\--

Jongin anxiously paces near his hotel room door, biting his lip as he waits for the inevitable knock. He ordered breakfast and Kyungsoo is supposed to be working today, so he’s understandably nervous all over again about seeing him. He’s showered and cleaned up and although he’s in his pajama’s still, he at least fixed himself up, so he doesn’t look like a complete slob in front of the younger male.

He tugs on the sleeves of his hoodie and nearly flinches when he hears the knock, rushing over and immediately opening the door and feeling his entire face light up. Although, Kyungsoo flinches and looks surprised, which makes him just feel _embarrassed_ when he realizes he didn’t even wait for him to knock more than once.

“Were you just waiting by the door?” Kyungsoo questions, looking highly confused and Jongin feels his ears heat up underneath his hood.

“What? Pft, _no_, of course not. I was just, nothing, come in!” he rushes out, holding the door open and watching as Kyungsoo hesitates a little before he pushes in the cart carrying the several plates of food he asked for.

“It’s not too cold in here is it?” he questions, knowing he’s warm but he’s also wearing his hoodie.

“It’s fine,” Kyungsoo replies quietly, giving him a tiny smile before stepping away from the cart. He doesn’t realize why Kyungsoo is oddly eyeing him until he realizes he’s wearing his bear hoodie.

“My fans call me a bear, I have a lot of bear things,” he explains awkwardly, forcing out a laugh and then going silent when Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything.

“Why?” Kyungsoo eventually asks, making him frown a little before he shrugs.

“They think I look like a bear? Um, it’s a thing, I can show you pictures,” he mumbles, grabbing his phone and going towards the search engine and awkwardly typing in his own name and the word bear. “See,” he comments, showing the younger male his phone and watching as he squints a little before moving closer.

He taps on a couple more pictures and the suggested ones that pop up, smiling a little at somehow even comparison pictures of him and Taeoh pop up. He moves to tap on one of those, wanting to bring it up but Kyungsoo immediately swipes the picture off the screen.

“I don’t really get it,” Kyungsoo speaks up, clearing his throat and gently pushing his phone away from him, making him frown a little bit.

“It’s kind of silly, honestly, but its just something that started after I debuted. So, I get a lot of bear things as presents. Although, I may have bought this one myself,” he comments, opening up the containers of food to busy himself. “Are you hungry?” he questions, wondering why it’s a lot harder than it was last night to talk to Kyungsoo.

“I ate breakfast at home,” Kyungsoo replies, shaking his head and then looking at the door.

Jongin bites his lip, suddenly not feeling so happy. “Did I do something wrong the other night?” he questions hesitantly, watching Kyungsoo for a reaction and not feeling at all eased when he hesitates before shaking his head.

“No, it’s just,” Kyungsoo starts before trailing off, shaking his head and giving him a smile that looks strained. “It’s nothing.”

Jongin is not at all convinced but isn’t sure if he should push the matter, not wanting to overstep or make Kyungsoo upset. It’s the last thing he wants to do, but he also doesn’t want to just ignore it. He bites his lip before clearing his throat.

“If I did something to upset you,” he starts to apologize but Kyungsoo immediately shakes his head, making him stop.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just, I don’t know how to act around you anymore,” Kyungsoo admits quietly, “You’re an idol now and I’m just, the maid...”

Jongin laughs a little bit, which seems to make the younger male relax a little bit. “I’m still the same person I was when we were younger, just taller,” he jokes, feeling relieved when Kyungsoo smiles a bit before nodding his head. “You aren’t just the maid, by the way. You’re still Kyungsoo,” he adds on, clearing his throat and keeping the smile on his face.

“Were you really not waiting by the door for me?” Kyungsoo questions, making him feel his cheeks heat up in embarrassment at being so _bad_ at lying.

“If I say yes, will you eat breakfast with me?” he questions back, getting a laugh from the younger male before he nods his head. “In that case do you want pancakes or the French toast?”

“Both,” Kyungsoo replies, making him blink back his surprise before shrugging and grabbing both plates and heading towards his bed.

“We can split them, I should probably _not_ pig out unless I want to get put on a diet again,” he comments, getting in bed and then setting both plates down on the breakfast tray.

He scoots over and watches as Kyungsoo slowly moves to sit next to him, taking up as little space as possible. Jongin hands him a fork and grabs his own, cutting up the stack of pancakes and making sure to set everything so he can reach it without trouble, moving the breakfast tray a little.

“They really make you diet?” Kyungsoo questions him, poking at the pancakes before taking a bite.

Jongin nods his head, “Can’t keep the abs if all I eat is junk,” he explains with a shrug.

“You were on that ice cream though,” Kyungsoo mumbles, surprising him since its been a long time since he’s done an ice cream advertisement.

“That was _awful_, they made me eat real ice cream each take. I nearly barfed,” he vents, shivering a little at how horrible that entire experience was. He couldn’t even look at ice cream for months after that.

“You don’t like ice cream?” Kyungsoo questions slowly, giving him a weird look that makes him blush.

“Not really,” he replies around a mouthful of food, watching Kyungsoo’s face and getting confused when he laughs a little. “Why’s that funny?” he mumbles, pouting a little bit and grabbing a piece of the French toast.

“It’s not,” Kyungsoo replies, not elaborating further so Jongin shrugs it off and goes back to eating. “Do you get ear infections? I mean, did you get them, when you were little?” Kyungsoo questions, which is completely weird and random.

“Yeah, a lot actually,” he replies, knowing he didn’t live next to Kyungsoo until he was a little bit older and had outgrown the multiple ear infections a year phase. His sisters used to get them a lot too apparently. He hopes poor Rahee doesn’t get them. “How did you know?”

“I was just curious,” Kyungsoo replies before moving to eat a piece of pancake.

Jongin thinks it’s a weird thing to want to know but doesn’t question it. Instead he grabs a piece of pancake and holds it up to the younger male’s lips, getting a blush in return as he opens his mouth and gives him a smile. It’s the best breakfast he’s had in a while, that’s for sure.

\--

Kyungsoo stifles a laugh as he watches Jongin animatedly talk about the drama he decided to put on as they were flipping through the channels. His shift technically ended an hour ago and he clocked out and should have gone home, but Jongin asked him to stay and he still can’t manage to tell the elder no. Seungsoo is with Dooyoung and the elder doesn’t work tomorrow, so it’s not exactly like he’s just ignoring his responsibilities. He asked if the elder would mind if he stayed a little longer. He sounded reluctant when he mentioned it was because Jongin wanted to watch a movie or two, but in the end told him it was fine.

Jongin is only here for the week and he’s being selfish, letting himself spend every possible second he can with the elder. He just wants to pretend for a week, that the elder is just Jongin and that nothing has changed. He can be the same stupid fifteen-year-old he was before, hopelessly in love with the elder who still wouldn’t be caught dead with him in public, but that’s okay.

Jongin is still sweet and laughs and jokes and only smiles for him. He’s _missed_ it. Last time he didn’t know how quickly those smiles would go away, this time he at least can prepare for the inevitable heartbreak he’ll have to endure, all over again. He knows it’s coming this time, Jongin leaving all over again, but it’s for the best.

All he can do is just savor every second he has with the elder, engraving every little thing Jongin does or says into his mind for when he wants to cave and just tell him. He’s doing this for both of them. They’re both better off never being more than just something behind closed doors, only to exist in a room where its just the two of them.

“I understand why the ratings for this thing are awful now,” Jongin snorts out when one of the actors overdramatically faints, not looking natural at all and making him cringe a little.

“I think it’s funny,” he replies, getting a laugh from Jongin who shakes his head.

“It’s not _supposed_ to be,” Jongin snorts, grabbing the remote and turning the channel as the previews for the next episode pop up once it ends overdramatically. “Some people should just stick to what they’re good at,” he adds on as he continues to flip through the channels.

Kyungsoo decides to sneak a look at his phone while Jongin is distracted, making sure he has no messages from Seungsoo about Dooyoung. The five-year-old had a little cough last night but seemed fine this morning. He can’t help but worry though, hoping he isn’t getting sick again. He feels horrible now that he realizes he should be at home with his son, not here.

“Do you watch _Oh! My Baby_?” Jongin questions, so he looks up and realizes what he’s settled with is the show with the lookalike, because the universe hates him _that_ much.

“No,” he replies quietly, biting his lip as he fails to recognize the kids on the television.

“I was on it last year, but this isn’t my episode,” Jongin mumbles before getting up and going towards the mini fridge and coming back with two bottles of water, handing him one that he takes with a forced smile.

“I know,” he mumbles, trying not to seem bitter over it, grabbing the remote when he’s busy and quickly changing it, scooting closer to the edge of the bed to see better.

“You do?” Jongin questions, sounding a little too excited and Kyungsoo feels a little bad about how he didn’t really watch the whole thing.

“Seungsoo hyung put it on so we watched it,” he says carefully, keeping his eyes on the television, not wanting to give anything away. “It was cute,” he lies through his teeth, clearing his throat and settling on a news station that is doing the weather forecast.

“It’s still kind of crazy how much he looks like me. My mom didn’t stop nagging about grandchildren for weeks after it aired,” Jongin informs him, which only dampers his mood even more so.

Kyungsoo bites on his lip as he messes with the remote, trying to keep his breathing steady and his mouth shut. He doesn’t know how to just stop while he’s ahead though, keeping his focus on the weather girl and hoping he doesn’t sound too curious.

“You want kids?” he questions steadily, clearing his throat again and refusing to look back at the elder. He doesn’t know what he expects to hear, maybe something that will make him feel better about what he’s doing, something to give him more of a reason to continue to keep the truth from the elder, _something_.

“Uhhh,” Jongin awkwardly laughs out, which doesn’t really make him feel better but doesn’t make him feel worse. Yet. “Yeah, I mean, obviously not right away. Later though, when I’m older and can afford to, if it’s with the right person, then yeah, of course. I want kids.”

Kyungsoo nods his head, not knowing what he was even expecting. _Of course_, Jongin would want kids. He should have never asked.

“What about you?” Jongin questions and he really wishes he wouldn’t have.

Kyungsoo honestly has never thought about it, not since he found out about Dooyoung. Maybe there was a part of his delusional fifteen-year-old self that would have wanted kids. Kids with the person asking him in the first place. He has Dooyoung though and he’s never once though about the possibility of having more. The only way he would want more was if it was with the right person, which is a stupid thought to have in the first place.

So, he swallows the lump in his throat and shakes his head, “Not really,” he lies, clenching his jaw to stop himself from crying. He takes a deep breath and focuses on the weather girl turning the broadcast bad to her co-anchors.

“Oh,” Jongin replies quietly, sounding disappointed and Kyungsoo hates himself for it, but he doesn’t need to give the elder any ideas of them lasting past the week. “I guess, having kids isn’t for everyone.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, clearing his throat and turning around when he knows he won’t start crying at any given moment. He falters a little though, seeing how Jongin is just staring at his phone with this look on his face that doesn’t settle well with him. “I think when the time comes, you’ll make a good dad,” he offers, trying to make things better but of course he always makes things _worse_.

“It probably won’t happen,” Jongin excuses, shaking his head and looking agitated.

“But you just said,” he replies, not understanding anymore and feeling ten times worse when Jongin actually starts looking annoyed.

“Wishful thinking. I haven’t had a vacation since I was seventeen, I spend more time on an airplane than I do seeing my parents. By the time my career is over I’ll be too old to _date_, let alone have kids. It’s just, if I could I would, but I don’t really get a say in a lot of things I want,” Jongin explains, shaking his head before setting his phone down with a little huff.

Kyungsoo didn’t think it was possible to feel worse, but he does, even though it just solidifies his reasoning to keep Dooyoung from him. It still hurts knowing that either way, neither of them can get what they want. He wishes he wasn’t so dumb when he was younger, he should have told him back when he had the chance.

He scoots back to his spot next to the elder, hesitantly moving and hugging onto him. The elder is stiff for a second before he relaxes, resting his cheek against the top of his head. Kyungsoo takes a deep breath, tightening his hold a little before opening his mouth.

“After you moved away,” he starts off, trying not to lose his nerve and just tell him. Jongin may not hate him if he told him now, maybe he would be happy, or maybe he would be upset, but he won’t know until he tells him. He sits up a little and immediately hesitates, just for a second and that’s all it take for his phone to ring.

He twitches a little, snapping out of it and grabbing the phone. Seeing Seungsoo’s name he deflates a little as he looks at the elder’s picture pop up, looking at Jongin who is frowning.

“He probably needs me home,” he forces out, sitting up and getting out of bed and trying not to get emotional all over again.

“I get it,” Jongin replies, getting up with him and handing him his jacket and walking him to the door.

He slips on his shoes and then shrugs on his coat, looking up at the elder and hesitating again. He doesn’t want to leave but he needs to, knowing he can’t just do what he wants when he has Dooyoung at home waiting for him.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes, not just for having to leave, but for everything.

“It’s okay. I can see you tomorrow, right?” Jongin questions, so he nods his head. He has a night shift tomorrow that he doesn’t foresee himself having too much to do during. The week is going by too quickly. Before he knows it Jongin will be checking out and walking out of his life all over again. He’s not ready for it, even though he knows it’s coming this time.

“I’ll be here tomorrow,” he confirms, smiling a little before quickly leaning up for a quick kiss, pulling away before he can get embarrassed over it and turning around to unlock the door.

“Hey, wait!” Jongin calls out, making him stop and turn around, blinking stupidly when the elder leans down and kisses him. “Okay, bye.”

Kyungsoo bites his lip to stop from smiling, “Bye,” he mumbles, turning around and heading towards the elevator.

He sighs tiredly, smiling slipping from his face as he unlocks his phone and moves to call Seungsoo back, unsure how to feel.

\--

Kyungsoo sighs as he hears Dooyoung sneeze yet again, grabbing a tissue and turning towards the boy who is curled up next to him on the couch, miserable with yet another ear infection. He doesn’t understand how quickly a cough and the sniffles can turn into a fever with his poor baby crying that his ears hurt, but its normal at this point. He’s been up majority of the night, waiting for the medicine to kick in and Dooyoung to fall asleep.

He’s tired, naturally, but Seungsoo had to go into work so it’s just them two. He can’t take a nap right now, especially when Dooyoung looks so miserable. He wipes his nose with the tissue before setting it down in the trashcan he had to bring into the room just in case. Sometimes Dooyoung gets nauseated from the congestion and Kyungsoo wasn’t chancing it.

“You tired, baby?” he questions, watching as Dooyoung’s eyes droop groggily as they watch television.

He smiles a little when Dooyoung slowly nods his head, holding his arms out towards him so he grabs him and settles him down in his lap. He runs his hands through his hair and starts to lowly hum him a little lullaby, glad that his fever has at least broken to the point that he isn’t sweating on him.

“Daddy, when are we going home?” Dooyoung questions tiredly, confusing him a little.

“What do you mean?” he questions back, looking down at the boy and watching as he sniffles a little before sneezing on him, getting snot on his sweater which just makes him sigh.

“Back home, where we lived with grandpa. Are we going to go back home?” Dooyoung explains, looking up at him with a confused little look on his face.

Kyungsoo blinks back his surprise, grabbing another tissue and cleaning Dooyoung’s nose again before attempting to clean his sweater. He’s already signed off on the house and talked to the neighbors who were tending to the chickens, but he wasn’t in a rush to go back just yet. He honestly doesn’t know if he _can_ walk in yet. It’s been months since his grandpa passed, but it still feels too fresh.

“You want to go back?” he questions Dooyoung, realizing he hasn’t asked the boy what he wants this entire time.

He knows he’s adjusted well, but this still isn’t their home. At least, it’s not the home that they made for themselves. All Dooyoung has ever known is back in country. He doesn’t suit the city, not liking the noise and getting overwhelmed with all the crowds still. He didn’t realize that the only memories Dooyoung had with his grandpa were in that house.

“I miss the chickens,” Dooyoung comments while nodding his head. “I don’t want them to forget about me. Holly would like it at the farm too, since she’s a bunny.”

Kyungsoo nods his head, biting his lip as he tries to think about giving up his job at the hotel, packing up all their things and going back home. It makes him want to cry, thinking of being all alone in the house with just Dooyoung. He doesn’t think he’s ready, especially not right now. Not when he knows he’s about to lose Jongin all over again. Not to mention his birthday is coming up quicker than he would like, and it will be his first without his grandpa.

“I think we need to stay with Uncle Seungsoo a little bit longer,” he replies, getting a pout from Dooyoung who whines a little before curling against him. “Just for a little bit longer, okay, I promise.”

“Okay daddy,” Dooyoung mumbles, coughing a little before resting his eyes and eventually falling asleep.

Kyungsoo sighs tiredly, looking at his phone and reaching for it. He hesitantly pulls up Jongin’s number, not having the nerve to save it yet. He doesn’t know what the hell he was thinking when he gave his own to the elder. He can’t keep it after this week ends. It’ll just be torture having it now, being able to easily call the elder and knowing he’ll be on the other end when he wasn’t when he needed him to be.

He doesn’t know what he’s doing at all these days, tormenting himself like this and only making the inevitable goodbye worse. He should have just left Jongin in the elevator when he had the chance.


	10. 2017 part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when it rains...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and i oop  
as the kids these days say

Jongin smiles around his straw, sipping on his iced latte and watching as Rahee attempts to stand up on her own, brows furrowed as she concentrates. She manages to lift herself up and then holds onto the couch, still unable to actually walk on her own yet. Jongin is glad he hasn’t missed _that_ much with her. Last time he saw her, she was still scooting around, now she’s already close to walking.

“Where are you going?” he questions as she walks towards the edge of the couch and then realizes she has nothing left to hold onto, so she starts slowly making her way back. “Why don’t you try doing it on your own?” he questions, getting ignored as Rahee mumbles to herself.

“She tries but gets scared,” his brother-in-law comments, making him sigh a little and continue watching her.

He decided on spending the day at his parent’s house, since Kyungsoo texted him saying he wouldn’t be coming in. So, he figured he might as well get out of his hotel room for the day. It’s already Wednesday and before he knows it, he’ll have to be checking out and going back to his dorm. He doesn’t know what Kyungsoo’s schedule is like, but he hopes he can manage to convince the elder to hang out a couple more times before his birthday party, which is his next upcoming schedule.

“Rahee, walk over to oppa,” he calls out, holding his arms out for her and getting a bright smile. Jongin really thinks she’s going to do it, but she immediately gets down and starts to crawl instead, making him deflate.

“I said _walk_,” he scolds her lightly, picking her up and tossing her in the air a bit and relishing in the loud giggles she lets out.

“Don’t make her throw up on you,” Jaekyung warns sternly, so he immediately stops and eyes the baby wearily, not having been thrown up on before and not wanting to find out what it’s like so soon.

“She would _never_,” he comments, eyeing Rahee as she blabbers some more before reaching for Jaekyung and whining a little. “Fine. Go with her!” he huffs, standing up and moving to hand his niece back with his sister.

“Don’t be overdramatic,” his sisters scolds him, making him roll his eyes before he grabs his coffee from the floor.

“I only bought you a pretty dress,” he tells Rahee, the girl giggling before reaching for him, making him perk up. “Oh, now you want me to hold you?” he questions, not being able to resist her cute little face and immediately moving to grab a hold of her again, letting her attempt to grab the straw from his drink.

“Don’t you dare let her have any of that,” Jaekyung comments before going back to help their mom with finishing up dinner.

He goes and sits down on the couch next to his dad, watching as the elder looks over and smiles at Rahee. He lets her down from his lap and she immediately crawls over towards her grandpa, curling up at his side happily. She really is adorable, Jongin really can’t believe how adorable she is.

“I’m going to go see if they need more help,” he comments, leaving Rahee in the hands of his dad who has already stopped paying attention to the television and is making the girl laugh.

He walks into the kitchen and smiles as he makes his way towards the stove to peek at the chicken his mom is frying but immediately flinches away when the grease pops. He turns and gives his sister a little glare when she laughs at him, wanting to whine when his mom joins her.

“It’s not funny,” he grumbles before sipping on his coffee and slouching against the counter.

“If you didn’t have a manager you’d probably starve,” Jaekyung jokes with him, making him roll his eyes.

“Mom, she’s making fun of me,” he complains, getting a sigh from his mom who ignores what he’s said and continues cooking.

“Are you still coming over next week? I already ordered you a cake, so you have to make sure you come,” his mom starts to pester, making him put his whining on hold and nod his head.

“Of course, I already told my manager I would be here before my party,” he replies easily, having set it up months in advance because they were wanting him to do some sort of recording on his birthday and he couldn’t weasel his way out of it.

So, he’s having to celebrate early with his parents and then attend his party at the company auditorium. It’s not the worst way to get back into his hectic life, but he wishes he could have turned down the offer when they asked if he wanted to do another one this year. He should have taken the extra days off.

“Why are you staying at a hotel again? Isn’t that expensive?” his sister questions, making him fight down a blush, because it kind of is, even if he’s financially stable as can be.

“I’m not exactly broke,” he replies quietly. “I told you, Seungsoo hyung got me a good rate,” he adds on hesitantly.

He’s unsure if he should even bring up the _reason_ he’s actually spending money on a room when he’s got an entire dorm to lounge in, before realizing how stupid that is. It’s not like he’s a kid anymore. He can hang out with another boy unsupervised if he wants. It’s not a big deal, he tells himself.

“Besides, Kyungsoo is keeping me company,” he adds on quickly, clearing his throat and moving to sip on his drink and praying he can force his cheeks to remain blush free with sole willpower.

“Since when do you even know who Do Kyungsoo is?” Jaekyung questions seriously, giving him a weird look that doesn’t quite settle well with him.

“You hardly ever played with him when you two were little,” his mother adds on in that motherly scolding voice she’s so good at, making him pout.

“We hung out a lot,” he argues, because they did. They just, never hung out in _public_ or at his house. Hanging out usually meant him either sneaking into Kyungsoo’s room or going over when absolutely no one was home, which was a lot, now that he thinks about it. “We did, all the time,” he emphasizes when his sister still doesn’t look convinced.

“I never saw you two hang out,” Jaekyung comments plainly, eyeing him skeptically and he can’t control the way his face starts to feel hot because of it.

“We hung out in his room,” he tries to argue but he just ends up sounding a little pathetic and he hates when she starts looking like she already knows what he’s hiding. Luckily, his mom butts in before she can start teasing him for it.

“I don’t think I’ve seen him since we moved back, now that I think about it,” his mom comments with a little frown, taking the chicken out of the fryer and then letting the grease drain. “His mother doesn’t really say much about him.”

Jongin frowns, unsure of what to make of that. Kyungsoo hasn’t brought up anything to do with his family. Honestly, when Jongin thinks about it, Kyungsoo hasn’t talked about himself _at all_ in the time he’s spent with him. Jongin doesn’t even know what he’s been doing the past several years, other than obviously working in a hotel. It has him suddenly feeling a little unsure of himself.

“You saw him at the funeral though, didn’t you?” she questions Jaekyung, making his stomach drop.

“What funeral?” he interrogates, looking between his mom and sister worriedly.

“It was their grandpa, we never met him, but I went since mom and dad couldn’t. He was there but,” she explains, not finishing her sentence and instead shaking her head. “I only got to say hello. I think he left with his brother.”

Jongin starts to ask why they didn’t tell him before thinking better of it. Even if he knew about it, it’s not like he could have gone. It’s not like he was particularly close enough with Seungsoo that he would have gone. His family didn’t even know he was close-ish to Kyungsoo. It makes sense that they wouldn’t tell him.

“It’s nice that you have company. You should invite him over for cake,” his mom tells him, still going about getting dinner prepared.

“I don’t know, I mean, he might have to work,” he excuses, unsure if he should ask Kyungsoo to join them. It seems harmless but he still feels worried about his parents realizing he likes the younger male, a lot, unsure of why he feels that way.

“We could sing to both of you,” Jaekyung comments, making him frown a little bit.

“What?” he replies, frowning in confusion. He feels a little scared when his sister gives him a mean judging look, suddenly completely lost.

“His birthday is a couple of days before yours. You should know that if you were spending time in _his room_,” his sister scolds sternly, pinching him on the arm before going to the living room where Rahee has started crying.

He pouts as he rubs his arm, feeling really stupid for not remembering Kyungsoo’s birthday is so close to his. He’s pretty sure his mom made him go to a party or two when he was younger. He looks over at the elder who is still busily putting things into containers to bring to the table so they can eat.

“What are you doing next week?” his mom questions, handing him a bowl and pointing towards the table so he goes and puts it down.

“My manager texted saying there was some contract renewal stuff to talk about. We were going to have dinner at some point,” he replies, shrugging and moving to set more things down at the table.

“Don’t sign anything until you have the lawyer look it over,” she warns, making him nod his head obediently and refrain from rolling his eyes.

“I know, I know,” he sighs out, knowing now is the time to start demanding things he wants with his contract. He wasn’t able to last time since he was barely eighteen. His parents were the ones that had to agree on whatever was on his last contract.

“It would be nice to see Kyungsoo again, so make sure you ask him next time you see him,” his mom pesters him some more.

“Yeah, okay, I’ll ask,” he relents, giving her a smile and nodding his head when she tells him to go tell his dad that dinner is ready.

He bites his lip worriedly, not knowing what to do about Kyungsoo’s upcoming birthday or what he’ll do if the younger male actually agrees.

\--

With Kyungsoo apparently sick, Jongin makes the most of his time off and does some light shopping and decides to visit some friends. Wonsik and Moonkyu have no schedules so he meets up with them at Taemin’s place, Sehun agreeing to show up as well. They order food and rent a couple of movies that no one really pays attention to.

Jongin knows he’s probably going to get put back on a diet with the amount of junk he’s eating, but that’s a problem for his future self. He rarely gets to indulge in so many fried foods, so he’s definitely making the most of it now.

“So, are you going to tell me why you disappeared on New Year’s?” Sehun pesters, making him pause what he’s doing.

“I already told you, I ran into an old friend,” he replies slowly, wiping his mouth with his napkin and clearing his throat.

“Sure. _Friend_,” Sehun huffs out before pouting a bit as he reaches for another slice of pizza.

“He is,” he argues, looking over at Moonkyu and Wonsik who are laughing at something on Taemin’s phone while the movie on the television goes unwatched. “I mean, not _just_ a friend but,” he tries to explain but finds himself unable to say much more. He doesn’t know what he and Kyungsoo are at this point.

He hesitantly looks over at the rest of the guys, not really wanting them to know about Kyungsoo just yet. Not that he’s trying to keep it a secret for the same reasons he did when he was younger. It’s just that the more people know about something, the easier it is to get back to his fans and he doesn’t want that to happen. He trusts his friends but at the same time, doesn’t want to chance it.

“You’re allowed to date you know. Just because you’re _Kai_ doesn’t mean you can’t have a life,” Sehun comments sternly, making him sigh tiredly.

“I know that,” he sighs out, not really caring too much if people were to know he was dating. As long as it wasn’t made into a circus with the reporters who have no real talent for anything, so they get stuck stalking idols to take their pictures and expose them for being regular people off the stage.

He could care less about what they think of him, always knowing that there would be fans that would ditch him the second he actually showed how completely unavailable he is to them. He just doesn’t want Kyungsoo to feel burdened or pressured by anything. Dating an idol comes with terms and conditions.

He travels too much, his schedules last hours sometimes, he’s almost _always_ busy and when he isn’t, he just wants to sleep or is forced to work out or practice for something. Not to mention the number of cameras that are always watching his every move. He doesn’t even want to think about how much of a shit show the internet can be.

Jongin would deal with all of it for Kyungsoo, but he can’t expect the younger male to willingly sign up for something like that.

“Its just, Kyungsoo isn’t an idol. He wouldn’t want to deal with everything that comes with it,” he replies with a small shrug, grabbing his soda and taking a big gulp of it.

“You won’t know until you ask,” Sehun comments, making him frown a little and suppose he’s right, but he rather not risk it and deal with the disappointment.

“I don’t know,” he mumbles, tugging on his sleeves and deflating a little. “I just want to spend as much time with him before my break is up. I don’t want to make things awkward.”

“One little date wouldn’t hurt,” Sehun insists, making him flush at the thought.

He never took Kyungsoo out on a date. They just, hung out in his room and had sex, which just makes him cringe now that he looks back at it. Kyungsoo deserved a real boyfriend who took him on dates. He wants to be that real boyfriend now, but he’s scared. He doesn’t know how to be a normal twenty year old who goes on dates and has a boyfriend.

“Do you think he would even say yes?” he questions worriedly, getting a blank look from his friend that has him feeling a bit embarrassed.

“Seriously?” Sehun questions plainly, shaking his head and letting out a tired sigh. “Like I said, you don’t know until you ask.”

Jongin nods his head, taking another sip of soda. Sehun is right, one date wouldn’t hurt.

\--

Kyungsoo sniffles as he makes his way down the hall and towards Jongin’s room, head feeling like it weighs a ton. Of course, Dooyoung would manage to get _him_ sick magically overnight. His nose is stuffy, and his voice sounds embarrassingly nasally. Dooyoung is feeling a lot better than he is, probably curled up on the couch or playing with Holly at home right now. Kyungsoo wishes he would have stayed home, but Jongin also checks out tomorrow morning.

So, he forced himself out of bed and dragged himself into work, moving so slow that he barely manages to finish his last room in time to go clock himself out. He honestly should just go home, knowing he needs the rest, but he can’t help it. Some stupid irrational part of him still wants to be with Jongin and have all his attention and just, have someone who actually cares about him.

It’s selfish of him, he knows that, but he didn’t realize how lonely he was until the elder magically popped back into his life. The past five years have been spent taking care of either his grandpa or Dooyoung. He hasn’t even managed to just go to a restaurant by himself since he had Dooyoung. He barely gets to do anything on his own, do things he _wants_ to do. He feels bad for wanting his own time away from his son, unsure if he should even let himself indulge in something this stupid.

Everyday he comes and visits Jongin he’s just that much closer to having the elder find out about Dooyoung and every day he doesn’t, is just going to make the inevitable truth that much harder. He’s positive Jongin will hate him now, will probably want nothing to do with him, let alone Dooyoung.

He sighs and stifles a cough as he moves to knock on the door, tugging on his sleeves and shivering a little at how cold he feels. He’s wearing his coat but still feels like he can’t shake the chill in his body, it being enough of a distraction that he twitches when Jongin asks if he’s okay.

“What?” he questions, walking into the room and slowly toeing off his shoes, feeling a little bit uncoordinated as he does so.

“Your nose is all red and your voice sounds funny, are you sick?” Jongin questions, looking at him worriedly and it only makes him start to feel even worse.

“I’m fine, it’s just a cold,” he replies immediately, not wanting him to worry over him. “Your room is freezing,” he adds on, moving to rub at his arms and try and warm himself up.

“I have the heater running,” Jongin mumbles, eyeing him wearily before he actually moves to feel his forehead and then starts looking panicked. “You have a fever!” he accuses loudly, making him wince a little as he shakes his head.

“No, I don’t. It’s just a cold,” he argues before moving to rub his nose, coughing a little and flinching when Jongin puts a cold hand on his cheek.

“Kyungsoo, you’re sick,” Jongin states sternly, gently grabbing him by the arms and leading him to the bed. “You lie down. I can go get medicine from the convenience store down the street. Why are you even at work?” the elder starts rambling.

Kyungsoo frowns as he’s made to sit on the bed, feeling like his brain is having to work on overdrive just to figure out a simple question. He sighs tiredly, rubbing his forehead and trying to ease the pressure he feels.

“I just have a small cold, it’s not that bad,” he tries to argue some more, but immediately gets a scolding look.

“You’re stubborn, you know that?” Jongin replies, making him frown a little and refrain from coughing. “I’m going to get you medicine. You stay put,” the elder comments, making him want to argue that he has medicine at home but Jongin moves too quick for him to even gather the energy to open his mouth.

He doesn’t even get to tell him he can’t stay long before he’s already out the door, making him let out a tired sigh. Instead he moves to lie on the bed, scooting up so that he’s resting his head on one of the pillows. He takes his phone out and texts Seungsoo to make sure Dooyoung is still doing fine.

While he waits for the elder to reply he rests his eyes, coughing as he tugs the blanket over himself. He shivers a little as he tries to get comfortable, resting his eyes for a bit before flinching when he hears his phone vibrate. He cracks an eye open and reads over the text preview before clicking on the message, sending back a response before closing his eyes again and trying to fall asleep, which is a lot easier than he anticipates it to be.

He doesn’t know how long he sleeps for before he wakes up to the microwave beeping. He groggily rubs his eyes as he sits up, almost forgetting where he is until he takes in the appearance of the room. He stifles a yawn as he tries to wake himself up, grabbing his phone and gaping when he sees its nearly midnight.

He fumbles trying to get out of the bed, knowing Seungsoo is probably worried sick or getting ready to kill him for being out this late without telling him.

“Oh, you’re awake!” Jongin comments, making him flinch as he looks up to see the elder carrying a little instant soup over towards the bed.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” he questions hotly, trying to unlock his phone but managing to drop it in the process.

“You were sleeping and you’re sick. Your brother called, it’s fine! I told him what happened and that I would drive you home when you woke up, calm down,” Jongin laughs out, getting on the bed and stirring the soup before blowing on it.

“Seungsoo called on my phone, and you answered,” he replies, eyeing the elder worriedly. He doesn’t have a lock on his phone, and he has too many pictures of Dooyoung to count.

“Yeah, I put it on my charger too since it was dying,” Jongin replies, grabbing a spoonful of the soup and holding it up to his lips. “You need to eat, say ahh,” he prompts him, making him flush and want to argue but as soon as he opens his mouth its full of soup.

It’s still kind of hot so he winces a little, swallowing it up and feeling his throat soothed if only just a little bit. He clears his throat and represses a sigh when Jongin holds another spoonful up for him. He reaches for the spoon and carefully takes it from him along with the small plastic cup, reading the label and trying to see what type it even is.

“You can finish eating and then I bought you some medicine and a drink for you cold. Then I can take you home when you’re ready,” Jongin informs him with a smile, making him feel bad.

“I can take a cab, it’s okay,” he replies instantly, not wanting Jongin anywhere near the apartment.

“It’s late, you don’t have to. I have my car here. It’s fine, really,” Jongin insists, opening up the drink and handing it to him before opening up a box of cold medicine.

“You really don’t have to,” he tries to protest, but it just comes out weak and Jongin immediately shakes his head and gives him a smile he really doesn’t deserve.

“I want to,” Jongin replies, taking the soup from him in opt to hand him the cold medicine.

He sighs as he grabs them and pops the pills in his mouth, taking a sip of the drink and wincing at the taste before swallowing quickly. He grabs the cap and twists it back on before taking the soup back to finish eating. He only managed to eat a small snack for lunch, not being very hungry but now he has a little bit of an appetite, so he eats all of it.

“You should probably stay home tomorrow and rest up,” Jongin tells him, clearing his throat and fidgeting on the bed, looking nervous.

“I probably will,” he confirms, knowing he shouldn’t have come in today. He feels worse than he did before, so he probably pushed himself too much today. He definitely won’t be coming in tomorrow, even if its Jongin’s last at the hotel.

“I was wondering, if you weren’t doing anything and um, if you felt better that is,” Jongin starts off, clearing his throat and looking more nervous than he’s ever seen him, which is confusing.

“Yeah?” he replies so he can continue, unsure if he wants to know where this is headed.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out,” Jongin says after a while, rubbing his palms on his pants before laughing awkwardly and immediately stopping when he doesn’t say anything right away.

“You want to hang out,” he repeats skeptically, not knowing why the elder is acting skittish over something that simple.

“At the Han river, um preferably when it’s dark out so no one recognizes me and bugs us. I could buy us food and we could just, you know, hangout,” Jongin explains further, avoiding eye contact as he messes with his bottle of water.

Kyungsoo blinks slowly, knowing he’s sick and its taking him a little too long to process everything, but he doesn’t think he’s coming to the right conclusion here. Spending time with someone at night, at the Han River, isn’t _just_ hanging out. At least, it doesn’t _sound_ like hanging out.

“That sounds like a date,” he says quietly, unsure of how he should feel when Jongin blushes.

“Yeah, um, you could call it that,” Jongin replies sheepishly, the nervousness suddenly making sense. “It’s just, I never took you on a date and I want to. I might not be able to talk to you, let alone see you once my schedules start getting hectic again. I know it’s been a long time, but I still like you and I want to do things right this time,” the elder explains seriously.

Kyungsoo stares stupidly, unable to form a proper response that doesn’t involve him crying. He wants to and its hard not to, hearing that from the elder. If he were younger, he probably would have already embarrassed himself by saying yes way too quickly. He’s not the same stupid teenager he was back then though, he’s just a stupid adult that thought he could get away with pretending like nothing has changed.

He’s getting himself into a corner he can’t back out of and the more he keeps doing _whatever_ they’re doing, the worse the consequences are going to be. He could just tell him now, he probably should just tell him now, but the thought of Jongin absolutely hating him is terrifying. He doesn’t know what Jongin will do and that’s the worst part. He doesn’t know Jongin like he did when they were younger.

“I know you don’t feel good though, so there’s no pressure and it’s fine if you don’t! I understand, really, I do. I know I was a jerk before and you didn’t deserve that,” Jongin starts rambling some more, making him feel worse, if at all possible.

“I don’t want to get you in trouble,” he interrupts before Jongin can say anything else, trying to stall because the last thing he wants to do is hurt the elder by telling him _no_, but he knows he’s still going to end up hurting him, regardless of what he does now.

Jongin frowns, scoffing and starting to fidget again. “I’m allowed to date, I just, never have. You won’t get me in trouble, I swear.”

Kyungsoo wants to laugh at the irony, because with just a couple of words he could basically _ruin_ the elder’s career. All it would take is Jongin finding out about Dooyoung, finding out all this time he’s had a _kid_. Eventually more people would find out and it would be all over the internet within seconds. He knows how nasty people can be in real life, he doesn’t want to find out how they can be where they can hide behind a computer screen.

He knows how easy it would be to tell him no, but deep down he doesn’t want that. He isn’t ready yet to have Jongin completely out of his life again. He can’t stay in the city now, he knows that. He can’t have Jongin coming in and out of his life anymore. He needs to just remove himself rom the equation entirely, as much as he doesn’t want to. So he says the only thing he can think of.

“I’ve never been on a date,” he confesses, watching as Jongin takes that as a confirmation that he’s agreeing and breaks into that boyish grin that had him smitten the second he met him.

“It’ll be great, I promise! I’ll buy you whatever you want,” Jongin rushes out, making him smile a little as he nods his head.

“I should get home,” he replies eventually, watching as Jongin eagerly nods his head and gets up from the bed.

He makes small talk as he leads them to the elevator and then towards the hotel parking garage. He shouldn’t be surprised that Jongin has some expensive car, considering he grew up around people with fancy cars and even fancier houses, but its been a while. He gives him the directions and fidgets with his belt the entire time, hoping the elder isn’t good at memorizing directions.

When they get to his complex, he plans on thanking the elder and just getting out, but before he can even say goodbye Jongin is turning off the car and getting out. Kyungsoo feels a sense of dread in his stomach, knowing Dooyoung is in bed by now and Seungsoo probably is too but he’s still too close for comfort. He has an excuse not to invite Jongin in, but he still doesn’t want the elder to walk him to his door.

“I can head up by myself,” he starts to tell him but Jongin just shakes his head and grabs him by the hand and starts leading him towards the elevators.

“It’s no problem. Besides, it’s late and weirdos come out at night,” Jongin replies, hitting the up button on the elevator and waiting.

He suppresses another sigh as he walks in and hits the right button for the floor and then waits, looking down at where Jongin is swinging their hands. He tiredly leans against his arm as he waits, sniffling and fighting down a cough. When he hears the elevator _ding_, he opens his eyes, walking forward and heading towards the apartment door.

“Thank you for driving me home,” he mumbles, looking at the door worriedly and praying no one is awake. It’s super late and Dooyoung is generally an early sleeper and a late riser, so he hopes Seungsoo didn’t let him stay up.

“No problem. You should go get some rest,” Jongin comments, so he nods his head and looks down at his keys to open the door. “I hope you feel better,” he adds on, making smile a little and nod his head again.

“Thank you,” he replies, awkwardly waiting for the elder to leave so he can go inside but he lingers.

“You’ll call me, right?” Jongin questions eventually, so he nods his head, forcing himself to smile when the elder gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Okay, good night.”

“Night,” he replies, waving the elder off before turning towards the door and quickly getting himself inside.

He stares at the dark hallway before slowly moving to sit with his back towards the door, letting his head knock against it softly as he stares up at the ceiling, wondering what he’s gotten himself into.

\--

Jongin nervously wipes his palms on his jeans, feeling his hands sweat a little too much, which is embarrassing. He’s nervous, unsure of what to say or what to do. He’s never been on a date. The closest relationship he’s had since Kyungsoo was that one time his company made him kiss a girl on the cheek for a music video and he got crying fangirls in his face.

He doesn’t get this nervous when he’s about to preform in huge venues for thousands of fans, but just waiting for Kyungsoo to come out of the elevator from his complex is making him jittery. He clears his throat and messes with his hair for the millionth time and then fixes the small single bouquet in his hand.

He’s not sure if flowers are still a thing or if he is even _supposed_ to bring anything at all. He should have asked Sehun, but the younger male is probably busy anyways. He should have asked someone though, because now he’s second guessing himself wondering where Kyungsoo is even going to put it while they’re at the park.

“Is that for me?” a voice suddenly questions, making him look up to see Kyungsoo standing in front of him.

Jongin goes braindead, blinking stupidly and knowing his face is probably bright red at this point. Kyungsoo just, does that to him. Makes him brain dead.

“Yeah!” he rushes out when the younger male starts giving him a confused look. “It’s for you. You um, look nice,” he compliments, taking in the white turtle neck sweater he’s wearing and the black jacket. He’s not overdressed but he still looks nice. Really nice.

“Thank you,” Kyungsoo replies, giving him a tiny smile before clearing his throat. “I need to be back by ten.”

“You have a curfew?” he jokes, watching as Kyungsoo just awkwardly nods his head. “Oh, um okay that’s cool,” he amends, turning and starting to walk towards his car.

Jongin opens and closes the door for him and then quickly walks to the driver side and gets in. He starts up the car and then messes with the settings to warm it up, nervously tapping his hand on the wheel as he waits. When the car is finally warmed up enough, he starts to drive and makes his way out of the complex and heads towards the park.

The car ride is mostly silent, which isn’t exactly uncomfortable. It’s just a little awkward, until Kyungsoo fidgets with the radio and starts looking unimpressed with his preset stations, making him pout a little. Kyungsoo ends up finding an oldies station, which surprises him.

“My dad listens to this station,” he comments, looking over at Kyungsoo who pouts a little. “Not that it’s bad! It’s just I’m surprised!” he adds on, wanting to hit himself in the head for bringing it up.

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo replies quietly, fixing his air vent a little. “I think its supposed to rain later.”

“Really?” he questions, panicking a little because the last thing he checked was the weather. “The weather man isn’t always right,” he adds on, knowing there’s tons of times where they say one thing, and nothing happens.

“If you say so,” Kyungsoo snorts out, making him smile seeing him in the corner of his eye.

“Are you hungry?” he questions when he finally gets them to the park, trying to adjust his scarf as he looks around to see that there aren’t that many people out tonight. It’s cold and it does feel breezy enough to rain later but he ignores that, going wide eyed when Kyungsoo reaches up and starts fixing his scarf for him before pulling away.

“Um, a little. I wouldn’t mind sharing something,” Kyungsoo replies, scooting closer to him so Jongin stealthily grabs his hand and starts walking.

“Let’s find a bench and then I can go grab food,” he comments, glad that it’s cold enough that his palms aren’t sweaty now.

“Okay,” Kyungsoo replies, tightening his grip on his hand which only makes him smile a little wider as he walks them further towards the common picnic areas but not far away from some of the food vendors nearby.

He leaves Kyungsoo to go get them drinks and some food to snack on, coming back and sitting with him on the bench as they eat. There aren’t a lot of people out tonight, probably due to the colder weather so it’s nice. He rarely gets to indulge in something as simple as eating snacks near the river with his friends. Even when he was a rookie, he wasn’t able to.

“I don’t like ducks,” he comments when Kyungsoo points them out, trying not to whine when the younger male laughs at him.

“Why?” he snorts out, chewing on his food and looking out towards the water.

“They’re mean,” he defends, shaking his head and sipping on his hot chocolate. “I had a duck chase me when I was little.”

He sighs when Kyungsoo starts _laughing_ at him, rolling his eyes and playfully shoving him on the arm. He looks out at the water and shivers a little at the wind picking up, scooting closer towards Kyungsoo and fighting the urge to put his arm around him. He’s still in public, he reminds himself.

“So why are you working at the hotel?” he questions, wanting to find out what Kyungsoo has been doing the last couple of years. He’s curious, wondering what normal people his age do.

“Seungsoo wanted me to be in the city with him, it’s not a permanent thing,” Kyungsoo replies quietly, pursing his lips a bit before taking another bite of his food.

“Oh, what were you doing before that?” he asks, finishing his drink and holding onto his cup.

“Living with my grandpa, but I don’t want to talk about that,” Kyungsoo rushes out, stuffing his face with more food and frowning as he chews.

“Sorry,” he apologizes, knowing it’s probably not something he wants to be brought up. “Did you go to university?” he questions, hoping to immediately change the subject, not wanting to upset the younger male.

“No, I just lived with my grandpa. I helped with his chickens, that’s about it,” Kyungsoo shares, so he nods his head, unsure what to say when Kyungsoo isn’t telling him much.

“Chickens are scary too,” he mumbles, smiling as he watches Kyungsoo starts laughing at him.

“You probably couldn’t handle taking care of them. They peck at you if they know you’re scared.”

Jongin gapes a little, shivering at the thought. “That sounds terrifying,” he comments, knowing he would probably have a panic attack if he had to mess with chickens.

“It’s not so bad. A child could do it,” Kyungsoo shares, shrugging and finishing up his snack.

“Are you making fun of me?” he accuses, shoving Kyungsoo on the arm again when he just shrugs. He shakes his head a little before going completely still when Kyungsoo moves to hold onto his arm, telling himself not to freak out over it.

“The water is really pretty. I don’t get to see the water that often,” Kyungsoo shares, so he nods his head. “Do you come here a lot?” Kyungsoo questions, looking up at him and Jongin’s brain does that thing again where it refuses to function properly.

The younger male has no business looking as good as he does, especially in a romantic setting like this. His heart just starts beating way too fast and he’s really got to ask Sehun if that’s normal. When Kyungsoo shakes his arm a little he snaps out of it, clearing his throat and shaking his head.

“Hardly. I never have the time or when I do, I’m too tired. My dorm isn’t that far but I get shuffled around a lot for schedules,” he confesses, knowing that his popularity skyrocketed way more quickly than the company was prepared for.

Sure, he always has work and has the opportunity to do a lot more than his labelmates that haven’t quite made a name for themselves yet. But with all that fame comes the baggage of not being able to do normal things like go to the park without someone recognizing you. He hates how paranoid he feels just having Kyungsoo hold his arm.

“Do you like it?” Kyungsoo questions, making him frown a little. “Being a singer, I mean. You have a lot of fans and the girls at work said you won a really big award last year. You’re really popular,” he rambles on for a while before shrugging. “You must be really happy.”

Jongin almost laughs but doesn’t. He doesn’t want to seem ungrateful, because he’s far from it. It’s just, he doesn’t think he is happy anymore. He wants normal things like having a nine to five job and getting to sleep in on weekends and, well, have a _boyfriend_. The thought of being unhappy just has him conflicted, wondering if he should even be allowed to say it out loud. There are tons of people that would kill to be where he’s at right now in his career. He feels like he’s taking it for granted by saying he’s miserable.

“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” he replies, hating how well rehearsed and fake it sounds to him.

“Do people give you free stuff because they recognize you?” Kyungsoo questions curiously, making him snort.

“How do you think I got your food?” he jokes, which as the younger male laughing and curling towards him and they sit like that for a while before Kyungsoo speaks up again.

“Everything worked out how it was supposed to,” Kyungsoo says quietly, making him frown a little.

“What do you mean?” he questions, not understanding.

“It was inevitable I guess,” Kyungsoo comments after a while, letting go of his arm and making him confused. “You were always popular in school, everyone loved you. So, it makes sense that now more people love you. You were always meant to be a star, even if you had never moved. It would have happened anyways. I guess that’s what I’m saying.”

Jongin doesn’t know why it upsets him, but it does. Even if he never moved away, he probably would have still managed to debut. If he had to do it all over again, he knows he would have made other choices. But seventeen-year-old Kim Jongin _wanted_ to be where he is now. He doesn’t think he would have many a different choice back then. Unless…

“Did _you_?” he questions hesitantly, knowing he should probably not set himself up to get his feelings hurt, but he wants to know.

“Did I what?” Kyungsoo questions, turning to look at him in confusion and Jongin hesitates even more, swallowing thickly as he feels himself start to chicken out. But he won’t know if he never asks. So, he takes a deep breath before asking what he wants to ask.

“When we were younger. Did you love me?” he clarifies, watching Kyungsoo’s face for a reaction and getting even more nervous when the younger male immediately looks away.

He doesn’t say anything for a while, just stares at the river and bites his lip. Jongin wishes he didn’t feel so completely anxious, wondering if he should have just moved on, asked him about the chickens some more or literally _anything_ else. It was a stupid thing to ask, because why would Kyungsoo have loved him back then? After how he treated him.

Kyungsoo slowly smiles though, making his heart start doing weird things in his chest at that little ounce of hope he starts to feel.

“I’ve always been in love with you,” Kyungsoo admits quietly, which is all the push he needs to just _not care_ if he’s in public anymore.

He leans downwards and kisses him, not caring that he’s in the middle of the park where random people can pass by and see them. He only cares about Kyungsoo and how he’s so in love with the younger male he can’t function properly. Nothing has ever made him as happy as he is and he doesn’t think anything or anyone else ever will. Kyungsoo makes him happy and he’s sure as hell not willing to give that up just yet.

He only pulls away when he feels a big fat raindrop fall onto his face, looking up at the sky and watching as it starts to steady rain. He sheepishly looks down at Kyungsoo who reaches out and uses his sleeve to wipe his face before it starts to really pour down on them.

He rushes to get up and they quickly run back to his car, completely soaked by the time he gets it unlocked and they both usher themselves in.

Jongin shakes his hair out and winces a little when Kyungsoo sneezes loudly. He really should have checked the weather, because now they’re both soaking wet and he’s probably going to get Kyungsoo sick all over again.

“My dorm is nearby,” he says quietly, not wanting to imply anything, but he’s not sure he’ll be able to keep his hands to himself if he gives Kyungsoo a change of his own clothes. “We could, hang out, while your clothes dry,” he adds on, fidgeting with the car keys.

“You want to _just_ hang out?” Kyungsoo questions, making him immediately flush.

“We don’t have to do anything! I wasn’t trying to say that we could dry your clothes at my dorm before I take you home. I mean if you want to, we could, but we don’t have to! It doesn’t have to be anything other than what is has been. I know you need to be home by ten,” he explains, slowly starting to feel like an idiot the more time it takes for Kyungsoo to say something.

He’s about to start apologizing for apparently ruining their night _completely_ when Kyungsoo finally speaks up.

“I can stay out a little bit later,” Kyungsoo replies, making him slowly nod his head, nervously putting the keys into the ignition and then heading back to his dorm.

\--

Jongin hesitates in front of the door, knowing he probably shouldn’t have just shown up like this, but Kyungsoo isn’t answering his phone calls. He hopes its because he’s busy or even because he’s sick, and not because he’s avoiding him, but he can’t just sit still at his dorm worrying. The younger male leaving his jacket behind ends up being his excuse to even be there right now, to try and figure out what he possibly could have done last night.

Maybe he rushed it, bringing Kyungsoo back to his dorm. Maybe he should have waited, actually made Kyungsoo his boyfriend first. That’s where he managed to screw up last time, not putting a label on their relationship. He should have kept his hands to himself until he said what he wanted to say, confess everything he’s just been bottling up this entire time. He can’t function around Kyungsoo though, his brain just doesn’t allow him to slow down when it comes to the younger male.

He takes a deep breath before he knocks on the door, hoping it’s the right one and that his memory isn’t that horrible. He really doesn’t know what he will actually do if he’s knocking on the wrong apartment door but doesn’t get to dwell on it before he hears the lock turning and the door is opening up.

He doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath until he feels himself exhale in relief seeing that its Seungsoo, the elder looking genuinely confused and Jongin feels more than embarrassed now for just showing up.

“_Jongin_?” Seungsoo questions, looking at him with this paranoid look in his eyes that doesn’t settle well with him. If anything, it makes him feel worse and just confirms he must have done _something_ wrong.

“Sorry, um, I tried calling Kyungsoo and he didn’t answer, and he won’t reply to my texts and,” he starts to explain, telling himself to take a deep breath when he realizes how quickly he’s talking. “He forgot his jacket last night and I just wanted to make sure he had it,” he explains a little bit slower, hesitantly handing it over to Seungsoo who stands still for a while before snapping out of it and taking it from him.

“Oh, thank you, he was looking for it this morning,” Seungsoo replies, giving him a tight smile that just has him feeling more than anxious.

“Is he here right now?” he questions hesitantly, biting his lip and watching as Seungsoo slowly shakes his head and starts frowning.

“No, he had an errand to run. His phone is probably on silent right now,” Seungsoo explains and normally that would be enough of an excuse to have him feeling better, not so anxious, but it doesn’t. Not when Seungsoo looks like he rather be anywhere else right now.

“He’s not upset with me, is he? It’s just he left before I woke up and I didn’t get to tell him that um,” he sighs out, pausing as he starts to finish what he was going to say when he sees a tiny _bunny_ hopping its way towards them.

He blinks stupidly, honestly confused seeing it in the first place but also surprised because he didn’t realize they could hop so _fast_. He smiles, bending down and probably confusing Seungsoo who turns just in time to see the tiny thing running up to them. He snorts a little when the elder makes a surprised yelp, watching as the rabbit stops when it gets close enough and just sits there. Its little whiskers move around as it sniffs at him when he holds a hand out, making him laugh.

“Hi,” he greets it, wondering why Kyungsoo didn’t mention he had a pet bunny, when he hears a voice.

“Holly!” a little voice shouts, so he looks up, watching as a boy no older than four or five comes running into the hallway before coming to a complete halt when he spots him.

Jongin stares in confusion, watching as the little boy looks at him with wide eyes, and then looks down at the bunny before rushing over and immediately hiding behind Seungsoo’s legs. Jongin awkwardly picks the bunny up and then looks at Seungsoo, not sure what to say. The little boy is obviously shy, completely hiding his face behind Seungsoo’s leg and peeking out _once_ before hiding again and whining.

“Jongin,” Seungsoo speaks up but he’s too busy staring, wondering why he feels nervous. It’s just a _kid_, he shouldn’t be nervous.

He slowly walks over and bends down a little bit, watching as the little boy clings to Seungsoo’s legs even tighter, making him put on his best smile.

“Is this your bunny?” he questions softly, watching as the little boy pokes an eye out from behind the elder’s legs and eyes him skeptically before quickly nods his head. “She’s really pretty,” he compliments, holding the rabbit out towards the boy who hesitantly moves away from Seungsoo and reaches out to take her back before scooting away, still looking at him wearily.

“Thank you,” he whispers out, clinging to the bunny who just sits in the boy’s hands patiently, nose twitching every now and then.

Jongin stands back up and moves to give him space, watching as the boy continues to eye him. Jongin gets an eerie sense of déjà vu when the boy’s nose scrunches up a little, before he’s moving to tug on Seungsoo’s pants.

“Uncle Seungsoo, who is that?” the little boy whispers, making his blood turn cold.

He feels himself gape, turning to look at Seungsoo and wishing he didn’t see the look that he has on his face. Jongin tries to just _breathe_, brain racing as he takes in that single sentence from the little boy who is now being ushered towards the end of the hallway by his _uncle_. Seungsoo only has one sibling and Jongin feels sick to his stomach.

“Jongin,” Seungsoo says quietly, nothing but guilt on his face that has him forcing himself to remember to _breathe_, lungs feeling like they’re on fire.

“How old is he?” he manages to get out, his voice cracking as he tries his best not to start having a meltdown in the middle of the hallway.

“We should to sit down,” Seungsoo replies softly, beckoning him inside the apartment.

Jongin’s never felt like his entire world was falling apart, but he’s pretty sure this is how it feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you may hate kyungsoo but not as much as kyungsoo hates himself ! thats all i gotta say ajksldjkslajkl SORRYYYYYY


	11. 2017 part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...it pours

Kyungsoo slowly walks up the small steps to the columbarium, taking off his hood and wiping his feet as he makes it indoors. It’s quiet inside and a little cold, but that may just be from the constant rain. He hasn’t been there before, having avoided this place for months. He couldn’t bring himself to visit, knowing he wasn’t ready yet. He still might not be, but he misses his grandpa and he doesn’t know what to do.

He bites his lip as he slowly walks around, knowing where his grandfather’s urn is placed since Seungsoo told him where it would be and that it’s not hard to find. His whole chest feels tight as he eventually comes to a stop, letting out a shaky breath as he moves to sit down. His grandfather is on a lower shelf, his urn in the middle with an older picture of him from when he was in his early twenties to the left and a more current picture of him holding Dooyoung to the right.

Kyungsoo hesitantly reaches out and touches the glass, not knowing what he was expecting coming here. He knew it would be hard, but he didn’t think he would feel everything rush at him at once all over again. It doesn’t take much to get him to start crying, trying to stop because he knows his grandpa wouldn’t want him to, but he can’t help it. Not when everything is so messed up.

He doesn’t know how long he cries for before he wears himself out, wiping at his eyes and sniffling as he tries to catch his breath. He lets out a tired sigh when he feels himself want to cry all over again, trying to hold it in when he feels someone touch his shoulder, making him look up in confused.

“_Dad?_” he croaks out, getting up off the floor and just standing there, too stupefied to say anything else, trying to calm himself down so he doesn’t look as pathetic as he feels.

He watches as the elder slowly moves forward before he pulls him into a hug, making him go rigid before he slowly relaxes and moves to hug him back. Everything hits him all over again and he just cries into his father’s coat, unable to stop. His dad didn’t hug him when he dropped him off at his grandpa’s house when he was pregnant with Dooyoung. He didn’t hug him after his grandpa passed. He can’t remember the last time his dad hugged him and it just makes him cry even harder.

He’s hugging him now though, tight enough that he feels himself slowly start to come down from whatever panic he was in, breathing evening out as the elder hums a tune that brings back old memories hidden in the crevices of his brain.

Growing up in a wealthy family, his parents were barely home, and it was up to the housekeeper to take care of him before he started school. He didn’t like it though, always wanting to be with his parents and usually crying at night because he knew they would end up leaving in the morning without him. The only thing that ever calmed him down was when his dad would stay up with him and just hold him, humming a lullaby that he heard his grandpa sing thousands of times for Dooyoung when it was too much for him to handle.

His relationship with his parents has always been strained, growing up and seeing your teachers more than your mom or dad, that was inevitable. His mom always acted like she never wanted children in the first place. It was an expectation that she have them though, considering how she was brought up. Kyungsoo supposes that if he wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, he may have had the same lifestyle forced onto him too.

He doesn’t know if whatever he’s doing with his life now is better, knowing he was forced to give up a lot of things, including whatever relationship he had with his parents but at least he has Dooyoung. It hits him that because of him though, Dooyoung won’t have a relationship at all with Jongin, making him cry harder. He wishes he could have tried harder.

When he finally calms down, he and his dad move to go outside, sitting on one of the benches that overlooks the rest of the cemetery. Its gloomy weather, still lightly drizzling with enough clouds blocking out the sun so that it remains dreary looking. It’s peaceful though, the smell from the fresh rain allowing him to just _breathe_ for the first time in months.

Kyungsoo lets out a deep breath, wiping his eyes with his sleeve and sniffling a little. He’s still not over his cold and he’s probably going to get sick all over again at this rate. He just needed a moment though, just a moment with no one around, no one needing him, no expectations. He looks over at his dad and watches him for a while, the elder just staring out at the greenery in silence.

He looks older, more wrinkles around his eyes and a little more grey in his hair since the last time he saw him. He wonders if he’s doing okay but isn’t sure how to ask anymore. He doesn’t think he ever knew how to talk to him in the first place. He can’t recall the last time he actually just talked with his dad.

“Grandpa left me the house,” he speaks up, wondering if the elder already knew and by the lack of surprise he gets, he assumes so. “I’m not ready to go back home, but I think I don’t have a choice anymore,” he adds on, turning to stare out at the trees in the distance and taking a deep breath.

“Why is that?” his dad questions calmly, reminding him a little of his grandpa when he spares him another glance. For a second, he can see the similarities, although he knows his dad favors his grandmother who passed way before he could remember her.

“I ran into Kim Jongin,” he says shakily, rubbing his hands on his pants nervously before gripping them tightly, scared. He hasn’t told a single person about Jongin on his own will. Seungsoo only found out because he’s too perceptive for his own good sometimes. He kept this from his parents for years, he’s not sure how it will sound coming out of his mouth now.

“He’s Dooyoung’s dad, I’m sorry I never told you,” he apologizes, not really that apologetic because it wouldn’t have made a difference. They still would have sent him away. “I never told him. I can’t tell him. So, I don’t think I can stay here anymore,” he sighs out tiredly, exhausted.

He sniffles as he moves to rub at his eyes, forcing himself not to start crying all over again. He’s so _tired_ of crying and feeling sad. He just wants things to go back to how they were before. He’s tired of worrying and feeling anxious every second Jongin remains oblivious to being Dooyoung’s dad. He’s just _tired_.

“Why not?” his dad eventually questions, surprising him enough that he doesn’t know what to say at first.

“Because, he’s some ridiculous idol,” he replies exasperatedly, shaking his head and not believing his dad doesn’t just understand. “He’d probably get in trouble and end up jobless. It would be a shit show,” he huffs out, frowning when his dad has the audacity to just laugh. “I’m serious! I don’t want Dooyoung anywhere near a camera, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like some sort of circus attraction,” he emphasizes, shaking his head and letting out a tired puff of air.

He stares out at the rest of the cemetery, shivering a little when a light breeze starts up again and he can hear thunder in the distance. He should be getting home soon, knowing he promised Seungsoo he wouldn’t be gone that long. He should honestly still be in bed, trying to shake off the cold he has that won’t just go away.

“When you told us you were pregnant, I didn’t know what to do,” his dad speaks up softly, making him turn his attention back to the elder who keeps his gaze trained on the clouds. “Your mother wanted you to go live with your great aunt in the states. She was pretty set on it, even bought the plane ticket. I managed to convince her that you would be better off here, with your grandfather.”

Kyungsoo nods his head, letting his dad know that he’s still listening, surprised that he’s telling him this at all. He knows he put them through hell when he finally told them he was pregnant and then refused to tell them who the father was. His mother spent a good week or so completely unable to look at him. He never caused trouble, always did his best at school and to please them enough. When he told them, he knew it crushed them.

“The way the people we have to be around talk, I knew it was for the best. I was never ashamed of you,” his dad confesses, making him sit there silently in shock. “You’re my son and I love you. I know it may not have seemed like it back then, it only felt like I was sending you away, but I did it because I knew it was for the best. Sometimes as a parent you try to do what you think is best, but we make mistakes and hurt people in the process. I only wanted you to be safe and to be able to live without worrying about what other people thought. If I could go back and change things, I would, but life doesn’t let you go backwards.”

“I wish you could though,” he says quietly, smiling a little when his dad grabs a hold of his hand and gives it a little squeeze. “I don’t know if I did the right thing. I think I just made things worse.”

“Even if you did, I know you’ll figure it out.”

Kyungsoo sighs and nods his head, knowing that no matter what ends up happening, he can get through it. If he could get through picking up his entire life and moving once, he can do it again. He just doesn’t want to. He wants Dooyoung to have two dads, to actually have someone to fall asleep next to and wake up to, because last night meant everything to him.

Jongin never stayed over back then, he couldn’t. He grew to dread when Jongin would get up and mumble about needing to make sure he was home before someone noticed he was missing. It seems horribly ironic that Kyungsoo left as soon as he could this morning, not even bothering for the elder to wake up.

He doesn’t know where he goes from here, everything seeming so messed up that he doesn’t know where to even begin to try and fix it. He’s not sure he _can_ fix it.

“It’ll be okay,” his dad says, and Kyungsoo just nods his head, wanting to believe it.

\--

In retrospect, things just don’t suddenly fall apart, it’s a gradual process. You don’t see it until it all blows up in your face though, until its glaringly obvious and you’re left to deal with it. One tiny decision can start a slow chain reaction that can take years to build up into chaos. But all it takes is one single thought, or a lack of one, to make you end up somewhere you thought you’d never be some five plus years later.

Maybe if Jongin had realized how incredibly oblivious he was back when he was younger, then this wouldn’t be such a surprise. He was a stupid teenager who didn’t think about consequences, just _acted_. If the boy he had been secretly crushing on confessed, he acted, he didn’t think. He kissed him and that was that. Much like everything he did that led him to where he is now, an idol wanting out because he thinks he made a mistake, he didn’t think it through. He didn’t think what sleeping with someone could lead to.

The past week there were probably plenty of signs that things weren’t adding up, something wasn’t quite right. There was something out of place he should have noticed. He shouldn’t have been focused on how _happy_ he was. Nothing good ever comes from letting yourself think you’re _finally_ happy. He shouldn’t have been that naïve to think that in the first place.

He’s past the point of pacing anxiously in Seungsoo’s living room, unable to move from his spot near the fireplace where there are five silver picture frames lined up on the mantle. His breathing has finally calmed down from feeling like he’s just ended a three-hour long concert, but his lungs still feel like they’re on fire as he stares.

He hesitantly reaches out and moves to grab one that looks a bit older, probably taken with a throw away camera since it’s not completely in focus. It’s in the countryside with an older modeled home in the background while three people sit on the porch steps. The eldest is presumably Kyungsoo’s grandpa, a teenage Kyungsoo sitting next to him in a pair of overalls that look older than him, and a _baby_ in his lap that can’t be older than a year or two.

“Can I get you something to drink?” Seungsoo questions, snapping him out of his thoughts and making him look over at the elder standing near the hallway. “I’m heating up water for tea. We have pretty much any kind you can think of.”

Jongin shakes his head mutely, watching as the elder fidgets a bit with the sleeves on his shirt before nodding his head and going back to tend to the kettle that’s whistling on the stove. When he’s gone, he moves to set the picture frame back on the mantle, not wanting to look at it any longer.

He’s not stupid, although he knows he can be naïve and oblivious to things around him at times, his focus elsewhere. He’s never been stupid enough not to connect all the dots when they’re all lined up in front of him. He wishes he were though, then maybe he wouldn’t feel so incredibly mad with himself, upset at Kyungsoo, sad for not knowing until _now_, completely _heartbroken_ over everything.

“He’s five years old, Dooyoung. His name is Dooyoung. He’ll turn six in November,” Seungsoo shares once he comes back into the living room, a small mug in his hands that’s still steaming.

Jongin nods his head once, feeling lightheaded as he moves to go sit on the couch, trying to keep his breathing even. He closes his eyes and rests his arms on the top of his thighs, just trying to keep it together and _breathe_. That’s all he can focus on right now. He doesn’t need to focus on how all this time he’s had a son out there he didn’t even know about. How he wouldn’t have known about him if he hadn’t run into Kyungsoo at the hotel.

“I’m going to take him to get dessert somewhere when Kyungsoo gets back, so you two can talk. He should be home soon I think,” Seungsoo shares nervously, leg twitching a little as he sits in his chair near the fake Christmas tree they have yet to take down.

Jongin can only nod his head, sitting in silence and wondering how he managed to let himself end up here in the first place.

\--

Kyungsoo tiredly walks into the apartment, toeing off his shoes and hanging his coat on the rack. He sniffles a little and rubs his nose, walking into the hallway and tiredly looking up only to spot Seungsoo. He frowns a little at the worried expression on the elder’s face, wanting to deflate because he’s _tired_ and doesn’t feel well enough to deal with anything right now. He just wants to go lie down and hug onto Dooyoung until he feels better.

“Hyung, I don’t feel well,” he starts to excuse, watching as the elder briefly glances into the living room and then back at him.

“Don’t hate me,” Seungsoo says quietly, confusing him into walking further into the apartment and slowly looking over and going completely still when he spots _Kim Jongin_ standing near the tree they still haven’t taken down.

Kyungsoo stops breathing entirely, joints going stiff realizing that Jongin is here. In the _apartment_, sitting on the couch and staring down at his mug. When Jongin finally looks up and spots him his whole demeanor changes from relaxed to completely guarded, a blank look on his face he’s never seen before.

He can’t stomach the look the elder is giving him, immediately turning to his brother and wanting to _yell_ at him for letting Jongin into the apartment. He can’t though, knowing it’s not his brother’s fault but still wanting to blame someone, anyone other than himself.

“He was just returning your jacket and well,” Seungsoo says quietly before he gets cut off by Dooyoung who is completely oblivious to the situation and comes running up to him.

“Daddy! Uncle Seungsoo is taking me to go get dessert!” Dooyoung informs him quickly, already dressed in his coat and mittens.

Kyungsoo forces a smile on his face, looking up at Seungsoo for a better explanation, forcing himself not to look over at Jongin. He doesn’t want to face that reality yet, wishing he could turn around and completely restart his entire morning. Restart this entire year.

“You two should talk, alone,” Seungsoo replies quietly once he’s told Dooyoung to go put on his shoes. “We’ll leave and come back when you’re done.”

All Kyungsoo can do is nod, taking a deep breath before turning around and going towards Dooyoung and helping him with his shoes. He wants to cry, but sucks it up, knowing the last thing he needs is for his five-year-old to worry about him or about what’s going on.

“Can I get hot chocolate?” Dooyoung questions him, so he immediately nods his head, smiling as he fixes his hair and makes sure his coat is zipped all the way up.

“Make sure you listen to Uncle, okay? Don’t let go of his hand,” he says softly, getting a nod from the boy before he reaches out and moves to hug him.

“Yes, daddy,” Dooyoung replies, nodding his head before giving him a kiss on the cheek and then moving to grab Seungsoo’s hand.

“I’ll call you later, okay?” Seungsoo comments, so he smiles and nods, trying to remain calm long enough for Dooyoung to leave.

He moves to lock the door after they head out, taking a deep breath before turning around and slowly making his way back to the living room. He fidgets with his hands as he walks into the room, hesitating to say anything. He doesn’t know _what_ he can even say at this point. Jongin isn’t an idiot. He wouldn’t have stayed waiting for him if he were.

“How long have you been waiting?” he questions quietly, not knowing how long he’s even been gone from the apartment or when Jongin showed up in the first place. He honestly has no idea what time it even is, what meal he managed to skip out on today.

“Is that really the first thing you want to ask me?” Jongin questions sternly, making him even more nervous than he already was. He’s never seen Jongin mad before, let alone mad at _him_. He deserves it, but he doesn’t think he was really prepared for it.

“No,” he replies shakily, willing his hands to stay still and for his heart to calm down. He hasn’t even begun to try and explain himself and he already feels himself on the edge of another breakdown. “I can explain everything,” he rushes out, backing up when Jongin stands up from the couch and eyeing him worriedly.

“Then go ahead. Explain,” the elder replies, his tone leaving no room to even try and argue or weasel his way out of the situation to prolong the inevitable.

There’s no more hiding now. This is where everything comes crashing down around him, no matter what he says.

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath, looking at the elder and knowing what he has to do, what he needs to do. It doesn’t make it any easier though, doesn’t save him from feeling his heart break into a million little pieces all over again knowing what he has to do.

“A couple of weeks after you moved away, I found out I was pregnant,” he says shakily, fighting back his tears because he can’t cry now. If he starts to cry, he won’t be able to stop and explain himself. Jongin deserves at least an explanation, after everything, he owes him at least that. “I tried to call you, I really did but you never answered and then your number wasn’t in service. I didn’t know what to do and when I told my parents they made me go live with my grandpa.”

He pauses when Jongin doesn’t say anything, watching the elders face and just wanting to reach out and hold his hand but he doesn’t. Jongin’s entire demeanor is closed off to him, arms crossed over his chest and the expression he has on just breaks his heart even more than he thought it would. Kyungsoo can’t help but hate himself, truly hate himself for this.

“Your parents,” Jongin accuses, making him immediately shake his head.

“No, they didn’t know, Jongin I didn’t tell them, I _couldn’t_ tell them,” he rushes out, making the mistake of moving towards the elder and immediately making Jongin move _away_ from him. “I couldn’t tell them. They wouldn’t have believed me. I didn’t tell anyone, Seungsoo didn’t know until now, I never told anyone. I never wanted to tell anyone but _you_,” he chokes out, sucking in a deep breath and holding it in, only letting it out when Jongin scoffs at him.

“You never planned on telling me,” Jongin accuses loudly, making him fight back his tears because he deserves it. He deserves for Jongin to be mad at him, if the circumstances were switched, he knows he would want to yell too. He can only stand there and take it.

“I did,” he says weakly, knowing it’s a lie, Jongin knows it’s a lie. “At first, I did, I _swear_, Jongin. I _really_ tried. I did, I bought your album and I went to your fansign and I was going to tell you there, I had a picture and a note but I had to leave, you _have_ to believe me,” he pleads desperately, just wanting Jongin to believe _that_ if anything else. The look on his face says he doesn’t believe him at all.

“Why the hell would I believe you when all you’ve done this week is lie to my face?” Jongin questions angrily, making him flinch back and just stand there, unable to defend himself. “This _entire_ week you could have told me, instead you lied to me and led me on, and I fell for it like an _idiot_.”

“I didn’t mean to,” he says quietly, but Jongin doesn’t hear it.

“Last night, you could have said _something_,” Jongin chokes out, looking like he’s holding back tears. “I spent all this time wanting to see you again, feeling like shit that I couldn’t call you and all this time we had a _kid_ and you didn’t think for one second that I _deserved_ to know. I can forgive you for not telling me then, but I can’t forgive you for not telling me now,” the elder accuses, shaking his head and grabbing his coat, making him panic.

“Wait, Jongin, I can explain,” he rushes out, moving to chase after the elder and grabbing his arm before he can get to door. “I’m so _sorry_, I was so scared that you would hate me, please I love you and I’m so sorry, _please_,” he cries, clinging to the elder’s arm and only crying harder when Jongin pries him off.

“I _hate_ you,” Jongin replies, making him immediately drop his hand, unable to stop himself from crying now. “I _never_ want to see you again. I hate you so much,” Jongin bites out, shaking his head before unlocking the door and slamming it shut behind him and leaving him feeling completely broken.

He can only stand there in silence before he snaps out of it, immediately going towards his and Dooyoung’s shared room and grabbing the suitcase form the closet. He doesn’t know if running away will make anything better, but he can’t stay there anymore. He needs to get as far away from Kim Jongin as possible and this time forget about him for good.

But its easier said than done and in a moment of panic he moves to grab his phone from his pocket, immediately calling the elder and willing him to answer. The first call rings until it goes to voicemail and then the second time he’s met with an automated message saying the person is no longer available. He tries again before chucking the phone at the wall and finally allowing himself to just cry, curling up on the floor and hating himself for thinking he could have what he wanted.

\--

Kyungsoo watches the rain hit against the car window in silence, looking at all the greenery the car passes and being comforted as he finally starts to recognize everything. Everything is still so green out in the countryside, even during the middle of winter. He looks down at his lap where Dooyoung is fast asleep, curled up and covered with his coat, and smiles.

The sun is starting to set and by the time they get to the house and finish unloading all their bags, it’ll probably be too late for Seungsoo to make his way back to the city. He really hopes the elder just spends the night, knowing he won’t be able to fall asleep peacefully tonight of all nights. The first night back in the house, away from the city, away from Jongin. Jongin who _hates_ him. Jongin who won’t answer his calls anymore.

Kyungsoo always told himself that Jongin would hate him, but he doesn’t think he ever truly believed it until today. Seeing Jongin that upset, hearing him say it out loud, he doesn’t think he’ll get over it. He thought he could handle it but all he’s managed to do is run away from it. Get as far away as possible from the elder and go back home where he knows he won’t ever have to see him again.

“We should stop in town and eat before we get to the house. You’ll need to get some groceries,” Seungsoo speaks up, making him look at the rearview mirror where his brother is looking back.

“I’m not hungry,” he replies quietly, not remembering the last time he ate but his stomach doesn’t feel empty. He doesn’t feel hungry, he doesn’t feel like crying anymore, he just feels completely and utterly numb.

“Dooyoung will need to eat dinner. _You_ still need to eat,” Seungsoo replies but then doesn’t say anything else.

He moves to grab his cellphone from his pocket and unlocks the screen, seeing the lack of service but that doesn’t matter. He goes to his messages and hesitates before tapping on Jongin’s name. He doesn’t have the heart to scroll through the past messages, only looking at the automated message telling him that he can no longer contact the number listed.

It brings him back to when he was still a teenager, feeling the same pain in his chest over it but this time it’s not because Jongin just changed his number. This time it’s different, Jongin chose to do this, completely cut him off. Kyungsoo wishes that after everything he could just hate him for it, but he doesn’t.

He takes a deep breath before clicking on the little icon next to the number and hovering over the _block contact_ option, hesitating before closing his eyes as he taps on it. He lets himself have a moment before he deletes the entire conversation and then finally moves to delete the number, knowing its for the best. He doesn’t need it on his phone anymore.

The past week was just a stupid mistake he shouldn’t have let happen. He just needs to forget about it and go back to living his life without Kim Jongin in it. He has to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬


	12. 2017 part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> welcome home

The apartment is freezing but Jongin can’t be bothered to get up from his spot on the couch to go turn the heater up. He just tightens his hold on the blanket on top of him and only pulls it up higher. He has the television on, but he honestly doesn’t know what’s playing anymore, having been confined to the couch for who knows how long. He’s not even sure what day it is anymore, or what meal he’s managed to skip by just drinking whatever leftover soda and beer was in his fridge from the last time he had his friends over.

He hears his phone vibrating on the coffee table but ignores it, much like he’s done since he managed to get himself home in one piece. He hasn’t even wanted to look at his phone, not wanting to deal with anyone or anything. He doesn’t even know where to begin to try and process everything that’s happened the past few days.

He just wants to sleep and pretend it never happened. He pulls his blanket over his head and takes a deep breath, trying not to cry for the umpteenth time that day and only stopping himself because someone is _knocking_ at his door. He slowly gets up from his spot, leaving his blanket and dragging himself over towards his door tiredly.

He checks the security camera before frowning, letting out a tired sigh as he unlocks the door and lets his manager inside.

“What are you doing here?” he sighs out, shaking his head as he goes back to mope on the couch, not caring if the elder sees how much of a mess the place is.

“It’s _Wednesday_, I told you we were meeting with the higher ups today about your contract renewal. I’ve been calling you all morning, now we’re going to be _late_ because you look like a mess and need to shower. When was the last time you cleaned this place?”

Jongin suppresses a groan, rubbing his face as he moves to grab his phone and sees that it _is_ already Wednesday and that he has loads of unread messages that he chooses to ignore for now. He completely forgot about how he was supposed to talk about his contract renewal today. He can’t even think about some stupid contract right now, not wanting to deal with it but knowing he doesn’t have a choice. The higher ups in the company aren’t the kind you can reschedule on, especially _not_ when they hold your entire career in their hands.

“I’ll be quick,” he mutters, ignoring how the elder immediately starts cleaning up his mess for him as he goes towards his room.

Jongin pauses as he walks towards the bed, not having the nerve to actually sleep in it yet. He takes a deep breath before shaking his head, grabbing the sheets off along with his comforter and moving to throw it in his dirty clothes hamper. He’ll deal with laundry when he gets back later tonight. In the meantime, he grabs nice enough clothes and goes straight towards his bathroom, tiredly hopping in the shower and feeling like he could pass out from the heat and steam from the hot water.

He does make sure to be quick like he promised, getting out of the shower once he’s clean enough and then starts to get dressed. He winces when he finally manages the get a good look at himself in the mirror, not realizing how bad he looked. His eyes are dark with lack of sleep and he looks too pale for his liking. Definitely not the look he should be sporting today of all days, but he doesn’t have time to go to a salon and get fixed up. He’ll just have to deal with looking like a hungover college student.

What’s worse is that he _feels_ as bad as he looks, his eyes burn with the want to cry again but he forces it down. He closes his eyes and just _breathes_, listening to the air vent and just inhales slowly before exhaling. He can’t afford to just stop his entire life over something he should be able to. If he weren’t Kai, he could afford to sort his life out, figure out what he’s supposed to do going forward.

He’s still an idol though, regardless of whether or not he has to go perform or not. To his company he’s still _Kai_ and he can’t afford to be Jongin today. No matter how much he wants to just lock himself in the bathroom and refuse to leave until he doesn’t feel on the verge of a panic attack. He can’t. So, he sucks it up, just like he always does and exits the bathroom and meets his manager in the hallway.

“Jongin, seriously, are you alright?”

“I’m fine, hyung,” he replies instantly, forcing a smile on his face and then moving to grab a coat from the rack near the front door. “Just didn’t sleep well last night. It’s nothing to worry about,” he excuses automatically, grabbing his phone and keys before heading towards the door.

He listens attentively to the elder who starts talking about who will be at the meeting and that it won’t be that long, maybe they can grab lunch afterwards. It’s only the first of probably plenty of meetings regarding his contract expiring by the end of the summer. If he hadn’t been so busy with constant back to back schedules, he’s sure he would have already had these sorts of meetings already. From what he’s heard there’s usually a couple of rounds of negotiating.

Now that he’s actually _worth_ something to the company though, it’ll be them trying to keep him from what Taemin has managed to tell him the few times he’s brought it up. He can’t even think of anything he wants at the moment, at least anything he can tell them. He tries not to think about it, but he can’t help it, forcing himself to not start crying in his managers car by rubbing his eyes forcefully.

He has a _kid_, a five-year-old little boy and he didn’t even _know_. He can’t get over it and it’s the only thing he’s been able to think of for the past couple of days. No matter what he does, everything all goes back to seeing that little boy standing near Seungsoo and looking completely confused as to who he even was.

The past five years he had no idea. He was just living his life, going from schedule to schedule and growing even more miserable meanwhile Kyungsoo was off raising their son. Jongin can’t help but feel completely robbed. Not just of even knowing he had a son to begin with, but a completely different life he could have been living instead.

If he had known about a baby he _never_ would have gone to that stupid audition, no matter what his dad promised him. He could have been with Kyungsoo and with Dooyoung and not stuck in career that is slowly eating away at him. He didn’t know though, instead he was just living his life in complete ignorance.

He doesn’t even know what the hell he’s supposed to do, now that he knows. He can’t just walk into the company and tell them he has a secret five-year-old kid. They would sue him to the moon and back and he’d walk away with absolutely nothing but the shirt on his back. He doesn’t even want to think about what his fans would say if they found out, feeling nauseated at the thought.

It terrifies him thinking about what they would say or what they would do. He already knows what people online are capable of, having to learn to just have thick skin when it came to what people would post online. It doesn’t matter if you do everything right, there are people that are still going to hate you and say ugly things online. Jongin doesn’t really care anymore, he could care less about what anyone online says about him anymore.

This is different though. They wouldn’t just be talking about him, they would be talking about Kyungsoo, about their _kid_. He can’t handle that. He can’t stomach the thought of anyone saying anything about Kyungsoo, let alone their son.

“Jongin, seriously. Are you okay? Do we need to reschedule this?”

Jongin shakes his head, looking around and realizing they’re already at the company’s main office. He clears his throat, willing his stomach to calm down as he undoes his belt. Ignoring the elder and getting out of the car and rubbing his face as he tries to calm himself down.

“I’m fine I just, its nothing, I’m fine,” he reassures the elder, moving away when he actually tries to awkwardly hug him. “Don’t do that, it’s weird,” he mutters, shaking his head and getting an exasperated look.

“Fine, this is the last time I’m asking though. Are you _sure_ you’re okay?” he questions him for the millionth time that day and Jongin feels bad that he’s making him worry this much. Although it’s not for nothing. He doesn’t think he’s ever acted like he needs to constantly be asked if he’s okay, even when he was eighteen and had no clue about what he was getting himself into.

“I’ll be fine, Joonmyun hyung,” he sighs out tiredly, not wanting to get his manager involved until he absolutely has to. “I just, need you to drop me off at my noona’s house after this,” he adds on, knowing what he needs right now is his sister.

“Alright, just promise me to answer your phone. You have a schedule in _two_ days, I don’t need you going AWOL.”

“Got it,” he replies tiredly, walking behind the elder and towards the company door where there’s already a guard waiting for them.

Jongin gives them a quick bow before taking a deep breath and attempting to straighten his hair down, cursing himself for not at least grabbing a hat or beanie. He wishes he would have had time to _not_ look like he’s sporting a hangover, wincing as he sees himself in the reflection of some of the windows to offices they pass.

“Do you know how long this is going to last?” he questions, wanting to sigh when the elder actually heads towards the small café the company runs on the first floor.

“This is your _contract renewal_ Jongin, it’s not just some comeback concept meeting. This is your **_career_**,” the elder scolds him before turning and getting in line and ordering them both iced americanos even though he hates coffee.

“Just drink it and try and look like you don’t have a hangover.”

“I _don’t_ have a hangover,” he mutters stubbornly, moving to walk after his manager but getting stopped by a little kid running in front of him.

He comes to a dead halt, blinking stupidly and watching as the boy’s mother rushes over and scolds the little boy, making him bow and apologizing quietly before dragging him off. Jongin just stands there watching them, his grip on his drink tightening a little before he snaps out of it and rushes after his manager once he realizes he’s too far ahead of him.

He takes a sip of his drink and winces at the bitter taste, hating coffee and not understanding why people drink it in the first place, let alone cold. He sighs as he waits near one of the conference rooms, hesitantly getting his phone out of his pocket and unlocking and going towards his messages. He has a lot from his family that he immediately feels guilty over ignoring, sending a quick reply that he’ll call once he’s out of his meeting before looking up when the office doors open.

He bows politely to the staff that are already in the room, recognizing some of them from the few times he’s spotted them at company parties. He doesn’t know if he’s actually officially met some of them, not even remembering if they were the ones that had anything to do with the first contract he signed with them. He can barely remember, honestly just being nervous back them and not knowing half of what they were even talking about.

He moves to sit in the chair across from them, rubbing his palms against his pants and eyeing the huge stack of papers across from him. He briefly wonders if he should have had his lawyer with him for this but doesn’t have a chance to speak up about it as the door closes and one of the stacks gets handed to him. He hesitantly pulls it closer to him, noting that it probably isn’t as intimidating as it looks, since there’s probably a lot of stuff that won’t make it to the final print.

He listens attentively to the woman giving him a brief overview, making mental notes to bring up with his parents and then the lawyer later. He gets overwhelmed at some point and doesn’t really understand what the hell they’re talking about, feeling completely underprepared when they start talking about moving him completely out of the country for several months.

“I don’t even _know_ English,” he blurts, feeling embarrassed when one of them just laughs, making his cheeks heat up.

“It’s still in the works, nothing is set in stone yet. You wouldn’t need to be fluent, just able to make small talk. The company’s main focus for you would be the Japanese market before moving towards the west. Your few singles have done well, there’s more money to be made if we invest in really promoting overseas.”

Jongin frowns, knowing his Japanese is a little rusty since it’s been a while since he’s actually had to converse in the language. That’s not what bothers him though. He doesn’t mind studying and slowly trying to get the pronunciation right. He doesn’t even mind being there for weeks for concerts. They want him over there in an apartment and actually live there for _months_ at a time. Get him an actual apartment to live in while he actively promotes and then doing the same for whatever plans they have that include living in the states.

“_No_,” he states sternly, interrupting whatever they were moving onto next and getting a wide-eyed look. He can’t move again. Moving the first time is what got him into this complicate mess. He can’t move now. Not when he needs to be here the most. “I am _not_ moving. There’s no way in hell,” he adds on sternly.

He clears his throat awkwardly at how rude he probably sounded, but not knowing what more he can say without explaining himself. At least, without completely explaining himself.

“Okay, we’ll relay the message,” one of them says before going back to where they left off.

Jongin feels even more exhausted the more he flips through the mockup contract, knowing regardless of what happens, he can’t sign anything. Even if they gave him everything he wanted, he can’t sign it now. There’s no way in hell.

He smiles politely when they finally get to the end of the meeting, shaking his head when they ask him if he has any questions. He probably should, to save face but he honestly can’t even think of anything other than getting out of there. He lets out a deep breath when its just him in the room, running his hands through his hair and looking down at the stack of paper and wanting to laugh at the irony.

Just a couple of weeks ago he was ready for another five plus years of this. He wasn’t happy, but its not like he knew anything else. Despite everything, he loves dancing, he loves being on stage and singing. No mater how hard it got, or how lonely it is, it was still something he loved. Eventually he would find that spark he first had when he was a rookie, and he would continue doing it until he got too old or no one was interested in Kai.

Now though, he can’t even think of _anything_ that would make him want to sign up for another five years of this. Not when he knows about Dooyoung. He’s spent the past five years completely unaware that he even had a kid and now that he knows, no matter how mad he is at Kyungsoo about it, he can’t just pretend nothing happened and go back to schedule after schedule. He doesn’t want to be on stage. He wants to be with his son.

No matter how much he wishes he could have both, he knows that’s just not realistic anymore. Even if he tried, the truth would inevitably come out. People would find out one way or another and while he knows some would be supportive, he knows others will do anything just to see him gone. People don’t even like when idols date, let alone have secret kids no one knew about.

It’s not worth it. Getting to dance on a stage or sing a couple of songs will never be worth more than being a dad to him. He knows that without having even spent more than a handful of seconds with his kid. He loves him _so much_, he can’t even begin to explain it. He just does. He’s not wiling to give up anything to do with just being near his son.

He just doesn’t know how he can even begin to tell his family, let alone his company, god forbid having to actually tell his fans. He doesn’t even know if Kyungsoo will even want anything to do with him by now to top it all off.

He bites his lip before getting up from the table and walking out into the hallway. He sighs tiredly before walking around, glad to have some time to just try and figure out what he’s even going to tell his sister.

He ventures down towards the practice rooms to see if he spots anyone he actually knows, awkwardly bowing when he accidentally walks into a group of trainees getting scolded in the hallway near the bigger dance studio they have for rehearsals.

They look really young, scared mostly, shocked having spotted him. Jongin remembers the feeling, unable to say anything after getting scolded for not moving quick enough, not singing well enough, not being completely perfect on the first try. He wonders if he looked that young, back then when he first started.

He quickly maneuvers his way past them before he can be stopped to give them advice, because he doesn’t have any at the moment. He pauses when he spots Sehun coming out of a room, the younger male spotting him and waving. He sighs a little at the familiarity and walks over, taking a sip of his drink and following Sehun into one of the practice rooms where Joonmyun already is.

“So how did it go?” Sehun questions, moving to sit down along the wall so he follows.

“Fine,” he replies with a shrug, not really caring how it went when in the end its not going to matter.

He feels surprisingly okay with that though, knowing it would be hard walking away from everything he’s built up for the past five years but not impossible. He can’t really think about himself anymore. He knows he could manage it, keeping his job and just exhausting himself going back and forth but it wouldn’t be worth it. No kid deserves a part time parent, especially one that’s only had one for so long.

“I already know what I’m going to do, so it’s fine,” he says quietly, getting a small confused look from Sehun before he moves to lie down, starting up a conversation and Jongin just enjoys it, not knowing how many more little moments like these he has left.

\--

Jongin tiredly looks down at Rahee sleeping on her playmat, trying not to look at his phone and get himself hysterical again. Of course, Kyungsoo would block his number. He deserves it. He was the one that blocked his number first. It only makes sense Kyungsoo return the favor. He said he hated him, why would Kyungsoo keep his number?

He sighs tiredly, glad that at least his noona is more levelheaded than he is and didn’t freak out on him. She was the one that managed to calm him down enough to get him to explain. Everything. All the way from the beginning until him ending up moping around in his apartment until his manager was knocking on his door.

She hasn’t said anything yet, no scolding or nagging, just quiet understanding nods before telling him she was going to go finish making them lunch and he should just lie down. He didn’t have the energy to argue with her about it, going towards her couch and lying down and just watching Rahee to keep him from freaking out again. It’s helped, because she’s just sleeping peacefully, not a care in the world. Jongin wishes he could get that level of sleep.

He lets out another tired sigh before he can’t stop himself from reaching for his phone, unlocking it and going towards his messages, moping as he reads through his and Kyungsoo’s old texts. He never would have known if he hadn’t gone to return Kyungsoo’s jacket. Maybe he didn’t _deserve_ to know. Maybe that’s why Kyungsoo didn’t want to tell him, because he knew he didn’t deserve it.

He looks up when he spots his sister coming back into the living room, a plate with a grilled cheese sandwich on it, toasted up just like his mom used to make them. He smiles appreciatively, sitting up and feeling his stomach ache at the lack of food. He eats slowly though, carefully chewing and closing his eyes as he finally eats a proper enough meal for the first time in _days_.

He looks over at his sister who is eating her own sandwich, looking down at Rahee with a small smile. Jongin can’t help but feel jealous all of a sudden, wondering what little moments he’s missed all these years. Dooyoung sitting up for the first time, learning how to walk, eating real food for the first time. He’s missed _all_ of it.

It’s not even the same disappointment realizing that every time he sees Rahee she’s somehow gotten taller, learned a new thing, hates the foods she loved last time he saw her. It’s worse, a million times worse. He doesn’t know a thing about Dooyoung, other than his name. He’s had five whole years of growing up, _without him_.

“Mom and dad are going to hate me,” he whispers tiredly, not knowing how he’s going to tell his parents he got someone pregnant, over five years ago. They have another grandchild out there, who knows nothing about them. “I don’t understand how you don’t hate me,” he mutters, taking another bite of his sandwich before tiredly chewing.

“I could never hate you Jongin, you should know that,” Jaekyung scolds gently, making him mope a little as he eats his crust. “I’m still just surprised. I know that the Do’s are private people, but they never even mentioned having a grandchild. Mom is going to be shocked,” she shares, making him frown a little when he realizes it.

“Kyungsoo said he never told anyone about us, I guess they never knew it was because of me. It makes sense that they wouldn’t want people to know. You know how they were when we lived next door,” he comments, recalling the Do’s being more well off than they were, and they showed it.

He was honestly a little intimated by them growing up next door, seeing Seungsoo always with the newest gadget or gaming system. They had who knows how many rooms in their house, maids and cooks to top it all off. It made sneaking around honestly a whole lot easier when no one was ever home to really bother Kyungsoo anyways.

He doesn’t know how to really feel about them apparently hiding the fact that Kyungsoo got pregnant from everyone. Although the more he thinks about it, the madder he starts to get. If his parents would have known, then _he_ would have known. He would have known a long time ago.

“Now you know though,” Jaekyung whispers, so he nods his head, smiling a little when Rahee wakes up and lets out a tiny whine. “What are you going to do?”

Jongin sighs tiredly, “I can’t do anything when he has my number blocked. Maybe he doesn’t want me in his life. Maybe, I don’t deserve it, or I’ll make a terrible dad. I don’t know,” he laughs out, covering his eyes so Rahee at least doesn’t see him cry. He’ll feel worse if she sees him cry.

“Do you really believe that?” she questions and Jongin is just so tired, he can only shrug.

“I don’t want to,” he says quietly, taking a deep breath before setting his plate down. “I just want to tell him how sorry I am, for everything. I treated him so badly noona, it’s no wonder he didn’t want to tell me.”

“Regardless of what happened, you have a _son_ Jongin, and if you don’t fight for him now, you’re going to regret it,” she stresses, and he knows she’s right.

Once he’s gotten some rest, had a good night’s sleep and actually eaten a proper meal he’ll come up with a plan. A simple “I’m sorry,” won’t cut it this time.

\--

Kyungsoo quietly watches as Dooyoung carries a basket full of eggs into the house, the five-year-old laughing as one of the older hens follows after him. Its not as cold out so he doesn’t scold him for taking too long. He’s tired from cleaning since they got back home, having to wipe down all the accumulated dust and slowly pack up some of his grandfather’s things. Majority of his clothes he doesn’t have the heart to get rid of, just boxing them up and moving them into the small attic.

Now that its just them two though he’s hesitantly taken over the master bedroom, still feeling uncertain about it. He doesn’t really enjoy sleeping alone, without Dooyoung at least. He got used to it living with Seungsoo, but it feels different now that he’s back home. Lonelier.

“Daddy, can we make cupcakes instead?” Dooyoung questions, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Okay,” he replies easily, smiling at the excited look Dooyoung gets on his face as he carries the basket of eggs up the stairs and into the kitchen. “Go wash your hands,” he instructs the five-year-old, getting a nod in return before Dooyoung rushes towards the restroom.

Kyungsoo grabs the eggs and sets them into a carton, putting the date on it before putting some up in the fridge and sighing tiredly. It’s his first birthday without his grandpa and it just has him feeling sadder than anything. He’s so used to the elder and his lopsided birthday cakes and presents wrapped in the same old wrapping paper he’s had for who knows how long.

He couldn’t even manage to find where the elder kept it, so he’s even more sad for some reason. He rubs his eyes tiredly as he looks outside, trying not to think about anything too much today. He clears his throat and goes back to grabbing the stuff they’ll need to make cupcakes before Dooyoung comes back.

“When is uncle Seungsoo coming over?” Dooyoung questions as drags his stool over towards the counter.

Kyungsoo smiles and puts his apron around the five-year-old, helping him roll up his sleeves so he doesn’t get them dirty.

“He’ll be here for dinner. He’s bringing us pizza,” he shares, getting another excited look from the boy who claps his hands. “You want to crack the eggs?” he questions, getting a quick nod before Dooyoung reaches for the bowl and slowly attempts to crack the eggs open. He gets a couple of shells in but Kyungsoo manages to get them out without making too much of a mess.

They mix up the batter and Kyungsoo let’s Dooyoung put as much sprinkles in as he wants, helping him pour the mixture into the cupcake holders before putting them in the oven and setting the timer. Dooyoung washes his hands before going to go play with Holly in their new bunny proof living room, leaving him alone in the kitchen.

He goes and grabs his phone, looking through his messages and replying to some of his old coworkers who somehow know it’s his birthday. Twenty-three doesn’t feel any different than twenty-two but he feels _something_. Birthday’s stopped felling like anything when he was younger, but this year does feel a little worse. He’s never really been sad on his birthday, but this year, it was inevitable.

If he had his way he would probably just stay in bed, but he can’t just sit around and mope when he has a five-year-old who depends on him. So, he takes a deep breath before grabbing the white timer and heading towards the living room.

He smiles seeing Dooyoung sitting on the floor with Holly who just sits in the boy’s lap, enjoying the attention and looking like she may fall asleep. He moves to sit next to Dooyoung, wondering what the boy has picked out to watch. It’s some variety show, with random idols he doesn’t recognize, thankfully.

“You like this show?” he questions quietly, looking down at Dooyoung who nods his head and laughs a little at the ridiculous things they’re having these people doing.

“Uncle Seungsoo watches it. It’s fun,” Dooyoung replies softly, hugging onto Holly a little before getting up and putting her back into her cage before rushing over to sit in his lap.

Kyungsoo hugs onto him, resting his chin on the top of his head and tiredly closing his eyes. He would nap but then he would probably forget about and burn his own birthday cupcakes. He is tired though, still not used to resting in his bed by himself, let alone in his grandpa’s old room. Not to mention, he can’t stop thinking about much easier he slept when he was with Jongin. As much as he hates to admit it to himself.

He misses the elder, even more so now that he knows what it’s like to actually have him fall asleep next to him and still be there when he wakes up. He managed to screw that up though, not that he’s surprised Jongin reacted the way he did. Just, disappointed, mostly for Dooyoung, not himself.

Dooyoung deserves more than what he can give him.

“Can we make the icing blue?” Dooyoung questions, so he looks down, not being able to stop himself from swooning at how adorable his little boy is.

“Okay,” he replies, kissing Dooyoung on the forehead and hugging him tighter. “You have to make them extra pretty for me, okay?”

“I will! I promise!”

Kyungsoo smiles, trying not to think of all the reasons he should be sad today and instead, just focusing on Dooyoung.

\--

Jongin tiredly dumps his sheets into the washing machine, looking around for the detergent and growing a little confused at setting up the cycle. He hasn’t really done laundry himself in who knows how long. Maybe a couple of years ago, he can’t remember to be honest. He closes the lid when he thinks he has it figured out, letting out a relieved sigh when the water starts turning on.

He walks back to his bedroom, not watching where he’s going as he looks down at his phone and cusses loudly when he stubs his toe, turning to glare at the _stupid_ bookshelf and getting fed up with always running into it. He tosses his phone onto his bed and grabs the thing, slowly moving it across the floor and looking around for a place to put it that he won’t constantly be injuring his feet.

He pulls it away from the wall fully before letting out a tired groan when he hears some of the albums he has fall over, looking down and shaking his head. He’s about to fix them when he spots a bright yellow piece of paper, close to the wall where he just moved the shelf. He frowns a little and picks it up, blowing away the dust that’s accumulated and feeling his eyes widen when he spots handwriting. Wondering how a fan note got under his bookshelf.

He starts growing confused as he reads over the note, feeling his stomach drop as the realization hits him. _Kyungsoo_ wrote the note and when he flips it around, he’s greeted with a picture of Dooyoung, no older than a year, wearing a yellow shirt and blue jean overalls. He feels his eyes start burning, pulse picking up when he realizes Kyungsoo meant it. He tried to tell him at that fansign.

He stands there in complete silence, processing everything before he immediately moves to grab his phone, rushing to find a pair of shoes and his keys. He barely thinks to grab a coat before he’s rushing out of his apartment and towards the street to fight a taxi.

Jongin tells the driver the address, fidgeting nervously and hoping that Kyungsoo actually answers the door. He hopes that he’s home at least, unsure what he’s been up to and having no clue what he’s going to say, but it doesn’t matter to him. He just needs to apologize, beg and plead for Kyungsoo to forgive him.

He quickly presses the button for the elevator once he manages to get to Kyungsoo’s apartment complex, catching his breath as he gets in and presses the button for the right floor. He closes his eyes and tries to calm down, reaching into his pocket and looking down at the picture and not being able to stop himself from smiling. He knows what he wants, even more so now. He just needs to make it happen.

When the elevator stops, he looks up, walking out and slowly making his way towards the apartment. He hesitates once before he moves to knock, waiting nervously and prep talking himself into not crying at any point. He needs to apologize, tell Kyungsoo that he loves him, loves their son, is wiling to give everything up to be with them.

Except, no one answers.

Not after the first time he knocks and not after the fifth time. No one’s home and he’s just left with all these promises and no one to give them to.

Jongin feels his eyes sting as he just stares at the door, feeling like his whole world is falling apart all over again. He doesn’t cry though, just takes a deep breath and turns around.

“Jongin?” someone calls out, making him sniffle as he turns back around and spots _Seungsoo_ at the end of the hallway, looking confused as he walks up to him.

“I _need_ to talk to Kyungsoo,” he rushes out, “It’s important, I need to apologize, and no one answered the door, but I need to talk to him, please. I know he hates me, but _please_,” he explains quickly.

Seungsoo gets this look on his face that makes him nervous, feeling his stomach fill with dread. “Kyungsoo moved back home. He doesn’t live with me anymore,” the elder explains slowly, making his chest feel tight.

“Oh,” is all he can manage to say, not knowing what he was expecting honestly. Of course, Kyungsoo would want to be nowhere near him. Why would he think otherwise?

“I just, forgot my wallet,” Seungsoo laughs out, making him frown at how the elder thinks this is the time to be _laughing_. “I was already in my car before I realized I forgot my wallet. So, I came back up and there you were. You have _ridiculous_ timing, you know that, right?”

“I don’t follow,” he replies tiredly, not having the energy to figure it out.

“Do you like road trips?” Seungsoo questions, so he shrugs.

\--

Kyungsoo stifles a yawn as he looks over at the clock, wondering what is taking Seungsoo so long to get there as he finishes cleaning up the kitchen. Luckily Dooyoung doesn’t mind eating a late dinner, having snuck a cupcake or two while they were waiting. He looks over at the living room before he turns when he hears the front door, walking towards the hallway and spotting Seungsoo slipping off his shoes.

“What took you so long?” he questions, shivering a little at how cold it’s gotten outside and eyeing his brother wearily when he avoids eye contact.

“Happy birthday,” Seungsoo replies, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before looking towards the living room. “I’m going to go feed Dooyoung. Someone’s outside for you,” the elder replies, patting him on the shoulder before moving around him and going towards the living room.

Kyungsoo frowns, watching his brother before turning back around and looking towards the front door and hesitantly walking over. The porch light is already on and it reminds him that he needs the change the bulb, the light not being as bright as it should be. He rubs his arms as he opens the door and slowly walks out onto the porch, looking around before freezing when he spots Jongin.

He stops breathing for a minute, unable to move as he looks at the elder standing on his porch. He eyes him wearily, unable to stop himself from worrying about why he looks so exhausted, hating himself for it. He shouldn’t care about stupid Kim Jongin anymore, not after the elder said what he said. That should have been enough for him to stop caring.

He can’t help it though, feeling his chest tighten and forcing himself not to start crying, not wanting to get his hopes up. He can’t afford to after how many times he’s just been continuously let down by the elder. Jongin is just here for some other reason. _Any_ other reason. Jongin hates him. Jongin isn’t here to tell him otherwise.

“You forgot the album, at the fansign, right?” Jongin croaks out, making him blink back his surprise, unsure how the elder knew that. He doesn’t recall even getting to tell him that, he didn’t get to explain _anything_ last time. He nods his head anyways, watching as the elder pulls something out of his pocket, eyes widening when he recognizes the picture of Dooyoung, looking up at Jongin in shock.

“Dooyoung had an ear infection, I had to go home. I left my album on my seat,” he explains quietly, hesitantly walking towards the elder and reaching out for the picture that looks like it managed to collect dust at some point, the matte finish looking a little smudged. The small post-it note is still on the back though, his handwriting looking faded but still distinguishable.

He has _no idea_ how it managed to make it to Jongin, especially now since the elder looks like he’s genuinely just found it. It doesn’t really matter though, it’s several years too late for it to really matter. He tries not to let it get to him, handing it back to the elder and telling himself he should just go back inside, before he gets too emotional or he gets his heart broken all over again.

“I’m _sorry_,” Jongin chokes out before he starts crying, surprising him into going completely still, unable to move again. He’s never seen Jongin _cry_, let alone cry hard enough that he’s completely incoherent.

“Jongin, don’t cry,” he whispers out, unable to stop himself from pulling the taller male into a hug, tightening his grip around him the harder he cries.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” Jongin rushes out, pulling away and wiping at his eyes that are completely red. “I don’t hate you. I could _never_ hate you. I _love_ you. I’ve been in love with you since you tried to kiss me, but missed,” Jongin sniffles out, making him bite his lip to stop _himself_ from crying. “I’m just an idiot when it comes to you. I always manage to fuck it up and I don’t want to anymore. I just want to be with you and with our son, please, I promise I’ll be a good dad to him, I swear, _please_,” Jongin chokes out, his voice cracking as he forces himself not to cry all over again.

Kyungsoo can’t help the choked sob he lets out, feeling too overwhelmed at everything. He wants to be mad at the elder, he should be mad at him, after everything. He isn’t though, not even a little bit. Not after hearing everything he’s been wanting to hear since he found out he was pregnant in the first place, completely and utterly terrified knowing he would have to do it alone. He’s so _tired_ from doing it alone, longing to have the elder with him, with Dooyoung. He can’t find it in himself to deny him that anymore, no matter what it entails. He just wants Jongin with him.

“You promise?” he questions quietly, sniffling as he tries to regain his composure, knowing that going forward isn’t going to be easy. There’s no way it _can_ be considering everything, but if it means Dooyoung getting to be with Jongin in the end, it doesn’t matter to him.

“I promise,” Jongin sniffles out, having calmed down enough that Kyungsoo can reach out and wipe down his cheeks, frowning at how the elder looks like he hasn’t slept in days. He looks so tired and Kyungsoo hates it, knowing he was probably the cause of it.

He stands on his tip toes, careful this time and not missing when he kisses the elder, hugging onto him tightly and feeling himself relax into the elders hold. He only pulls away when he realizes that they can’t stand on the porch all night, starting to get cold with his lack of a jacket. He clears his throat and finds himself smiling shyly when Jongin tugs off his own coat and drapes it over him, sobering up a bit when he hears noise from inside the house.

“Do you want to meet our son?” he questions, letting out a relieved laugh at just being able to say it out loud now.

Jongin looks nervously at the door before looking back at him, nodding his head before giving him a shaky smile. Kyungsoo takes a deep breath, letting himself just breathe before moving to grab Jongin’s hand.

“He’s really shy, so you have to be patient,” he explains, trying to tug Jongin towards the door but the elder makes a noise, making him stop and realize Jongin is just more than nervous. He’s scared.

“What if he _hates_ me,” Jongin whispers out, looking terrified at the thought.

Kyungsoo gives him a tiny smile, knowing that Dooyoung could never hate him. Dooyoung is going to _love_ him, once he’s able to get to know him, he already knows it.

“He won’t, it’s okay,” he replies softly, gently pulling the elder along and opening the front door and motioning for Jongin to take off his shoes, which he does a bit clumsily so he helps him, tightening his grip on his hand as he leads him down the hallway.

He slowly walks into the living room, spotting Dooyoung sitting on the floor with his back towards them. Seungsoo spots them and gives them a small smile before getting up and heading towards the kitchen, presumably to give them space. Kyungsoo lets go of Jongin’s hand and gives him an encouraging smile before he clears his throat.

“Dooyoung ah,” he calls, watching as the five-year-old turns around and spots them, immediately looking nervous when he spots Jongin. He walks over and moves to sit next to him, Dooyoung immediately moving to cling to him nervously, abandoning his plate of pizza on the floor and eyeing Jongin with a little pout.

“There’s someone I want you meet,” he says quietly, watching as Dooyoung looks up at him curiously before looking back at Jongin. “Remember when you asked about your other daddy?” he questions, getting a nod from Dooyoung.

“Yes,” Dooyoung mumbles, squirming a little bit and keeping his eyes on Jongin before looking back at him. “Who is that?” he whispers, pointing at Jongin and then looking at him curiously.

Kyungsoo beckons Jongin over, getting a hesitant look from the elder before he slowly moves forward, coming to a stop near them before he crouches down, looking unsure of himself. Dooyoung is eyeing him quietly, loosening his grip on him a little when Jongin eventually sits down next to them.

“This is your other daddy,” he explains softly, looking over at Jongin and moving to hold his hand when he realizes it’s shaking nervously. “He came all the way to meet you.”

Dooyoung looks surprised, then confused, tilting his head and pouting a little bit. “He was on the television, remember daddy?” he whispers, making him look over at Jongin who is looking a little flushed.

“I remember,” he replies, clearing his throat and looking at Dooyoung who seems to be thinking.

“He’s my other daddy?” Dooyoung questions eventually, so he nods his head and gives him an encouraging smile before motioning for him to go say hello.

Kyungsoo watches as Dooyoung bites his lip nervously, before eventually letting go of his arm and slowly walking up to Jongin. The elder seems to freeze up when Dooyoung holds his arms out, looking at the five-year-old silently before he gets this look in his eyes. He looks completely in love with Dooyoung before he reaches out and pulls him into a hug, starting to quietly cry into Dooyoung’s hair as he holds onto him tightly.

“I missed you a lot,” Dooyoung says quietly, holding onto Jongin before pulling away to look at him. “You missed my birthday,” he adds on.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin apologizes, sniffling and making Dooyoung pout as he looks up at the elder. “I won’t miss it _ever_ again, I promise.”

Dooyoung smiles a little before moving to give Jongin a kiss on the cheek that just has the elder crying harder. Only calming down when Dooyoung asks if he wants to eat pizza with him.

Kyungsoo lets out a breath of relief, feeling the weight on his shoulders disappearing for the first time in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dooyoung has finally met tv ahjussi and gives him hugs and kisses. 
> 
> how we feeling?


	13. 2017 part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time to rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is just a soft interlude that was self indulgent (and all in jongin's pov)

Jongin blearily opens up his eyes, looking around the room and slowly moving to sit up. He yawns tiredly before clearing his throat, spotting the small alarm clock on the nightstand and wincing when he sees its already nearing ten in the morning. He rubs his face as he looks around the room, not having paid much attention last night before he laid down with Kyungsoo for bed. It’s smaller than his room back at his dorm, but it feels more comfortable.

He looks over at the door when he hears a knock, spotting Kyungsoo already dressed for the day in a cream-colored sweater and jeans. Jongin flushes when the younger male starts laughing and pointing towards his hair, making him attempt to fix it, knowing he has horrible bed hair. He sighs when Kyungsoo comes and sits on the bed next to him, reaching out and smoothing his hair out for him.

“Did you sleep well?” Kyungsoo questions quietly, still running his hands through his hair and making him sleepily lean towards his touch.

“Definitely,” he replies easily, pouting a little when Kyungsoo removes his hands. “Sorry, I haven’t gotten much sleep lately. I normally wake up by nine,” he adds on, rubbing his eyes as he tries to wake up fully.

“It’s okay. We already ate breakfast, but I can make you some eggs if you want,” Kyungsoo mumbles so he nods his head, scooting towards the end of the bed and stretching before he gets out of bed.

He grabs a hold of Kyungsoo’s hand and links their fingers together, walking into the kitchen and begrudgingly letting go when he walks over towards the stove. Jongin gives Seungsoo a small smile before moving to sit at the dining table with him, looking around the house. He’s about to ask where Dooyoung is at when he hears a giggle from the living room, making him get up and slowly make his way over.

Dooyoung is sitting down with the bunny he recalls from the first time he saw him. It’s adorable honestly, just quietly sitting there while Dooyoung pets it. He smiles, heart completely content just watching him sit there. He doesn’t think he’s ever going to get over how incredibly happy he feels just looking at Dooyoung.

He freezes up momentarily when Dooyoung turns around and spots him, the five-year-old blinking owlishly before he curls up a little.

“Was I too loud?” Dooyoung questions with a little pout, making him immediately move to shake his head.

“No,” he replies quickly, slowly moving to sit down next to him and watching as the bunny hops a little before it stops.

“You were asleep for a long time. Daddy told me not to wake you up,” Dooyoung explains, reaching for the bunny and picking it up.

“Sorry, I was _really_ sleepy,” he apologizes, reaching over and laughing a little at how Dooyoung’s hair seems to have a mind of its own too, sticking up in the back. “What’s your bunny’s name?” he questions, not recalling and not having had the chance to ask last night.

“Her name is Holly. She’s a baby,” Dooyoung explains quietly, scooting closer to him and looking at him expectantly.

Jongin holds his hands out, laughing a little when Dooyoung sets the bunny down in his hands and her fur tickles. She’s tiny and well mannered, not really doing much other than sniffing around before trying to move onto the floor. Jongin gently sets her down, watching as she hops away and towards her cage.

“Daddy gave her to me for Christmas,” Dooyoung shares, so he nods his head to let the boy know he’s listening. “Uncle Seungsoo gave me puzzles.”

“You like puzzles?” he questions, getting a very eager nod from Dooyoung. “Can I do one with you?” he asks, smiling when Dooyoung breaks out into a smile and rushes over towards a little shelf that has a couple of boxes.

He grabs one and then comes rushes back, setting it down on the small coffee table and opening it up. Jongin scoots over and sits next to him, ruffling his hair as he empties the puzzle.

“You have to separate the edges first,” Dooyoung instructs softly, so Jongin follows suit and starts putting them off to the side with him.

He helps Dooyoung for a while, already getting started on setting up the border when Kyungsoo comes and sets a plate down on the table and moves to sit next to him. He looks over and smiles appreciatively, not quite wanting to get up yet when he just started helping Dooyoung. He leans downwards to give Kyungsoo a kiss before faltering when Seungsoo walks into the room, unsure if the elder would mind before deciding it doesn’t matter. He leans downwards and gives him a soft peck on the cheek that has Kyungsoo immediately blushing, handing him a fork and clearing his throat.

“That’s how normal eggs are supposed to look,” Kyungsoo comments when he notices him staring at his plate.

“I picked them out this morning,” Dooyoung shares, tugging on his sleeve so he gives him his undivided attention while he eats his breakfast. “We have eight chickens,” he explains, holding up eight fingers.

“That’s a lot,” he replies, looking over at Kyungsoo when the younger male sneezes before he gets up and excuses himself. “You picked the eggs out all by yourself?” he questions seriously, surprised when Dooyoung nods his head.

“I’m a big boy now, so daddy said I can,” Dooyoung says quietly, squirming a bit before he anxiously pulls on his shirt. “Can I sit in your lap?” he asks just as quietly, making him swoon.

“Of course, baby,” he replies, reaching out and picking Dooyoung up and settling him in his lap. He hugs onto him tightly before kissing the top of his head and going back to eating his breakfast while Dooyoung does the puzzle.

“What were you two going to do today?” Seungsoo questions, turning the volume down as he settles on a variety show Jongin instantly recognizes, getting distracted waiting to see if it’s the episode Sehun is supposed to be on.

“I don’t know,” Kyungsoo replies about as quietly as Dooyoung speaks, making him look over at the younger male who has moved to sit back next to him. “I didn’t have anything planned.”

“I don’t have anywhere I need to be today,” he shares, knowing tomorrow is his birthday and he promised his mom and dad he would visit before his fan event.

It gives him a bit of anxiety, knowing he’s going to have to leave the house and therefore Dooyoung to go back into the city. He doesn’t want to, but he can’t cancel any of the plans he already has lined up. He doesn’t know how he’s going to get through a whole two hours at this birthday even either, knowing Dooyoung is nowhere near him. It already stresses him out, but he doesn’t show it, clearing his throat and tightening his hold on his son.

“I have to head back into the city in a little bit,” Seungsoo shares, so he nods his head, looking over at Kyungsoo who is avoiding eye contact and tugging on his sweater sleeves.

“I’ll stay here,” he comments, knowing there was an underlying question in there somewhere. “I’ll figure it out for tomorrow,” he adds on, taking another forkful of eggs and eating.

Seungsoo nods his head, looking down at Dooyoung briefly before turning the volume up a little bit and taking a sip from his mug as he watches the show. Jongin finishes up his eggs and drinks some of his milk before moving to fully help Dooyoung with his puzzle, saying thank you when Kyungsoo removes his plate.

Jongin watches as Kyungsoo comes back and goes towards a corner, picking up the rabbit and setting her in her cage before going about tidying the room some. He looks back down when Dooyoung tugs on his arm, trying to get his attention.

“Where have you been?” Dooyoung questions him, sounding awfully curious. “Daddy said you moved, but I saw you on the television before.”

Jongin awkwardly looks over at Kyungsoo, unsure what exactly the younger male told Dooyoung about him. Apparently, he’s seen him on television before, which is surprising and Jongin isn’t sure how he feels about it.

“I live in the city, but I go to a lot of different places, with my job,” he explains, hoping its understandable enough for a five-year-old.

“You were on the c-d Uncle Seungsoo has,” Dooyoung shares, which is somehow embarrassing for him to hear, looking up at the elder who looks flushed. He supposes that it makes sense for the elder to be a fan, but it still feels odd to him hearing it from Dooyoung. “Daddy doesn’t like it. He always says to turn it off.”

“That’s not true,” Kyungsoo argues weakly, looking a little upset and avoiding eye contact. Jongin wishes he wasn’t a bit disappointed, but he can’t really blame Kyungsoo for avoiding anything to do with him.

“It’s okay,” he replies, shrugging as he looks back down at the puzzle. “My job is to sing and dance, so I travel a lot,” he explains, watching as Dooyoung looks up at him in confusion before going back to the puzzle.

“Oh,” Dooyoung mumbles, messing with the puzzle pieces silently. Jongin watches him, wondering if he’s going to ask anything else and sure enough, he does. “Are you going to live with me and daddy now?”

Jongin’s smile falters a little bit, looking over at Kyungsoo because he doesn’t know what to really say. They haven’t talked about anything yet, including what he’s going to do moving forward. Jongin doesn’t want to lie and tell him yes, but really what other choice would he make at this point? He doesn’t _want_ to go back to his dorm when he could be with the two of them.

“We can talk about that later, okay?” he replies carefully, feeling bad when Dooyoung _pouts_ before nodding his head.

“Okay,” Dooyoung mumbles, going back to his puzzle before sniffling and getting out of his lap, rushing over to Kyungsoo and hugging onto him instead.

Jongin automatically feels horrible, not knowing what to really do to help comfort him. Dooyoung still doesn’t know him that well and he doesn’t want to force any sort of affection on him when he doesn’t want it. He fidgets a little as Kyungsoo talks softly to him, rubbing his arm before hugging onto him and giving him a kiss on the cheek. Dooyoung sulks a little before sitting in Kyungsoo’s lap, holding onto his arm and continuing to pout.

“Why don’t you go finish the puzzle with your papa, or you’ll make him sad,” Kyungsoo informs Dooyoung, making the five-year-old immediately nod his head and rush back over towards him.

“Can I sit in your lap still?” Dooyoung questions him, so he nods his head, hugging onto him tightly before resting his cheek against the top of his head as he continues with the puzzle.

They finish up the puzzle just as Seungsoo starts to head out to go back into the city. Dooyoung gives his uncle a hug and a kiss before going back to the living room to watch television. Jongin waves the elder off and stays with Dooyoung as Kyungsoo walks him towards the door. He looks over at his son and just watches him for a little bit before Kyungsoo comes back into the living room.

“Do you want to shower? I still have some of my grandpa’s clothes, they might fit, so I can wash yours,” Kyungsoo comments so he nods his head, getting up and following the younger male.

He looks around the room and watches as Kyungsoo goes towards a closet, sorting through some things before coming out with a pair of blue jean overalls and a plain shirt. He takes them and then goes towards the restroom, looking around and getting a little confused, used to much more space and expensive appliances, including a decent showerhead.

“You have to wiggle the handle a bit, the water takes a while to heat up,” Kyungsoo explains, showing him and then moving out of the way as the water turns on. “There’s a lot of stuff that needs to be fixed in the house. I just haven’t been home to get it all sorted out yet.”

“It’s so quiet out here,” he comments, knowing by now he would have heard at least one of his neighbors if he were at home. The walls aren’t exactly thick in his dorm, one of the downsides of being in the same place he was when he debuted and had no money to his name.

“The closest neighbor is about a five-minute walk away, sometimes her rooster wanders onto the property though. He’s loud,” Kyungsoo laughs out, tugging on his sweater and giving him a small smile.

“There’s a lot we have to talk about,” he sighs out tiredly, watching as Kyungsoo nods his head, shrugging a little.

“We can talk later, when Dooyoung’s asleep or tomorrow morning,” Kyungsoo replies so he nods, thinking it’s a good idea and setting his clothes down near the sink. “I’ll let you shower while I make lunch, are you hungry yet?”

Jongin flushes a little as he nods his head, knowing he just barely ate about an hour ago, but his stomach is already feeling a bit empty. “I’ll eat whatever you make,” he replies, getting a small smile from Kyungsoo again as he makes his way out of the tiny bathroom and towards the door.

\--

Jongin does his best not to glare, staying completely and utterly _still_ as one of the damn chickens comes his way again. He has learned very quickly he isn’t a fan of them, and they aren’t a fan of him. At least, the fattest hen isn’t, chasing after him and pecking at his feet. Dooyoung is humored by it at least and he’s caught Kyungsoo trying not to laugh, so at least _someone_ is having a good time, even if it’s not him.

“She’s the oldest hen we have,” Kyungsoo explains, shooing her out of the way and of course she complies with Kyungsoo telling her to go away, bobbing her way back towards the other chickens who are distracted by Dooyoung feeding them. “She’s mean to Seungsoo hyung too.”

“So, it’s not just me?” he questions, watching as Kyungsoo giggles a little before shaking his head.

“No, grandpa would have to scold her when I was little. She’s always been mean,” Kyungsoo explains before calling for Dooyoung to come back inside and wash his hands before they take off into town to grab a couple of things for dinner.

Jongin hopes he’s enough in shape that he doesn’t get tired walking for twenty minutes. He’s a little nervous about being spotted in the market, but Kyungsoo told him it’s mostly older generations now and everyone knows everyone. They don’t gossip unless its about whose produce is starting to go downhill, and majority of them could care less about an idol being spotted, if they even knew who it was. Jongin isn’t sure how he really feels about it.

He smiles when Dooyoung grabs a hold of his hand and starts leading him down the dirt driveway, telling him all about his favorite ahjumma who always sneaks him candy. Jongin listens attentively and watches as Dooyoung rushes ahead of them to chase a lizard.

“Majority of kids are in school, so it won’t be that busy and no one should bug you,” Kyungsoo comments once they’re closer to the marketplace. The town isn’t as small as he thought it would be but it’s not extremely busy either.

Its calm compared to the few marketplaces he goes to closer to the city. There’s not a bunch of people like Kyungsoo promised and he feels himself able to relax in public for the first time in a long time. He smiles a little when Kyungsoo grabs a hold of his hand, leading him after Dooyoung who has rushed up to a small vegetable stand owner who must be the ahjumma with the candies because he has one in his mouth quicker than they can catch up with them.

“I brought my papa,” Dooyoung informs her, holding out his hand for another candy and getting one only after she gives him a surprised look. “He came for daddy’s birthday,” he adds on, getting distracted by a random dog that starts barking from the stand next to them.

Jongin awkwardly smiles, not knowing what to do and feeling anxious when the older woman stands up and squints a little towards him. She’s tiny compared to him and even compared to Kyungsoo but she smiles warmly and asks if he wants to buy some pickled radish. He can’t very well tell her no, so he smiles and nods his head.

He ends up carrying around the produce they buy and gets introduced to a lot of people who instantly recognize Dooyoung and spoil him with whatever they have on hand. Kyungsoo is also highly liked by them all, getting told numerous times just to take things, for his birthday. There’s one lady who gives him a little glare, but she just seems grumpy in general, Dooyoung not going near her when they buy some meats for dinner.

He ends up enjoying himself a lot more than he thought he would, snacking on whatever he was given. He’s honestly ready to nap by the time they start walking back home and it seems Dooyoung is too, stopping and whining that his feet hurt before actually crying. Kyungsoo seems used to it, letting out a sigh.

“He’s just sleepy,” Kyungsoo explains, so Jongin nods, going over and picking him up and immediately being hugged onto as Dooyoung starts to fall asleep. “He gets cranky when he’s tired.”

“He’s really small,” he comments, surprised at how light he is. Dooyoung definitely isn’t tall for his age, knowing he’s only five but he’s petite from what he’s noticed of how his clothes fit him.

“He’s going through a growth spurt right now. His doctor doesn’t think he’ll be as short as me,” Kyungsoo explains, kicking some twigs out of the way as they continue walking.

“Really?” he questions, looking down at Dooyoung and finding it a little hard to picture him being tall.

“He was born early, so he was a little behind initially,” Kyungsoo explains, making him frown and stop walking as the younger male takes a little break. “I don’t know if he’ll be as tall as you though.”

“He was born early?” he questions, not having had the time to really ask anything last night and majority of the day he’s been busy with Dooyoung to even ask much.

“Yeah, um, I had a hard time carrying him because I was so young. So, he had to be delivered early. He was in the hospital for a while, but he’s healthy. He gets ear infections a lot though,” Kyungsoo explains, reaching over and smoothing down Dooyoung’s hair.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes quietly, already feeling horrible that Kyungsoo had to do everything alone the past five years, but now feeling worse knowing he had to go through something like that without him.

“It’s not your fault,” Kyungsoo replies, leaning up and giving him a peck on the cheek before smiling. “I had my grandpa, so it’s okay,” he adds on, clearing his throat before walking again.

“I’m sorry about that too,” he comments, knowing it must have been hard dealing with the elders passing if he was the one taking care of them all these years.

“Thank you.”

The both of them are quiet for the rest of the trip back to the house, Jongin enjoying the fresh air and quietness. It’s relaxing even if he does end up kind of tired by the time, they get home. He goes and lays Dooyoung down in his bed, deciding to lie down next to him. He looks over when he feels the bed dip, Kyungsoo giving him a tiny smile.

Jongin begrudgingly sits up, knowing if he naps now, he won’t want to go to sleep later and tomorrow is going to be a very long day. He scoots towards the end of the bed and leans tiredly against Kyungsoo. He could get used to lazy days like this where he doesn’t have to do anything but spend time with his son and Kyungsoo.

“When do you have to leave tomorrow?” Kyungsoo questions, reading his mind about not being able to stay like this, even if he wants to.

“I promised my mom I would go over for cake around noon. She was going to make me lunch too. Um, it’s my birthday tomorrow,” he explains, not knowing if Kyungsoo remembers. He doesn’t seem surprised when he looks at him, so he must already know. “Could you come with me?” he questions, nervous when Kyungsoo starts to look skeptical.

The younger male bites on his lower lip before replying, looking unsure about it. “Your parents will be mad at me,” Kyungsoo says quietly, so he immediately shakes his head.

“They won’t!” he instantly denies, knowing his parents will be _shocked_ but he doesn’t think that they would be mad, least of all at Kyungsoo. If they get mad at anyone, it would be him and he would deserve that. “They’ll love Dooyoung, I know they will.”

“What if someone sees us though?” Kyungsoo questions, making him falter a little bit.

He doesn’t think people know where his parents live, let alone stalk the area to get a glimpse of him. He’s never seen anyone suspicious or pictures of the area online. He would like to think that the two would be safe going over to his parent’s house. He can’t lie and say they won’t be seen though, which is troubling.

“I can’t guarantee that no one will spot us,” he says slowly, clearing his throat and knowing that so long as the two of their faces are covered, it would make it really hard to figure out who they are. But he’s not going to make Kyungsoo take that risk if he doesn’t want to. “So, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to,” he replies, clearing his throat and looking over at Dooyoung who wiggles a little in his sleep.

“Are you sure your parents won’t be mad?” Kyungsoo questions, making him smile a little as he shakes his head.

“My mom wanted me to invite you,” he replies, hugging onto the younger male when he starts to blush. “She’ll be happy to see you. Besides, it’s my birthday, she can’t yell at me on my birthday.”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo agrees, making him beam. “Just promise you won’t let anything bad happen to Dooyoung.”

Jongin nods, “I won’t let anything bad happen to _either_ of you,” he promises.

\--

“This is when I turned three, daddy made me a chocolate cake,” Dooyoung informs him, showing off the birthday pictures in the album and Jongin can’t help but laugh at how much of said cake is in Dooyoung’s _hair_.

He’s already bathed and dressed in his pajama’s after enjoying their dessert, which was just some cinnamon rolls they baked together. They’re just sitting in the living room, going through the photo albums they have that are full of Dooyoung’s baby pictures. Kyungsoo took _a lot_ of pictures and Jongin recognizes the outfit he was wearing in the picture Kyungsoo meant to give to him earlier in the album. He wore it a lot it seemed.

Dooyoung really was a _tiny_ baby, leaving Jongin in awe at how a baby could be that small. He barely fit into the preemie sized clothes and Kyungsoo shows him the outfit he wore when he was finally able to take him home, which is way smaller than anything he’s seen Rahee wear. It was a tiny blue onesie with a little honey jar on the pocket that didn’t even fit Dooyoung then. He was that small.

“Why is he making this face?” he questions when he spots one of baby Dooyoung looking very displeased like he just tasted something disgusting.

“That was from his first birthday. I tried sharing my ice cream with him but he doesn’t like ice cream,” Kyungsoo explains, making him look over at Dooyoung in surprise, the five-year-old yawning a little.

He’s honestly surprised at how much they have in common, without even being near each other for these past five years. Jongin can’t wait to find out what else there is he doesn’t know about yet. “I don’t like ice cream either,” he shares, getting a smile from his little boy who stifles another yawn. “You tired?” he questions, immediately getting told no.

“Yes, you are, silly,” Kyungsoo sighs out, shaking his head when Dooyoung stubbornly says he’s not tired at all, crossing his arms over his chest stubbornly. “Five more minutes and then bedtime.”

“Do I have to?” Dooyoung questions _him_, which is surprising enough that he almost says no. He’s able to regain his composure though, looking over at Kyungsoo who is pouting at Dooyoung for ignoring what he said and asking him instead. They’ll definitely have to work on that at some point, knowing he doesn’t want Dooyoung to think he can just ask him and expect a different answer.

“If daddy says it’s bedtime, then it’s bedtime,” he replies plainly, watching as Dooyoung deflates a little before finally letting out a tired yawn.

“Can you tuck me in?” Dooyoung questions tiredly, so he nods his head, reaching over and picking him up before carrying him off to his room.

He sets him down on his bed before reaching for his night light, turning it on and looking behind him when Kyungsoo turns off the main light switch. Jongin tucks the blanket around Dooyoung who is already looking ready to fall asleep, a stuffed bunny in his arms that looks like it’s seen better days.

“Will you be here when I wake up?” Dooyoung questions sleepily, making him reach over and give him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I’ll be here when you wake up,” he promises, watching as Dooyoung smiles before turning on his side and quickly falling asleep.

Jongin waits to make sure he won’t wake back up before getting up and going across the hall, looking around Kyungsoo’s room and spotting him stretching near the bed. He awkwardly clears his throat, biting his lip and not really knowing what to do about the sleeping arrangements.

“Why are you just standing there?” Kyungsoo questions, getting into bed and giving him a confused look that makes him feel a little silly. “Hurry so I can turn off the lamp.”

Jongin nods his head, walking over and slowly getting into bed with the younger male, letting Kyungsoo reach over him to turn off the lamp. He lies down and relaxes a little when Kyungsoo snuggles up to him, turning on his side to get a better look at him.

“Kyungsoo?” he whispers, not wanting to be too loud in case Dooyoung wakes up.

“Hm?”

Jongin clears his throat a little, not really knowing how to ask what he wants to ask, since he’s never done it before. He’s not necessarily afraid of rejection, but that’s always a possibility. He’s not sure what he would even do if Kyungsoo said no, other than be completely embarrassed and go sleep on the couch possibly.

“Jongin?” Kyungsoo prompts, snapping him out of it long enough to ask his question.

“Will you be my boyfriend?” he questions hurriedly, hoping he doesn’t sound stupid, which he might, considering he’s about to be twenty-four and has never actually asked anyone to be his boyfriend. Let alone the father of his child that he’s been in love with since he was a teenager.

He clears his throat when its been quiet for too long, not really able to tell how Kyungsoo is reacting since its pretty dark in the room now. He think’s he’s really being turned down when he doesn’t hear a response when Kyungsoo surprises him by kissing him, but he misses, and hits his nose instead.

“_Ow_.”

“Was that a yes?” he questions, fighting back a laugh but not being able to stop himself from snickering a little.

“I’ll be your boyfriend,” Kyungsoo replies quietly, making him smile as he leans down and kisses him properly, attempting to pull away but Kyungsoo tugs him back down, surprising him yet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how y'all doing out there practicing social distancing?? 
> 
> in case you don't follow me on twitter !! luckily i am home for two weeks while my job enforces a cut down due to the pandemic (i'm very lucky and am still getting paid otherwise yall would have to pay for this update ajskdljsakl). so during these two weeks i'll probably be writing a bit more and (hopefully) being able to update during this time! hopefully my updates can give you something to do, even just for a little bit!
> 
> my accounts, in case you get even more bored:  
twitter: @dohkkomi  
curiouscat: @jjokkomi


	14. 2017 part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jongin spends his birthday with his boyfriend and their son. Kyungsoo meets some idols.

Kyungsoo stifles a yawn as he tugs on his blanket, feeling sleepier the longer Jongin messes with his hair. He could fall asleep easily with the elder next to him, but he can tell something is bothering him, so he forces himself to stay awake. He turns to his side when the elder stops, flushing a little at getting a view of Jongin’s chest, feeling his ears warm up at how much bulkier he’s gotten over the years.

He squirms a bit when Jongin pokes him on the side, ticklish but already knowing the elder is aware of that. He scoots up on the bed a bit, so he’s face to face with the elder, getting a questioning look. He bites his lip a little, unsure of how to broach the subject without souring the mood.

“Our moles match,” Jongin speaks up, making him flush even more when he rubs his stomach where he knows he has two.

“I never noticed,” he replies quietly, forcing himself to glare when Jongin continues to poke around his side until he quits.

“Sorry, are you tired?” Jongin questions softly, going back to playing with his hair and its distracting enough he forgets to reply at first.

“Are you going to get in trouble?” Kyungsoo finally manages to question him, eyeing the elder nervously and not being able to stop himself from worrying about it.

He doesn’t want Jongin to get in trouble because of him. It’s the last thing he wants, it was the biggest reason he never wanted to tell him to begin with. He doesn’t want to cause Jongin any problems with his career, _especially_ any that are just going to lead to him getting any hate. He doesn’t know how any of this is going to work with them now.

“With my parents?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head, biting on his lower lip and watching as Jongin comes to the realization of what he’s really asking. He worries that the elder is going to get upset, but Jongin just lets out a small sigh before shrugging, smiling reassuringly at him.

“I don’t know, but I don’t care either way,” Jongin replies, running his hands down his arm a little before stopping and linking their fingers together, making him smile a bit. “Can I be honest with you about something?” he questions, so Kyungsoo nods his head, listening attentively.

“Of course,” he mumbles, waiting patiently for the elder to speak up again.

“I really love to dance, you know that, but lately, being an idol, I hate it,” Jongin admits quietly, looking tired but the not the kind of tired that is easily cured with a good night’s rest. It’s the kind of tired that gets built up too long that it leaves you mentally exhausted, Kyungsoo would know.

“At first it was fun, being able to go to all these new places and meet all these new people. Performing on stage, it was _exciting_. It would give me such an adrenaline rush. I didn’t think of it as a job. It was just something I loved to do, and I could do it all the time. I don’t know, but at some point, it stopped being fun and just, felt like a chore,” Jongin explains tiredly, sounding a lot less confident than what he’s used to hearing from him.

“You always look happy on tv though,” Kyungsoo replies quietly, knowing the few times he managed to watch anything to do with Jongin he couldn’t help but feel so incredibly _bitter_. He hated that Jongin looked so happy, when he felt so miserable. He feels embarrassed at himself now.

“Acting,” Jongin replies flatly, giving him a tight smile that just makes him feel worse. “I know how it sounds, but it’s the truth. It’s kind of ironic that I managed to build up such a good reputation, no scandals, not even a single attitude controversy, and well, now,” Jongin trails off, making him attempt to pull away.

“Maybe we shouldn’t,” he starts off, but Jongin tugs him back, tightening his grip around him.

“I’m not renewing my contract,” Jongin speaks up, so he goes still in the elder’s arm, blinking back his surprise and unable to say anything. “I don’t have a reason to anymore and I don’t think I have ever been more _relieved_,” he stresses, confusing him.

“But it’s your career,” Kyungsoo argues weakly, not understanding how Jongin is just willing to give it all up. He didn’t think he would _want_ to and maybe that’s because he forced himself to think that way all these years. He can’t blame himself though, after growing attached to the elder only to not really be a major part in his life unless it was just the two of them alone.

“I know, but you two are my family. Nothing is ever going to be more important to me than you and our son,” Jongin states seriously, letting out shaky breath. “I’ve spent years wishing I could be with you, wondering what it would have been like had I not lost your phone number. Or if I had never moved, never auditioned. I’m not going to waste any more time wondering what if. A job is not going to get in the way of me being with you, no matter what.”

Kyungsoo nods his head, forcing himself not to cry but being able to hold it in. He buries his face in the crook of the elder’s neck, breathing shakily as he tries to calm himself down, or at least be quiet enough that Dooyoung doesn’t wake up. He’s sad, because he knows Jongin truly does love what he does, even if he’s having a hard time remembering why he loves it right now. He doesn’t want to be the reason Jongin gives it all up, but he knows the elder means it when he says that he wants to.

“They’ll say mean things about you,” he chokes out, not wanting the elder to get hurt because of them, any more than he’s already caused.

“I don’t care,” Jongin replies easily, continuing to hold onto him. “It doesn’t matter to me if I never get to go up onstage after this. I’m willing to take a chance at getting completely hated if it means I can be with you two.”

“What if they say mean things about Dooyoung?” he questions, not really caring what a bunch of random strangers say about him, but he doesn’t want them even thinking about coming after Dooyoung.

“I won’t let them,” Jongin states sternly, so Kyungsoo lets himself believe that.

He sighs tiredly, snuggling up with the elder and nodding his head. He stops questioning him for now, knowing they still have a lot more to talk about, but it can probably wait until the morning. They’ll have a long day ahead of them since he’s supposed to be going to Jongin’s parents house, if he doesn’t chicken out until then.

\--

Kyungsoo nervously bites his lip, looking down at Dooyoung who is getting his jacket zipped up by Jongin and not being able to stop himself from worrying about today. He doesn’t know what he’s more worried about, meeting Jongin’s parents after so many years, or worrying about anyone spotting them to begin with. All he knows is that his stomach is starting to ache, but he told Jongin they would go. He doesn’t want to deny Jongin anything on his birthday, of all days.

He also doesn’t want to prolong Dooyoung meeting his other grandparents, knowing it was unfair to keep everything from them as much as it was to keep it from Jongin. Kyungsoo doesn’t have a lot of people he can call his family; he doesn’t want that for Dooyoung. He lets out a shaky breath as he fixes his own jacket, trying to not let his nerves get the best of him.

“Are you okay?” Jongin questions quietly, reaching out and resting his hand against the back of his neck, which is comforting enough for him to smile.

“I’m just nervous,” he says honestly, not wanting Jongin to worry but not wanting to lie about it either. “You promise they won’t be mad?” he asks again, pouting when Jongin chuckles before moving to hug him.

“They won’t be mad,” Jongin reassures him for the millionth time that morning, giving him a quick kiss on the temple before there’s someone knocking on the door.

Kyungsoo bites his lip before going to answer the door, taking a deep breath before undoing the lock and poking his head outside. He opens the door a little wider when the person who knocks looks confused, unsure of who he even is. Jongin just said they would be getting a ride from someone. He didn’t say who.

“That’s my brother in law,” Jongin speaks up, making him twitch a little, not realizing the elder was behind him.

“Oh, nice to meet you,” he replies awkwardly, smiling a little and shaking the elder’s hand. He turns around and beckons Dooyoung over, getting a skeptical look from the five-year-old who doesn’t recognize their guest. He has to bend down and pick him up when he refuses to come to the door, immediately getting held onto as Dooyoung hides his face.

“He’s shy,” Jongin explains before leaving the house and so Kyungsoo follows suit, turning around to lock up and then following Jongin and his brother in law to the car.

Luckily, they have a booster seat that he buckles Dooyoung up in, immediately moving his arm around the boy when he looks a little scared. He spent all morning telling him they were going to visit his grandparents, but he knows it’s still scary for him to be around new people. He gives Jongin an appreciative smile when he sits in the seat to Dooyoung’s right, asking him if he wants to watch a video with him.

Dooyoung still clings to his arm but relaxes a bit when Jongin shows him a couple of videos on his phone, the reception not being too good without the Wi-Fi from the house. He makes small talk with Jongin’s brother in law, learning that the elder works for a gaming company and met Jongin’s sister nearly five years ago.

Apparently Jongin already told his sister about him and Dooyoung, just not his parents. His sister actually lives in the same complex as Jongin’s parents do, which makes things easier for them since they have their own baby, Rahee now. Kyungsoo thinks it must be nice to rely on your parents like that but chooses not to comment on it.

He props his hood up when they make it to the complex, which thankfully has a parking garage and security codes just to get in. It definitely eases some initial discomfort he had before, but Dooyoung looks uncomfortable when they park. Kyungsoo unbuckles him and picks him up, getting out of the car slowly after Jongin opens the door for him. Dooyoung hates elevators and immediately hides when they have to get in one, his grip tightening to the point that its uncomfortable, but he just hugs onto him, bouncing him in his arms a bit.

“He hates elevators,” he replies quietly when Jongin gives them a concerned look, smiling awkwardly when Jongin chuckles a bit and moves around to try and get a peek at Dooyoung.

“We’re almost done,” Jongin tells him, getting a disgruntled noise from Dooyoung who refuses to come out of his hiding spot. “Here we are!” Jongin chirps when the elevator slowly comes to a halt and lets out a ding.

Kyungsoo follows Jongin out of the elevator and down the hallway, getting more and more nervous as Jongin’s brother in law opens up the door. He takes a deep breath before he walks inside, toeing off his shoes and looking around curiously.

He lets Jongin help him out of his coat, watching as he hangs it up on the rack and then does the same with Dooyoung with his help. The five-year-old isn’t very keen on being set down, holding onto his leg tightly and attempting to hide.

Kyungsoo hesitates when Jongin tries pulling them into the living room area where he can hear the elder’s parents. He feels like he might throw up with how nervous he is, not to mention Dooyoung is holding onto his leg way too tightly.

“It’ll be okay,” Jongin reassures him, so he takes a deep breath and nods his head, bending down to pick up Dooyoung and moving forward along with Jongin and then coming to a dead halt when they make it to the living room. Jongin’s mom is already there, looking honestly the same since he last saw her years ago. Maybe a little bit more grey hair than his own mom, but she hasn’t aged much.

She looks surprised to see him, blinking a couple of times when she spots Dooyoung who pops his head out once before going back to hiding. He smiles awkwardly, staying in his spot when Jongin moves to go give her a hug.

“Where’s dad?” Jongin questions before coming back to stand next to him.

“Oh, he’s in the kitchen with Rahee. You didn’t tell me Kyungsoo agreed to come, who is this?” she questions, pointing towards Dooyoung.

Kyungsoo nervously tightens his hold on him, looking over at Jongin who clears his throat rather obnoxiously, looking nervous. Jongin falters a little when his dad comes into the room, holding onto a baby he assumes is Rahee. Kyungsoo wonders if he’s about to chicken out when Jongin turns to him, looking down at Dooyoung and then back up at him.

Kyungsoo moves to hand Dooyoung over, the boy protesting a little before moving to cling onto Jongin instead. Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to do with himself once he no longer has Dooyoung in his arms, wringing his hands together nervously and waiting.

“This is Dooyoung,” Jongin finally speaks up, attempting to get Dooyoung to face his parents but he refuses to. “He’s really shy,” he trails off, so Kyungsoo nods his head reassuringly, looking over at Jongin’s parents hesitantly. He’s unsure if they’re catching on quite yet, which is nerve-wracking.

“He’s five years old, but um, he’ll be six, in November!” Jongin explains, looking down at Dooyoung when he finally moves away from hiding his face.

Kyungsoo waits for him to continue explaining but Jongin doesn’t. His parents look just as confused as they did before, making him fidget a little bit as he clears his throat.

“I had him when I was seventeen,” he explains, not surprised when Jongin’s mom looks a little scandalized. He’s used to it at this point, having to explain that Dooyoung isn’t his sibling to strangers, but his son. “After you moved,” he adds on quietly, eyeing Jongin’s dad when he squints a little before reaching for his glasses in his front pocket.

“He’s mine,” Jongin blurts out, surprising him a little. “Uh, I mean, _ours_,” he amends, looking over at him and then down at Dooyoung.

Kyungsoo watches as Jongin’s mother gapes a little, looking completely shocked but at least she doesn’t faint, or look mad like his own mom did when he told her he was pregnant. He thinks if his mom were a little meaner, she probably would have slapped him. He doesn’t think Jongin’s mom would do that, but he can’t be too sure.

“I’m sorry,” he immediately apologizes, swallowing thickly as Jongin’s mom looks over at him. “I didn’t know what to do so I never told my parents about Jongin, they didn’t know,” he rushes out, rubbing his hands on his pants and looking over at Jongin. “I didn’t want Jongin to get in trouble,” he mumbles, stealing a glance at Jongin’s parents before awkwardly bowing.

“It’s not his fault though,” Jongin speaks up, stopping when Dooyoung tugs on his coat.

He tries to listen to what Dooyoung whispers to Jongin but doesn’t quite catch it, growing confused when Jongin laughs a little.

“That’s your cousin,” Jongin tells Dooyoung who is staring at the baby Jongin’s dad is now handing off to Jaekyung. “That’s her mommy, she’s your aunt and that’s your grandma and grandpa.”

Dooyoung eyes them a little bit before nodding his head, looking a little confused. Kyungsoo waits for him to say what’s bothering him but he doesn’t, instead he wiggles to get down, surprising him. He’s downright shocked when Dooyoung walks up to them all on his own and moves to tug on Jongin’s dad’s arm.

“You look like papa,” Dooyoung informs Jongin’s dad, who laughs and adjusts his glasses a little bit as he bends down and ruffles Dooyoung’s hair before saying hello to him.

Kyungsoo lets out a breath of relief as Dooyoung actually lets himself get picked up, only shying away when Jongin’s mom tries to give him a kiss on the cheek, but that may be because she’s crying, and he doesn’t understand why. Kyungsoo feels yet another weight lifted off his shoulders, knowing that Dooyoung will get along with his other grandparents at least, and that they aren’t mad at him.

“Told you they wouldn’t be mad,” Jongin mumbles, moving to hug onto him and resting his chin on the top of his head.

“Why don’t we eat lunch? Are you hungry?” Jongin’s mom pesters Dooyoung who politely nods his head, looking curiously at her when she says he can eat as much as he wants.

Kyungsoo watches as Jongin’s dad hands Dooyoung off, who still looks a bit uncomfortable and turns to make sure he’s still in view before listening to Jongin’s mom again. Jongin’s dad walks up to the elder and actually reaches out and yanks on his ear, making Jongin yelp a little.

“Ow, dad!” Jongin whines pathetically, rubbing his ear and pouting a bit.

“You and I are going to have a long, _long_ talk,” his dad scolds, making him stifle a laugh at how Jongin immediately sulks. “After we sing to you and Kyungsoo of course,” he adds on, giving him a friendly smile.

Kyungsoo nods his head, grabbing Jongin’s hand and pulling him along when his dad tells them they should eat before it gets cold. Kyungsoo smiles a little as he sits at the table, missing having a family meal more than he would like to admit.

\--

Jongin bows before waving as he walks off stage squinting up at the fans one last time before moving completely out of view. He lets out a sigh of relief as he heads backstage and is met with staff. He bows politely and thanks them all before following after his manager, getting handed a bottle of water that he thankfully grabs. He waves some more as he walks down the steps of the side of the building and down to his managers car, usually one to stay out and let them take their pictures but he’s anxious to get back to Dooyoung and Kyungsoo. So he manages one little bow before getting in and buckling up.

He looks over at his manager who hasn’t really said much since he picked him up from his parents’ house and dropped the major bomb on him. He hopes the elder isn’t angry with him, although he wouldn’t be surprised. He just hopes that in the long run this doesn’t affect him in anyway. The last thing Jongin wants is for Joonmyeon to be out of a job because of him.

He clears his throat before looking down at his phone and texting Kyungsoo that he’s on his way. He hopes everything is going smoothly for him, knowing he was worried about being left alone with his family. Although he knows none of them would give Kyungsoo a hard time, Dooyoung still isn’t used to strangers.

“I managed to get a hold of the big boss’s secretary. I told her it was urgent. She said he didn’t have anything open. When I said we had a potential pregnancy scandal on our hands, she suddenly had an opening for tomorrow. So make sure you keep your phone on.”

Jongin flushes a little, “That’s not really the truth,” he says slowly, feeling highly embarrassed when the elder gives him a dead stare. He clears his throat and turns back to his phone to avoid having to look at him for too long.

“I needed to make it seem urgent and that was the only thing I could think of at the time. I don’t know how bad their reaction is going to be, but you need to make sure you’re financially ready to get yourself potentially _sued_.”

“There’s nothing in my contract that says anything about me apparently having a five-year-old I didn’t know about. My dad already checked,” he replies sternly, knowing they still need to get their actual lawyer to double check, but he seriously doubts that he can get in trouble over something he didn’t know. They never even forbid him from dating, just not within the first year of his debut.

He never once lied back when he first auditioned though. He told them everything he could and that he knew at the time. He never would have guessed his lack of proper sex education back when he was in high school would have ended up with him finding out he had a secret kid he didn’t know about. He at least knows now and is willing to do what he can to make things as simple as possible.

“I’m just worried about you. The fans, some of them are going to go batshit over this. You know how _psychotic_ some of them can be,” Joonmyeon sighs out, making him cringe a bit.

“I talked about it with Kyungsoo a little bit. He doesn’t even have a _Facebook_ account. Even if they somehow got pictures of him, they wouldn’t even be able to figure out anything about him_. I_ couldn’t even find him online. Between the both of us, we have enough money to sue anyone who would cross the line. I’m not letting _anyone_ touch them,” he stresses, having discussed it with Kyungsoo enough already.

Depending on what the company wants to do, he may not even tell his fans the truth, knowing its none of their business why he won’t be renewing his contract. It may be better off to say that he wants to spend time with his family than bring up a boyfriend who would take the blame or a kid that would get unnecessarily hated on.

He wants as clean of a cut from his idol life as he can get, if that means lying about things in order to protect his family, so be it. There’s nothing really linking the two together, as much as he hates to admit it. Somehow his inability to commit as a teenager is saving him now, the media wouldn’t be able to link anything. Jongin just needs to keep it that way for now.

“Just promise me you know how to use a condom by now,” Joonmyeon states plainly, making him glare a little bit.

“Very funny,” he huffs out, frowning a bit before looking down at his phone when he gets a message from Kyungsoo that they’re doing fine and not to worry.

Jongin worries anyways. He quickly says goodbye and nods his head when Joonmyeon tells him to keep his phone on so he can call him tomorrow before rushing towards the elevator. He’s about to turn the corner when someone jumps out at him, actually making him fall onto his ass as he shrieks.

“Surprise!” an all too familiar voice shouts, making him look up and glare as Taemin starts laughing to himself.

“What the hell is _wrong_ with you?” he questions, taking Sehun’s hand when he moves to help him off the floor, shaking his head at him. “What are you even doing here?” he questions further, knowing the two have been to his parent’s house before, but not recalling ever inviting them for his birthday.

“Your mom said we could come over. We tried calling you _all week_,” Sehun informs him rather plainly, looking unhappy about being ignored.

Jongin winces a little, feeling a little bad but he honestly hasn’t been concerned at all about getting back to any of his friends the past week. He’s been dealing with realizing he has a kid and trying to make sure he doesn’t screw anything up with Kyungsoo. He panics a little when they start heading towards his parent’s door, waiting on him expectantly.

Jongin can’t very well tell them to leave, but he isn’t sure Kyungsoo is willing to meet his friends, let alone tell them they have a kid together. He immediately tries to think of a lie before realizing how stupid that is. There’s no point in lying. He would have to tell them eventually. He doesn’t want to keep Kyungsoo a secret from the people that actually mean something to him. Not anymore.

“Look, can you two just, wait outside for a little bit?” he questions seriously, getting a confused look but they both end up nodding, eyeing him wearily.

Jongin does the passcode for the apartment before walking inside, toeing off his shoes and walking into the living room. He pauses when he sees Dooyoung sitting next to Rahee in her little bouncer, the five-year-old helping her with her blocks. He can’t help but smile, especially when Dooyoung spots him and immediately stops what he’s doing to run up and hug him.

“I missed you,” Dooyoung mumbles, holding his arms up for him so he bends down and picks him up, laughing a little at Kyungsoo scolding him for leaving Rahee. He gives Dooyoung a quick kiss on the cheek before looking over at his mom. 

“You invited Taemin and Sehun over?” he questions his mom who immediately brings her hand up to her mouth, like she probably forgot all about it.

“Taeminnie called and I told him it would be fine. That was yesterday, I didn’t know you would be bringing Kyungsoo,” she replies, worriedly looking over at Kyungsoo.

“Is it okay if they come in?” he questions the younger male, not wanting to bring two random idols into the house if Kyungsoo isn’t comfortable with it.

“If you trust them, I don’t mind,” Kyungsoo replies quietly, reaching down to wipe at Rahee’s mouth when she drools a little before Jaekyung moves to pick her up.

Jongin nods his head, taking a deep breath before turning back around and walking towards the front door. He slowly opens it up and spots Taemin and Sehun, the two looking up and moving to come in. It isn’t until Dooyoung turns around do either of them even notice he’s holding a kid, Sehun pausing and blinking.

“Hey, it’s you,” Sehun replies slowly, confusing him into looking down at Dooyoung who tilts his head a bit.

“Did you bring your puppy?” Dooyoung questions quietly, eyeing Taemin wearily before holding onto him tighter.

Jongin immediately frowns down at Dooyoung and then directs that frown towards Sehun who shakes his head. Dooyoung pouts a little bit before sulking, going back to hugging onto him and hiding his face.

“Am I the only one lost here?” Taemin questions, looking downright confused.

“No,” he replies plainly, feeling a little ridiculous at how his immediate reaction is to be suspicious of Sehun, but he is. “How do you two know each other?” he interrogates, tightening his grip on Dooyoung and turning around to spot Kyungsoo walking up to them.

He definitely feels more than suspicious when Kyungsoo immediately comes to a halt when he spots Sehun, unable to stop himself from feeling _jealous_ when his boyfriend starts _flushing_, which is stupid because he knows Kyungsoo likes him, and Sehun likes Byun Baekhyun, but _still_. He turns around and gives Sehun an annoyed look, wondering if this was a bad idea.

“We saw each other at a coffee shop but uh, we’ve met before,” Sehun explains, pointing over towards Kyungsoo who looks embarrassed.

“I cleaned his room at the hotel, he forgot his phone,” Kyungsoo explains, making him slowly realize that the cute cleaning boy Sehun was referring to nearly a year ago was **_Kyungsoo_**. His Kyungsoo. “Nice to see you again,” he adds on, smiling a little before clearing his throat.

“Okay, I’m still lost,” Taemin speaks up, looking over at a Kyungsoo and giving him a once over that he does not appreciate.

“I wanna go with daddy,” Dooyoung mumbles, wiggling out of his grip and rushing over to Kyungsoo who sighs before picking him up.

Jongin clears his throat and looks over at his friends, watching Kyungsoo for any sign that he doesn’t want them to know but he just gives him an expectant look. So, Jongin exhales deeply before walking over and pulling Kyungsoo closer to the two.

“This is Kyungsoo, my boyfriend,” he introduces, mostly to Taemin who gives him a shocked look before smiling and shaking Kyungsoo’s hand. “This is Dooyoung, our five-year-old. Do you two want cake?” he questions, clearing his throat and giving his friends a forced smile.

Taemin looks completely lost and Sehun doesn’t look any better, looking at Kyungsoo and then back at him before his nose twitches a little. Jongin doesn’t really know how to even begin to explain everything, looking over at Kyungsoo who just adorably looks unsure of what to say.

“Wait, this is Kyungsoo. _The_ Kyungsoo?” Sehun questions slowly, so Jongin nods his head, flushing a little when Kyungsoo gives them both a curious little pout.

“Did you say _our _son?” Taemin squeaks out, openly gaping at him and so Jongin nods his head again.

“We’re going to go sit down, he doesn’t like strangers,” Kyungsoo comments quietly, taking Dooyoung into the living room and leaving him alone with his friends.

“It’s a long story, but you have to promise not to say anything to anyone, got it?” he questions once Kyungsoo is out of hearing range.

“Like anyone would believe that _you_ have a kid,” Taemin replies easily, “I’m not even sure _I_ believe it. I’m so lost right now.”

“I get it,” he replies with a small shrug, looking at Sehun and biting his lip. “You’re not allowed to call him cute anymore,” he warns quietly, unsure of what to even say at this point.

He doesn’t know how its even possible that of all the people Sehun could have ran into multiple times, it turned out to be _Kyungsoo_. He doesn’t try and rationalize it though, looking over towards the living room where Dooyoung is sitting in Kyungsoo’s lap playing with his phone.

“Okay, so are we going to eat cake?” Sehun questions, toeing off his shoes before heading towards the living room and immediately moving to say hello to his parents.

Jongin looks at Taemin who just holds his hands up and shrugs, taking off his shoes before following after Sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dooyoung and sehun meeting each other again (・_・ヾ  
jongin realizing cute cleaning boy was his kyungsoo (╬ Ò ‸ Ó)


	15. 2017 part 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kyungsoo finally listens to kai's first album

Kyungsoo holds onto Jongin’s hand tightly as the elder leads him onto the ice, not having been ice skating in years. Maybe he went when he was still a kid and his parents tried to make his winter break somewhat enjoyable. He doesn’t recall if he enjoyed it or not, or if his parents even tried helping him learn to skate. Maybe it was the maid who took him and Seungsoo the more he thinks about it, unable to recall an image of his parents with them.

It’s almost midnight and they’re probably trespassing at this point, which should worry him but apparently Jongin has done this before or knows the person in charge of the rink, something that was able to convince him to go skating in the dark. Dooyoung is fast asleep with Jongin’s parents and he actually doesn’t have to worry about leaving him for once. He probably won’t even wake up and it’s not like he’s with complete strangers.

Dooyoung seems comfortable enough with Jongin’s parents for just meeting them today. He even sat with Jongin’s dad and watched television with him for a good while. He was already passed out by the time Jongin’s idol friends left. Jongin thought it would be a good idea to go skating before midnight and Kyungsoo agreed.

“Careful,” Jongin laughs out when he immediately almost slips on the ice, tightening his grip on his arm.

“Maybe we could just go walk in the park instead,” he mumbles, immediately moving to hug onto Jongin when he feels like he’s about to fall again.

“Skating is fun, c’mon, just go slow,” Jongin comments, moving away from him a bit and helping him move forward.

“Why would anyone do this for fun?” he questions as he wobbles trying to go forward.

“I come here whenever I get to visit my parents during the winter. It clears my head,” Jongin replies easily, helping him continue moving forward. “Taemin fell flat on his ass last time I tried bringing one of them along.”

Kyungsoo really hopes he doesn’t fall on his butt, mostly because it would really hurt but also because it would be embarrassing.

“Do you like Sehun?” Jongin suddenly questions, making him nearly do what he’s trying to avoid and fall.

“What?” he questions incredulously, standing still and fighting hard to keep his balance as he holds onto Jongin’s arms.

“I mean, like, idol wise, Sehun’s your type?” Jongin questions, sounding so ridiculous Kyungsoo can’t help but laugh at him, despite the elder starting to pout.

“Are you upset because I don’t listen to Kai’s music,” he snorts out, shaking his head at the elder when he looks a tad bit sheepish.

“I just, thought you would have, but I guess I get why you didn’t,” Jongin sulks a bit, giving him a small smile.

“You’re my type, always have been,” he admits quietly, clearing his throat and looking over at the lights on the trees instead.

“You too,” Jongin comments, making him blush a little and finding it hard to believe.

“There’s a lot of pretty idols,” he starts to reply but Jongin cuts him off with a kiss, leaving him a little breathless.

“None of them are even comparable to you,” Jongin states sternly, giving him another kiss before tugging him along again.

Kyungsoo slowly gets the hang of it, but not enough to actually let go of Jongin’s hands. He nearly falls a couple of times but Jongin always catches him, stealing kisses each time. He enjoys it really, not having got to ever actually go outside of his room with Jongin when they were younger. He was always too scared to even ask, just happy Jongin was giving him attention at all.

Now Jongin takes him places, although there’s barely any or no people around, it’s not because Jongin is embarrassed. It’s because he’s being careful and cares about him, which just makes him incredibly happy. Also, incredibly sad that they won’t get to do things like this often, once Jongin has to go back to his schedules.

He doesn’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow and Kyungsoo can tell Jongin is worried, wanting to distract himself. Kyungsoo would be a liar if he said he wasn’t worried too, honestly beyond nervous that Jongin will end up getting in trouble. They’ve talked about Jongin probably having to finish the important schedules which stretch out for at least four months, so he may not get to see him that often.

He hopes everything works out for the best, not knowing if he can spend more than four months apart from the elder now. He doesn’t even know if he can manage one month at all, let alone more than that. He has no idea how Dooyoung is going to cope with it either, knowing tomorrow is going to be hard.

“What’s wrong?” Jongin questions, stopping along with him and pulling him off of the rink and near where they have their shoes sitting.

“It’s just,” he sighs out as he takes off the skates Jongin managed to find him and start to put on his shoes instead. “I’m going to miss you,” he says quietly, feeling like he might cry so he looks away and instead stares at the lights the rink has set up.

“I know,” Jongin replies just as quietly, fixing his own shoes before helping him off the floor and pulling him into a hug. “Hopefully it won’t be for that long.”

Kyungsoo nods, hoping for the same but it doesn’t stop him from feeling so sad. He doesn’t know how he thought he could handle even spending time without Jongin at all now, getting too used to the elder holding him to fall asleep. Not to mention Dooyoung has _finally_ gotten to see what it’s like having two parents.

He doesn’t know how he’s going to manage to explain things well enough so Dooyoung understands. He’s smart for his age but he’s still just five years old, not quite old enough to realize the weight of Jongin’s job and his responsibilities to it. He’s going to probably makes things difficult tomorrow morning when Seungsoo picks them up to take them back home.

“You know what we’re going to do when this is all over and done with?” Jongin questions suddenly, making him look up and shrug. “You and I are going to live happily ever after in the middle of nowhere, with our five-year-old and all eight of those mean chickens.”

Kyungsoo laughs a little, rolling his eyes at how cheesy it sounds. “Don’t forget Holly,” he replies, smiling when Jongin leans down and gives him a kiss.

“Who could forget our adorable little grandbunny,” Jongin jokes, making him pinch the elder on the side.

“You’ll have to make sure you call everyday to talk to Dooyoung. He’s going to be sad,” he admits after a while, letting Jongin lead him back towards the bike trail in the park they took to get here.

“Don’t tell me that, then I _really_ won’t want you to leave,” Jongin groans out, pulling him back into a hug and starting to mope.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, it’s just he can be really difficult sometimes,” he admits, knowing Dooyoung can gets into his little moods where he throws a fit. “When he was little, he threw a fit and I had to buy him his stuffed bunny, the one he showed you? He was only two and he was sick, but he still yelled at me in the store,” he shares, shaking his head and continuing to walk.

“Sounds like me, I may have done that a couple of times, from what my mom tells me,” Jongin admits, looking sheepish about it.

“Really?” he questions, not thinking Jongin would be the tantrum in a store type. Although, he did seem pretty whiney back in high school. He could probably pout his way into anything.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there, when he was growing up,” Jongin apologizes, making him frown.

“You’re here now,” he replies easily, standing on his tip toes to give the elder a kiss. “Dooyoung will understand, when he’s older,” he adds on, knowing it’s bound to come up once he reaches a certain age.

“We should get back, before it starts snowing again,” Jongin comments, so he nods his head and follows after him, hand in hand.

\--

There should be a handbook Jongin decides, _something_ that explains how to get your five-year-old to not hate you the second you tell him you’re not going back home with him and daddy. Jongin really needs one right now because he can’t handle Dooyoung crying like _that_.

Dooyoung started crying when he told him that he couldn’t go back home with them just yet, considering he has a whole career that he may or may not have by the end of the meeting he has scheduled for today. The five-year-old doesn’t understand _why_ he can’t go with them and Jongin is left just standing there useless as Dooyoung refuses to turn around and give him a hug goodbye, feeling like crying himself.

It only solidifies that he can’t do this longer than necessary. He can’t just continuously go in and out of Dooyoung’s life. He can’t confuse the poor boy who _finally_ has both his parents and is upset that it’s not going to stay like that from now on. Jongin refuses to keep doing that to his poor baby.

“Dooyoung,” Kyungsoo sighs out, trying to pry his arms off but the boy refuses to let go. “Papa will come home when he can,” he tries to explain but Dooyoung will hear none of it, continuing to hide.

“It’s okay,” he tires to excuse, offering a smile he knows falls flat, trying not to get upset.

“No, it’s not,” Kyungsoo replies, finally getting Dooyoung to let go of him long enough that the five-year-old actually crosses his arms over his chest and stomps his foot arguing with Kyungsoo.

He doesn’t know what Kyungsoo manages to tell him that has Dooyoung turning around and walking over to him, holding his hands up and pouting. Jongin bends down and picks him up, holding onto him tightly when Dooyoung starts to sniffle again as he hugs him. Jongin inhales deeply and tries to not make things worse by crying.

“You promise you’ll come home?” Dooyoung questions, looking miserable enough that Jongin cracks and feels his eyes already tearing up.

“I promise,” he replies weakly, burying his face in Dooyoung’s hair and forcing himself to stop crying before he really starts up. “Papa loves you _so_ much, okay? I promise I’ll be home soon,” he adds on, getting a tiny nod from Dooyoung before he moves to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“You really promise you won’t move away again?” Dooyoung questions, sulking a bit and making him sad all over again.

“I promise. I’m never moving away _ever_ again,” he promises, getting a tiny nod from Dooyoung before he continues to pout, still upset but not inconsolable as he was before. “Time to go with Uncle Seungsoo,” he sighs out, giving Dooyoung another kiss on the cheek before handing him off.

“We’re going to go to the car, so I’ll meet you down there,” Seungsoo comments to his younger brother who nods his head and pats Dooyoung on the back as he continues to sulk.

Jongin exhales shakily as he waves Dooyoung off, knowing if he goes down with them to the parking garage, he won’t let them actually leave. Kyungsoo immediately comes over and hugs onto him, Jongin gladly returning the hug and not wanting to let him go either. He wishes things were simpler, but he doesn’t want to risk anything when it comes to Kyungsoo or Dooyoung. It’s better than they stay home and wait for him.

“Are you sure I shouldn’t go with you?” Kyungsoo questions worriedly, looking like he doesn’t want to leave either, which makes things hard but Jongin shakes his head.

“No, I think its better if you stay with Dooyoung. I’ll be fine,” he reassures the younger male, getting a tiny nod before Kyungsoo goes back to hugging onto his torso.

“Don’t lose my phone number,” Kyungsoo jokes lightly, but he looks like he wants to cry so Jongin hugs him a little bit tighter.

“I’ll call you as soon as I can,” he promises, leaning down to give his boyfriend a kiss and savoring it, because he isn’t completely sure when he’ll actually be able to go home and stay for good yet. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Kyungsoo mumbles, finally letting go and sadly looking at the door. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?” he questions yet again, so Jongin nods his head and leans down for one more kiss.

“I’m nervous, but I’ll be okay,” he reassures him, getting a tiny nod before he goes and walks Kyungsoo to the elevators, feeling way sadder than he should be. It’s not like he’s never seeing Kyungsoo again, he knows where he lives and has his phone number, he should _not_ be this sad.

Still, he feels completely empty when the elevator closes and Kyungsoo is no longer in view. He’s alone again and even though he’s been used to it for over five years, just the past couple of days have completely rewired him. He actually can’t stand the thought of having to sleep alone in his bed again, its just depressing.

He mopes as he goes back to his parent’s apartment, sulking on the couch as he waits for Joonmyeon to pick him up. He can’t even be nervous about the meeting that could potential ruin his entire career when he’s too busy worrying that Dooyoung is going to hate him for not going home with them. He hopes Dooyoung at least remembers who he is by the time he gets to go back home for good.

“Are you sure you don’t want your father to go with you?” his mom questions, coming to sit next to him and Jongin tiredly shakes his head before leaning on her shoulder.

“Thank you for not getting mad at Kyungsoo,” he sighs out, knowing his parents are probably still shocked at the revelation that he has a kid. Honestly, Jongin is still shocked, but he knows why Kyungsoo hid it, even from his parents.

“I could never be mad at him, I’m just sad he felt like he couldn’t tell anyone. I’m madder at his parents, who would kick their child out of the house knowing they’re pregnant?” his mom sighs out before calming down and patting him on the head. “Are you sure this is what you want?” she questions, making him look up at her, surprised a little that she would even question him about it.

“Of course,” he rushes out, sitting up a little bit and frowning. “I haven’t been happy for a while now,” he admits, not really having told anyone that he wasn’t exactly all that together the past several months.

He honestly can’t recall some of the things he’s even done, going through the motions and just, existing without really being aware. He thinks if he hadn’t found Kyungsoo when he did, he might have headed in a direction that would have been a lot scarier.

“You won’t miss it though?” she questions further, causing him to really think about it.

He knows it would be a lie to say that he won’t eventually miss it. Once he’s had a long break from everything, he knows he’ll get that itch to be on a stage and perform and just, _dance_. He always pictured doing it until he physically couldn’t anymore, regardless if he even had any fans left. To give it up after five years, it seems premature compared to what you usually see. Even if he ends up missing it at some point though, it’s completely incomparable to missing out on anything to do with Dooyoung.

“Eventually, but I would still pick Kyungsoo and Dooyoung over a job any day,” he replies honestly, knowing in the end no matter what, he isn’t going to regret giving it up. Not when it’s for the love of his life and the son they have together.

“I raised you well, didn’t I?” his mom sighs out, making him smile and go back to resting his head on her shoulder, hugging onto her arm.

“You did, I was just stupid when I was a teenager,” he replies quietly, knowing the _only_ thing he’s ever going to regret is never letting himself just be with Kyungsoo back then.

Maybe if he did then Kyungsoo wouldn’t have had to do everything alone. Jongin wouldn’t have to make such a big decision and hope for the best, wouldn’t have to worry about it affecting Kyungsoo and their son. He isn’t even worried about himself when it comes down to it, he’s worried about them.

“You’re doing the right thing now,” she reassures him, which gives him the boost of confidence he needs today.

\--

It’s starting to snow when Kyungsoo finally manages to get back inside, slipping off his boots and instead putting on his house shoes as he undoes his coat. He takes his beanie off his head and ruffles his hair a bit before moving to put his clothes up in the closet. The chickens are all fed, and he’s made sure their coop is nice and warm for the incoming snowstorms.

He goes towards the living room and checks on Dooyoung, the five-year-old still taking his nap. He moves quietly around the house cleaning up, making sure there aren’t any toys he’s going to step on later on the carpet. When he’s done, he goes and finishes the laundry, banging on the stupid dryer to get it to work.

Tired he goes and grabs a piece of paper and starts making a list of all the appliances and things that need to be fixed in the house. He doesn’t know why his grandpa never bothered to buy anything new, finding himself smiling at how the elder showed him how to fiddle with the thermostat when he first moved in.

It was summer and he was heavily pregnant, unable to get the damn house cool enough. His grandpa would just sit him outside and hand him a popsicle, like he was a kid and fill up the pool and just sit with him as their feet soaked. Little things that would just make him _breathe_, forget about being worried about how he was nowhere near ready to raise a kid. He misses it, looking up at the fridge where he has a couple of pictures up.

He smiles looking at them, not feeling sad about him no longer being with them for the first time in a while. He thinks he’s finally happy without having to pretend, knowing that Jongin knows about Dooyoung and he’s not mad at him. He actually _wants_ to be with him and Dooyoung. Kyungsoo can’t think of anything that could make him happier, except, only if his grandpa could meet him. Kyungsoo thinks even if he’s not around anymore, he’s happy for him.

He sighs a little as he goes back to his list, wondering if he should ask Jongin what he thinks he should replace first. He worriedly bites his lip, looking over at his phone sitting on the counter and hoping the elder is doing okay. He’s probably still in his meeting, that he hopes goes well. He still wishes he could have gone with him, if only to spend a little bit more time with him.

He reaches for his phone and goes towards the living room, sitting on the couch and snuggling up to Dooyoung who is still sound asleep. He goes and taps on his messages with Jongin, finding himself hiding his smile behind his hand, which is just silly. Jongin is his _boyfriend_, which makes it ridiculous that he feels his cheeks heating up at the thought.

He spends some time looking through his pictures, smiling at the amount he has been able to take of Jongin and Dooyoung just within the past couple of days. He finds the one he likes the best and sets it as his background wallpaper. He realizes he doesn’t have a display picture for Jongin and decides to humor himself and look online.

He’s never actually looked the elder up online, purposefully avoiding it all these years. He types in _Kai_ and hits enter, looking through the things he’s missed these five years. He finds himself flushing for different reasons seeing a couple of more revealing pictures, that show way too much that he clicks on something different.

There are _so many_ pretty pictures, surprising him at how people take such nice photos at concerts. He finds one that makes him immediately click on it though, smiling as he hesitantly saves it and moves to make it his screensaver, feeling embarrassed for some reason and immediately hiding his face as he tries to calm down.

Curious he goes to the music app that he has on his phone, searching for Jongin’s music and deciding to download it all. He decides to start from the beginning, playing the first song of the oldest album and lying down and snuggling with Dooyoung, putting the volume as soft as it will go before closing his eyes and enjoying the elders voice for the first time.

\--

Jongin feels nauseas as he wipes his hands down on his slacks for the tenth time since they got into the conference room. He’s early because he couldn’t just sit around and wait in the hallways of the company building, apparently his pacing was nauseating Joonmyeon and his lawyer.

It warranted nerves though, considering the actual CEO isn’t someone who just shows up that often, his appearances rare and nerve wracking. When Jongin was still a trainee the CEO handpicked him out of everyone else, apparently. He’s the type with that much say so and power to make or break you.

He never actually showed up to their training sessions, but when Jongin got pulled aside and was told he was going to be debuting as a soloist, they also said it was the CEO that decided he would shine best on his own. Jongin’s met him since then of course, at company parties and he occasionally shows up to his concerts. He wouldn’t say they’re close though.

He wonders if he’s about to severely disappoint the elder or make him completely regret every signing him in the first place. He knows his fans are going to be devastated once the news gets out that he isn’t renewing his contract, but Jongin has always sure to remind himself that while they love him, they can’t dictate his life.

As much as Jongin loves and adores his fans, the sane one’s at least, he can’t let them be a deciding factor on how he lives his life from now on. They’re _just_ fans and although they worship _Kai_, he’s still just Kim Jongin at the end of the day. He needs to be able to tell himself that and not feel guilty about wanting to do what’s best for himself, despite how they’ll react. He can’t apologize for wanting to just be happy.

He looks over when his lawyer pats him on the shoulder, realizing that the CEO and two other people have entered the room. Jongin takes a deep breath before standing and bowing politely as he greets them. He recognizes one of the people from his meeting about his contract renewal, the other he doesn’t really recognize but he’s dressed up a little nicely that he must be important.

He moves to sit down when the CEO motions for him to, nervously putting his hands in his lap and trying to keep his composure. Joonmyeon gives him a supportive squeeze on the shoulder, which is appreciated but doesn’t exactly calm his nerves completely. He smiles awkwardly when the CEO finally takes a seat, unsure of who is supposed to talk first.

“It’s been a while since I’ve had one of these meetings,” CEO Lee comments, making Jongin give him a double take, wondering who the hell in their company has called a meeting like this before. He wants to ask but maybe he just means a meeting important enough to even go to himself. “I’ve been told there’s a pregnancy involved?”

Jongin flushes hard at that, looking at his lawyer and knowing he would gladly start talking for him, but he thinks he should do this himself. So, he clears his throat when his lawyer actually starts to talk, getting looked at in surprise.

“Is it okay if I explain?” he questions, unsure if he really should but his lawyer nods his head, motioning for him to continue.

Jongin takes a deep breath, remembering why he’s doing this, so he thinks of Dooyoung and that’s all the strength he needs to go through with it. He’s doing this for him.

“There’s actually no pregnancy, my manager just said that, so it seemed important enough,” he explains sheepishly, knowing Joonmyeon is probably flushed now. “There’s already a kid,” he amends, getting a surprised look from the people in front of him, expect from Mr. Lee who is just sitting there with the same small smile on his face.

“I never once lied about anything when I was signed as a trainee,” he starts off, knowing that’s the first thing they’re going to think once he gets to the truth. “I had never been in a real relationship, that wasn’t a lie. I did however, really like someone when I was still in high school,” he admits, feeling himself start to flush at how this is going to sound out loud. “I didn’t date him, because I was an asshole. I just slept with him,” he admits, really hating that it’s the truth but it is.

“Apparently, he got pregnant, but I had already moved to Japan when he found out and we had lost contact. I didn’t know about it until recently, when I ran into him. We have a kid together, he’s five,” he finishes explaining, watching as the two that came with the CEO look absolutely scandalized, which he honestly expected.

“I really didn’t know. I promise you that. If I did, I would have never signed with you,” he admits out loud, which is probably a little too blunt, but he doesn’t care.

“Are you sure? Did you even get a DNA test? You can’t just believe,” one of the people starts speaking up but gets cut off by a look from the CEO.

Jongin finds himself getting mad at the accusation, knowing Kyungsoo would _never_ do that to him. Kyungsoo was the only person he ever slept with and Jongin knows that it was the same for the younger male too. For the person to try and insinuate otherwise makes him want to reach across the table and smack them upside the head.

“I’m not renewing my contract,” he states sternly, interrupting his lawyer and the people with the CEO arguing. He clears his throat and gives them both a hard stare, knowing he needs to put his foot down on what he wants and what he deserves. “I’m really thankful for everything you have done for me. I love singing and dancing and I’m happy I was able to do it for so long, but it’s draining,” he sighs out, scared about opening up a little too much but he needs to be honest now more than ever.

“The past five years I’ve done _everything_ you have asked of me. I went from schedule to schedule with little to no breaks in between. I kept my image nearly perfect and I made sure to work hard, even if it meant getting an IV drip before an event. No matter how _miserable_ I felt or how tired I was, I still went on stage and performed and pretended everything was fine because it was my job. I’ve been Kai for you for years, but I can’t do it anymore,” he gets out shakily, taking another deep breath before he continues.

“I have a little boy, who has spent the past five years not knowing a single thing about me. I’m not going to let him spend anymore time without me. He’s just five years old, he doesn’t need an idol for a dad. He doesn’t need Kai. He needs just Jongin, so I can’t keep doing it. I’m sorry but I can’t keep being Kai,” he exhales deeply as he finishes, looking nervously at the CEO who has remained silent this entire time.

He nods his head before he motions for the two he came in with to leave the room. Jongin gets really nervous when they look confused, but nonetheless do as they’re instructed. He wonders if he’s about to get yelled at or worse, threatened with a lawsuit. He’s scared and isn’t afraid to admit it, knowing that this is enough for _anyone_ to be completely ruined over.

“My client is aware that he has prior commitments before his contract expires at the end of July, thanks to an extension of his original contract which previously ended in April. Considering the circumstances, we were hoping to negotiate abiding by his original contract,” his lawyer speaks up, having probably worked overtime to come up with something plausible for the company to agree to on such short notice.

“I know I can’t just quit,” he speaks up, nervously watching as the CEO takes the papers his lawyer hands over. “I don’t want to let anyone down with the schedules I still have. I just don’t think I can be away from my family for that long. He’s only five, he doesn’t understand why I couldn’t even go home with him today,” he shares honestly, fidgeting with his hands some more and waiting for the elder to say something.

Jongin sits patiently, looking over at his manager who hasn’t said anything so far, looking just as nervous as him. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen now. He’s spoken his piece and he just has to _pray_ that the same man who handpicked him from dozens of trainees doesn’t regret it now.

He looks down at his phone and hesitates to check his messages that he can see are from Kyungsoo, hoping everything is okay. He looks up when it seems like the CEO is still contemplating things, too scared to actually check his messages and deciding to wait. Although it’s pretty hard since he knows Dooyoung is probably still upset at him.

“He’s five?” Mr. Lee questions so Jongin eagerly nods his head, knowing it’s a cheap shot but he unlocks his phone. He breathes out a sigh of relief when he sees Kyungsoo has sent him a new picture of him and Dooyoung, moving to give his phone to the CEO and hoping its enough to sway him in his favor.

The elder takes the phone and tips his glasses a bit, looking at the phone and Jongin feels a little relieved when he actually smiles. Jongin knows that the elder has a family and children, so he hopes it makes him a little sympathetic. It feels like forever before the man lets out a sigh and looks at him, really looks at him.

“We’ll have to figure out what your last schedule will be. Believe it or not but we do have other idols that can take your place for some of the performances or CF’s, but what we can’t negotiate, you _will_ have to go through with,” Mr. Lee finally comments after a while, handing him back his phone.

Jongin blinks slowly before hurriedly nodding his head, looking at his lawyer and feeling his face light up when the male looks relieved.

“I’m not getting sued?” he questions hesitantly, which makes the CEO laugh before shaking his head.

“Let’s at least send you off properly, okay?” Mr. Lee comments before he starts telling Joonmyeon to pull up all his schedules confirmed for the remainder of his contract.

Jongin lets himself smile a bit, looking down at his phone and the picture of Kyungsoo and Dooyoung, hoping he’s able to go home to them soon and for once not thinking it’s just a pipe dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO we only have about two chapters left of this fic! yes the end is near but we'll probably get an epilogue bc thats just how i am........and future drabbles... lol
> 
> that being said i never really imagined any of the exo members coming out and saying they're getting married/going to be a dad when i started writing this and while it hasn't hindered anything plot wise for this fic, it has made me decide to just, not include some things. i think its sad enough to see the constant hate jongdae is getting and honestly we do not need a reminder at how ugly and psychotic fans can be. or how incompetent agencies are protecting their idols.
> 
> so there won't be anything negative like fan reactions in the remainder of the fic. if that makes it a bit unrealistic, oh well. this is fiction and i would like to think if any of the boys were to ever dip and just go live their lives, people wouldn't be ugly and gross about it. it is realistic? at this point i say no, but i don't really care. its all fake and i can do what i want u.u 
> 
> the whole point of the fic has always been the journey of jongin and kyungsoo finding each other again and both kyungsoo and jongin being able to just finally make the right decisions that let them be /happy/. so it's going to focus on that and that alone. i really don't want to write any more angst or even have to put myself in the mindset of how psycho fans are, so worry not. kaisoo are getting their happy ending living on a farm with their baby boy and that's just that.


	16. 2017 part 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a phone call away

The number of schedules Jongin has gets narrowed down to last until the second week of April, just a couple of days passed his fifth anniversary. Everything else gets handed off to other artists on their label, a couple to the new boy group they’re going to be debuting soon. It feels weird having an actual date to countdown to now. Less than three months and he’s officially done being Kai.

It doesn’t mean he can suddenly just slack off though, being promised one last mini album set to be released at the end of March and several performances afterwards. So, it’s back to the training room in between his other schedules, meaning Jongin just can’t drive two hours out of the city to visit Kyungsoo and Dooyoung.

He feels miserable but he has several random days scattered out within the next three months he can go and stay for a bit before having to come back to the city. It’s not much but it’s what he has driving him forward, that and the nightly video calls. He texts throughout the day, when he has the chance and Dooyoung has somehow managed to learn to use the phone, sending him badly misspelled texts that have him really, _really_ missing him.

Jongin is home for the night and showered, phone already propped up on his desk as he waits for Kyungsoo to answer his video call. He perks up when he sees Kyungsoo’s face pop up, the younger male looking a little blue in the weird lighting from the kitchen.

“Lemme talk to papa!” he can hear Dooyoung shout. Kyungsoo laughs before the phone gets moved around and Dooyoung’s face pops up, making him smile. “Hi papa.”

“Hey baby,” he greets, waving at Dooyoung who almost drops the phone before he holds it too close to his face, making him laugh.

“We have a new stove now, I’m not allowed to touch it,” Dooyoung informs him seriously, moving the camera around so that he sees something that resembles a black appliance but it’s all so blurry and out of focus. He brings the camera back to his face but half of it is out of frame and makes him laugh a little.

“Stoves are for grownups,” he agrees getting a little dizzy with how much Dooyoung is moving around. “Did you brush your teeth yet?” he questions, knowing it’s a little past Dooyoung’s bedtime.

“Yes. Daddy bought me a new toothbrush. It has a bear on it,” Dooyoung replies seriously before he yawns, looking sleepy.

“Are you tired?” he questions, getting an immediate headshake from Dooyoung who moves to deny it.

“I’m not tired at all!”

“Yes, he is,” he can hear Kyungsoo deny from somewhere in the background, making him sigh. “C’mon, let’s go lay down,” Kyungsoo says faintly, grabbing the phone from Dooyoung who protests.

“He skipped his nap today,” Kyungsoo tells him, face barely visible as they turn the light off and walk around until they get back to his room.

“I’m sorry, I wanted to call earlier,” he apologizes, knowing the later he calls the less time he gets to talk to Dooyoung because the boy is usually on such a routine schedule, he never stays up too late.

It’s one of the major downsides of having to wait until the end of his day to video call, Dooyoung is almost always ready for bed or sometimes he’s already asleep. Jongin does his best to make sure his schedules end on time but some things just can’t be helped. It sucks, a lot, especially when Dooyoung is cranky and doesn’t want to talk to him at all.

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo replies, finally settling into bed with Dooyoung already lying next to him. “Dooyoung helped pick out the tile for the bathroom today.”

“You’re getting the bathroom redone, right?” he questions, grabbing his phone and moving to go lie down in bed as well, making sure to keep a lamp on so Kyungsoo can still see him clearly.

“Yes, Seungsoo helped me find people that can help renovate the house, since its so old now and everything is falling apart. They’re going to do the roof during the summer.”

Jongin bites his lip, wondering if he should offer to pay but recalling that Kyungsoo ended up inheriting a lot of money from his grandfather so he’ll probably say no. They haven’t exactly worked out the whole finance situation yet. Jongin has plenty of money just sitting there building interest, but apparently Kyungsoo does too. He supposes he should start a college fund for Dooyoung.

“I already started packing up some of my stuff,” he admits, looking around his room and several small boxes he’s managed to already take care of. Sure, he’s packing really early, but he knows he has a lot of useless things he could do without already.

“You can bring it when you come home. We can make room for it,” Kyungsoo says before Dooyoung interrupts him.

“Papa we saw a piggy today,” Dooyoung informs him tiredly, Kyungsoo focusing the camera so that he’s in the frame a little bit more clearly.

“A pig?” he questions, wondering what exactly they were doing that they saw a pig before remembering they don’t exactly live in the city.

“Mr. Jang down the road has pigs. We went to drop off some eggs for him. Dooyoung says he wants one for his birthday,” Kyungsoo shares, Dooyoung excitedly nodding his head, perking up enough despite looking tired.

“Can I have one papa?” Dooyoung questions, giving him a pleading look that has him really, _really_ wanting to tell him yes, despite the fact that he’s asking for a _pig_. But Kyungsoo quickly shakes his head no and gives him a look, so he reigns himself in.

“How about I think about it,” he replies, getting a pout from Dooyoung.

“But you never bought me a gift before,” Dooyoung mumbles before he sulks and lies down, making him deflate a little.

“I know, I’m sorry,” he apologizes, not knowing how to explain to Dooyoung he didn’t even know about him the past five years. He isn’t sure he would quite understand just yet.

“Why don’t you sing papa a song?” Kyungsoo questions Dooyoung who immediately shakes his head before hiding his face.

“You can sing?” he pesters, rubbing his eyes as he waits for Dooyoung to reply to him but the five-year-old decides to hide underneath his blanket instead of answering him. “Dooyoungie,” he calls, sighing when Dooyoung just whines from underneath the blanket.

“He’s just shy. He was singing one of your songs earlier today, right Dooyoung?” Kyungsoo pesters, poking at the lump at his side but Dooyoung doesn’t respond, other than moving around a bit and causing microphone to sound funny.

“You two have been listening to my album?” he questions, feeling himself perk up a bit, especially when Kyungsoo starts looking shy about it.

“We miss you. Dooyoung knows the songs better than me though,” Kyungsoo admits sheepishly, making him laugh a little. “He’ll sing it for you when you visit in two weeks.”

“I’m sorry its so far away,” he sighs out, wishing he didn’t have to put his life on a schedule. He just wants to be home with Kyungsoo and their son, but he can’t.

“It’s okay, we’ll be fine,” Kyungsoo replies, lifting the blanket a little and showing that Dooyoung has fallen asleep.

Jongin and Kyungsoo talk a bit more before he has to go head to bed for the night, having an early day tomorrow. He says goodnight and is then left feeling a little sad, hugging onto his pillow to help him get to sleep, too used to having Kyungsoo with him and hating how empty the bed feels.

_Soon_, he thinks to himself.

\--

Knowing that Jongin is eventually moving into the house to live with them, Kyungsoo really gets into renovating the place. He hires people for the important things like plumbing and electricity, but the things he can do on his own he does. With the help of Dooyoung of course, who is all too eager to help him. It keeps them both entertained, no longer having anything to do again to distract themselves majority of the day.

Their first main task is fixing the bathroom and majority of that involves hiring someone to redo the tub and the tile but he and Dooyoung paint and install a new faucet. They even go to the closest suburban area and find new shower curtains and Kyungsoo even lets Dooyoung pick out a new comforter and bed sheets.

Kyungsoo even splurges a bit and agrees to buy Dooyoung a bunk bed, even though its just him alone in his room. It makes him happy though and Kyungsoo leaves him to decide how he wants his room decorated. Meanwhile he doesn’t change too much to his own room but finally invests in a bed that won’t make his back constantly hurt. He even goes about getting rid of some things and trying to make more room for Jongin.

He’s not really sure how much things he could possibly have but Kyungsoo at least makes enough room in the closet and figures he’ll sort everything else out once Jongin is home with them for good. He tries not to think about how far away that is, instead painting a wall or two.

The first couple of weeks go by quickly since he’s so busy fixing everything within reach. When he isn’t fixing things, he’s entertaining Dooyoung and attempting to teach Holly not to poop under the couch. Before they know it Jongin finally gets a break and is able to visit them for a couple of days.

Kyungsoo would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous, still slowly getting used to the idea of Jongin being back in their lives, _permanently_. He spent so much time alone and avoiding anything to do with him, he still feels like he’s dreaming seeing Dooyoung and Jongin together. It doesn’t feel real at times, especially since they can’t exactly see him every day.

Kyungsoo can’t help but be happy though, watching Dooyoung excitedly help him with dinner for Jongin. He wasn’t exactly sure what Jongin’s favorite food is anymore, but Dooyoung insisted on chicken. He just hopes that Jongin isn’t on some weird diet, or can’t handle spicy food, because Dooyoung _loves_ spicy food. He still saves some without sauce though, just in case he can’t.

He’s already got the table set and is working on a pitcher of lemonade when he hears a knock on the door. He doesn’t even have time to set the pitcher down before Dooyoung is rushing to the door all on his own.

“I’ll answer it! I’ll do it!” Dooyoung rushes out, dashing out of the kitchen leaving him to attempt to chase after him.

Kyungsoo sighs as he makes it to the front foyer and can already hear Jongin greet Dooyoung. He walks in on Dooyoung being picked up by Jongin who is smothering him in kisses while Dooyoung laughs. Kyungsoo smiles as he walks up to the two, blinking back his surprise when Dooyoung steals Jongin’s cap and the elder’s hair comes into view, because its _grey_.

“Papa what _happened_ to your hair?” Dooyoung questions, looking wide eyed up at Jongin who laughs a little and moves to fix the way his hat has flattened his hair.

“I dyed it. Do you like it?” Jongin questions, looking at Dooyoung curiously.

“You look like an ahjussi,” Dooyoung replies, which has him stifling a little laugh at how surprised Jongin looks at the response.

“I look like an _ahjussi_?” Jongin questions incredulously, making Dooyoung giggle and nod his head. “Should I dye it?” Jongin questions seriously. Dooyoung nods his head eagerly, reaching over and patting Jongin’s hair before giggling again.

“What color?” Jongin questions, entertaining Dooyoung while Kyungsoo goes and grabs the elder’s bags from the porch and takes them to the living room while the two of them follow after him.

“Pink!” Dooyoung shouts, making Kyungsoo look over and watch Jongin’s face and not being able to hold back a laugh at the shock. “And blue!” Dooyoung amends, looking excited despite Jongin still reeling.

“I’ll take both into consideration, but first let me say hi to your daddy,” Jongin comments, setting Dooyoung on the floor before moving and pulling him into a hug.

Kyungsoo smiles and gladly returns the hug, feeling his cheeks heat up a little when Jongin leans down and kisses him. He’s a little put out that it doesn’t last that long though, Jongin pulling away before kissing him on the cheek and then reaching down for Dooyoung again.

“Daddy made chicken!” Dooyoung announces, tugging on Jongin’s shirt and pointing to the kitchen. “I helped!”

“You did?”

Kyungsoo goes to the kitchen and starts grabbing plates for them all, setting them on the table before grabbing cups for them too. Dooyoung is already eating by the time he brings the lemonade to the table, fingers sticky from the sauce. Kyungsoo hands him a napkin and wipes at his face before turning to Jongin who looks a little red as he clears his throat.

“Is it too spicy?” he questions, feeling a little bad when Jongin coughs and nods his head a little. Kyungsoo hands him a cup of lemonade, watching as he grabs it and nearly downs the whole thing.

Kyungsoo goes and grabs the small bowl of chicken he _didn’t_ smother in sauce. He’s glad he at least had the thought to and feeling a little apologetic when Jongin is on his second glass of lemonade.

“Sorry, Dooyoung loves spicy,” he apologizes before sitting down next to the elder and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing his own food.

“You can _eat_ that?” Jongin questions incredulously to Dooyoung who nods his head, looking confused. “I thought I was going to die,” he mutters, shaking his head and eating the non-spicy chicken.

“I ate a lot of spicy food when I was pregnant with him,” he shares, reaching over and cleaning Dooyoung’s mouth again. “I’m convinced he has no feeling in his taste buds,” he adds on, knowing Dooyoung has a pretty high heat tolerance when it comes to food.

Jongin looks surprised before paying attention to Dooyoung tell him everything he’s missed the past couple of weeks. It’s mostly stories about the chickens and Holly learning how to use a litter box, which Jongin looks highly confused about. He doesn’t get to ask though because Dooyoung doesn’t stop talking.

Kyungsoo isn’t even used to Dooyoung talking so much, so he doesn’t interrupt their conversation and instead goes about cleaning up. He puts any leftovers away in containers for tomorrow and sets their dirty dishes in the new dishwasher, wiping down the table before he goes to join the two in the living room.

“Daddy! Look! Papa got me presents!” Dooyoung shouts, running up to him with a cute plush pig that has him smiling.

“Did you tell him thank you?” he questions, surprised when he sees several other toys sitting in a pile next to Jongin who is busy opening up what looks like a Lego set.

“Yes, papa got you a present too,” Dooyoung whispers, tugging on his shirt and making him bend down. “It’s a surprise.”

Kyungsoo looks over at Jongin who deflates a little and sighs as Dooyoung comes over and sits in front of him with his plush pig before grabbing the legos from Jongin and examining them in confusion.

“I don’t see the toy,” Dooyoung comments, holding up the bag of legos with a frown.

“You have to build it. It’s like a puzzle,” he explains for Jongin who is busy with something else in his bag. “You follow the picture.”

“I wanna do it,” Dooyoung grumbles, taking the instructions from him and reading over them seriously.

Kyungsoo holds his hands up and lets him do what he wants, knowing he could probably figure it out from the pictures alone. It’s a set made for kids so it shouldn’t be too hard. Dooyoung is usually pretty good at puzzles so legos makes sense. He just wonders why Jongin thought he needed _six_ sets of them. At least a couple look like they’re from overseas too.

“This is for you,” Jongin speaks up softly, making him turn and look down at the elder’s hands where he’s holding onto a silver bracelet.

Kyungsoo blinks back his surprise, looking up at Jongin before hesitantly moving to grab it. It looks kind of old, but he doesn’t say that, not wanting to hurt his feelings. Honestly, no one other than family has ever given him a gift before, so he doesn’t really know what to say.

“It’s mine. My mom gave it to me when I moved back here, and they couldn’t come right away. She didn’t want me to be sad because they couldn’t be with me. So, I’m giving it to you, so you’re not sad when I’m not here,” Jongin explains quietly, looking nervous as he fidgets with his hands a bit.

Kyungsoo tries to tell him thank you but feels himself getting choked up, his eyes starting to water with the want to cry. Thankfully Jongin pulls him into a hug so he can at least bury his face in his jacket when cracks a bit, hugging the elder back tightly before pulling away once he’s calmed down. He still doesn’t trust himself to talk yet though, instead leaning forward and pulling the elder into a kiss that only gets interrupted because they both hear Dooyoung make a grossed-out noise.

Kyungsoo laughs a little when he turns and sees Dooyoung covering his eyes, Jongin joining him before reaching over and ruffling his hair. Kyungsoo smiles watching the two before he attempts to put the bracelet on, Jongin moving to help him before giving him another kiss on the cheek.

“I love you,” Kyungsoo says once he knows he won’t start crying, smiling when Jongin says he loves him too.

They spent the rest of the night completing Dooyoung’s lego sets and watching television before its time for bed.

\--

Jongin is nervous as they get out of the car and arrive at the columbarium, not really knowing why considering Kyungsoo’s grandpa can’t exactly judge him from beyond the grave. But he also thinks that he _might_, and he knows that it sounds weird out loud, but he wants to make a good impression. He doesn’t want Kyungsoo’s grandpa to hate him.

It makes zero sense to want validation from someone who isn’t even Kyungsoo’s dad, let alone _alive_ anymore, but Jongin knows how important he was to his boyfriend and their son. Not to mention, it was Kyungsoo’s grandfather that helped during Kyungsoo’s pregnancy with Dooyoung. He was the one helping raise Dooyoung for the past five years and Jongin can’t ever thank him enough, let alone thank him _at all_ in person.

It feels sort of bittersweet for him not have got to meet the person responsible for helping Kyungsoo all these years. He really wishes he could have; been able to thank him for doing what he couldn’t do. He owes him so much and he’s also sad that Kyungsoo and Dooyoung no longer have him around.

Kyungsoo is apparently in charge of his grandfather’s ashes, one of the many things the elder left him in his will. So, they recently moved him back to the countryside so Kyungsoo and Dooyoung could visit him easier. When Kyungsoo asked if he could come with them to visit, Jongin couldn’t even think of denying him that request.

The place is a little old looking but still nice even if it’s a bit outdated design wise. It still makes him nervous being around so many urns, but he thinks that has nothing to do with it being Kyungsoo’s grandpa. Death is just something he doesn’t really how to deal with if he’s being honest.

He doesn’t let that hinder him from making sure his boys are okay though. Just from the pictures and the stories, he knows how big of a role Kyungsoo’s grandfather played in their lives, especially Dooyoung.

When they finally get to his spot Kyungsoo moves to kneel down along with Dooyoung so he does too, watching as Kyungsoo points out the right place but Jongin can already see the pictures they have up of him, and he knows that’s his grandfather.

“Hi grandpa, we brought papa with us,” Dooyoung says quietly, looking sad but its nothing compared to how heartbroken Kyungsoo looks, making him immediately put his arm around the younger male.

“He’s scared of the chickens,” Dooyoung says after a while, making Kyungsoo snort out a laugh that at least stops him from crying.

“They _terrorize_ me,” he defends quietly, sulking a bit as Kyungsoo stifles his laughter.

He sighs as Dooyoung keeps talking, updating his grandpa’s urn on things that are new, which mostly includes him. Jongin is a little surprised at how well Dooyoung is able to articulate what he wants to say, a little upset to hear that the five-year-old is sad sometimes because its just him and Kyungsoo. Even more upset to hear that Dooyoung can even tell that Kyungsoo is sad sometimes too.

They spend about twenty minutes just sitting there, both Kyungsoo and Dooyoung telling him stories about the elder. Jongin learns a lot, finding himself laughing along with them over the funnier stories. By the time Kyungsoo says he’s ready to leave Jongin feels more at ease, not really knowing why he was nervous in the first place.

Jongin promises he’ll take good care of Kyungsoo and Dooyoung when the two leave before he follows after them.

\--

Eventually Jongin has to go back to the city and Dooyoung cries for five minutes before he’s able to finally get himself out the door. Even then, he doesn’t want to. It takes all his willpower to even get in his car and even more to not turn the car around as soon as the house isn’t in view. He _hates_ it but knows he’ll have to do it several more times before he’s able to just stay home for good.

It’s the first week of February that the company schedules a statement to be released that he won’t be renewing his contract and through mutual agreement his previous extension will become void. Jongin’s already read through the statements that will get posted to his webpage and has already handwritten his own note explaining in as little details as possible about wanting to focus on his family and mental health for a while.

They don’t call it a retirement, rather referring to it as an indefinite hiatus. Jongin is glad that the company at least emphasizes it was a decision met on mutual agreement and that they’re supportive of his decision. Jongin makes sure to read and edit his own note and even have Sehun read over it before he sends a final copy to his manager to pass along.

The day everything gets posted Jongin doesn’t even go online. He spends majority of his day in the practice room, learning the finishing touches of the new choreography he’s given for his last comeback and then talking with coordinators for his last mini concert that will act more as a fan meet.

He wasn’t completely sure he even wanted one, knowing he’s bound to get way too emotional about it and he isn’t exactly keen on crying in front of _that_ many people. But the company is still a company and its one last way to make money off of Kai. So, he agrees and is glad that he at least picks which songs he’ll perform and any new stages they can think of.

He manages to take a break from everything when Sehun manages to crash his mini rehearsal, walking into the practice room with a sad looking salad for him and a burger for himself. Jongin somehow manages to trade with him and ignores the scolding look his choreographer sends him for cheating on his diet.

“Have you looked online today?” Sehun questions and Jongin immediately shakes his head and takes another bite of the burger.

“Too scared,” he admits, although he talked to Kyungsoo last night for over two hours and the younger male made him feel better enough to finally get him to stop worrying enough to get to sleep. He’s worried all over again today, paranoid really, about anyone finding out about his little family.

“They’re really supportive. Some people are sad but, the company did a good job,” Sehun replies and it makes him feel somewhat better, knowing no one is planning on rioting outside the company office.

“I still feel bad, not being completely honest about, well, you know,” he replies quietly, not wanting to say it out loud when he knows there are people outside.

There’s only a handful of people that actually know about Kyungsoo and Dooyoung in the company and he wants to keep it that way. Only people that needed to know were made aware and everyone else is just living in ignorance. The company has people sign non-disclosure agreements being hired in the first place, so he feels okay that none of them will say anything, but he wants to be careful.

“Your private life is none of their business,” Sehun replies easily and Jongin is sort of jealous that he already has that mindset so early into his own career, when it’s taken him up until now to embrace it.

It’s sort of ironic though, considering Jongin never really showed more than what was required. He doesn’t even have a personal Instagram account and the few times he’s posted on his official one made by the company it’s because they told him he should. It’s still hard to remind himself that he doesn’t owe his fans the truth for leaving, not when it involves people he cares about and isn’t willing to put in the spotlight.

“I know,” he mumbles, taking another bite of his burger before smiling and grabbing his phone to show Sehun a new picture of Dooyoung. “You were right about the legos,” he comments, showing off the picture Kyungsoo sent of Dooyoung finishing the last set he got him.

“You know at first glance he doesn’t look like you, but the longer you stare the more he does,” Sehun comments, tilting his head a little and then tilting the phone. “Rahee looks more like you just glancing at her.”

“I think it’s the eyes,” he replies seriously, knowing that Dooyoung’s are a lot wider shaped than his own. “He has Kyungsoo’s eyes,” he says once its just the two of them alone in the practice room.

“Maybe the next one will look more like you,” Sehun offers, making him go completely still.

He clears his throat a bit before awkwardly nodding. “We um, haven’t talked about that yet,” he admits sheepishly, knowing they talked about it at a point but that was when he didn’t even know about Dooyoung. Kyungsoo’s answer makes a lot more sense in retrospect though.

“Well, you want more don’t you?” Sehun questions, although he doesn’t really have to. Sehun has seen firsthand how he gets around kids, especially Dooyoung.

“Of course, but I think we should be married before we have another one,” Jongin replies easily, pausing when he realizes what he’s said.

“Sounds reasonable,” Sehun replies, poking at his salad before sighing and dumping more dressing in it.

Jongin doesn’t know why he’s shocked at his own thoughts of wanting to marry Kyungsoo. It would be more surprising if he _didn’t_ want to. He just hasn’t exactly said it out loud yet. Of course, he wants to marry Kyungsoo and have more kids with him. He doesn’t know why he hasn’t thought about it yet.

Now that it’s been brought up though, that’s all he can think about for the rest of the day. He wonders if Dooyoung would want a brother or a sister, or if Kyungsoo is even okay with having more kids to begin with. It gives him the extra push he needs that day, already knowing what exactly he wants to do once this is all over.

\--

Kyungsoo quietly adjusts his phone angle, looking over at Dooyoung who is fast asleep next to him on the couch. The five-year-old hasn’t been feeling good, having caught a cold and has been pretty lethargic since. He hasn’t had a fever so far and Kyungsoo is thankful. He really hopes he gets over it soon, because this is the third night in a row that he’s missed Jongin’s call.

He adjusts the volume on the television when Jongin finally answers the call, smiling a little as the elder’s face comes into view. He’s wearing clothes that are nicer enough that he assumes he filmed something today, since that’s been the case lately.

“Is he asleep?” Jongin questions, looking a little put how when he nods his head.

“He fell asleep around seven,” he admits, not having had the energy himself to get up and carry him to bed just yet. “He really wasn’t feeling good today,” he adds on, looking down when Dooyoung sniffles in his sleep and elevating his head a little better.

“I’ll try and call him tomorrow morning,” Jongin comments, looking a little tired himself which just makes Kyungsoo worry even more.

“Did you eat dinner?” he questions the elder, getting ready to scold him again if he holds up another one of those gross looking protein shakes. Thankfully he nods his head.

“I ate grilled chicken with my manager,” Jongin replies, making him relax a little bit. “I even had a bite of his cheesecake.”

“Good,” he mumbles, looking down at Dooyoung again and checking his forehead, paranoid about him getting a fever and wanting to monitor him as much as he can.

“You don’t have to worry about me so much,” Jongin speaks up, making him pout a little.

“I can’t help it,” he huffs out, worrying all the time now that Jongin is getting busier the closer he gets to the end of all of this.

“Are you wearing your jacket?” Jongin questions, making him slowly nod his head, not having a chance to take it off earlier after feeding the chickens, which he explains. Jongin squints his eyes a little at the mention of chickens, which makes him smile.

“They just aren’t used to you yet. Once you’re home for good they won’t chase you,” he promises but Jongin doesn’t look the least bit convinced.

“They have it out for me,” Jongin mutters stubbornly, making him stifle his laughter as to not wake up Dooyoung. “They do! You saw how the really fat one tried flying at me last time!” Jongin argues and he can’t help but laugh at the image that pops into his head, having to cover his mouth so he doesn’t make too much noise.

“I’m glad you at least think it’s funny.”

Kyungsoo calms down enough in order to reply but still can’t help but snicker a little. “Even Dooyoung wasn’t that scared when he was a baby.”

“Are you calling me a baby?” Jongin questions, making him shake his head and smile a little.

“You’re older than me, you even have grey hair,” he snickers out, immediately moving to lower his volume when Jongin laughs a little too loudly.

He looks down when Dooyoung whines, sitting up and looking around in confusion before he sneezes. Kyungsoo sighs as he reaches for a tissue and wipes his nose for him.

“Wanna talk to papa?” he questions Dooyoung who nods his head and grabs the phone away from him.

“Papa I’m sick,” Dooyoung immediately whines to Jongin who whines back at him.

Kyungsoo uses the opportunity to get up and finally take off his jacket from when he went to feed the chickens earlier. He goes and hangs it up in his closet before coming back to the living room to find Jongin singing to Dooyoung who is drifting back to sleep.

Kyungsoo watches and waits for Dooyoung to fully fall asleep, moving to grab the phone and telling Jongin to hold on for a moment while he picks Dooyoung up and takes him to his bed. He makes sure to elevate his head so he can breathe better before covering him up and turning on his night light. He rushes back to find the phone still sitting on the coffee table, Jongin talking to Holly who is the only thing in his view.

“Sorry, I needed to put him to bed before it got too late,” he apologizes, turning the television off and the lights before he walks to his room.

“It’s okay. I’m glad I at least got to talk to him for a little bit,” Jongin replies, messing with his hair a bit. “Is it okay if I change?”

Kyungsoo tries not to blush as he nods his head, trying to avoid looking at Jongin change but failing. He feels his ears turn hot at how much, well, _bulkier_ Jongin looks. He does his best not to ogle too much in case he gets caught and immediately looks away when Jongin finally settles back at his desk he usually props his phone up on.

“Are you blushing?” Jongin questions, which only makes him even more embarrassed than he already is.

“No,” he replies before sulking, glaring at the elder when he laughs. “Shut up,” he adds for good measure, pouting when the elder laughs louder.

“Should I keep my shirt off?” Jongin questions and he huffs before putting the phone face down and rubbing at his face to fight off the embarrassment.

When he finally doesn’t feel like his cheeks are on fire, he grabs the phone again, glaring at Jongin who is still smiling despite everything.

“So, you’re allowed to tease me about the chickens trying to kill me, but I can’t tease you?” Jongin questions seriously, so he nods his head and continues to sulk as he lies on his side.

“Yes,” he mumbles stubbornly, watching as Jongin sighs before nodding his head. “Can you stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep?” he questions, feeling exhausted now that he’s in bed. He doesn’t even think he wants to get up and change himself into his pajamas.

“You aren’t getting sick too, are you?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head, “No. I’m just tired,” he replies quietly, resting his eyes and feeling himself doze off. He falls asleep to the elder singing the same song he was for Dooyoung, not recognizing it but unable to stop himself from smiling as he drifts off.

\--

Jongin watches nervously as Dooyoung looks through the booklet in his hands, the five-year-old tilting his head and looking a little confused. Honestly Jongin doesn’t know why he is as nervous as he is, knowing there’s really nothing he can do now if Dooyoung doesn’t like the way his last album came out. It’s already printed and set to be released soon.

“Papa why don’t you have a shirt in this one?” Dooyoung questions seriously, making his cheeks heat up in embarrassment.

“They told me I didn’t need one,” is what he reasons with Dooyoung, getting an even more confused look before the five-year-old shrugs and turns to the next page. “Do you like my pink or blue hair better?” he questions, looking down at the pictures and watching as Dooyoung contemplates it.

It’s his last time coming home before he gets to come home for good and he couldn’t not bring his album with him for his five-year-old to judge. His album is set to come out soon and then it’s a couple of weeks of promoting and his final concert and then Jongin is _done_, by some miracle. Majority of his stuff has been moved in with Kyungsoo and Dooyoung, anything that doesn’t fit in the storage unit outside near the chicken coop.

He’s honestly really tired and his legs hurt from the hours of practice he put in before he left the city. This is his last real break before everything, and he’s been anxious to let Dooyoung judge his album. He’s the first person Jongin wanted to show it to and its sort of hilarious to him how Dooyoung doesn’t realize how big of a deal it is to listen to it when it’s not even officially out yet.

“Both!” Dooyoung decides, making him smile at how his eyes crinkle up as he giggles at him. “They don’t make you look like an ahjussi,” he adds.

“Look, I wrote you a note in the back,” he comments, making Dooyoung flip to the very back and where the thanks to section is at. He had to be very obscure about it and he’s not really sure anyone but Dooyoung will understand.

“Papa I can’t read that,” Dooyoung dismisses him, pouting a bit before deciding he wants to look through the pictures.

Jongin deflates but lets him look at the pictures instead, rolling his eyes when Dooyoung giggles every time there’s a picture he thinks is funny looking. He can’t even be offended by it, realizing how the five-year-old probably just thinks they’re all funny since he doesn’t quite understand why he’s posing in the first place.

He holds his arms out for Kyungsoo when he comes and joins them on the couch, hugging onto him and inhaling deeply. Kyungsoo’s shampoo smells like roses and Jongin’s missed the smell so much he searched all over the place for a similar scent for himself. He snuggles with the younger male and watches as he peeks at the album Dooyoung is still giggling at.

“Make sure you put Holly in her cage before bed,” Kyungsoo tells Dooyoung who nods his head and gets up, handing the album over to them before doing as he was told.

Jongin watches as Kyungsoo looks through the album himself, curious as to what his reaction is going to be. He isn’t that surprised when he starts turning red at the ones where he isn’t fully clothed, trying not to tease him about it.

“Which one is your favorite?” he pesters, kissing Kyungsoo on the cheek and then waiting. He mentally bets on which one he thinks it is, since Kyungsoo kind of ogled it a bit longer than the rest.

“I’m not telling you,” Kyungsoo states plainly, making him deflate before letting out a sigh at how stubborn the younger male can be.

“Before I forget,” he mumbles, getting up and reaching into his bag and pulling out a small envelope.

He fidgets a little as he sits back down, unsure what Kyungsoo’s reaction will be but already knowing not to expect much. He clears his throat before he hands the envelope over, watching as Kyungsoo curiously opens it up and starts looking confused.

“It’s for my last concert,” he explains before Kyungsoo has a chance to read the tickets himself. “You don’t have to come. There will be a lot of people and I’ll probably cry at some point anyways and you don’t want to see that. I just figured in case you wanted to,” he comments before biting his lip.

“Dooyoung doesn’t do well with loud noises,” Kyungsoo replies slowly, which Jongin was expecting to hear.

“Yeah, I figured,” he replies with shrug, not too broken up about it since it’s asking for a lot. He can’t exactly guarantee no one would see them and Jongin doesn’t want them to risk it, even if it’s for him. “Don’t feel bad, okay? Even if you can’t go, the tickets are still mementos,” he adds before looking over when he hears Dooyoung calling for him.

“Are you sure?” Kyungsoo questions as he gets up, looking a little conflicted.

“It’s okay,” he replies easily, leaning down and giving him a quick kiss before he rushes the rest of the way to the restroom where the boy is still yelling for him.

“What is it?” he questions exasperatedly, watching as Dooyoung points towards the ceiling where there is a giant grasshopper just, chilling.

“Can you pick him up so I can put him outside?” Dooyoung questions, making him try not to grimace.

“How about we just let him stay up there for tonight?” he dismisses, moving Dooyoung out of the restroom and trying not to shiver.

One of the many things he is going to have to get used to is the bugs that come with living in the country. He just hopes there are never any mice. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, we only have one more chapter left  
thank you all for your lovely comments btw! i may not get to reply to all of them but i read them all!!! also thank you for following the story up until now ;A; i'm glad yall have enjoyed it!
> 
> yall can also thank seulrene subunit news for this actually being posted tonight


	17. 2017 part 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happily ever after

Jongin tiredly tapes over the last box of his things and sets it down near the door, letting out a deep breath as wipes his forehead. He looks at how empty his apartment is for the first time in five years and can’t help but feel a little sad. He spent five years living there and yet majority of the time he felt like he was never home. It’s weird to think about how many times he only ever got a couple of hours of sleep and then was out the door again.

It was still his home though, regardless how much or how little time he spent in it. He’s still going to miss it, considering its been his place for the entirety of his career. He moved in when he was just a rookie with way too many worries and now, he’s moving out as an idol who has done everything his rookie self-hoped to accomplish. It’s bittersweet in a way.

He knows that his home is wherever Kyungsoo and Dooyoung is, but there’s still some sort of natural attachment he’s formed to his own place. It also starts really hitting him that in a week it will all be over and done with. It’s what he wants but it’s still a lot to take in. He keeps pushing it to the back of his mind, but it really is starting to creep up on him now. He knows its going to hit him all at once, he’s just waiting for it, but he knows it probably won’t hit him until he’s on stage with his luck.

He lets out a tired sigh before turning towards the door when he hears it open, smiling at Seungsoo as he comes into the apartment again. The elder has been helping him pack up the last of his belongings to take back to the house since he has the day off and Kyungsoo can’t exactly drive to do it himself and Jongin is too busy. Jongin felt a little awkward about it, considering he hasn’t really had a proper conversation with the elder about everything, but so far its been okay.

“I didn’t realize how many boxes my car could fit until today,” Seungsoo laughs out as he wipes his hands on his jeans. “The album is really good by the way. There’s a girl at work that actually got into your concert.”

Jongin can’t hide his surprise, “Really?” he questions, considering he was told it sold out basically as soon as the tickets went online. If he didn’t already have seats reserved for his own family, he wouldn’t have been able to get them in. “Did you tell her you know me?” he questions hesitantly, wondering if that’s a good or bad idea.

“No. I usually have to hide the fact that we have idols staying at the hotel from the younger workers, let alone that I know one,” Seungsoo snorts out, making him nod his head. That makes sense and he’s pretty sure the elder has told him something like that before, he doesn’t really know why he was worried in the first place.

“Usually most people brag about knowing an idol,” he replies easily, handing Seungsoo his water bottle and watching as he laughs a little.

“I honestly don’t think they would believe me,” Seungsoo replies, making him fight back a laugh. “I guess it’s a good idea not to though. They all know Kyungsoo now and Dooyoung has met a couple of them.”

Jongin nods his head, knowing it’s not likely that they would come to the far-fetched conclusion that Dooyoung is his son, but you can never be too sure. He rather not risk it and is glad that at least Seungsoo thinks the same way. He knows for sure Kyungsoo’s parents know now, considering he listened to his mom talk about how she tore into Mrs. Do the last time he was visiting. Kyungsoo said he told his dad and it apparently won’t be a problem. So, he’s lucky.

He’s a little sad that apparently Kyungsoo doesn’t have a relationship with his parents because of Dooyoung. He wishes it were different for him, but if they were never supportive them, he supposes they don’t deserve to be in Dooyoung’s life. As hard as that is to admit.

“Thank you,” he replies, clearing his throat a little and taking a deep breath, telling himself t just say it before he chickens out. “And I’m sorry,” he apologizes, getting a confused look from the elder.

“For what?” Seungsoo questions seriously, eyeing him a bit and waiting.

Jongin fidgets with his hands a bit as he shrugs, not really sure how to fully explain himself.

“For not telling you about me and Kyungsoo before?” he replies hesitantly, knowing it would have saved everyone a lot of heartache if he had just been open back then and not cared what would have happened if Seungsoo knew about them. Or if _anyone_ knew about them really.

“I didn’t exactly treat Kyungsoo right when we were younger. I was a stupid teenager that was too scared to admit how I felt and would have rather hid it than let anyone else know. So, I’m sorry that Kyungsoo had to suffer all that time alone because of me,” he explains fully, waiting for Seungsoo to say something.

“Oh, that,” Seungsoo replies eventually, making him nod and hesitantly look up at the elder. He doesn’t look mad, which is good, but Jongin doesn’t think he’s ever seen Seungsoo mad in the first place. “You two were both young. It doesn’t matter in the end, I don’t think.”

“Still, maybe I could have been there for him all this time,” he replies quietly, knowing that’s his biggest regret out of all of this, that he wasn’t able to be there for them both. He would have never made Kyungsoo go through everything all on his own if he had known.

“Maybe, but maybe not. You two were _teenagers_, maybe it would have just made things worse. I guess we’ll never really know,” Seungsoo replies, which is something he never had thought about.

He never pictured anything going wrong if he had known and been able to be there for him. Maybe Seungsoo is right though, a million things could have happened, and he’ll never really know. He’ll just have to live with the fact that he wasn’t there, and its partially his own fault. At least the elder doesn’t hate him for it, he can at least be thankful for that. At least, he doesn’t think the elder hates him.

“So that means you don’t hate me, right?” he questions uncertainly, frowning a little when Seungsoo just laughs at him and shakes his head.

“I haven’t seen Kyungsoo this happy in god knows how long. It’s because of you, so how could I hate you?”

Jongin feels nothing but relief at the elder’s words, nodding his head and giving him a small smile.

“This the last box?”

“It should be, but I guess I should double check,” he replies before moving towards his living room area and then doing one last check of the place to make sure nothing gets left behind.

He looks around his bedroom and checks the closet before the restroom. He doesn’t spot anything other than what the apartment originally came with. When he finds nothing left, he makes sure to turn off the lights and then goes back to the front foyer where Seungsoo is waiting. Jongin double checks the front of the apartment before nodding his head and taking a deep breath.

That’s everything. Not a single thing he’s leaving behind.

“Okay, lets go,” he comments, walking towards the door and taking one last glance back before he leaves.

\--

Kyungsoo carefully combs through Dooyoung’s hair before snipping away at the too long strands, repeating the process a couple of times. It’s been a while since he’s cut the boy’s hair, so he needs a little bit more than a trim, his hair having grown out a lot more than he actually realized. Dooyoung is distracted by the phone in his hands so he moves to tilt the five-year-old’s chin up so he can make sure the front part is even.

He smiles finally being able to see Dooyoung’s face clearly, his hair no longer falling over his eyes. He blows on Dooyoung’s face to get rid of some of the cut hair and laughs a little at how his nose starts scrunching up as some hair falls onto it. He brushes through his hair a couple more times before he finishes up the cut, patting him on the head to let him know he’s done.

“Why don’t you see if grandma needs help in the kitchen?” he questions, taking the phone away from Dooyoung and getting a little pout in return for it but the boy obediently nods his head. Kyungsoo helps him down from the bathroom counter and then watches him go.

He cleans up the stray hair from area before he leaves the restroom and goes to see if either of Jongin’s parents need any help with anything since its their first time visiting. He was surprised when Jongin’s mom called and asked if they could visit but was also happy that they actually wanted to. So, they arranged to have them over so they could watch Jongin’s comeback showcase together. Jongin’s mom even agreed to cook for them so he’s had time to do things, like give Dooyoung a much-needed haircut.

He thought it would be a little awkward having them over but honestly, it’s been nice having people in the house. He was getting a little lonely with it just being him and Dooyoung again that he’s thankful they want to spend time with them. Dooyoung has taken to them both a whole lot easier than his own parents, which is a little sad, but even he doesn’t have a great relationship with his own parents. He wasn’t expecting Dooyoung to have anything more than he did.

Although his dad has been trying a little bit more, it’s still nothing compared to what he sees between Jongin and his parents. Their relationship is so much different than anything he ever had with his own, but he’s thankful for it. He’s glad that Dooyoung gets more people in his family now, knowing there’s still a little bit of a hole that his grandpa left behind.

He smiles as he comes into the living room and sees that Jongin’s dad is almost done setting up their new television for him. He didn’t want anything big but Jongin _insisted_ on a smart tv that he had no clue how to even begin working. Thankfully Jongin’s dad seems more technologically savvy than him because he’s already got the livestream on standby on the television.

“Thank you for setting it up. I honestly was too scared to take it out of the box,” he admits as he goes and sits next to the elder on the floor where he’s reading over a manual.

“It’s no problem. Jongin-ah probably would have broken something,” the elder comments making him smile and fight back a laugh.

“I only got a smartphone last year when I moved in with Seungsoo hyung,” he admits, still being highly confused a lot of times when he does get online. “I miss my flip phone,” he admits sheepishly, although he likes how he can listen to music on his current one. Well, Jongin’s music anyway.

“Jongin always managed to break his. I don’t know _how_. Those things are bricks compared to these things,” he comments, pointing to his own smartphone that looks similar to the one Jongin has.

Kyungsoo nods his head, knowing exactly how Jongin breaking his phones went for the two of them. He looks over towards the kitchen when he hears Dooyoung call for him, wondering what he needs. He excuses himself before getting up and going over towards the kitchen, spotting Dooyoung standing on his stool near Jongin’s mom, apron already on.

“Look! I made it!” Dooyoung informs him happily, showing him a small dumpling in his hand that looks a little wonky, but it’s not horrible for a five-year-old.

“Wow, you’re a natural,” he compliments, reaching over and giving Dooyoung a kiss on the cheek when he smiles brightly at him. “I bet they’re going to taste _really_ yummy,” he compliments, looking at how Jongin’s mom is already almost done prepping all of the dumplings.

“Grandma makes yummy food!” Dooyoung agrees, getting a doting smile from Jongin’s mom. “Just like you daddy.”

Kyungsoo smiles and nods his head, cleaning up a bit of the mess and listening to Jongin’s mom talk to Dooyoung about when Jongin was little and used to help her in the kitchen. He gets himself a glass of juice and listens along with Dooyoung, not having heard many stories about Jongin before he met him.

Jongin’s mom is sweet and Kyungsoo finds himself wishing his mom would have cooked so he could help her. They always had chefs or maids and he was never really allowed in his mother’s personal space unless she was in a good mood. It wasn’t that often though, his mother was more concerned with how she looked or how they looked towards everyone. He doesn’t really have any stories to tell Dooyoung about her.

It makes him sad but he’s also thankful to have Jongin’s mom here. He knows Dooyoung misses their grandpa and while no one can quite replace him, having more family with them to fill in the roles he played in their lives is all Kyungsoo could ever ask for.

He clears his throat before excusing himself to go check on the chickens outside, needing a little bit of fresh air. He makes sure to take his phone with him, just in case Jongin has a moment to talk before his showcase. He sighs at the cooler temperature, glad that it isn’t that hot out yet as he goes towards the coop to check on the hens.

He takes a picture of the biggest and oldest one, laughing a little before sending it to Jongin, knowing the elder will get flustered over it once he’s able to check his phone. He doesn’t expect to see an incoming phone call just as he’s walking back to the backdoor though, immediately moving to answer it.

“You aren’t busy?” he instantly questions, sitting down in the grass and plucking at some dandelions that are already blooming. He’ll really need to do some yard work once he has the time, hopefully Jongin can at least help him.

“I’m waiting for my dinner, so I have a little bit of time to talk. I’m nervous,” Jongin rushes out, making him frown a little.

“You have performances all the time though,” he argues, looking up at the house and smiling hearing Dooyoung’s laughter, even from outside. “You shouldn’t be nervous. You’ll do well, you always do,” he adds on, hoping he sounds reassuring enough for the elder.

“I know, it’s just, I can actually count how many times I have left being on stage and I don’t know,” Jongin says quietly, sounding a lot more vulnerable than he was prepared to hear getting a random phone call so soon.

“Do you not want to quit?” he questions hesitantly, knowing its been something he’s avoided asking Jongin about because he’s been scared of the answer. If Jongin didn’t want to quit, Kyungsoo would have to be supportive, but he would be worried about how exactly that would work. It’s already miserable enough having him gone so much now, he doesn’t think he could handle that long-term.

Jongin immediately moves to deny it though. “No, I _want_ to. It’s just I didn’t think it would be this hard,” Jongin explains before going silent.

Kyungsoo bites his lower lip as he contemplates what to say, not really knowing what exactly he _can_ say to make him feel better. He doesn’t want Jongin to regret anything, and from the conversations they’ve had he knows he isn’t regretting it, but the elder is still giving up something for them. Jongin is giving up an entire career he worked hard on for the past five years, so it’s understandable that he’s sad about it, regardless that it was his own choice.

“You’re allowed to be sad,” is what he settles with, not knowing what it’s like for Jongin, but knowing that if he was doing the same thing for five years and suddenly, he was on his last days, he would be sad too. “You worked really hard all this time, so it’s okay if you’re sad. You know I really love you, right?” he questions, frowning when he hears a sniffle.

“I love you too,” Jongin eventually gets out, making him really wish he was able to be with him during all this. He feels bad just being at home and not with Jongin right now.

“Your dad set up the television for me and your mom is making dumplings with Dooyoung,” he comments, hoping it’s a good enough distraction for the elder. “Dooyoung did a good job. I’ll have to send you pictures.”

“Mine always come out weird looking,” Jongin laughs out, making him let out a relieved sigh at the elder’s laughter. “You have to save me some too. She makes _really_ good dumplings.”

“I will,” he promises, pouting a little when Jongin says he has to go. He tells the elder good luck and that he loves him before he hangs up, looking up at the clouds for a bit.

He sighs as he gets up from the floor and goes back inside, looking into the kitchen where Dooyoung is standing near Jongin’s mom and listening attentively to her. He goes back to the living room where Jongin’s dad has switched the television to an actual channel that has an old movie showing that he recognizes instantly. It has him smiling, thinking that the elder has similar taste to his grandpa.

He sits down and fidgets a little with the hem of his shirt before unlocking his phone and moving to text Seungsoo before turning to Jongin’s dad.

“You’re going to Jongin’s concert, right?” he questions, biting his lip when the elder eagerly nods his head. “Do you think I could ride with you?” he questions next, smiling when Jongin’s dad immediately agrees.

\--

Jongin stifles a yawn as he hugs onto his pillow, not really knowing what Byun Baekhyun is going on about now but he sounds very passionate. He’s tired and wants to rest but he also knows that he won’t get to just hang out with friends as much once he’s hours away and they’re all busy with their own schedules. So, he takes another sip of his beer and nods his head when Baekhyun looks over at him like he’s just asked a question and is wanting an answer.

“You have no idea what you’re nodding about, do you?” Sehun questions him, so he shakes his head no, getting a tired look that has him smiling a little.

“Sorry, I’m sleepy,” he apologizes, rubbing his eyes and looking at the time. He feels really old when he sees it’s not even close to eleven yet. “God, I’m old,” he mutters, shaking his head and shoving Sehun when he laughs.

“Is Dooyoung coming to your concert?” Sehun pesters and Jongin only allows it because everyone in the room already knows about why exactly he’s retiring. Although, he didn’t personally tell Baekhyun, and by the confused look he gets on his face neither did Sehun.

He doesn’t fully know the other idol, but he’s always been polite and Jongin doesn’t really see the harm in Sehun’s boyfriend knowing. The two have been dating for a while and even if they don’t last, Baekhyun doesn’t seem the type to go gossiping about him. Jongin decides he can always just sue him if need be.

“I have a kid, he’s five, his name is Dooyoung,” he explains to Baekhyun, not even the least bit embarrassed or ashamed of it, not really caring what he thinks either.

“Ohhh. I thought Sehun was just pulling my leg,” Baekhyun comments seriously, looking a little confused before he nods his head. “I love kids,” he adds on, giving him a friendly smile that eases his worries. Jongin finds himself smiling back before turning to Sehun.

“To answer your question, no. He doesn’t really do too well with loud noises and I don’t really want to risk it either. So, he’s not coming,” he explains with a small shrug, knowing he would _love_ for Dooyoung to be there, but he also knows how freaked out he gets being around way too many people.

He rather Dooyoung be comfortable and safe than anything. That’s all he really wants for Dooyoung is for him to be okay. He also thinks it would make him that much more emotional on stage and he needs to at least attempt to keep a clear head for majority of the concert. He knows he’s bound to have a moment where it all hits him but hopefully that will be at the end.

“Oh, that’s too bad,” Sehun replies with a little frown before he turns to Baekhyun who is tugging on his arm about something.

“It’s fine,” he replies easily with a shrug before looking over at the television where there’s currently a special going on with some of his past performances.

It feels weird to see himself on screen and get called all these nice things and have people view you so positively. It’s the whole point of his career but at the same times he’s never really let himself realize how successful he’s really been. Out of all the idols in the industry, some just never reach any sort of level where they’re seen as popular. It’s inevitable.

Regardless of promotions and how hard you work, some of it is really just pure luck. Jongin’s been really, _really_ lucky. He knows that there are people who have been in the industry way longer than him and haven’t even reached a fraction of success that he has. He knows that some people will see him throwing that all away retiring so early, but in a way, he rather leave now than go on a downwards spiral until he was just another old idol.

He looks around the room and finds himself feeling sort of melancholy seeing everyone though, knowing that once this is all over, they’ll just go back to their careers. They have to. He wants nothing for the best for all of them and he’s glad that he has such supportive friends though. He’s definitely going to miss running into them during a show recording or a music festival. They’ll still talk and see each other when they can, of course, but it’ll be different.

Jongin doesn’t even know how to describe how he feels. One minute he’s sad its all ending but the next he can’t help but feel completely relieved, excited even. It’s a bit overwhelming and he takes a deep breath before turning his focus back on his friends. He smiles and laughs and just takes everything in as much as he can, wanting to savor ever last moment before the final curtain call.

\--

Kyungsoo awkwardly walks around the hotel room, shaking his head as he notices all the clothes just lying on the floor, wondering why Jongin insists on being messy. He moves to clean everything up and sorts through the clothes to help pass the time. He isn’t exactly sure what time Jongin is coming back to the hotel after his schedule today which involves a final rehearsal for his concert tomorrow, but he thinks it won’t be for another hour or two.

Dooyoung is asleep on the bed, having had a long day with him and Seungsoo at the park and then picking out a bouquet of flowers for their surprise visit. It really came in handy having Seungsoo in charge of the hotel and Jongin choosing to stay here specifically. It makes sense though, since Seungsoo is one of the few people that can guarantee no one bothers Jongin in the first place.

Kyungsoo couldn’t pass up the opportunity to surprise Jongin, especially since he knows Dooyoung won’t be able to be at the concert. He knows Jongin has been a little emotional lately and he couldn’t just sit at home and wait for him to come home. Even if its just them being there for him at the end of the day, he just wants _to be there_ for him during all of this.

He finishes cleaning up and sets the flowers down in the vase he managed to find in a random shop in town. It was sort of expensive, but he couldn’t very well just let them sit on a table. He checks on Dooyoung and adjusts the air con to cool the room down some before going towards the door when he realizes someone is trying to open it but _can’t_, because he put the top lock on.

He undoes it as quickly and quietly as he can, not wanting to wake up Dooyoung, before opening the door, getting a completely shocked look from Jongin who actually twitches and drops his bag.

“Surprise?” he comments before reaching for the bag, barely managing to stand up fully before Jongin is walking into the room and then pulling him in for a kiss.

Kyungsoo sighs contently into it, standing on his tip toes to chase after the elder because he’s missed him _too_ much. He gets a little too caught up into it, slowly realizing Jongin thinks this is heading a _completely_ different direction that he would gladly allow, but Dooyoung is in the bed and apparently _awake_.

“Papa!” Dooyoung shouts, making Jongin flinch yet again before Dooyoung rushes over and hugs onto his legs. “You’re back!”

Jongin pulls away and immediately looks down at Dooyoung, reaching down and pulling him into a hug before picking him up. Kyungsoo smiles as the two hug onto each other, leaning over and giving Jongin a quick kiss on the cheek.

“You came to visit me?” Jongin questions Dooyoung who eagerly nods his head.

“Me and daddy missed you lots,” Dooyoung informs him before resting his head against the elder’s chest.

“I missed you lots too,” Jongin sighs out, resting his head against Dooyoung’s and closing his eyes. “Have you two been here long?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head and looks over at the alarm clock near the bed. “Only about an hour. I cleaned up for you,” he comments, watching as Jongin blushes a bit as he looks around the room.

“I picked out your flowers!” Dooyoung comments, sitting up and pointing towards the table where the vase is. “They’re yellow!”

Kyungsoo nods his head and looks over at the marigolds, wanting to argue that they’re more orange than yellow in his opinion but Dooyoung would probably get upset. Dooyoung insisted on them out of all the flowers in the shop, so Kyungsoo really had no choice in the matter.

“You got me flowers?” Jongin questions with a smile, moving over and sitting down on the couch and setting Dooyoung down next to him so he can reach over and smell the flowers.

“We’re really proud of you, so we wanted to get you something,” Kyungsoo explains a little sheepishly, sitting next to the elder and leaning against him before holding onto his arm. “Right Dooyoung?” he questions, looking over at the five-year-old who eagerly nods his head.

“Papa, no crying,” Dooyoung scolds quietly, making him look over and realize Jongin _is_ crying.

Dooyoung immediately moves into his lap and hugs onto Jongin who lets out a shaky breath before hugging him back. Kyungsoo reaches over and pats his cheek for him before hugging onto the two of them and closing his eyes.

“Are you okay papa?” Dooyoung questions seriously, making him look up at Jongin who nods his head.

“I’m just really happy you’re here,” Jongin tells Dooyoung who in turn smiles and gives Jongin another hug. “Have you two eaten yet?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head and laughs a little when Dooyoung does the same and exclaims that they should order pizza. Jongin easily agrees and they eat in bed even though Dooyoung spills pizza sauce on the comforter and then Jongin does the same. Kyungsoo refrains from scolding them both, just happy that they’re all together the night before Jongin’s final performance. If the elder is worried about tomorrow, he doesn’t act it, falling asleep holding onto Dooyoung.

\--

_This is it,_ Jongin thinks as he takes one final glance around the auditorium hall. This is the last time he’s going to be on stage, the last time he’s going to see all those yellow light sticks and the last time he’s going to have this many people cheering for him. Jongin remembers the first time he stood on stage and feeling scared. He never would have thought he would get to experience as much as he has. Everything that has led up to this just comes back to him in waves and he’s overwhelmed all over again.

He’s already cried and calmed down, but he feels his vision blur as he takes a deep breath before giving one final bow. He exhales shakily before turning around and heading towards where the stage crew is waiting. He’s overwhelmed at all the clapping and final congratulations on a job well down that he moves completely on autopilot.

He lets them take off his microphone and earpiece in silence, just trying to keep himself from breaking down long enough to at least get into the lobby area where he knows his family is. He’s conscious enough that he knows to say thank you and bow to the stage staff as he gets ushered around, the reality hitting him in full force that this is the last time he’s going to be doing this.

He quickly moves along and towards the private area, feeling so _relieved_ when he spots his parents along with his sister and brother in law. He doesn’t think he can ever thank them enough for being there for him all these years and especially now, just wanting to go hug his mom and dad and cry. He starts heading over towards them before he finds himself come to a complete halt when he spots _Kyungsoo_ with them.

He blinks back his surprise, feeling his eyes sting a little realizing that Kyungsoo came to the concert. The younger male is wearing one of his merchandize shirts and is messing with the light stick in his hands, looking a little confused as the light switches settings before he looks up and spots him. Kyungsoo smiles before waving, looking a little unsure of himself.

Jongin doesn’t even blink as he moves forward until he’s in front of the younger male, immediately pulling him into a hug and then he’s crying _hard_. So hard he really can’t stop and he’s probably freaking Kyungsoo out, but he can’t get himself to _quit_. He doesn’t know how long it takes him but by the time he pulls away Kyungsoo is teary eyed and looking all sorts of worried.

“You came?” he questions stupidly, not having expected Kyungsoo to come. He had already put the thought out of his head. He feels so happy though, seeing that despite everything, Kyungsoo came for him.

“Of course,” Kyungsoo replies quietly, wiping his cheeks for him and Jongin doesn’t _think_ as he leans down as kisses him.

He doesn’t care who is watching or what people think about it, he spent enough time worrying too much about what people would think and hiding how much Kyungsoo meant to him, he’s not doing it anymore. He kisses his boyfriend right there in the middle of lobby, without a single care in the world because the only thing that matters is that as soon as he leaves the stadium, he doesn’t have to be Kai anymore. He gets to go home to his son, and he gets to live his life however he wants with his little family, as Jongin.

“Let’s go home,” he sighs out tiredly, smiling as Kyungsoo nods his head.

\--

Jongin loudly sings along with everyone else in the room, looking at Dooyoung who is excitedly looking down at his birthday cake and clapping his hands along to the song. It’s the first birthday that Jongin has actually got to celebrate with them and he may have overdone it with the gifts, but he has _five_ birthdays to make up for. Jongin smiles as he watches Dooyoung blow out the candles on his birthday cake, reaching over and dipping his finger in the icing before smearing it on the now six-year-old’s face.

“_Papa_,” Dooyoung whines, rubbing his cheek and then wiping his hand on _his_ shirt before sticking out his tongue.

Jongin does the same and sticks out his own tongue before ruffling Dooyoung’s hair when Kyungsoo scolds both of them quietly. He dips his finger in the icing again and this time tastes it, suppressing a laugh when Kyungsoo pinches him on the side as he moves to actually start cutting out slices with the help of his mom.

“Can I open my presents now?” Dooyoung questions, looking over at them expectantly.

Jongin nods his head before Kyungsoo can comment, giving Dooyoung a look as he goes and rushes to the living room where they’re at.

“_Jongin_,” Kyungsoo sighs out, handing the knife over to his mom who takes over cutting the cake for him. “I wanted him to wait.”

“There’s a lot of gifts, he should start on them now before it gets too late,” he reasons, looking over at his dad who is bouncing Rahee around because the girl is excited over the cake.

He looks back down at Kyungsoo when he sighs, leaning against him and nodding his head. Jongin bites his lip when Dooyoung takes a little too long, hoping the six-year-old didn’t actually start opening his gifts on his own, before he spots him walking back into the kitchen. Jongin lets out a little relieved sigh before growing a little bit nervous as Dooyoung does as he was told and comes back over to them.

The two of them planned this out for _weeks_ and Jongin has been a wreck all day, which is probably obvious to everyone but Kyungsoo who has been more focused on the birthday boy.

“Daddy, this one is for you,” Dooyoung informs Kyungsoo who looks down in confusion.

Jongin watches him carefully, biting his lip and fidgeting a little when Kyungsoo doesn’t immediately grab the box Dooyoung is trying to hand him.

“What?” Kyungsoo questions, completely oblivious to everyone looking at them expectantly. “Why do I have a gift?” Kyungsoo laughs out, finally taking it and then looking up at him, because it’s _that_ obvious it’s from him.

“Dooyoung helped me pick it out,” he says as calmly as he can, his nerves starting to get the better of him, which is crazy. He doesn’t think he’s ever been _this_ nervous and he’s performed in front of thousands of people, which is saying something.

“When did you two go shopping?” Kyungsoo questions as he finally starts to undo the ribbon around the box.

Jongin holds his breath without realizing it when Kyungsoo finally gets the box open, watching his face for a reaction as he spots the ring. Kyungsoo is obviously surprised, which is what he was hoping for. It’s been really hard to keep it a secret when your wingman is _six_ and really likes to talk. Especially when said six-year-old helped him pick out the ring and plan this entire proposal.

When Kyungsoo finally looks up at him, he’s not quite crying but he looks really close to, his bottom lip wobbling and Jongin almost cracks and just hugs him. He doesn’t though, since he wrote out an entire speech and he really has to force himself to remember it enough to finally say something.

“You know I love you,” he comments, watching as Kyungsoo nods his head a little bit and sniffles. “I’ve been in love with you since we were just teenagers and I’ll still love you when we’re both old and I have real grey hair. You and Dooyoung have made me the _happiest_ I’ve ever been, I mean it when I say that without you I would have been miserable. I want to spend the rest of my life with you two, no matter what. So, Kyungsoo, will you marry me?” he questions seriously, watching as Kyungsoo does start crying, which in turn makes him teary eyed.

“You have to say yes,” Dooyoung interrupts quietly, tugging on Kyungsoo’s shirt and making the younger male laugh as he finally nods his head.

“Yes, I’ll marry you,” Kyungsoo laughs out, smiling as he nods his head.

Jongin lets out a relieved sigh before pulling Kyungsoo into a hug and leaning down to kiss him, ignoring the way their family is clapping happily. He pulls away when Dooyoung inserts himself in between them and hugs onto Kyungsoo who leans down and gives him a kiss on the top of his head before looking back down at the box.

Jongin takes it from him and takes the ring out carefully before slipping it onto Kyungsoo’s ring finger, relieved that it really does fit. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his own matching ring, slipping it on his own finger and showing it off to Kyungsoo who smiles before he looks like he may start crying again.

Jongin pulls him into his arms and holds onto him tightly while his parents and his sister come and congratulate them. He only let’s go when he knows Kyungsoo isn’t going to cry again, giving his _fiancé_ a kiss on the cheek before they move to sit in the living room so Dooyoung can actually open his presents.

It’s only the first birthday he’s gotten to celebrate with Kyungsoo and Dooyoung, but it definitely won’t be the last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we are officially Done with the fic!!!! thank you to everyone who has followed along, commented, given kudos, etc!! i may not get to reply to every comment but i do read and appreciate every single one!!
> 
> i always feel a little unsure about the endings for my fics, since i think they're the hardest part, but i think i'm happy with this one? its been a trip writing this and i'm glad that a lot of you enjoyed reading through the journey these two had. 
> 
> i originally wanted to add an epilogue onto this fic but i think i may just do a separate fic with drabbles kind of like i have with eventually but i'm not completely sure yet. either way i do want to write about this little family more so regardless of what approach i go with, we can expect something about their future life together. 
> 
> anyways thank you again!!! :)


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